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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?      Home login  
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 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Why do you keep allowing him to violate your boundaries? He asked you to use your body as a means to lose his virginity and you continue to interact with him? Repeatedly? Although it's clear that he doesn't want "friendship" from you?

It doesn't sound as if HE's the one who's not getting it.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/16/2013 1:35:04 PM
When he oversteps another boundary, as he will, say, I've told you repeatedly that I have no romantic interest in you, yet you continue to make remarks like this, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Please don't contact me again.

If this creates drama with him or your group of friends, that's their problem, and maybe you need better friends, then.

You cannot control other people's feelings. You're only responsible for being true to yourself.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 6
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/16/2013 2:13:31 PM
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?

Because many guys especially if they are immature, young and inexperienced don't understand that women don't consider friendships and romantic relationships one thing. To us they are two seperate relationships. While most men would sleep with their "friends" if the situation presented itself most women would NOT sleep with a man they consider just a "friend". Women have clear seperation lines... Just friends ... or .... I'll be intimate with you. Men blur those lines.


Is there any way I can talk to this guy to get him to only ever see me as a friend, or should I cut the friendship altogether?


He's either going to get it or he's not. He's taken the not road. If it were me and the friendship or maintaining some niceness were necessary then I would just keep reminding him that you see him only as a friend now and forever. Your in control right? You know you aren't going there so just keep putting him in his place. Either he'll get sick of asking you and move on or he'll hire a hooker and be done with it. Either way it's win win if you can just deal with the his annoying self for a while. That's me though. I have a pretty tough skin when dealing with people.

Or you can cut the friendship with him if it's annoying the f out of you and you can't deal with it any longer.
 firefly416
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 9
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/16/2013 3:25:07 PM
Maybe you can go back to being friends with him if he ever gets laid. For now I'd avoid him, not take his Skype calls, not be alone with him.
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 12
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/18/2013 5:00:55 AM
Probably because to most guys being friends doesn't exclude having sex with her as well since it seems to guys sex is simply an act to bust a nut in or on a gal sort of like eating.

As for this guy it seems he's one of the seemingly mainly that have been conditioned by patriarchal society that a gal's no is negotiable and with enough persuasion it can turn into a yes since gals are always changing their minds and gals don't know what they want.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 13
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/18/2013 7:30:46 AM
I want it to get back to where it was

It probably won't ever go back to the way it was. Think about how if you liked a friend more than just a friend and they turned you down would the relationship ever be the same? Probably not. That's ok though. Relationships change and with that change you must change to. Men and women think differently in regards to sex and friendship like I am many other posters have explained. That won't change or maybe it will with him as he matures but who knows! Time isn't on your side right now. Right now it is what it is. There's nothing to be perplexed about! He finds you hawt and wants to get busy with you. Surely not the first guy to suggest that with you nor the last! Use this experience as a way to get comfortable dealing with these situations so they don't stress you out so much.


By the way, it's not as if I don't have a backbone.

Hopefully you didn't think my comment was directed at whether you have a backbone or not right? Clearly I know you do. You put him in his place. Someone without a backbone would have avoided telling him "look this is how it is".


I'm doing anything to lead him on.


Look he's been told. Your boundaries have been set up. I'm not sure how you would be leading someone on after you've told them "look your just a friend". It's up to him to deal with it or not. If he gets led on then he's the only one leading himself on. Don't change who you are because of him. Make sense!

I do understand there are certain situations to which you can't just tell people to "fvck off", my best friends husband is a perfect example of that situation where I have to suck it up and play nice. It doesn't mean I don't lay my boundaries down or that I violate what's good for me. I just put him in his place and keep doing so. Therefore I pointed out that just accept the fact that he wants to sleep with you and deal with the situation as is. Your in the drivers seat so no need to worry about whether your leading him on or what he's doing. What's important is what your doing. Keep telling him he's not gonna get the jewels and live your life. Who cares what he is doing or does? Your living your life according to your plan. Simple. Let him deal with it! Otherwise if it stresses you out and you just can't deal with it then do as the others have suggest and tell him "bye"
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 15
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/18/2013 8:27:27 AM
I agree that a "No" with no explanation should sum it up quite nicely, and once you try to justify that "no", you open it up to negotiations, debate, convincing, and all that other stuff that some people just do not get, and will not accept.

If someone wants to enjoy me sexually, and I am not interested, being kind works only if they have the brains and understanding enough to know that it takes two to want sex, two to accept it, and two to follow through. When there is only one in that mix, they need to understand that "no" means just what it says, and leave it alone.

If someone is truly a good friend of yours, an explanation is fine and dandy, and because you two are really friends, that explanation will be the filler for the real word....."No", and nothing more needs to be said. My philosophy is to never go where not invited, and if invited, trust me, they will know if it is mutual or not!!

cd
 mrsforums
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 17
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/18/2013 9:53:24 AM

Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?


Quite possibly because those are not the words you used.

MrsF
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 18
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/18/2013 10:21:04 AM
Because some guys have convinced themselves that women are "complicated", "playing hard to get" and all that nonsense. Instead of listening to the words that are being said, they're hearing what they "hope" you're saying.

Some really have no clue that they're not as attractive as they believe they are and can't fathom that a woman wouldn't be as fascinated with them as they are with themselves.

I can't tell you how many times men have asked me a yes or no question:

Can I buy you a drink?
Can I have your number?
Want to go out sometime?
Want to head back to my place?
Let me give you a ride home?

And when I say no, they look at me with shock and say "What do you mean... no?". Some will even get angry, because they consider any interaction that isn't my foot connecting with their nads as "leading them on".

"But... but... you said hi to me when I said hi to you!"

Some people are just too stupid for words.
 psytle
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 19
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/18/2013 12:34:04 PM
:: shrugs ::

If I was a woman, and there was something that creeped me out about a guy, I wouldn't hang out with him by myself unless I absolutely had to.

I don't care if I once was friends with him or not.
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 20
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/20/2013 10:36:13 PM
I do not know much about the OP's particular situation to comment, but many women will friend-zone a guy, but send him mixed messages by treating him like a boyfriend. Usually this involves getting the friend to perform favors that typically a boyfriend will do.

For example, a friend will not spend the entire weekend moving your furniture up and down several flights of stairs, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not always buy you dinner, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not do some major repairs for you free of charge, but a boyfriend will.

It is kind of like a guy telling a woman he just wants to be friends, but then asking her to have sex with him.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 21
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/20/2013 11:00:15 PM
Is there any way I can talk to this guy to get him to only ever see me as a friend, or should I cut the friendship altogether?


Cut the friendship.
Why, because he doesn't sees YOU as a friend.
I repeat, this man is not your friend. Friend understand boundaries.
He sees you as a conquest. you are his special project that he wants to finish.

But, let's look at YOUR motivation. Why do you need this guy in your life. I'm quite sure you got other friends to fill your friendship void. Could be it's just nice to be wanted?
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 26
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/21/2013 9:06:20 AM

I think it's back to normal and he is treating me like a friend again, but then I get hints of something else.


Listen to your instincts. This guy will likely never be able to be your friend. He'll lead you on by telling you he's ok with just being friends, but it's just a ploy to manipulate you. His hope is that you'll lower your guard, accept his kindness, reciprocate it, and then eventually change your mind about the sex. He doesn't want your friendship for the sake of friendship.

Sadly, I've encountered this myself a few times. I've learned the hard way that you can never be friends with a guy who finds you physically attractive. He's shown his hand and hopes you'll forget it over time.

Cut the friendship altogether. Be cordial, but never set aside time for him. If he wants to meet up for coffee when he's in town, decline. If he wants to skype, decline. If he asks why, reference the conversation you had with him earlier. He can in no way feel that he is "special". He'll confuse your kindness for something else.

I wouldn't worry about your group of friends. It's your life. If any of them bring up your dating tendencies, tell them that your romantic life is not a topic for discussion. Period.

 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 27
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/21/2013 9:15:44 AM

For example, a friend will not spend the entire weekend moving your furniture up and down several flights of stairs, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not always buy you dinner, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not do some major repairs for you free of charge, but a boyfriend will.


Guys don't help each other with major repairs, food or moving into a new place? My brother and his friends did that for me and they didn't expect anything of me except beer and pizza. I'm at an income level where I can hire movers, but I'd hate to be in a position to have to make sure my acceptance of help wasn't an invitation for more. Couldn't the guy just say NO if a non-girlfriend asks for help? And if he says yes, understand that he didn't magically switch from the friend ladder to the boyfriend ladder? What the heck? :\
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 28
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/24/2013 11:03:00 AM

Guys don't help each other with major repairs, food or moving into a new place? My brother and his friends did that for me and they didn't expect anything of me except beer and pizza. I'm at an income level where I can hire movers, but I'd hate to be in a position to have to make sure my acceptance of help wasn't an invitation for more. Couldn't the guy just say NO if a non-girlfriend asks for help? And if he says yes, understand that he didn't magically switch from the friend ladder to the boyfriend ladder? What the heck? :\


Brothers help their sisters move and do other favors a boyfriend may due for a boyfriend. While it is possible one of your brothers friends could have had a crush on you, they were doing a favor for your brother, not for you. You also gave them beer and pizza. In many cases, men do favors for friends because they know they will get similar favors in return in the future. Also in many cases, the work men do together has a recreational component. For example, some men like working on cars together or building things together.

The issue is that there are women who will ask a guy to do all that stuff without the beer and pizza. They bat their eyelashes, flirt, or use their feminine charms to get favors, free drinks, and other things from men then wonder why the men are not happy with just being friends. In many of these cases, the women do few if any favors for the men.

You are right in that these guys share a great deal of the blame. In most cases they are allowing themselves to be used as a doormat. Most of these guys are young and dumb and have to learn their lessons the hard way.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 30
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 2:51:25 AM

Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?

Because so many women send mixed signals, then also you have a tendency to change your minds. Also because sometimes 'no' means maybe, sometimes you play hard to get, lets face it, lots of women like to play games. We also read even in women's magazines where some women find a man who's persistant to be attractive. So there's no real concrete answer. Ladies, if you're not interested, simply continue to say no. That's all you can do. Did I mention that there are also women who won't take the 'just friends' statement for a final answer either? Yup.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 31
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 8:26:08 AM

For example, a friend will not spend the entire weekend moving your furniture up and down several flights of stairs, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not always buy you dinner, but a boyfriend will. A friend will not do some major repairs for you free of charge, but a boyfriend will.


That's pretty much my definition of a friend. My friends help me when I need it...I don't get this analogy at all
That's what friends are!

I also don't get the need to meet people with the intention of a relationship and then relegating them to friend
status. Mostly you're making them your acquaintances. People you know but don't want to be bothered with.
If you do like to have those sorts of people around, and they refuse to conform to your definition of what your
relationship should be, then simply get rid of them. Why do you need people that don't understand boundaries
in your life?

This guy is not your "friend"...he doesn't want to be your "friend".
Stop paying attention to him.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 34
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 2:23:25 PM
Am I the only 1 who thinks OP is the 1 being shady!? so guy friend asked her to take his virginity, she refused, and the friendship went on. So he compliments her and ask her to hangout with him. Isnt that what friends do anyway. But she can't let his 1 mistake go and now she thinks that friendship with her is the very last thing on his mind. It's actually insulting to this guy that she thinks he is so dense and he just wants to get it in with her.
Maybe he has moved on. Maybe he compliments OP cause he just a guy who likes giving compliments. Maybe OP is immature and full of herself. Maybe all the people on here bashing this guy don't know the value of a real friendship anyway Maybe I'm wrong about all of this.
I say end the friendship because OP doesn't deserve this guy's friendship. No guy needs a friend who thinks they are creepy
 PS_4
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 35
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 2:48:43 PM
I feel you GJBrown. Check out some of the other posts the OP has made. Wow just wow. Keep posting man, I like your style!
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 37
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 5:08:38 PM
Good grief. Cut to the chase. The Op is ether a fake or has serious issues. Stop playing her game.

Sometimes it's embarrassing to be a woman and hear this blabbery drama queen nonsense. The real question is why do you need attention or, do you have a brain? What issue are you going to come up with next week?
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 38
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:03:55 PM
Not compatible as lovers or friends. Both deserve better and leave it a that.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 39
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 6:05:30 PM

I got the whole "you're not being a nice girl" lecture from a friend when I rejected another man's overtures.


What the....?
That's doing my head in. So you're not allowed to be selective, and you're not a nice girl because you're not jumping every time a guy wants to bang you?
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 40
Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/25/2013 10:20:57 PM

That's pretty much my definition of a friend. My friends help me when I need it...I don't get this analogy at all
That's what friends are!


There is nothing odd or abnormal with people doing favors for each other. Usually there is some sort of reciprocity involved. It is one thing for a man (who is a true friend and not a boyfriend) to move some furniture because he knows that if he needs help, you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and do a favor for him. If he is a true friend, you are also going to offer him some food or beer in appreciation of his efforts.

A true boyfriend may do favors for you with no expectation that you are going to roll up your sleeves and do a favor for him. He may even go out and buy pizza and/or beer for those that help in the effort.

It is another thing for a man to move a bunch of furniture for a woman, and return all the woman does is bat her eyelashes. To clarify things, I am talking about those women that consider a man "just a friend," but expect him to do all sorts of favors in return for nothing but empty flirtation. This kind of thing sends mixed messages to a guy. Yes guys that find themselves in this situation are at fault too for being naive doormats, but women that do this to guys are either naive or cruel.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 42
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/26/2013 7:46:05 AM
He can't get the message because you beat around the bush on what you really feel so you don't come off looking stuck up, or a bad person, so you give him this gratuitous friends line when you probably don't really want that. Be up front.

So how much more up front could OP be? Seriously? If your skull is so thick that when someone tells you they only see you as a friend and you still don't get it there's not more that can or should be done! See bolded from OP's original post down below.


I was ever so creeped out and told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship and that I saw him as a friend.


What I don't get is how some of the men on this thread are suddenly making it OP's fault because she turned him down? No always means NO! It's not code for yes! Figure it out.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 43
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Why don't some guys get it when you say 'I only see you as a friend'?
Posted: 6/26/2013 9:13:38 AM

So how much more up front could OP be? Seriously? If your skull is so thick that when someone tells you they only see you as a friend and you still don't get it there's not more that can or should be done! See bolded from OP's original post down below.


It isn't so simple if we are talking about such a young age group. In that age group I know men and women that are dating refer to it to as "hanging out". Most guys that ask females out in that age group tend to ask out women if they want to hang out. I personally only want to hang out with a friend but if I am attracted to a woman I ask them out on a DATE. I try to relay that to these younger guys to make their intentions clear as possible or else they end up wasting their time.

Women in that age group are not the only ones guilty of creating this ambiguity of "friends first" as guys asking women out that, they are attracted to, for a "hang out" are implying they are attracted to such a woman for sexual intimacy but not really interested in a real, lasting relationship. Most people consider dating to be about forging a relationship (friendship and sexuality in unison). Pure friendship lacks sexuality while FB/FWB may have some elements of friendship the main arrangement is about sexuality.



So how much more up front could OP be? Seriously? If your skull is so thick that when someone tells you they only see you as a friend and you still don't get it there's not more that can or should be done! See bolded from OP's original post down below.


She needs to end this friendship.

This guy is young, immature, and doesn't understand. Since this guy lacks sexual experience it only reinforces my view that she should end this friendship with this guy. Or else this guy will build resentment and sexual frustration will mount.

It is not healthy for her to cling onto this guy for "friendship". And it is also not healthy for this guy to hope the can have his first sexual experience with this woman that does not find him attractive. This guy deserves his first sexual experience to be with a woman that wants him and accepts him.

It doesn't say anything bad about the OP or her "guy friend" it just means they don't have the maturity yet to make these tough choices.
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