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 southbc
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 2
Intelligence and datingPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Dating sites aren't awash with Mensans. Just read the Forums here. It's nitwit country.

But do you really need your lover to challenge you intellectually? If you're really bright, you're probably fully engaged with some interest or other. What you likely need is someone to hold your hand and give you a kiss.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 5:56:47 PM

Posted by bibliophile1:
"...I'm by no means an intellectual snob so I hope my post does not come across that way..."

It sure is coming across that way.


Posted by bibliophile1:
"...It can be hard to find someone on the same level as me, and I don't even care much for their alma mater or what sort of career they're pursuing..."

Geez, you might wish to explore IvyLeagueAthletesNowSuccessfulBrainSurgeons.com for your dating needs.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 4
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 5:58:45 PM
Intelligence - another form of elitism.

We all have varying degrees of intelligence complete with our own specialties. Perhaps you can spout philosophy far above what I could comprehend, but could you discuss transistor circuit theory? There was a great quote from, of all movies, Smokey and the Bandit - "When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the country you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are." I think there are enough folks out there with superiority complexes.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 6
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 6:30:08 PM
One of the things that I have learned (but have had trouble applying) from my divorce is that only you are responsible for your own happiness. I would think that this may also apply to being challenged intellectually; why make it the responsibility of a mate to challenge you? If you want challenges, find them on your own. I think that your best bet is to just find as much commonality as you can (enough not to be bored, obviously) and then relish in the differences.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 8
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 6:40:10 PM
The article is really directed to a group of people with a specific type of intelligence, that which can be more easily measured. The "High IQ, Low EIQ" group is simply people with very high intelligence in traditional academic areas, but who lack Emotional Intelligence. We also do not really have a good measure of "creativity," outside of monetary success for one's creative ventures--but there are very creative people out there who pursue creativity in areas that do not really offer financial rewards, or at least not ones that make news.

So, having said that, OP, I would encourage you to explore "other types" more openly. Do not assume that you and your partner must have a ton in common. A lot of very strong relationships come from people who very different interests but really enjoy hearing about each other's activities, or just watching the other when that other is passionately engaged in a pursuit. If you have a strong mutual attraction sexually, common financial goals and attitudes, a common moral code, and a deep respect for each other, the lack of common hobbies won't matter--you'll be eager to come together at the end of a day, share the preparation and enjoyment of a meal, discuss and hear about what each other has done, and find a common pleasure to engage in (outside of sex, of course), on a regular (but not necessarily daily) basis.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 9
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 6:46:01 PM
OP, you probably shouldn't have even started this thread..lol. I think you put your foot in your mouth but seriously, here is what I think. We all have our things we find "attractive", you have yours. Keep what you want in a man, nothing wrong with that at all. To me, we all could make a thread as far as why it is so hard to find this or that. No, doesn't matter what dating site or real life meeting. Your answer lies within you continue to look to what you want, just like the rest of us. There is no way you will get any wise answer to your question. Everyone is attracted for whatever reasons those are. You just sound like there is an answer to your question. There isn't. Good luck andkeep looking. There are no guarantees with any education or whatever. Education has nothing to do with nothing. One good example of that is your friend who was Oxford but hated women...lol. Whoops, don't "assume" I guess is the only answer you will get from me. Keep fishing, we all have the same problems if we are still out here in the dating world.
 NotFinanciallyViable
Joined: 6/17/2013
Msg: 10
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 8:11:28 PM
That's what I meant though! I think I put it across badly. I don't want to date some genius, just someone intelligent.


No need for you to apologize for wanting someone you can have an intellectual connection with. The only caveat I offer is to avoid the mistake of equating institutional learning or degree accumulation with intellect. I have a basic 4 year business degree, and met someone here who has several advanced degrees. She has found me to be more than able to relate to her interests and to engage her in thoughtful dialogue. Why? Because I know shyt. Things I could never have learned at Oxford in 20 years. Book learnin and street learnin both have their place in a relationship.

If I talk reel kountry to you or with an East Texas twang - that don't mean I can't kick yer ass on the subject of Aristotles Principle of Individuation, now do it? ;-)

I've learned as much from Cross Tie Walkers as I have from State Dept Diplomats, just sayin'.....
 PA_DancingBear
Joined: 5/23/2013
Msg: 11
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 9:05:41 PM
Bibliophile,

It's good that you say you wont judge intelligence by how many degrees someone might have earned. Because if you really don't then your best shot was when you were still attending St Albans where you swimming in a sea of your intellectual peers. I had wanted to mention this to you before in your other thread that I had just recently ran into an article of a lady making a presentation to graduating Princeton women. You would probably find it an interesting read.

I hope you mean what you say because if you really don't you are discarding over 95% of the dating pool.

You can backchannel me if you like. Perhaps I can help more.

I want to convey one thing I have learned and I am superbly educated. I know enough to know that I know nothing.
 Space_Weaver
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 12
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 9:44:01 PM
"The only caveat I offer is to avoid the mistake of equating institutional learning or degree accumulation with intellect."

+1 NFV. A lot of intelligence in people goes unnoticed because of the whole academia and job field stereotypes.

OP. I know with what I have read from your posts that you are taking the steps in trying to figure out this mystery called dating, yet another one that most of us need to work on is HUMILITY. On my profile I note (which I strongly believe in) is that everyone has taken a different path in life, and to say one is better than the other would in most cases be fallible. You never know who you may meet out there.

OP and readers. I would also suggest that you may want to find out a passion(s) of the person(s) you are dating. People can get so caught up in themselves check listing and comparing, that they forget to ask, or notice this in a person. They may not be able to tell you about the Pythagorean Theorem, the culture of Nordic people, photosynthesis, etc..... yet they in most cases will be very versed in something(s) they are strongly passionate about. You may learn something new, and discover a new passion.

While I do believe in part that higher education enhances who we are, yet I also notice the positives and pitfalls of intelligence/ education and socio-economics, and support Gardner's theories of intelligence.

People, expand and see beyond the superficial.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 13
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/20/2013 10:30:28 PM
In dating my focus has always been on my experience of the entire person. I find intelligence the most attractive feature.

 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 16
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 4:35:46 AM

I've been on POF for too long, I guess, cause now I'm pleasantly surprised if a guy contacting me can spell his own name.


Amen to that, sister!

While I deeply appreciate good, intelligent, and meaningful conversation, I find it very annoying when I run into people who can't even speak clearly......they talk like they have mush in their mouths, or worse yet, act like they are in the ghetto, and use expressions like "yo dawg" or "whatup".

I just can't deal with that.
 SimpleCltMan
Joined: 11/11/2011
Msg: 17
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 5:56:38 AM
OP,
There is two things I look for in a person when it comes that level of intelligence. I look for knowledge and wisdom. My parents didn't get to go to college, they went to trade schools and worked most of their lives that way. However, they are both wise people. You could have all the brains in the world and still be a misfit. I.E. Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory. I have various degrees and certificates, but wisdom is my ultimate goal. I don't look down on anyone as they might not be as educated as me, but much wiser than I can ever imagine. My great-grandmother was 93 when she passed 20 years ago. She has a sharp mind and was very wise. Her wisest thing was advice to us was marry someone that marry someone that will walk with you, not in front of you or behind you, but by your side.

That kind of wisdom is rare and hard to find and sometime does not come in a pretty package. So keep your options open OP as you may find that spark in someone and they may not be exactly want you want, but everything you need in your life.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 18
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 7:02:57 AM
I'm college educated, and have taken several writing and language courses. I don't talk with a complex vocabulary because the idea of using a 10-cent word instead of a $5 word still holds true for most of the population. Even brilliant people who have doctorates in Physics or Chemistry have trouble with basic spelling. Until you engage in a real conversation with a person, you just won't know how truly smart they are, so do NOT judge by a first message or a profile pic.

That being said, this abbreviated 'Text-speak" profile makes me sick to my stomach. Bt f I need 2 adpt 2 the nw way 2 txt msg, thn so b it!
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 7:10:20 AM
When I was in college, half of the students in my classes barely got through each class with a 2.0 GPA. So I ask, if you were ill, would you want to see a doctor that graduated with a 2.0 or would you want to see a doctor who graduated with a 4.0?

I’ve witnessed companies close due to upper management thinking they knew everything, because they had a degree, and I’ve witnessed people looking up to them because of their so called education (aka “Book smarts”). I’ve witnessed upper management drag a whole company down, because the people who hired these people saw only the degree, and knew nothing about the person they hired. People can bullshit their way through anything, if they have the gift of selling themselves. Especially through modern day “job interview techniques” that corporations use for hiring purposes. Five times out of ten these people that they hire can be very dangerous futuristic employees. Employers don’t realize that people study these techniques and use them as scripts. Memorizing scripts of any kind doesn’t mean the person will be a well rounded individual and good for their company.

What I’ve learned in my life about people like this is they lack wisdom. People that have lived and are “street smart” combined with an education, and at least carried a 3.0 GPA or higher in college or training seem to be the brightest people. They have common sense, and common sense is one of greatest gift a person can have! Common sense also carries within its perimeters wisdom, integrity, honesty, and purpose. How a person uses these gifts depends on their mental body.

Ok that’s just the brain (the mental body). What about the other three bodies that makes up the human physic? There’s 2. emotional body, 3.spiritual body, and 4.etheric body. Everybody (IMO) should be balanced in these four bodies. However most people have never heard of these, and have no idea what they mean. If one or more of these are out of balance… well within each category a person sees the outcome in everyday life, through the media for example. Another example, terrorist are not balanced people. They solely work off their spiritual body and mental bodies, and their other bodies are off balanced. Let’s say, we meet someone who works off their spiritual body only, what do you get to witness? People that work off their mental bodies what do you see? Ego, pride, etc… Enron falling down! You get my point right? Shuffle them around and look at each through a microscope and you will see how others are either balanced or unbalanced. As you become more aware of these bodies you will start seeing it in your everyday life and in your surroundings.

If you can find a man that has all four of these balanced, and your four bodies are balanced then you might have a match of a life time!

Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to find such well rounded individuals in this day and age. When you do find these types of people, they are jewels, diamonds in the rough.

I’m not saying become a freak about it. I’m just saying consider the possibility of them. Maybe, you’ll get a little wisdom in the journey? Maybe, you might find a real solid person that you can trust and believe in?

Sorry so long..
Thanks for reading,
Jan
 Definition_Of_Insanity
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 21
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 7:43:57 AM

Dating sites aren't awash with Mensans. Just read the Forums here. It's nitwit country.


In fact at times it seems like a hodgepodge of tomfoolery. (I have been waiting all week to re-use this expression)

But I concur - we all have to recognize what attributes in a partner we find most attractive and which are deal breakers, while still trying to keep an open mind.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 7:51:43 AM
I am extremely intelligent and very well educated. I have talked to a good many others on this site, male and female, who also come across as intelligent. Yes, there are some who don't seem to be, but they have been in the minority. I've been on other sites and mostly there are the same people on those sites that I see here.
I don't worry about it. How many people are on this site? I'm only going to be in contact with a very small percentage of them and I will actually meet an even smaller percentage. I like intelligent men but they don't have to match my IQ point for point or even my education. There is room for all of us on this site....
 Lone-Loser
Joined: 10/11/2012
Msg: 23
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 8:00:20 AM
Pfft, silly woman, it be da intrawebz, dun ja no dat eberbodee is a gebinus?


Want proof, look at the people who ALL clearly think that either 1) They are 'smart' enough, or 2) smarts means so little (IE-the ability to have any form of deep thought is equal to those who can 'chatter about drama' and keep themselves interested :D

Truth is, if thats something you feel is a 'must have' then keep that. Don't fold on your want if it is that important to you. Strike up a few convo's, carry it to the phone, then onto real life, if they, during that progression, can keep you engaged (IE you want to talk more, WHATEVER they are talking about, REGARDLESS of why you want to keep talking with them) then let it go, but if the person can't keep your attention, or you feel you just have to 'explain' or dumb shit down so they can follow, move on. Its simply something YOU want in a relationship, and regardless of what the 'pro-dating site users' say, what YOU want is the most important goal your reaching for here.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 8:05:47 AM
Just like coffee, people come in extremes from time to time, and every shop makes theirs a little different.
The trick is to figure out which blend you like...:)

I have this theory that everybody has a 10,000 points to distribute as they develop. Some invest in one thing while others invest in another. Just depends on where the investment is.

I'm sure there is a blend out there that suits your pallette for for both smarts and masculinity..;)
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 8:30:26 AM

but who lack Emotional Intelligence. We also do not really have a good measure of "creativity," outside of monetary success for one's creative ventures--but there are very creative people out there who pursue creativity in areas that do not really offer financial rewards, or at least not ones that make news.

So, having said that, OP, I would encourage you to explore "other types" more openly. Do not assume that you and your partner must have a ton in common. A lot of very strong relationships come from people who very different interests but really enjoy hearing about each other's activities, or just watching the other when that other is passionately engaged in a pursuit. If you have a strong mutual attraction sexually, common financial goals and attitudes, a common moral code, and a deep respect for each other, the lack of common hobbies won't matter--you'll be eager to come together at the end of a day, share the preparation and enjoyment of a meal, discuss and hear about what each other has done, and find a common pleasure to engage in (outside of sex, of course), on a regular (but not necessarily daily) basis.


Great advise! I think some people are confusing your post thinking you want someone to academically challenge you vs emotional intelligence is what your really talking about as pointed out above! You can't get that from college! It's there or it isn't. I totally concur with the advise about stepping out of your comfort zone and finding people who are very different from yourself. There's so much to gain from doing that. One of the guys I'm dating now, we are like night and day but somehow we manage to find the sunset together by meeting in the middle. We learn from each other and in that way we challenge each other to expand beyond what we know (we stimulate each other mentally).
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 26
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 9:13:30 AM
I know what you're saying and I think it's ridiculous that anyone would consider you a snob for looking for a specific trait in a partner. Wanting an intelligent person is no worse than wanting a brunette, or someone with a certain body type, etc. The only people who would rag on you for this are people who don't possess those qualities, get offended because they presume that you mean anyone who doesn't have them are "less" and then try to shame you into being politically correct about it.

Being "equal" as a person does not mean you get an equal shot at everything at all times, or it's not fair. This is particularly true when it comes to dating. You are deciding on the person you'll share your time, body and possibly even a future or kids together. Nobody should shame you into trying to make it an equal opportunity venture. You can't become a doctor with just a high school diploma and you can't be my boyfriend if the only thing you have that I require is a penis.

I measure intelligence by willingness to, and being excited about, learning. There are very few things in the world that I'm not interested in learning to do, and I've been that way since I was a kid. I was bullied something awful for being a "smart kid" so I pored over the books in the library like they were water and I was parched. I've been bored to tears by past boyfriends who believe that what they've learned so far is all that's required and are content with that.

I can remember one particular boyfriend who laughed and called me Spock because he asked me how I knew something ( I can't remember what it was) and I replied "Basic inductive reasoning". I was so disappointed that he would consider something like that as Vulcan-like, or (as I later learned) that he thought the way I speak naturally was condescending because there were times he couldn't understand.

This same guy could erect a cabin with his own hand with no plans, install plumbing, figure out how electronics and appliances work and fix them in no time..... he was smart but about very different things that I was.

I want to be able to curl up with a man who shares some of my interests, who doesn't think the way I speak or the things I like are "elitist" or "snobby". I want to learn new things from him, and be able to talk to him about things without him feeling like I'm lecturing him.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 9:17:58 AM
I tried to get the NSA to give me all the information they have on you OP, along with all your internet usage and phone calls... but they denied me.

... oh, that's not the type of 'intelligence' you mean.

I don't actually think the 'venue' of where you meet them matters, I'd bet there's a pretty decent cross-section of humanity on POF, just like in the real world. I do think though that in many ways online dating might make it harder to find them - because it's kinda "bass-ackwards", in real life you meet someone and talk with them and can usually get a pretty good impression of their intelligence, interests, etc, fairly quickly. Online, the first thing you get is a picture and some text in a profile, which often might not reflect the person in their 'totality' very well.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 12:01:37 PM
I look at education. There's lots of intelligent guys but I'm more interested in their approach to learning. A college degree shows some depth. We are much more likely to be compatible.

This is a numbers situation. There is MORE likely compatibility with education the same as there is MORE likely compatibility with someone who is into fitness and isn't overweight. We don't throw all the profiles in a bowl and choose one randomly. Sure, there's always exceptions but most of us don't go out on 100 random meets but narrow down eligible males.

Guys say they aren't interested in 'fat 'chicks'. I'm not interested in a guy who can't discuss literature or scoffs at going to the theatre. Women are attracted to intelligence and even more so to guys who actually use it. Tarzan the Apeman might be jungle smarts but the conversation would wear thin after a few dates...I don' want to talk about coconuts or football.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 29
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 12:43:27 PM

A college degree shows some depth. We are much more likely to be compatible.

B as in B. S as in S.
Some college degrees are nothing more than a survival certificate showing you didn't damage ALL your brain cells once you discovered beer. People can CLAIM to be active and like being outside, but there's plenty of people out there that by reading into their profiles - you know they will NEVER carry their own golf clubs around a course for 18 holes. Education doesn't mean intelligence, just like claiming to be active doesn't mean they are.

Screening for intelligence is always, always, ALWAYS going to be better predicted from real-life conversations, either on the phone or in real-life.

Intelligence and wisdom is as much about your education as your body shape is about what car you drive. Degrees can be bought and paid for, not necessarily 'earned'. I'd relate to someone who didn't get a free ride and had to bury themselves in debt to get that parchment, and then had to spend more than a decade paying off those loans. That's a story that can be relevant whether your major was International Business or Underwater Basket-Weaving.

Compatibility comes in many forms, and level of formal education is only one of a long list. The fun part about a college degree is if you find a fellow classmate or alma mater, you have a common history you can relate to, and can understand your past somewhat. THAT kind of compatibility is a helluva lot more valuable than whether or not they actually graduated.
 PA_DancingBear
Joined: 5/23/2013
Msg: 30
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 1:44:35 PM

Tarzan the Apeman might be jungle smarts but the conversation would wear thin after a few dates...I don' want to talk about coconuts or football.


Football is both a physical and an intellectual sport. I'll just stop there as it is tangential to Bibliophile's thread. Football would probably make for a hilarious/fun thread of it own.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 31
Intelligence and dating
Posted: 6/21/2013 3:19:53 PM

Do you think the chances of finding smart people on here are lower than other dating sites, or is it fairly equal?


There is definitely a cross section of humanity on this site, but I think distribution is skewed to the lower percentiles.
Mensa (98%) is known as the most social of the high iq groups. the next biggest group (99%) usually has a reciprocal arrangement with them. Check it out if IQ is important, but here in Colorado, Mensa has quite a few Ted Kaczynski-type mountain men living in cabins lacking modern conveniences.
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