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 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 1
After two months now what?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So I'm back. Before I was worried because this girl I've been seeing for two months wasn't responding to my call. Well she did finally get back to me, and we did see each other that weekend. And (without being too descriptive) we had an amazing evening. I text her a few days later to tell her I was still thinking about the previous weekend and she responded saying every time she thought about me made her smile. So we had made plans to hang out the following weekend, but then she canceled because it was fathers day, and went on to say she was busy all weekend. But we made plans to hang out the following Friday. I had mixed feelings about this change of stance, coupled with the lackluster responses the previous week, so I asked my friends and they said I should back off for a while and give her a chance to miss me.
So I didn't contact her at all, hoping if she really wanted to see me Friday she would let me know. Well its Saturday now and I still haven't heard from her. Also I've seen that she's been active on POF all week. Regardless I've been on as well messaging other women because the behavior on her part the past few weeks has led me to feel that she's not as interested as she claims in all her nice texts and sweet words. So I'm wondering if I should just let it go or try to talk to her about this. I'm not the type of person who just cuts someone off with out even having the talk. But I feel that any response from me at this point would come off as clingy/desperate or whatever.
You all gave great advice before, so I welcome any and all opinions. Thanks for helping to build a great community here on the forums.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 2
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 9:43:02 AM
1. You do know that people tend to forget about things like Father's day until the last minute. So a legitimate change of plans on her part. Think about it, would you really want to spend time with someone who would choose a second date over her father? I certainly wouldn't.

2. So you asked your friends and they told you to play games. Bad idea, think you lost this game.

3. Remember if you saw her active on POF, she saw you active as well.

4. Let it go or try again, at this point I really don't think it matters. You have been playing games and keeping score, not exactly the best way to start a relationship.

5. My only advice is this. The next time, keep the lines of communication open, quit keeping score and stop playing games.
 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 3
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 10:04:17 AM
I should point out that I've been very clear about my intentions with her from the beginning. I told her I only date one person at a time. Made lots of romantic gestures, and told her how much I liked her all the time, which were met by less enthusiastic responses. I'm always the one to make plans, so my friends (this includes my sister and brothre-in-law) suggested I pull back and let her reach out. I wouldn't have backed off if hadn't felt she was pulling away first. I've never been a gamer, until I felt like I was being gamed.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 4
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History
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 1:39:50 PM
I'm not sure in what way you felt she was pulling back or had lackluster responses. I can understand her not wanting to go out Father's Day weekend if it meant she was spending that time with her dad. If my dad were still here, I'd spend that time with him, too.
Is it possible she was not playing games, but that you came on too strong too soon? Cause nothing sends me running faster than something like that. I dunno. It's really hard to know the answer without being there.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 5
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 1:44:35 PM
Ya see, this is what happens when one plays these kind of silent treatment games. In the beggining we are trying to establish the i like you but you like me more so i won't let it show but then get all butt hurt when you don't chase me. I don't know if you communicated your wants and needs and if they match hers, but the ignore game someones bluff always gets called and neither wins. If you like someone tell them, although rejection is possible, it's a whole lot better than what you have going here. best wishes
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 6
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 5:19:08 PM
I don't do this one for one text counting. I would have texted on Thursday night: "Are we still on for Friday?" I would also have no problems with texting "Do you want to get together for lunch at xxx?" on Sunday morning.
If she's cancelled on you and you've had to initiate more contact with her, it is safe to think that you might be a little more interested in her than she is with you. However, if you haven't contacted her for most of the week, it would be hard to think of you as clingy or desperate. Being on POF all week long to me is sort of tough. I always think that the person I'm dating isn't too serious when I see him online all the time.

Anyhow... if you two have been dating for two months maybe you should just talk about how things are going over lunch tomorrow.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 7
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 6:17:42 PM
If you want to play games buy a playstation. If you are interested in a woman then act interested and stop listening to your friends. I am guessing they are single.
 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 8
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 8:42:49 PM
Well I've learned a lot from the whole experience, for one, never buy a girl flowers until you've talked about being exclusive. So I guess my question to you all now after reading some of the posts is it wrong to elude to exclusivity and make romantic gestures toward someone if you have strong feelings for them regardless of time frames and all these dating rules? I feel like if two people like each other the same and enjoy their time together they'd be excited and happy that someone was making those gestures. I've known people who were together for just a few months and decided to get married and it actually worked out. I think that when you know, you know. And with this girl I've been dating, it wasn't the same. So I'd rather find someone where there is mutual attraction. I think you all were right, she's not as into me as I am. So that sucks, and I'm going to feel down for a little bit and miss her for a while. But in hindsight I'm probably better off for the experience.

BTW, my friends who are telling me this are my best friend and her husband, and my sister and my brother-in-law. They're both in committed relationships with children, and I tend to value the opinion of people who are most important to me, since they tend to want whats best for me
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 9
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 8:49:45 PM

BTW, my friends who are telling me this are my best friend and her husband, and my sister and my brother-in-law. They're both in committed relationships with children, and I tend to value the opinion of people who are most important to me, since they tend to want whats best for me


I'm sure they do...but unless they know this woman well, they can't predict how she will feel nor what she will do.

I'm with the others who have posted that you need to quit playing games. If you are always diplomatically upfront with people, you will weed out the game players, and attract those who also don't play games. It makes for much less drama and much better communication.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 10
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/22/2013 9:14:30 PM
OP, you said in last post that you weren't sure either with this woman so if you don't and she isn't that interested, case solved and everyone moves on.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 11
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 4:35:24 AM

I should point out that I've been very clear about my intentions with her from the beginning. I told her I only date one person at a time. Made lots of romantic gestures, and told her how much I liked her all the time, which were met by less enthusiastic responses. I'm always the one to make plans.......


This right here should give the answer to the questions you have.......YOU have made the effort to make plans/romantic gestures. et al but from what I can tell it hasn't been reciprocated, much less appreciated.

I went through this myself.....never again.

OP......my advice.....let her go and move on. She isn't interested and doesn't know how to convey that to you and she is hoping to fade into the background in time so she doesn't have to deal with ending things with you.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 12
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 7:43:14 AM

is it wrong to elude to exclusivity and make romantic gestures toward someone if you have strong feelings for them regardless of time frames and all these dating rules?


I think that most people know within a couple of months or so if they are attracted enough to the person to date them exclusively or not. A woman who wants to date exclusively will be happy that you eluded to exclusivity and made the romantic gestures towards her. It is a good thing. Unfortunately, there are a portion of men and women out there who don't date exclusively at all. They are non-committal. They just keep their options open all the time. You might want to remind her that you were hoping at this point that you two would get to the point of dating each other exclusively. And... if she wants to continue dating others, perhaps you two should just end things.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 13
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After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 8:46:45 AM
You're cheap for one thing. "never buy a girl flowers until you've talked about being exclusive". What? you can't afford flowers unless she is the one! Whatever....

Anyhow, she is not interested in an "exclusive" relationship with you. She's probably one of those women that will call you to get laid, and that's it.

There are women out there believe it or not that enjoy an occasional flop in the sack with men they feel that they can trust, which she must feel 'save' having sex with you.

Sorry, but that is what person gets when they are looking for a real commited relationship and before they even can talk about the possiblities of it they are already sleeping with each other.

Learn from this!
Good luck next time.
Jan
 Mixture24
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 14
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 10:09:43 AM
A lot of bad advice in this thread. Anyway, you should've hit her up the day before friday and asked if we were still on for friday, that would've gave you a better indication of whether she was interested or not. If she says yes, then its obvious she has interest, if she would've said no than I would back off and maybe went in a different direction. I understand the whole playing it cool game, making her miss you or whatever, but there are times where you have to break away from that and show interest.
 ripcurl7772
Joined: 9/14/2012
Msg: 15
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 10:41:10 AM
One thing to keep in mind in "playing it cool"...the chicks on online dating websites that are avg or hot looking get dozens of emails a week. Many of them will be better looking and make more money and be taller. So remember, the girls not going into shutdown/quiet mode. The cute girls keep getting doZens OF MEN OPTIONS weekly.
 firefly416
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 16
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History
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 2:11:18 PM
I'm thinking the "amazing" likely included sex. It seems that most people who responded to you didn't think that. I like flowers for occasions--birthday, Valentine's Day, monthaversary of when we met or if you're hoping to get laid. Probably the fastest way to get me in bed. Of course I'd have to be already wanted to do that in order for it to work.

Yeah don't you just hate it when Father's Day sneaks up without anyone having a year to realize it would.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 17
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 2:55:55 PM
then she canceled because it was fathers day, and went on to say she was busy all weekend. But we made plans to hang out the following Friday. I had mixed feelings about this change of stance, coupled with the lackluster responses the previous week, so I asked my friends and they said I should back off for a while and give her a chance to miss me.

It's not for cancelling on father's day (that's understandable) -- it's her lackluster communication. But what do you mean by "backing off"? Like not writing her all the time? Or going as far as not responding to her texts? Don't do the latter. At most come off as not-so-eager for a bit, by not responding ASAP but giving it a bit of time (which can happen naturally anyway) to respond instead.

So I didn't contact her at all, hoping if she really wanted to see me Friday she would let me know.

Well wait, on Thursday evening you didn't at least text her with "Hey, we still on for tomorrow?"

Well its Saturday now and I still haven't heard from her. Also I've seen that she's been active on POF all week.

Yeah, she's not that into you -- obviously. She had lackluster communication, it's been 2 months (not 2 dates), and if you have to keep chasing her at that point while she's on POF chasing dudes -- yeah, move along.

Don't string it out -- she didn't like you before -- she's nice and overdoes her words, because actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words. You should have texted her Thursday night about Friday to see if you're still on. BUT with her knowing you do like her, her not texting you does show she's not interested -- ie, not taking you seriously. Move along!
 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 18
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 3:00:26 PM
I probably should have hit her up on Thursday or Friday, but honestly after seeing she had been on POF and OKC the same day we had discussed plans (the previous Friday) kind of took the wind out of my sails. I didn't enjoy the idea of talking to her at that point, I was feeling pretty down all last week. My friends say I should not talk to her, even though I feel like I owe her an apology for blowing her off. But if she really wanted to see me, she could have easily sent a simple text, she sent me a text to cancel our plans the previous week easily enough. Is she really interested when she never takes initiative to make plans herself but only says yes when I'm the one doing all the work? I feel in this day and age planning and communicating should be a two way street.
Also about the flowers thing. 4 out of the last 5 times I bought a girl flowers before being exclusive, she ended up breaking things off in one way or another. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, and I love to spoil the apples of my eye. Based on my experiences it seems better to be cautious with the romantic gestures early on.
Also she never struck me as the casual sex type. From her profile she was interested in being in a committed relationship, we had talked a lot about marriage and kids (just general conversations). So I don't know. She's very shy, so maybe she's used to guys leading her around all the time and not so good at taking initiative? Still my gut's telling me to move on, I've been at this long enough to know these patterns when I see them. And stuff like forgetting to call back and showing up super late to dates is flaky, it shows a lack of respect for herself and her date. She may say she wants a relationship, but I very much doubt she's ready for one.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 19
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 3:42:41 PM
OP, just one question to clarify a point that continues to confuse me. How did you know that she was online on POF and OKC? Oops more that one question. 2nd question. How come it was okay for you to be online but not her. If you saw her, she saw you and she was not the only one who was not communicating.

Just sayin'
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 20
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 4:16:10 PM
From the advice of your family/friends and your later posts, I get the impression you are always jumping in so quickly that it gives off the "desperate" vibe.

Of course people who like each other are eager to meet again--but in real life, only those who have pretty much nothing else to do, or who put "relationship" above everything else, will actually run full speed ahead with someone they barely know.

Being desperate and putting "relationship" first means that you are pretty indifferent about who the other person is--you are soooooo excited to be coupled and you think and act like it is that other person, when in fact, it is just the reality that you aren't alone anymore that is so exciting to you.

Really, your own life--if truly fulfilling--will mean you have to work someone into it, slowly at first (like she seems to have been doing), and as your current set of engagments fade away over a few weeks, you will be able to plan more time together. I'm planned out most weekends, for example, at least 3 to 6 weeks in advance; I'm not sitting around waiting for someone to make plans with! So if someone wants to see me, I can squeeze them in on a weeknight at first, then maybe a weekend after noon, etc., until I begin to make plans with them for an open weekend. I don't dump all my plans or give up all my alone time just b/c I met someone--no matter how much I enjoy them. It's easy to communicate interest and to keep contact and dates and let the time together increase slowly.

Stop now and figure out why you are like this--unhappy being alone, too eager to be coupled, etc. You'll keep making mistakes if you don't. The problem is not trying to figure out when you should make romantic gestures--the problem is that you want to make them well before they are due, and that isn't b/c of some rule or something--it's because most of us learn to take our time getting to know someone, enjoying the fun while we evaluate their character, their goals, their values, etc., and we save those special gestures for people who prove really special to us because in addition to being someone we find attractive physically and with whom we can have a lot of fun, they have earned our trust, stood by us, proven solid gold. You can't know that stuff in a few weeks, and you shouldn't be acting like "she's the one" until you DO know that stuff.
 cleverusername7
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 21
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 5:42:40 PM
Hamilton, you can do that thing where they list people you've messaged based on compatibility, and it'll show either "online today", "online this week", etc. I went back on POF because I felt she was pulling away and maybe dating other people, so I thought maybe I should look at other options too. I just randomly saw that she was on line, and randomly stumbled on her profile on OKC. I know I have no reason to hold it against her, and I keep trying to tell myself this, but I guess I'm a bit of the jealous type.
DMZvisitor, very insightful comments, thank you for the advice. I've thought this too. I suppose I'm afraid I'll end up like my aunt and uncle who never found anyone. I've been off and on single for about five years, and I'm tired of the dating game. So when I met someone who I clicked with so easily and whom I seemed to have a lot in common with, value and interest wise. Sure I jumped on it. Maybe it is partly because of my own insecurities and trust issues that I am where I am now. As this seems to be a pattern with me. I am an introvert so its not easy for me to meet new people. But I am super busy. I work 40-60 hours a week and spend a lot of time with family and friends. I was making time for her that I could have spent with others, so I guess you have a point. If I go out of my way to make time, when she's not ready to do the same, then I get all butt hurt about when she cancels and don't call to confirm us getting together. I know I shouldn't be accommodating, but my passions have always been stronger than my reasoning.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 22
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 5:53:33 PM
So it was okay for you to still be looking but not her? Still doesn't make sense. Every time I read the he/she was online, well, so were you! You have been counting, who messaged who first doesn't matter, not confirming a date and then having your nose out of joint because it didn't happen.

My advice to you.

Give up on this woman, let her find some who doesn't play games and is actually interested.

Take a good hard look at yourself before attempting another relationship.

Stop playing games and keeping score. Neither life nor relationships work that way.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/23/2013 11:33:20 PM

I probably should have hit her up on Thursday or Friday, but honestly after seeing she had been on POF and OKC the same day we had discussed plans (the previous Friday) kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Yeah, but it shouldn't have hit you that hard. People have incoming messages and stuff -- logging on and looking while being non-exclusive doesn't MEAN they're chasing or into someone else. Plus, you were on there to check it out. :) Granted, after 2 months, and her interest seemingly on-and-off it will just get to ya.... but you Should have hit her up, and judged her willingness based on that.

My friends say I should not talk to her, even though I feel like I owe her an apology for blowing her off. But if she really wanted to see me, she could have easily sent a simple text, she sent me a text to cancel our plans the previous week easily enough.

Yeah, you didn't blow her off -- you just had bad game. You weren't in position to be THE person to write. She was just as much responsible for not writing as you were. Again, not a blow off -- but you should have written her.

Is she really interested when she never takes initiative to make plans herself but only says yes when I'm the one doing all the work? I feel in this day and age planning and communicating should be a two way street.

It should be a two-way street. But you shouldn't necessarily expect her to take the initiative to make plans with you -- some women want the guy to take the lead on that. However, as far as communication is concerned, it's immature & childish to expect the guy to always initiate EVERY communication. And most women understand that when they know the guy likes her (it's been 2 months of knowing each other), there aren't baby games played when it comes to mere communication.

Also about the flowers thing. 4 out of the last 5 times I bought a girl flowers before being exclusive, she ended up breaking things off in one way or another. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, and I love to spoil the apples of my eye.

Dude, you're desperate. That doesn't work and you're confused. You know it doesn't but you're frustrated. It's easier to buy romantic 'stuff' and spit out compliments and spoil than to be charming. You need to understand that aside from the very few gals looking for sugar daddies -- they don't want a guy to be like that and have that mindset until you've become a couple. You can't "win" 95% of girls that way -- in fact, psychologically, it will turn most off or at least dampen their internal interest.

Still my gut's telling me to move on, I've been at this long enough to know these patterns when I see them.

I think your gut knows she's not that interested in you. You want to see real interest in her, it's not really there, and that's why you put the ball in her court without her knowing it and not at the best of times.

At this point, yes, move on. Don't kick yourself of course... at best, you would have gotten a nice date that you paid for that wouldn't have led to anything anyway -- at best another date if you chased her enough. Next time, even if you feel the girl's not that interested -- follow through on setting up the date even if you have to reach out when the date was already agreed upon. Then read her on the date to decide... or if the gal postpones it, put the ball in her court if she's always seemed not that interested in you over time like this one was.

And don't give girls gifts or flowers to try and buy their interest! And more importantly, don't trip over your own feet to fire off compliments non-stop and lay out the red carpet. Treat them as a gal who you like & take out BUT they have to earn YOUR full interest, and THEY'RE the ones, just as much, to be accepted or denied. Have that mindset & approach. Read a book or two if you have to. :)
 daysleeper5
Joined: 11/6/2009
Msg: 24
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History
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/24/2013 12:39:32 AM
OP, two months is more than enough time for this woman to either sh-t or get off the pot. Casual dating for any longer than that is usually only about the sex. Like a summer fling. Especially for the person who seems the most nonchalant about it. You deserve a straight answer though. Pick up the phone and call her. Be straightforward and blunt. What's the deal with the two of you? Don't let her be coy and if she says anything about being "confused," just hang up the phone because that's usually followed by "I don't know what I want."
 peaceful_garden
Joined: 4/10/2013
Msg: 25
After two months now what?
Posted: 6/24/2013 1:45:31 AM

BTW, my friends who are telling me this are my best friend and her husband


It's probably something like that....your best friend is a woman. Yikes I wouldn't take you seriously either, nor would any of my friends put up with that drama dynamic. She prefers a man with boundaries.
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