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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationsh      Home login  
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 Beatkunedo90
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 1
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Background: I am an autistic (though high-functioning) male who was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I'm also a very introverted person who has grown rather attached to self-reflection time throughout life. Though I am disappointed in the fact that I am almost a complete contradiction to what America sees a man to be, I am in complete acceptance of who I am. However, it doesn't matter how secure I am with who I am. I'm not trying to date myself.

The problem I face is that success in a society driven solely by the Extrovert Ideal and the "Culture of Me" is only attainable by gregarious men, and that my attempts to fit this mold have either led to extreme discomfort or a forfeiture of self. I've traveled throughout the world and experienced many cultures, but if I decide to stay in America, I have to deal with the fact that American women do not seek out men like me, and are often put off on our advances, no matter how polite or genuine. How do you overcome this? Is leaving the extrovert-loving Western World for the eastern cultures more accepting and appreciative of quiet, reserved, deep thinkers the only option?
 Beatkunedo90
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 2
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 6/30/2013 2:13:48 AM
Thank you. I shall pack my bags immediately.
 Beatkunedo90
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 3
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 6/30/2013 4:13:59 AM
I wasn't blaming anybody or anything. I was merely explaining the setting. It isn't just America, but many eurocentric cultures glorify the loud and shun the quiet, especially after the transition from the Culture of Character to the Culture of Personality. This isn't a "why doesn't the world love me" post, it's a "how can I still attain success despite the extenuating circumstances" one.

I mentioned moving to an Asian country to settle down because it is a possible option for me (being in the military and all), but I don't want to be restricted to Asia because America excommunicated me. I'll most likely be back on the forums asking questions when/if I do get a girlfriend, though I expect my questions to either be ignored or dismissed as they have been already.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 4
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How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 6/30/2013 4:15:27 AM
OP: Have you read Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain? It's a terrific book about how to be an introvert in an extrovert world. I think you might find it of interest.

Re read your post. It's full of broad generalizations and this type of thinking will box you in personally and interpersonally. You know of course that not all women are extroverts looking for extroverts. There are many women -extroverts and introverts who would be interested in dating an introvert or someone who is a high functioning autisitic or short or tall or asian or hispanic or european or chubby or althetic.......
 Beatkunedo90
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 5
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 6/30/2013 4:23:49 AM
I'm actually reading it now actually! What a coincidence.

My generalizations come from the people I meet though. I've put myself out there a lot using both dating sites and meeting in person, but the majority of the women I meet are/were all looking for the same kind of man, and the ones who weren't just weren't looking for me. I know you can't win them all, but it seems ridiculous to lose them all too. Theoretically, everyone has someone, and statistically it's impossible to not have anyone with the billions of people there are in the world, but it's still hard to imagine a woman saying "I like em quiet!"
 Beatkunedo90
Joined: 2/8/2013
Msg: 6
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 6/30/2013 4:43:06 AM
I can tell by your defensiveness that I have offended you. For that, I apologize. The topic of introversion and extroversion, and the fact that those terms are even relevant is still a subject of debate for the world's brightest minds, so there's no point in us squabbling about it.

I don't wish to turn this into some kind of argument when it doesn't have to be, but the correlation between attitude and success seems to drastically undersell the issue at hand. The attitude is important, but it isn't everything. For example, if you were given a map of San Fransisco, you couldn't use it to navigate through Atlanta no matter how good your attitude was. The answer I was looking for was if there was something I lacked.

Every event that transpired in every interaction led up to the conclusion of the meeting, so let's say every individual factor was an ingredient to a recipe. We can all agree that there are infinite recipes for failure, but there are still many recipes for success, right? I'm asking what a/the recipe of success is, or at least where to find it/one. Anything would help: life stories, book/movie recommendations, etc.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 6/30/2013 7:06:20 AM
Generally if you are an introvert, you're not a fan of being around people much - so a relationship would just irritate you. It's odd that you'd want something that kind of goes against the nature of being an introvert.

That said, if you want a relationship eventually - to some degree you have to first meet people in social settings, cause that's where they are. Even if you frequent online dating sites, you still have to meet in person at some point in a social setting - so there's no getting around social activity.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 8
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 7/2/2013 11:30:26 PM
People who are quiet, reserved, or deep thinkers have a lot to offer women, and America has a wide range of women, many of whom will recognize those qualities. I have a hunch that your approaching the wrong types of women which in turn has helped develop your opinion on western culture.

Guess what? You might not believe this but I have a friend that lives 3 doors down, he's autistic and high functioning like you. Right now he's spending time with a woman my girlfriend and I introduced him to. He has some struggles with communication which makes meeting women a challenge, but he's smart and good hearted and I think he can make a relationship work.

I'm a bit introverted myself, but with the right woman I've opened up more than I thought was possible. That woman is out there for you too, and what better place to find her than a country as diverse as this one. This country has a little of all cultures, stick around you might be surprised.
 Michael7482
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 9
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 7/2/2013 11:36:14 PM
stephenlikesto



In answer to your question.

Be very rich.


That's just silly. Im poor and introverted, not to mention having other issues, but I'm doing just fine in my relationship. It took a while to be able to say that about her and I but I've never been so optimistic.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 10
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How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 7/3/2013 6:26:15 AM
First off be selective about who you listen too. :)

Dont get down on yourself about introversion.
Im an introvert and I do fine with the ladies.
The WORST thing you can do is try to be someone you arent.
Nobody wins in that situation.

Several good suggestions have been offered above, but the most important thing you can do is maintain your confidence. You will have to do the same thing that the other 3.5 billion men do... look around.
One of my best friends is an Aspi and she is about to get married.
It can be a challenge, but it CAN be done.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 11
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 7/3/2013 7:49:26 AM

womaninprogress, you are wrong in your assessment than an introvert would be irritated by being in a relationship.

I am pretty introverted, yes I'm a DJ and work with people almost all the time but too much of it wears me out. In fact, the more intimate and one on one it is, the more tired I get by it. Therefore, while I am OK in relationships - too much one on one interaction is a turn off for me - in the beginning stages of any relationship I tend to burn out if I'm around someone more than twice a week.

There is a huge difference between not liking to be around people and being with someone.

For me, someone IS people. So, being around one person is the narrowed-down result of being around people.

Introverts will stay away from the loud and fast-paced environments with crowds (IE: bars and clubs) but they will also jump at the chance for a one-on-one interaction over dinner and/or coffee.

I'm the opposite. Large crowds aren't personal, they don't demand attention from me. I can be around and in crowds usually and observe people without having to interact. I can talk to them, and they don't have to respond to me. One of my favorite things to do is people watch in crowds, so long as I am not affected by it. The one on one is where I'm required to actually listen, react, respond - which I can do for a while, but need to recharge and come back to it in order not to feel wiped out. I reserve that for my very close friends, family, SO, and those who know and love me don't take it personally when I need to go off and avoid it...I'll be back when I'm ready for more.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 12
How can an autistic introvert successfully obtain love and relationships in America?
Posted: 7/11/2013 4:15:14 PM
Cyrano-sama- The most important thing is accepting yourself as is. If you are truly happy with who you are, then you will be happy whether you are single or in a relationship.
It would be a boring world if we were all the same.
There are bad people in the world, that is a fact of life, there are also good people.
Join a support group for people with Asperger's, who better to understand you?
Take art classes or photography, whatever might interest you, you can meet people that way too.
Be aware of the bad in life, it will help to protect you, but do all you can to find and focus on the good in life :)
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