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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is there potential or am I filling a void?      Home login  
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 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 1
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am living with a friend who is recently separated with children. She cooks, cleans, does her own laundry, lets me use her car occasionally. She also acts like I'm an authority and the children have to listen to me.
Now to start off with, I tend to grow on people sometimes. I tell her she is beautiful every day, she always smiles and says "shut up". I have also cooked, cleaned, mowed the grass, etc. I have seen 2 of her male friends come over and they both come with alcohol. She also was supposed to go to dinner with another male friend. Before I moved in, she stated she has always liked me as a friend. Now I am wondering if there is potential to date or if I should give up on trying to date this one.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 2
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:19:47 AM
Before I moved in, she stated she has always liked me as a friend.


You've already answered your own question. She doesn't want to take the risk of ruining her friendship with you. She's the one filling a void with you as a fill in. Risk outweighs reward.

You're welcome.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 3
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:25:35 AM
OP: How do you 'date' someone you are living with as a housemate??? You are putting your friendship with her, the stability of her children at risk here. Consider her and the children as 'choosen' family. People you have deep emotional and relational ties with....this doesn't have to include sex. Appreciate the positive things this living arrangement has and meet your sexual needs elsewhere.
 Tippi_Hedren
Joined: 4/6/2013
Msg: 4
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:26:58 AM
The answer is in your own choice of words.
give up on trying to date this one.
Give up on "this one" and move on to the "next one."
 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 5
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:31:27 AM
I do appreciate the "chosen" family. she has stated to me before that she appreciated me doing little things like sitting at the table for dinner because her ex husband would never do things like that and that it meant a lot to her. It helps me out because I had been drinking 7 nights a week for about 5 or 6 months and now I rarely drink because I don't drink around children. And as I have stated, I tend to grow on people that is why I posed the question
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 6
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:33:50 AM
You don't eat where you sh*t. The authority figure is because YOU ARE the adult that she may be leaving her kids with at times & you should feel obligated to help with everything, including $$$, since she's doing you a solid. Potential anything would be for when you get off your a** & her couch & back on your feet & not some sentimental puppy dog misreading things from playing house.
 NtvNtv
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 7
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:42:00 AM
You are friends who are helping each other out.

Don't expect more...I think she looks at you as a buddy/roommate.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 8
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:49:03 AM
liked me as a friend
Leave it at that. ......You mention your own use of alcohol and yet somehow seem to fault her male friends/company for bringing alcohol with them. Pot, kettle, black!
 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 9
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 8:54:09 AM
I don't bring alcohol to try to get her to drink. That's the difference. I think it's unnecessary. To me, If a guy goes to a woman's house with alcohol, he has expectations and motives. Personally, even in meeting a woman for the first time, I do not bring alcohol.
 that_ol_lady
Joined: 4/19/2013
Msg: 10
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 9:00:28 AM
O lord,i see how this is going to go before long o.p will have a baby on the way with his "separated female roommate"
an then boom goes the dynamite along with all the other drama an emotional an physical baggage to come old an new.an so forth with her kids his kids an the new kid.
 BorderCollieMix
Joined: 7/4/2013
Msg: 11
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 9:05:12 AM
She sounds like a great friend and one whose boundaries you need to respect. She has told you how she felt--she knows this and you know this. IF her feelings change, she will let you know; she is aware that she has set limits with you. But do not count on that--she sees you have some great qualities, and she LIKES you for those things (she wouldn't let you live around her kids if she didn't), but she does not feel a sexual attraction toward you and never will. Of course, we all know that "never" means "almost never," but for you to hope or try to be the exception is just wrong, given the situation. Just know that when a woman tells a guy she sees him as a friend, she means she feels no attraction to him and that just does not change.

When you get back on your feet, do not forget her kindness and her kids. You have been welcomed into their home in a way few people would allow, and this is a tremendous gift. Sounds like she did not heap a bunch of expectations on you but has given you positive feedback for the adult behaviors you demonstrate.

What a great thing that you respect children enough not to give them the impression that regular, frequent alcohol use (and abuse, perhaps?) is normal. This touched me b/c a relative has recently demonstrated that he cannot control his drinking and children are exposed--as he was, when he was a child. The cycle there is renewing itself. You are setting a very good standard for the kids--and given that you are a bit out of luck right now, it shows some real character in you.

Good luck in getting back out on your own. You are certainly free to look for a girlfriend, but do not expect to bring someone "home" when you live in this lady's house b/c you owe it to her not to introduce her kids to someone else who might be just a fleeting acquaintance.
 theusmale
Joined: 6/29/2013
Msg: 12
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 9:14:19 AM
There is a saying, don't poop where you eat - if things go south, it could go very badly to the point you need to move out.

On the other hand, if you want to try and turn it into a romantic relationship, there is one way to find out if it will ever happen... take her out on a date and go for the first kiss.
 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 13
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 9:16:38 AM
One of the rules she set forth before I moved in was no strangers allowed "stranger danger" . If I am meeting other women, meet them at their place because she is looking out for her children which I feel is a logical thing. And I do respect her boundaries. I like telling her she is beautiful because every woman deserves to hear that and it puts a smile on her face. A friend of mine told me, considering my roommate and I are both lonely, we are filling voids. she's acting like I'm her husband( without the affection) and I just have a friend around all the time. And it is true, people like this are rare.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 14
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 9:46:51 AM
If you progress to dating and it fails, it shall be very awkward for the both of you around the home...maybe to the point where you'll need to move out. Too much at risk here.

Stay friends.
 BorderCollieMix
Joined: 7/4/2013
Msg: 15
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 9:48:43 AM
I'd be very careful about believing she is filling a void--b/c a woman does not invite a man into her home and around her children just to fill a void. Single moms are pretty darn competent, usually, and while they might *like* having a guy around, they sure don't need it. So do not assume she "needs" you around in any way--she is showing kindness, plain and simple--and you have, so far, demonstrated that you merit the risk she took in letting you into her home. Now, if you are filling a void--that is a different matter. If you could be living with your parents, another friend, or sibling, you actually should do that rather than rest on her kindness. She will be ok without you.
 JeremyD4789
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 16
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 11:55:11 AM
For that type of question the answer is always "filling a void."
That was my answer before reading even reading it.
 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 17
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 5:48:43 PM
It means some female friends of mine develop feelings for me after time and adapting to my personality. It throws me off however when she says things like " do you like "our" umbrella"? because all we are currently is friends, My name isn't on the lease but I guess it's also my home now too . That's why I asked is there potential or a void being filled?
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 18
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 6:08:37 PM
OP I do think you are falling into the trap of mistaking her kindness and friendship as proof that she has "more" than friendship on her mind. She almost certainly does not, and it might be quite upsetting to her that you have interpreted her kindness as some kind of come-on.

Don't go there.... She told you she thought of you as a friend... leave it as that and "fill your void" somewhere else..
 you_needme
Joined: 6/30/2013
Msg: 19
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/21/2013 7:54:09 PM

Is there potential or am I filling a void?

There's always potential for something.
"Potential" is a vague term.
Potential for love, agape and eros.
Potential for trouble.
Potential for rebound.
Potential for identity theft.
All sorts of potential here.

Otherwise, yes, you're filling a void.
You are simply growing attached and bonding.
Just like every human being on the face of this planet does when circumstances dictate they be around each other.


living with a friend who is recently separated with children

Curious to how long has she been separated, how long she was with the guy, and how long between him moving out and you moving in.
Unless he's been gone for several years, then you are simply her pinch hitter husband that doesn't expect anything from her.

Plus your relationship is 90% facade.
Otherwise you wouldn't be on the internet talking to strangers about your relationship with her.
Instead you would be talking about your friend relationship with your friend.

It's also a facade because:

2 of her male friends come over and they both come with alcohol...If a guy goes to a woman's house with alcohol, he has expectations and motives

She's an adult making her own choices and decisions.
They are her friends.
You're implying she's some kind of victim to them, thereby your motives are based on pity or desire to be cpt save a ho, or you don't respect her decisions.


I like telling her she is beautiful because every woman deserves to hear that and it puts a smile on her face.

The way that is typed implies you don't really find her beautiful.
You're mostly doing it for yourself, because you feel women deserve to hear it, you do it to manipulate a smile from her.
IOW you don't respect her enough to not blow smoke.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 20
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/22/2013 4:53:52 AM
she says things like " do you like "our" umbrella"? ... That's why I asked is there potential or a void being filled

potential for WHAT, co-ownership of an umbrella? how much do you like that umbrella?



or if I should give up on trying to date this one

how are you TRYING to date this one? how can you date someone when you're unemployed and living in her house? you are basically earning your keep thru domestic chores. you are Cato. iron her shirt.

IF she is developing feelings for you (as so many of your gal pals are wont to do), then my guess is she's going to be second-guessing those feelings given the obvious "potential" that if things don't work out all nicey nice, she'd have to put you out on the street or spend 24/7 cringing in her own abode because you're still living in it and burning her shirts.



If a guy goes to a woman's house with alcohol, he has expectations and motives.

oh NO, you don't have any of THOSE.



I like telling her she is beautiful because ....

you have no expectations or even motives.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 21
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/22/2013 7:26:28 AM
You are in the dreaded "friend zone" with no chance of escape, don't ruin things by getting jealous or by pursuing her unless you get your own place first.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 22
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/22/2013 7:35:25 AM

To me, If a guy goes to a woman's house with alcohol, he has expectations and motives.

I agree, but...

I am living with a friend who is recently separated ... She also acts like I'm an authority and the children have to listen to me ... I tell her she is beautiful every day, she always smiles and says "shut up"

How about that? You're in a real weird situation. Some women may not be that into the GUY, but they are that into the SITUATION, and it ends up growing. Or she's keeping away from actually getting together with you because you're living with her AND she's separated and knows it's not logically time for that -- so you shouldn't aim to be in a Relationship with her anyway.

You are filling a void, yes. Is she at least a little into you? To some degree, possibly. But you're in a weird situation. Why are you telling her she's beautiful every day? Because you want her. She knows it. Could you possibly win her over? Yeah, I guess. But since you're living with her there's no rush -- you have all the time in the world.

Just don't expect to "get" her. She already knows you dig her. Move on emotionally, look for other dating prospects, etc. Invite Them over. :)
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 23
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/22/2013 7:52:51 AM
Personal opinion...you're being used.
The one thing that stood out to me...This woman is MARRIED...still married...and not likely to divorce soon, even though she doesn't seem to have problems dating other men. Very often separated people reconcile; very often they will divorce, then you have to deal with the post divorce adjustment period. This does exist (I've been divorced twice) and can take some time. Best advice to you...unless you are willing to have this blow out of the water, back off, leave her alone, and let her clean up her life before you even consider anything else. And you should look for someone else to date...you are on a dating website...right?
BTW...who's taking care of the kids? If you/they get attached you have a whole new problem and it's not fun either. They seem to have gotten lost in this thread.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 24
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Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/22/2013 10:54:06 AM
Ever seen somebody juggle dynamite?
Looks dangerous, doesnt it?

If you want to light the fuses, keep flirting with her.

You are both satisfying a need for company and thats fine...just keep it platonic and nobody (especially the kids) will get hurt. Position yourself as the roomate. That way everybody is on the same page.
Stop with the beautiful comments. Stop with the flirting.

Her life is complicated enough as it is.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 25
Is there potential or am I filling a void?
Posted: 7/26/2013 6:40:45 AM
Most women dont like to waste time in dating especially women with small children. if she thought of you as a serious partner for her family she would have let you know long time ago. instead she is inviting other men . what more hint do you need ?
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