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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Lost a friend      Home login  
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 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 2
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Lost a friendPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Of course you feel hurt, if you loved her. What was the misunderstanding? What do you mean you could have handled the situation better at the BBQ? Are we missing something?

It sounds like either she doesn't feel the same and your actions (since you deny any words claiming it) have made her uncomfortable, or, she knows she can't maintain a friendship with you with the new relationship.

Hanging out together a couple times a week and phone/texting every day sounds like either 1) a relationship or 2) obsessiveness.

Your feelings are not petty. Loving your best friend and loosing that can be, IMO, harder than loosing a romantic relationship. Relationships are kinda expected to end at some point, friendships like that are usually based on a deeper trust.

This brings to mind the song "How to save a life" by the Fray.

Think I'll text my own BMF a reminder that I love him. One should never take those things for granted ... or try to turn them into something other than what they exist to be :)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/14/2013 4:35:11 AM
I agree with Motown. OP, your telling of this story shows all the elements of an obsessive, clingy person, especially including that you are in total denial of the fact that you are exhibiting all of those behaviors.

Go back and read your own opening post, and note how you blame other people for YOUR problems over and over. You WERE sending her texts and calling her several times a day, but when she told you to stop, it wasn't your fault that this was difficult for you, and worse, you show no realization of how insane it is to bother "just a friend" with texts and phone calls, several times a day.

Look at how the fact that she was in a relationship with someone else, was your excuse to again break your vow of no contact. Again, you blame the other people involved for the fact that you refuse even to keep promises to yourself.

You keep denying to us, to her, and to yourself, that you are obsessed with this poor woman, and then your own descriptions of your own actions prove that you absolutely are. Obvious example:


We were both at a BBQ a few weeks back and she was there with her new guy that didnt really bother me. What did is i tried to go up and make small talk and she did but it was really forced and awkward left them alone the rest of the night. I will admit i didnt deal with that situation in the best way i could have. I sent her an email a few days after explaining how i felt and why i acted the way i did and apologizing . No reply didnt expect one but had to get a few things off my chest.


See how you begin with a denial: "she was there with her new guy that didnt really bother me. "???? Then you immediately prove this is you lying to yourself and everyone else, by following with how you had to apologize for your misbehavior to her and her new guy. You hide from us what it was that you DID do, which proved that you were NOT remotely happy that she was with someone else, but since you felt the need to apologize, whatever you did was clearly problematic. And again, you make it HER responsibility to deal with YOUR emotional garbage with the statement "No reply didnt expect one but had to get a few things off my chest."

It's my opinion, based on what you said here, that you are neither in love with this woman, nor have you ever thought of her as a friend. Not at all. You have thought of her only as a emotional possession of yours. When someone is a friend, I choose behaviors that THEY are comfortable with. When I think of some THING as an object or a tool, I use it as I see fit from one moment to the next. If my car were to "feel" uncomfortable carrying me into rush hour traffic, I would still take it there. But if a friend felt uncomfortable riding into traffic with me, I would choose another quieter route.

Thus, the title of this thread is wrong. You did not "lose a friend." You drove away an acquaintance, by obsessing over them, harassing them, and stalking them. You are still obsessing over her, and still refusing to genuinely accept responsibility for your choices and actions and thoughts. You will not escape the emotional whirlpool you have wrapped around yourself, until you learn to take full responsibility for all of yourself.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 5
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/14/2013 8:34:33 AM
I think its more telling what you DIDN"T write.
If you look at this narrative in a mirror it becomes quite a bit more clear.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 7
Lost a friend
Posted: 8/14/2013 9:23:12 AM

She told me that i was making her uncomfortable based on my actions and that i was pushing for us to be together. Which isn't totally true is i did try to make an advance one night based on her actions but was denied and i left it at that.

That's not the only way to put pressure on a girl. Compliments, kino (subtle touching etc), attitude, etc show that you are digging a girl. Especially once it's known you want the girl, those "small" things are enlarged. When you go out on a date with a girl, you read whether she likes you or not... not by whether or not she throws herself at you, but many other ways of reading her.

she fell off the face of the earth for about a week. Finally i got a text explaining that i was making her uncomfortable about always pushing for us to be together which couldnt be further from the truth.

FINALLY when it's been just a week? That's a sign you've been obsessed about her.

Why cant i get over and why am i so hurt by someone i was never intimate with and never would be?

Because you always thought, in the back of your mind that you may not have been aware of, that you Might have a chance and timing was off, etc. Finally after even a blind bat could see that you're All About Her, she wanted to back away. Not be Close Friends. It doesn't take someone to be physically intimidating to not want to be Close Friends. She probably came to her senses, with the help of your obsession about her, that it's silly to be Close Friends when one is all about you and you're not all about them (or vice versa).

You've been obsessed about her. And you being rejected by her as a potential BF hurts even more as a potential Friend.... you at least don't want to lose that -- that's why it still hurts. A double-rejection. But the reason that 2nd rejection happened is because you wanted to be as close to her as possible -- which IS CREEPY -- and Pointless. Because the reason you wanted to be so close to her IS because you've been all about her... even accepting you can't have her. But again, in the back of your mind, that still has remained a who-knows possibility in the future. Hence, your obsession.

Move on. You'll waste your time trying to be pals with a girl who only likes you as a friend. It's not a "win" to be close friends with a girl who you're strongly attracted to and continue to be -- in fact, it's kind of pathetic. Sure, still be considered 'friends' with a girl if you've been friends, etc. But YOU should back away from those situations when you always think about her, etc. Wake up.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 10
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/16/2013 9:16:14 AM

What i did and im kinda kicking myself for it now I walked up after they had been there for awhile and said hi to her and introduced myself to him. Asked how her boys were and how she was and then asked if we could talk for a few and she said not here not now. I said really she said yeap and i havent been blowing you off just been busy. I said yeah right and just walked away. What can i say my emotions got the better of me. Didnt say anything to them the rest of the day/night i happened to be right next to my friend that was hosting when they were leaving. I held my head hi offered my hand to him for a handshake which he did I said sorry for earlier youve got a great girl treat her right. Leaned in to towards her and said look sorry its been a rough couple of weeks when your ready we can talk. I left it at that. Not that bad but could have been better


Right, so basically you tried to piss on her leg and mark her as your territory. You knew exactly what you were doing when you approached them, you tried to imply some sort of ownership by your endorsement of her, like he needed you to tell him that. Then you again tried to get her to do what you wanted in front of him again, nice try, you look like a jerk to a whole bunch of people not just him...
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 12
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/19/2013 5:55:32 AM
Because you think she owes you something, that is why you arent letting this go. You dont like how this went down, and so you have decided that you somehow have a right to be pissed and you arent going to let up until you get your chance to confront her about this.

I am sure there is way more to this story that you arent telling us, there always is, but it doesnt matter at the end of the day, she has always been clear that she isnt interested in you in a romantic way, but you continues to carry a torch for her, and while you may thing you were being subtle in your "joking" manner, you were probably as subtle as a 10 ton truck...

I would be willing to bet that you werent as close as you think you were and that based on your own described behaviour, she has been pulling away for quite a while since it is clear that by your "jokes" that you were still hoping for something more.

Here is a something for you to chew on, you seem to think that you were her friend and were always there for her, the reality is that you were there because you ultimately wanted some thing from her, you were being dishonest to her and you continually refused to respect her boundaries and now that she has clearly moved on, it pisses you off and now you are trying to play the injured card.

You were never her friend, you wanted more than she wanted to give you but you chose to ignore that and continued lying to her in the hopes that she would one day see you in a romantic way.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 13
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/19/2013 7:37:45 AM

Im also the type of person that if you burn me once or hurt me or my "family" in someway your dead to me and ill never speak to or do anything to help you again in fact ill normally go out of my way to make your life a living hell.


In light of her rejection of you, I wonder how this manifested itself?
 HarrySeekingSally
Joined: 3/10/2012
Msg: 14
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Posted: 8/19/2013 2:52:43 PM
Just wondering if I am reading this correctly?...up there where she said "she didn't want a relationship of any kind" was she meaning this statement towards you personally, or in general?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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Posted: 8/19/2013 4:21:43 PM

but if you all knew all the details you might have a different opinion. Im not about to share it because its personal info.


Unless that info shows that 100% of what you said was true so far, were actually lies, it wont affect the logic of the situation.

Are you saying that you were lying from the beginning now? Want to start again, this time with the truth? I will reprocess my reasoning according to whatever way you tell the story, with the one provision that if you lie, I will include that in the calculations.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 19
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/20/2013 4:32:57 AM
OP, this is about reasoning. It's like mathematics. I and others have taken exactly what you have said, and told you back in our words, what it all means. it is an intrinsic part of, and primary cause of your ...conundrum, that you are unwilling to see or admit that you see, any facts or logical conclusions which are contrary to your fantasy about being "a wonderful person, abused terribly." I put that last in quotes, not because you said it in those words, but because it is a common genericized title that people such as yourself like to label yourselves with.

Now that almost everyone has concluded the same basic things about what you said, and you don't like what we see, you want to change your facts entirely, by pretending that you are hiding the REAL facts, in order to protect the personal information of the woman you have been bashing the whole time here.

Nonsense.


I like this more assumptions and reading between the lines.


"Reading between the lines," is what YOU have done, and have demanded that WE ALL do, from the beginning of your thread. The pretense that you are hiding the critical information to draw conclusions other than what we have done, is you AGAIN demanding that everyone "read between the lines," and make assumptions.

I know full well that you will not, at least here in print, ever admit to the game you are playing, because you are obviously unable to admit it to yourself, having long ago tied your sense of self-worth, to your fantasies, rather than to reality. I am very familiar with that tragic human behavior, as it is among the most common errors made.

I can't see any point to continuing this thread conversation further, unless you change your mind, and provide these secret "facts" which you claim will make us all decide that you are the victim here. I wont bother to reply again, unless someone ELSE says something that requires it.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 21
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Lost a friend
Posted: 8/26/2013 6:25:16 PM
First off you are a loser for not getting the girl first time round. Work on your game.

Secondly, settling for friends when you wanted more, and letting all those feelings build up and ferment inside you for a whole year? Smarten up, stop being such a wimp.

Worse still, when she actually found someone else you turned vindictive and threw up all that fermented shyte in her face just to hurt her and feel better about yourself. How selfish and immature.

Looks like you better off without each other, so what are you whinging about?
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