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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 1
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have no "real" reason to not trust my boyfriend. He says he's given me no reason to doubt him.

We have been official for six weeks, after a rocky 9 months of off and on dating. He cancelled constantly, we argued-stopped seeing each other etc.

This six weeks of exclusivity has been amazing, but I'm still having remnants of trust issues from him cancelling so many times in the past. At the time, there were a million excuses. Car broke down, 22 year old son needs to get an x-ray, college study group, etc. (He's 45, 14 years older than me.)

Now it's come out, that not every excuse was true. He said because I would get offended or angry when he'd cancel, by the time it got to our make-up date, he'd be so uncomfortable to see me that he just couldn't bring himself to come. So he lied about excuses. I said he never should have made a date if he didn't feel comfortable.

Also, before we were exclusive, I was dating others. He asked to see my texts and said he'd show me his. So I looked, and he had three girls as most recent. One said, "I love you, Joe." The other said, "Goodnight." And the other said, "Should I still come by." He had valid reasons for all of them, and really-we were allowed to date others. But He said one was an old friend a 4 hour plane ride away he texts like 3x a year. The other was a classmate talking about a project that said goodnight, and the other was a neighbors wife asking if she should come pick up the car he'd worked on for them.

These still nag at me even if we weren't exclusive. Maybe his excuses were true but it seems odd to have a friend say they love you. So he's been spending almost every night with me-after work or our other hobbies. Last night he asks if I'd be upset if he left after the movie, cause his son needed him to take him to financial aid office in the morning, and he didn't feel like getting up at 6am to do it cause he was tired. I was shocked cause it wasn't even 9pm yet. He said he thought it was later and didn't mean right after the movie, didn't realize it was at the end already etc... He usually has no issue leaving at 6am to get somewhere, but I guess I can understand not always feeling like it.

So he left at 10:10, texted at 11:58 that he missed me, So apparently he was up an hour after he got home and wasn't that tired. Then I texted him at 7:30 to see if he was up to take his kid to financial aid at 8. It took him 3.5 hours to respond. So in my mind, he was up later than he said he was going to be for a tired person, and maybe he didn't even wake up to take his kid-so maybe he was lying about why he had to leave. Sure, maybe he got up to take his kid and hasn't looked at his phone for 3 hours, but that doesn't seem like him.

He thinks I'm crazy and unfounded in doubting him a bit, but he's showed he isn't afraid to lie by lying about excuses, and his age in the first place (Told me he was 38 instead of 44) so I think I do have reasons for not trusting him. Am I crazy? I realize I'm pushing him away with my doubts and he's said as much.
 GenJayne
Joined: 5/13/2013
Msg: 2
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:05:31 AM
Why don't you just get a dog leash for him and maybe put some type of tracking device up his....?
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 3
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:08:25 AM
I guess I just have to ask if this guy is worth all the drama that both of you seem to wallow in?


<div class="quote">He thinks I'm crazy and unfounded in doubting him a bit, but he's showed he isn't afraid to lie by lying about excuses, and his age in the first place (Told me he was 38 instead of 44) so I think I do have reasons for not trusting him. Am I crazy? I realize I'm pushing him away with my doubts and he's said as much.

OK, so he lied about his age, then lies because he doesnt like your drama, but still comes around and now he calls you crazy...what is so great about this guy again??/
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 4
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:12:49 AM
So I guess that means you think I have no reason to be mistrusting. That's fair, thanks for your opinion.

As for a tracking device, it's his idea to come over most of the time. All of my jealousy started Sunday when we were playing a board game and he was checking his "silent" phone every two minutes for five hours straight. I didn't say anything for a couple hours, but I felt like he wasn't even there.

He said it was his son asking questions about financial aid paperwork. I suggested he call him, or even go help him. But he said his 22 year old son refused to talk on the phone. After the five hours, he said, “I don’t get why you’re upset-I’m right here-and the five hours of checking my phone was really only five minutes of conversation.” I said, “That’s the point-our time together was monopolized, and you were distracted, for five hours-for a five minute conversation.”

He could have at least had the volume on so he’d know when he received a text instead of checking it every two minutes. Anyway, that is the first time my jealousy kicked in-I felt suspicious that his son who , “rarely even wants to talk to him,” was the one he was texting silently for an entire five hours, every two minutes.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 5
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:12:57 AM
This relationship has been a train wreck from the beginning.

Look, you don't trust the guy. He's a liar, and you're a wreck. Why? Why, why, why, do you think this is a relationship you want to be in? Don't you want to feel good? Don't you want to be happy?

You're not feeling good. You're not happy. Ask yourself why you're trying to fit this square peg into a round hole. This will never ever be what you want it to be.

And besides, wanting a night on his own isn't LYING. He probably feels that he has to tell you something, because you're not ok with him having some private time, ever. And, no, he's not required to text you back immediately every time you text him. You're smothering the guy to death. Why do you text him to see if he's up? Are you his girlfriend or his mommy?

Either this guy is cheating on you, and if he is, there's nothing you can do about it. Or he isn't, and that just means that you're acting like a lunatic with an innocent guy. I thought this guy was a flake and a waste of time from the beginning. But you had to have him, didn't you? Why did you think he would change? He's just the same he always was.

But, anyway, you don't trust him, and this relationship is doomed and has been from the beginning.
 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 6
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:19:41 AM
I've always felt that if someone is suspicious/jealous in a relationship than something is wrong with the relationship. I'm not saying he's lying or doing anything wrong, but if you constantly feel that way, then it is not healthy. I would never stay in a relationship that didn't allow me to feel secure.

Worrying about what he's doing will do nothing for you. Don't be with someone if you have to worry and wonder if they're telling you the truth.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 7
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:23:55 AM
He established himself as a liar by lying about his age on his profile, then continually lied to you. You understandably feel insecure and mistrustful. He is acting defensive. The crazy-making pattern continues.

Trust is very difficult to regain once it's broken. I would not put up with a man who lies.

Bottom line: Why are you willing to accept so much less than what you need and deserve?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 8
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:28:40 AM
OP...when trying to re build trust with someone, you have to make a choice. Either you make an effort to forgive and forget and stop pulling the past into today-only judge him on the actions of today and not the past...or admit this is not something you are capable of doing and just end things.

There is no middle groud where you can pretend to trust him to keep him coming back and then question every little thing he does. You either commit to trust him, or you dont.

Pick a side and guide yourself accordingly.
 usmaleagain
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 9
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:29:55 AM
I really don't know what to say (a first?!) I would recommend counseling... as Lili said above, your dating life is a never ending train wreck.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 10
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:34:05 AM
I'm not going to take sides in this, but I will say that I don't know why either of you has allowed this to continue as long as it apparently has. It sounds like you're not compatible, and it's not very likely that either of you is going to change.
 ironwinecoffee
Joined: 9/4/2012
Msg: 11
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:43:25 AM
Nothing in this post hints at you enjoying one another's company, having fun, making one another happy, badgering and excuse making. So basically, why bother? I do not see the point of this relationship it just sounds like a massive pain in the ass for both of you.
 I_travel_light
Joined: 7/27/2013
Msg: 12
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 11:54:36 AM
yes, how you are acting is irrational and immature. Pitching a fit because someone changes plans? I agree put a gps devicr on him. You do some work with a professional to discover why you believe it is ok to treat anyone in this controling manor. And he may not be trustworthy, there is no way for people on a forum to know. And yet it still does make your beavior healthy or normal.
 Kellticman72
Joined: 1/5/2013
Msg: 13
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 12:18:53 PM
You don't trust him. That will never change. You will always be like that. Whether he is a liar or not doesn't matter. You are the one who has decided to stay in the relationship that you are obviously not happy in. What is the reason you stay with someone who makes you feel so bad? You read into everything way to much. Either accept it or move on. Sounds like you need to try a new med. You sound like a stalker.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 14
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 12:44:05 PM
Now it's come out, that not every excuse was true. He said because I would get offended or angry when he'd cancel, by the time it got to our make-up date, he'd be so uncomfortable to see me that he just couldn't bring himself to come. So he lied about excuses.

well he's at least attempting to be honest with you now, and giving you the reasons.


I said he never should have made a date if he didn't feel comfortable.

you are an expert in fault-finding, and you spend a lot of time keeping score. instead of focusing on what he did or "should have done" (after the fact), why don't you appreciate the attempt at honesty and focus on why you kept making him so uncomfortable and fix THAT. the solution to your problems is not telling him what he "should have done" because you were pissed off anyway. your behavior is a lesson in self-fulfilling prophecy.

everything you're complaining about here is NOT the problem but a symptom of underlying issues.

He thinks I'm crazy and unfounded in doubting him a bit, but he's showed he isn't afraid to lie by lying about excuses,

you hold him hostage with your hostility and inability to trust, and he lies to control your reaction and avoid the next confrontation he's anticipating. two people having a passive-aggressive power struggle.


Told me he was 38 instead of 44) so I think I do have reasons for not trusting him.

then y'all seem made for each other, you're both really passive and controlling, both playing avoidance games. and the last six "amazing" weeks are riding on the momentum of the sexual energy and momentary good feelings, but this thing is going to implode the next time one or both of you get back into your regular habits of being obtuse with each other. shouldn't take long.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 15
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 12:52:52 PM
I think you don't trust him and you probably never will so
he will constantly be trying to prove himself to you.

Even so.
It sounds like a relationship that's a wicked lot of work and
it will wear on one of you or both of you probably sooner
rather than later.

Not sure what the upside is to a life like that.
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 16
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:04:16 PM

Ask yourself why you're trying to fit this square peg into a round hole.

That’s exactly the phrase I used to him last night 


Nothing in this post hints at you enjoying one another's company, having fun, making one another happy

I just didn’t want to make it any longer of a post. We definitely enjoy each other’s company-the chemistry, love, passion and friendship is amazing. Even our “arguments” are very open, deep, sharing, and respectful. has a question asking whether you think passion or dedication is more important. Everyone says passion, I say dedication. This relationship-has both in severe abundance. Sometimes, yes, I think the dedication may be unfounded and we just keep trying to ignore the VERY FEW incompatibilities that are just too large to ignore.


Sounds like you need to try a new med. You sound like a stalker.

I can see why it looks that way. I am not used to feeling like this, Really he is much more stalkerish. For 8 months if I didn’t text him right away he’ll say, “hmmmm”, “I see”, “Ignoring me?”, “Hot date?” or other naggy things. He says they’re jokes but I really doubt it. The other night I went to bed and didn’t text him back and he drove 40 minutes to call through my window to be sure I was ok. I thought it was sweet, and have told him before he could just stop by anytime.
 Indira46
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 17
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:06:18 PM
^^^ That's not sweet...that's bizarre.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 18
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:07:26 PM
You guys are both nuts.

This is the stuff that TV Dramas are made of.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
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Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:11:00 PM

Even our “arguments” are very open, deep, sharing, and respectful


Then your arguments must be the only occasions where any of these tendencies pop up.
Your relationship sound positively awful in every way.
 Visionaryone
Joined: 5/16/2013
Msg: 20
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:11:37 PM
Just a piece of wisdom for you that I received a long time ago: it's the little foxes that destroy a relationship. You should not make light of the little annoyances/inconsistencies in the relationship because they can blow up and wreak havoc on the relationship as they appear to be doing now.
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 21
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:12:46 PM
Why the hell were you dating him and "others" for 6 months? What was that about? Did you date others because he cancelled all the time?

Absolutely because he was unreliable. Sometimes I’d only see him 2-4 times a MONTH. He was constantly hours late for dates, cancelling all the time (more cancellations than dates) and I’d stop seeing him.

A month down the line he’d pop up again, but the same thing would happen. He was upset about me dating others, but I wouldn’t put all my eggs in his basket when he couldn’t even make the dates he set, call when he said he would, do what he said he would etc. Even important dates didn’t matter. And little to no notice on cancellations-sometimes it went from, "I'll be an hour late" to calling to say he couldn't make it after two hours. He blames it on an ADHD med he was taking making him MORE ADHD than he was and wreaking havoc on his whole life, but says it took him 6 months to notice.

We went exclusive for two months, of rarely seeing each other. Then he said he was busy with finals and would see me in 17 days…so I told him I would step back and let him deal with his stressful school schedule, frantically working on cars to pay bills, etc. I told him I’d still date him if he wanted, but not exclusively. It was my idea, but pretty mutual.
 NtvNtv
Joined: 5/15/2013
Msg: 22
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:32:27 PM
There is no trust...there is no room for growth.
You can't fix this...he can't fix it. Counselling can help tho.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 23
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:40:30 PM
Op, you said in a previous post that this relationship has passion and dedication and that even your arguments are respectful.

How can his actions of constantly cancelling be considered dedicated or respectful? And certainly if he was passionate about you, he would not have been cancelling all of the time. You are basing these descriptive words on what exactly...how he makes you feel when you two are together?

Actions speak way louder than words.

Your actions are clear, you dont trust him. His actions are clear...he dont give a crap. Sounds like a wonderful relationship.

Sounds like two people who are tying to make it work because you both give one another tingles in the genitals...but the organ that is not engaged at all, is the brain.
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 24
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:46:29 PM

How can his actions of constantly cancelling be considered dedicated or respectful? And certainly if he was passionate about you, he would not have been cancelling all of the time


You're right, he says that was the past. When he 'came back' this last time, he said he realized it was his ADD meds making him unreliable and unable to organize his own life. He admitted that the discomfort he felt when I called him out on being late made him less likely to keep the plans. Since then he's been completely reliable. But 6 weeks of awesome compared to 8 months of flaky is my issue. He asks me to overlook the past, and I try, but those past feelings left a mark I apparently have brought into the present.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 25
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:54:41 PM
Probably a typical example of why a lot of women will not find some one . They keep selecting the same type of guys that are the reason they are single in the first place . Actually amusing . They keep selecting the same type of man expecting a different outcome (not happening) .
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