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Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 3
Children from previous relationshipPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Do your future husband a favor and go on your way now. He deserves better!

Posts like this are proof of why it is so hard to find a mate that is actually lifetime commitment worthy.

If the mother of this child is abandoning it then the father should document the times the mother pawns the child off on others.
Go to the court and file abandonment. That is how I got custody of my daughter.
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 11:28:06 AM
It sounds as if nobody in this scenario has any boundaries.

Why is your future husband paying child support, if his ex only has the child for a few nights out of the month? Child support is paid to the custodial parent by the non-custodial parent to help cover the costs for the child's needs. If the child is predominantly staying with your future husband, his ex should be paying HIM child support.

Why isn't there scheduled visitation? Why, if his ex is getting child support, isn't it understood that she is the custodial parent and that the father will have the child during scheduled visitation?

Why, if the mother is incapable of caring for the child, doesn't the father have physical custody and the mother pays HIM child support?

How long have you known this man? I would think long and hard about marrying into such a messy situation.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 11:50:08 AM
Why would you plan to marry a guy who doesn't have his house in order? The kid is being bounced around like a ping pong ball and it seems like everybody involved is trying to find a place to dump him when it's no longer convenient for them. The kids is going to be a mess and trouble down the line and your future husband is going to have all sorts of problems with that, and at some point the kid might end up living at your place-temporarily or permanently. Are you prepared for the fallout? And I agree about the part about why is he paying child support if the mother only wants to be a part time mother. It's crap like this is the reason why I won't get involved with a single parent.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 8
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 12:05:52 PM

Children from previous relationship

I'll ask, cause I'm allowed to. Why did you title this post as you did???? Where are the "children" in this scenario of which you describe.

As far as I can read/see, it ain't the "child" that seems to be the "problem". It's the so-called "adults" involved, which also includes you OP. Time to figure out how to handle this situation like adults maybe??????
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 9
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 12:09:45 PM

The fact that you refer to the child as "the kid" and haven't even identified his/her gender...

Post 1: "However, his ex has started bringing her son over again."
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 11
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 12:15:26 PM
I have one, and only one, suggestion...DON'T GET MARRIED, run as fast as you can in the other direction, and don't look back. If this situation is this bad now what makes you think it's going to get better? I will not criticize you for your attitudes because you're entitled to your feelings, but be honest with yourself and everyone else...don't put yourself into a marriage that will never work...ever.
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 14
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 12:56:21 PM
You better deal with it NOW. Figure out what the kids dad wants to do about it and tell him what would make you happy. If you can't work it out and then get the kids mom in line. Move out of there as soon as you can. Unless you would take care of it before it gets worse. It will get worse and you would be in the middle of it. Except now it would be much harder to deal with it.
One of the reasons I will not date single parents no matter how perfect we would be together otherwise.
Do what is right for you 1year 5 years and 10 years from now.....
Many single parents on here would say you are the bad one. Don't let that get to you, Its not your fault the kids parents can't figure out how to take care of there own kid. But you need to figure out if you want to be in the middle of it and no matter how it works out you would be the bad one, Cause you would demand them to make a choice.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 15
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Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 1:04:20 PM
Wow, she brings 'her kid' over to be with his father and you don't like it. By the way, how do you think other parents take care of their children when they have a broken leg and no one to do things for them? Under no circumstances should you be around this child or be watching him, he deserves much better than a bitter daddy's girlfriend. Don't marry this man, he has a child you can't stand, that's abusive to the child. Do not inflict all your jealousy and insecurity on this innocent child.
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 16
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 1:10:48 PM
I've never understood men that use the term "watching" or even "babysitting" when it comes to their own children, and it really confuses me when I hear a woman make those types of comments.

I don't know who the heck you think you are or what puts this man above this poor child's mother but he is just as responsible for the child as she is, and that's not going to change if you get married and for the child's sake, I hope that never happens. It seems as though you view this child more like a smelly pet or bad art then as the precious shape able child that he is.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 18
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 1:42:43 PM

She's asking for help in drawing some fair boundaries for herself, but some people here, as usual, would rather pile on with their self righteous finger pointing

Actually, the OP has done some pretty good "finger pointing" in her original post. All I am hearing right now is how "much work" the OP is doing and all the "bad" things the other parties involved are doing. Which, by the way, all have to call BS on.

Always three sides of the story, and it looks like I have only read one side.
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 20
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 1:53:01 PM
She's asking for help in drawing some fair boundaries for herself, but some people here, as usual, would rather pile on with their self righteous finger pointing. It's not a crime to call a child a "kid", as an example, considering it's a commonly used term in our society.

Considering she will be that child's parent if she marries the father, one would think by the time she is engaged and making wedding plans she would have established more of a relationship with the child then using him as a step stool to get higher on her cross.

I didn't call the OP a saint. However, I don't have a problem recognizing that doing all of the shopping, cooking, and washing for two other people is work.

Only for a martyr.

I also don't have a problem pointing out the very real tendency of quite a few here to jump all over topic creators with a bunch of unsupported accusations.

Those who chose to see whats written will call it like it's posted, those who don't won't and will generally take offense..

Again, never a shortage of cross's to bare or jump up on.
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 21
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 2:05:09 PM
I have a feeling the guy put a 'ring on it' just to make sure the 'caretaker' (the OP) stayed around a bit longer to clean house. OP, I'm sorry it took until the guy broke his leg to make you realize how much of pushover YOU'VE been, but I strongly believe this B.S. with the Ex has been around for a lot longer than just the last few weeks, and you've been aware of it.

Firstly; The Ex and the Dad are NOT mature adults - they're both kids. The Ex is a spoiled adult teenager, and I wouldn't doubt if her 'medical procedure' was for implants or some sort of beauty treatment. Grandpa is quickly becoming a senile, forgetful 4 year old in a Man's body. (yeah it's an over-exaggeration, but it might not be in a few years).

Your boyfriend may not be much better - I know a lot of people with leg casts that can still DO a lot around the house even when on wheels or crutches. I suspect you're not LETTING him do much because of your treasured 'caretaker' status.

You're a babysitter for at LEAST three people; four if you include your hobbled sweetie. You either grow a backbone and demand these people change their own diapers, or get the heck out. It's pretty much that simple. Being an Enabler doesn't go away until YOU do.

I don't want to paint such a harsh picture, because it might not be that bad right now, but I suspect there's some truth to that scenario - if it isn't yet, give it time - eventually you'll see that your skills are being USED, not Welcomed.
Joined: 4/28/2013
Msg: 22
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 2:05:53 PM

...but I refuse to be a free nanny for someone, because they enjoy all the money and can’t be bothered to look after their own children.

You clearly stated this is your fiance's child.....seems to me, he is just as responsible as her for "looking after their own child".

I feel sorry for the 5 year old child. I'm sure he knows he's not wanted around you....hard not to put off that vibe when you have so clearly made it known in your post.

The other thing that has me confused is you complaining about watching the child but at the same time asking for suggestions on how to have custody removed from the mother which would make YOU a full time parent with HIS child. S0 what is it exactly that you have a problem with..... the child, the mother, having to share your fiance's attention with the child, or the money he sends to the child's mother for support that you feel should be spent on you?????

Regardless of your situation and what becomes of it, my heart breaks for that poor innocent child you look at as a nuisance.
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 25
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Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 4:24:16 PM
Why is the future mother in law not helping with the grandfather? (Her father?) Her grandchild?
You do come off bitter and unfeeling towards your boyfriends son but I understand this. You're taking care of 2 adult men and are being asked to look after a 5 year old on top of this. This is your boyfriends job. I agree with previous posters who said a broken leg doesn't stop you from parenting.
I would continue to help to a degree but I would start setting some boundaries. You're his fiancee', not his nor his granddads maid.
Try to stop resenting his son, non of this is his fault. Don't concern yourself with his ex's behaviour either, his business to take care of.
I would seriously consider delaying the wedding until your fiancee' proves he can take care of his responsibilities.
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 26
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 5:45:49 PM
The only person who deserves sympathy is the kid. He is being exposed to unhealthy relationships .
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 28
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Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 6:55:36 PM
Run....Run far, run fast...but run. I really think this situation can only get worse. Now is the time to get out. I understand your frustration etc...did I mention RUN?

The situation with the child is something your fiancé should discuss with the mother. No matter how much you are doing, the two of them are the ones who should be discussing the problem. Have you discussed your feelings with him? If not, you should. You can't expect things to change if you don't tell him how you feel. If you have discussed it with him what was his reaction? If he doesn't agree with you about the mother/child or if he refuses to discuss it with the child's mother, THEN you have a problem and the problem is him. I don't know about the UK, but at this particular moment, you don't have any right to make an application to remove the mother as primary caregiver. I'm not sure you would even have that right after you get married.

HE is the one who should speak to his mother about making arrangements without discussing it with him first. Yes, all of this is putting a great deal on your plate and I don't blame you for being aggravated. All of this drama is about his family-he is the one who needs to resolve it. Again, if you have not talked to him about it, he has no idea how you feel.

How long is this situation expected to go on? How long before he is able to take back these responsibilities? Are you aggravated because right now so much is falling on you? Once your fiancé is able to get about and take care of things are you still going to be aggravated about the situation with the child? If it's just the current will pass. If the situation regarding the child is going to continue to bother you after your fiancé is back to himself, then you've got a problem. Frankly, considering how you feel right now and the circumstances, I would give serious thought to postponing the wedding. The situation with the child needs to be resolved before you get married.

By the case you didn't get the isn't fair. You and your guy could be in a car wreck on your way home from the wedding and he could be paralyzed, needing your compassion and help the rest of his life...Life isn't fair. The good guys don't always win.
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 31
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 7:15:23 PM
Welcome to LIFE!
This is happily ever after....or not.

1st - Why would you desire to have the mother's rights taken away? Is this not counter productive to the basis for your
complaints? From your post I don't think you want the child 100% of the time, do you?
So drop that idea, thought, notion. It's vengeful, is all that is.

2nd - Sounds to me like you resent this kid. He's not going away for the next.......15-20 years. And, the best (worst) years are yet to come. This should be "cake" right now at his age.

3rd - How should you deal with this? Well the broken leg will heal. The grandad, sadly, won't live forever and the kid will grow up. But for now, why don't you approach the future mother-in-law with some ideas on how the 2 of you could work out a schedule of care giving for the grandad and your fiance? Let her know you're overwhelmed.

And if I were you, I wouldn't say one word about your thoughts regarding the mother of the child. It's catty, bit**y and small. You'll only be adding another problem to the family with your attitude. So stop.
Be better than that. Have them be so happy that you're joining the family. Not dreading it. Right?

Good luck to you
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 37
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/23/2013 8:25:02 PM
Strange how hubby to be is silent on the subject & oblivious to the stress it's put on you. That's where I'd start. I'd point out helping him & his GP in his time of need is a given but sitting for a 5 year old too over the top stressful. This is something he should have addressed with his ex by now anyway considering his lack of mobility. But I suspect your issues are deeper though & it sounds like everyone else involved suspects it too. Your gripe seems more to do about his ex dumping her kid on others to watch more than anything else.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 40
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Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/24/2013 1:04:10 PM
It wasn't just the term kid, it was the term her kid that shows some of your inner feelings that you don't want to be seen or you don't want to see yourself. You can't do anything about the ex, if she is indeed a lousy mother, but you can make the child's life with his father a good one. You whole OP had nothing to do with your caring about this child, it had to do with your problems dealing with and dealing with your feelings about, his ex. Don't try to con a con, comes to mind here. This is about this innocent child who is apparently not being treated well by anyone and he has no control over any of it. What's going to happen to this child and who is going to be adult enough to step up and do what's right for the child, not for themselves?
Joined: 7/2/2013
Msg: 41
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/24/2013 2:45:51 PM
Listen up. YOU DON'T GET AN OPINION. Unless you are willing to step up and be a step mother and friend to your fiance's CHILD ( not 'the kid") you don't get an opinion. If you do not go to his football games, help him with his homework, surprise him with his favorite cookies, hug him and read him a story at night before he goes to bed, If you do not comfort him when he's sad or scared, or kiss his boo boos...BUTT OUT!
How dare you even consider removing parental rights from this mother. She has a right to EXPECT the father to be fully involved and not just as a "baby sitter", even if she just an adequate mother. You need to know your place and keep it...develop some boundaries. Your fiance is a DAD and is a package deal. You are marrying into a FAMILY. Show some respect. If what they are doing is right for them, who are you to snivel about the inconvenience of an innocent child. Children are inconvenient by nature of their dependence on the adults in their life. As parents we sacrifice time, sleep, money...from the bottom of our hearts! It's the nature parenthood.

I was living with a man for almost a year before he let it slip that he had 2 sons by 2 moms whom he'd only ever once each when they were babies. And another son by another mom whom he hadn't laid eyes on in 2 years. He was trying to avoid paying child support. I instantly lost all respect that deadbeat and never looked at him the same again ( I couldn't wait to extricate him from my life...we had far too different core values) I asked him," WHO the F@#$ are you? What kind of MAN are you? If I had known that I'd have NEVER gotten involved with you." I sent the mother of the 3rd son copies of his pay stubs going back many years ( yes I went and found them in his paper work)...he OWED that child that money!!! Men who do not take care of their own offspring are cowards.

By the way...where the mother gets her money is none of your business. If she was a millionaire...your fiance still owes his share. Where she goes and who she lives with...all nunya.
You want all the rights and benefits of your relationship but none of the responsibility and obligations. That's called a sense of entitlement.

Aging grandparents, broken legs, child minding, and many other things are all just part of having a family. When things get tough you pull together and get through. Sometimes you have to do more than your "fair" share. Sometimes you are the one who needs more than your fair share. I think you are too selfish to join this family.
Joined: 4/28/2013
Msg: 44
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/24/2013 7:48:00 PM
YOUR choice not to charge your fiance for the money you spent on HIS child!! The mother is not required to provide financially for the child when he is in his father's care regardless of whether he is providing support or not. It is still his responsibility to provide when he has the child with him. The father is not an invalid, he has a broken leg and therefore more than capable of taking care of his own child. YOU enable him to not have to!! All of this mess is YOUR doing, not his ex wife's doing. You made choices and aren't happy that you don't get a say so in what happens because of those choices. It is YOUR opinion that she doesn't spend quality time with her child but unless you are with her when she has her child 24/7 it is only an opinion and far from FACT.

Come down off your cross, someone else needs the wood to build a bridge.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 46
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Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/24/2013 11:49:36 PM
I call my children kids too, but not The Kid as in the kid is here again and I don't want to watch him, or Her Kid as in that horrid ex who makes me mad as hell and I don't want to take care of her kid, or feed him or pay for his food, etc. Face it, OP doesn't like this child or his mother and is hell bent on getting both of them out of her life so the boyfriend is all hers. She's even willing to get the father to take the child away from his mother but she doesn't even want him around. This is a kid who needs better, there's no excuse for OPs comments about this child.
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 47
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/25/2013 12:01:32 AM
OP, I don't blame you. You're not a nanny. However, if you love this man, you'll stand by him and do what you have to. I give you an E for effort, but I don't see your marriage working if his offspring is an obstacle.
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 48
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/25/2013 4:04:37 AM

I wouldn't be surprised if after the cast comes off the OP gets dumped...if she sticks around THAT long...

For the sake of the child and all of the future drama, I hope he kicks her to the curb even sooner then that.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 50
Children from previous relationship
Posted: 8/25/2013 9:14:03 AM
It would be safe to assume that all of this family drama and passing the kid around to whoever is willing take him has been going on from day one when the OP entered onto the picture. Which begs the question: What was so appealing about the guy to get involved in this and why would you want to marry into this mess?
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