Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Seemingly good first dates, no second dates      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 PrinceCharmingsApprentice
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 1
Seemingly good first dates, no second datesPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Hi all,

I've fallen into what has become a troubling pattern in my PoF experience. It goes like this:

- Message girl and chat back and forth anywhere between 5 and 15 messages
- I suggest we should meet, she says yes
- I find out when she's free, schedule a time/place, usually something light like coffee, couple drinks, a walk, etc. Nothing long and nothing fancy.
- We meet up and seemingly have a good time for about an hour or two. Well, I do anyways, but her body language often reflects that she is also having a good time.
- Say our goodbyes with a hug, sometimes a kiss if I think her body language is inviting to it, almost always she says she had fun/enjoyed it/talk to me later, etc.
- I text/call back a day or two later and she responds something like:

"I had a lot of fun, but I just didn't feel a connection/there was no spark, good luck with your search".

At best I get a bit of further discussion before that but ultimately before a second date happens, or often is even asked for, I hit that wall. Or sometimes there just is never any response in the first place and I give up after a couple of messages so not to be a crazy stalker.

So...this is where I'm stuck. This has happened roughly a dozen or so times in a row! I can't figure out what is missing. It's something they never can describe or put into words for me (or so they say). I don't even understand how a girl can expect to have a connection after just knowing someone for an hour or two anyways. Is that even possible/feasible besides the rarest of occasions? I can't even think of any friend that I have, that I knew would be a good friend from the first time I met them. It took time and multiple times hanging out to develop that relationship. If I refused to see a person a second time after meeting them I would have no friends! Shouldn't it be the same way here?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 4:39:12 PM
Sounds like normal stuff...out of many that you meet, either you or they won't be interested in going further. Speaking of which were there any women you didn't have interest in, or are you strictly focusing on their interest in you?

You could see a first date as a meeting to determine interest, and then mention a second meeting (or a first date) toward the end of it. This gives you a better perspective on the process, and a quicker response if there's no future interest. Don't be afraid of the no - if a woman likes you, it won't be too soon to ask.

Beyond that we don't know what you're saying or how you're responding to the person when actually there. That might be useful in determining whether you are killing initial interest once you're face to face.
 PrinceCharmingsApprentice
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 3
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 4:40:54 PM
I should add that I have a very laid-back, easy going, rather un-emotional personality. I sometimes wonder if that could be the problem too, but if I act differently, isn't she just going to see through that anyways?
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 4
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 4:57:23 PM
Well OP......I got the same thing when I was trying to date.

I more often than not got the "I had a lot of fun, but I just didn't feel a connection/there was no spark, good luck with your search" line along with......"I think you are a talented, professional, intelligent, loyal - put any nice adjective here - but don't see any connection but we can be friends and we can go to dinner, movies, take day trips, go to museums, etc and I'll contact you next week....."

.....but funny how "next week" would come and go and I would not hear from these guys until it was several months up to a year and a half down the road with them calling me because they were bored, lonely, or just wanted to get laid. - needless to say, I had loonnnng pitched their contact info and didn't answer the correspondence. Hey....they couldn't give me a mere chance then, I can't give them one now.

These days it seems that if people don't get the "instant connection" in the first 5 seconds they are gone and don't really give anyone a chance - Which I find very sad because in having that attitude denies anyone a good friendship and possible relationship down the road.

But unfortunately, it is what it is out here.
 barnabyjames1
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 5
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 5:22:13 PM

I more often than not got the "I had a lot of fun, but I just didn't feel a connection/there was no spark, good luck with your search" line along with......"I think you are a talented, professional, intelligent, loyal - put any nice adjective here - but don't see any connection but we can be friends and we can go to dinner, movies, take day trips, go to museums, etc and I'll contact you next week....."



LOL, that's how it is for both sexes sadly, you're spot on.


.but funny how "next week" would come and go and I would not hear from these guys until it was several months up to a year and a half down the road with them calling me because they were bored, lonely, or just wanted to get laid. - needless to say, I had loonnnng pitched their contact info and didn't answer the correspondence. Hey....they couldn't give me a mere chance then, I can't give them one now.


LOL, exactly! These are the same folks(men and women) who have: "if you want to know more, just ask", then you send them a message, and it's...crickets chirp. It's almost comical.



These days it seems that if people don't get the "instant connection" in the first 5 seconds they are gone and don't really give anyone a chance - Which I find very sad because in having that attitude denies anyone a good friendship and possible relationship down the road.


True that. Im right there with you on this. This should be a candidate for POTY.

But unfortunately, it is what it is out here.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 6
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 6:28:46 PM
Common problem, OP. I've been on a million first dates. 3/4ths of them asked me for a second date and then promptly disappeared. I've only had 2 dates with one guy I met on line then he disappeared.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 6:39:26 PM

These days it seems that if people don't get the "instant connection" in the first 5 seconds they are gone and don't really give anyone a chance - Which I find very sad because in having that attitude denies anyone a good friendship and possible relationship down the road.

This is likely attraction, which will either be there or not in a short amount of time during a face to face meeting. If she's attracted to you, you can either add to or kill that attraction with whether or not you click which might take longer - but if she's not interested in less than 5 minutes, that's generally physical attraction which is pretty important as a part of the package. Lack of attraction won't change by spending more time with someone. A semi attraction might grow, but no attraction at all is what it is.
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 8
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 7:00:45 PM

This has happened roughly a dozen or so times in a row! I can't figure out what is missing.

Obviously you are blowing the coffee date.

- saying goodbyes with a kiss. No. Never on the coffee date. You are rushing things.
- call / text a day later. Wrong. Text as soon as you take the key out of the ignition at home (not while driving). Thanking her should be top priority on your list.
- one hour max on a coffee date.

Common ways guys blow it on the coffee date:
- Do you look like your pictures? If your pictures are over a year old, it's time to update.
- Dress appropriately. If you are wearing ripped / dirty jeans and your T-shirt says, "Here's the Beef" with an arrow pointed down, you aren't taking the date seriously.
- Is your car washed and vacuumed? If you open your door and McDonalds wrappers tumble out, the woman will think you're a slob. They notice these things.
- Are you letting her talk? Some guys monopolize the conversation when they get nervous. Let her talk about her interests.
- Eye contact. Women will wear shirts that show cleavage. It's a test. If you stare, you fail.
- Subjects. Do you talk about ex-gfs? Bad. Do you talk about politics? Worse. Do you imply that you aren't interested in a relationship, but just want to have "fun"? Next.
- Do you talk about sex at all? If so, do me a favor. Since I can't reach through the computer screen, slap yourself for me. Again. Harder.
- Are you easy to talk to? Some guys copy a smooth profile off of a playa site, then can't deliver the same level of confidence in person. If the date is a pile of awkward for her, practice talking to people at bars.

If you don't do any of these things, you are sending a red flag somehow. Time for drastic measures. Have a friend sit at a table next to you and read a book when you go on a coffee date so he can listen in. After the date, call him and ask for feedback. If he's a good friend, he'll tell you. If he's not so good a friend, he'll try to steal her when you're in the john.

Best of luck.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 9
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 7:49:22 PM

This is likely attraction, which will either be there or not in a short amount of time during a face to face meeting.


Sometimes it probably is lack of physical attraction. However plenty of women on the forums and elsewhere have said things like "He seemed like a good match on paper. He was fairly attractive, he was nice, we had a cordial conversation etc". Yet they didn't want a second date there wasn't instant fireworks / sparks / chemistry etc. To be fair, I'm sure some men do the same thing.
 PrinceCharmingsApprentice
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 10
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 8:25:01 PM

Believe them when they say there is no chemistry. Hopefully you are not buying meals for these first meets. Make it short just for a coffee the first time. If they accept meals and have no intention of seeing you again, they are "meal whores" and some make a career of it.


No worries. :) I don't think I've spent over $10 on any of these meetups. A lot of times, the girl even offers to buy my drink. To which I politely decline, but if she insists, then I'll accept it.

CallMeKen - your post was funny. I think I'm Ok on most of those items, but I do wonder about the first contact after. I figure texting that same night looks desperate so I've always waited until the day after. Maybe that's part of the problem, at least sometimes? Curious what others might think about that.

Thank you all for your responses so far. I find it interesting that this is happening to women also. I guess some of us guys can be confusing to figure out too. :)
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 11
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 9:31:59 PM
CallmeKen, VERY WELL said. Yes it was funny but also soooooo true! ...................OP, From your profile headline. Perhaps these first dates, don't want to give you the opportunity to spank them, now or later.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 12
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/25/2013 11:13:03 PM
CallMeKen made some good..and funny..points.

OP, here's the deal.

People want to be nice on that first date. They are pleasant, act like they are having a good time, chit chat, laugh, lean in for the kiss, etc.

But inside their heads, they have already made up their minds, yes or no.

But again, we all want to be polite. We know we have about one hour we've decided we are going to spend with this new person, so we all make the best of it. This is how we all get along. It's about being a good sport, being mature.

But like I said..what is going on on the inside..you just dont know until you get that final confirmation..the "thanks but no thanks" that comes later..if at all. You may have done nothing "wrong"..it's just that online dating in particular has made it seem like there's just one date after another, and I think for some people it becomes addicting, to run home and see if someone "better" has messaged.

Or not. Could be there simply WAS no chemistry, but that doesn't mean they did not have a nice time anyway. And good for them, for letting you know relatively quickly how they feel. At least they created some closure for the situation.

And about this happening to women..very much so. I've had it happen over and over. Seemed like a nice fun date, then either I hear nothing back, or just a polite "it was nice to meet you" (also means they are not interested) or the "I felt no spark but we should hang out and do stuff"..I've heard it all!

Anyway, it happens to us all..the baffling "I thought it was going great" thing, then nada. Don't waste too much time trying to figure it out. It's alllllll part of the routine.

BTW you are cute and really cute with the glasses. Haha! My only recommendation for your profile would be to remove two very cliche statements almost everyone makes..the thing about not taking things too seriously, and that you love to make people laugh. 95% of the profiles online contain these phrases. As a woman, I love looking for and reading hoenst, sincere and original profiles..how it's written DOES make a difference!

Also dont give up on real life dating..I've had better luck that way.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 12:58:12 AM

I should add that I have a very laid-back, easy going, rather un-emotional personality


I think this may be working against you. They may think you're robotic, monotone, boring, or unexciting.
 FloridaRes123
Joined: 5/11/2013
Msg: 14
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 2:42:20 AM
Yeah, it happens...I mean, it's pretty easy if the date is awkward, too many silences, or it seems you are attempting to make conversation or it's mutual that you both don't get along.

But the kicker is that you go out, flirt, have a good time, get along great, feel a real connection, she gets your jokes, laughs, the whole 9-yards, even a kiss good night and when you go home you're thinkin', "Wow, I had a fun time! I'd really like to see this woman again!"

Sometimes you're even cutting up having a good time on the phone and the emails back and forth prior to seeing them.

Also, you think the feeling is mutual, and you get the "Sorry, no spark, good luck in your search" and the whole "Spark" thing starts to feel like a cop-out and that the other person may be just serial dating.

I mean, I think the person should give the person a few more chances or a 2nd opportunity to get to know them and not have expectations the very first time around.


<div class='quote'>un-emotional personality

Hm...I'm thinking that may have something to do with it, because that's the reason I didn't want to date some woman a 2nd time around.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 5:12:43 AM

I should add that I have a very laid-back, easy going, rather un-emotional personality. I sometimes wonder if that could be the problem too, but if I act differently, isn't she just going to see through that anyways?

I have the same personality. I don't care if that puts someone off. I'm not going to fake a different personality to get someone to like me. I'll be emotional about someone or something when I'm around it long enough for it to make sense to.
Sometimes it probably is lack of physical attraction. However plenty of women on the forums and elsewhere have said things like "He seemed like a good match on paper. He was fairly attractive, he was nice, we had a cordial conversation etc". Yet they didn't want a second date there wasn't instant fireworks / sparks / chemistry etc. To be fair, I'm sure some men do the same thing.

When I've said and thought this, it was due to lack of attraction. I think women mean attraction but say spark, chemistry, etc...I've met men I should have clicked with (in a dating sense) but just didn't. Hanging out with him more won't change that.

I've had great meetings with guys I got along with, laughed at their jokes and vice versa and even saw them as generally attractive...but at the end of the day, my specific attraction to him just wasn't there. That's a shame - but going out with him one or two more times when I know I'm not interested is just wasting both our time.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 16
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 6:31:58 AM
"fairly attractive" is damning with faint praise. These guys can be found anywhere and what is wanted is a hot interesting connection with dating. There is nothing wrong with wanting chemistry and women are more fussy about that and can be. Men will go along if she is amenable and reasonably attractive and hope to get a leg over, sooner or later.


I think chemistry is important in a LTR. The difference is I don't expect instant chemistry on the first date / meeting. Many times, there isn't instant chemistry on a first date / meeting because 2 people are still virtual strangers at that point. Or at least one person is a little bit shy, nervous, and guarded at first.

Some couples that are currently married or in relationships have told me that there wasn't a spark on their first date. But they went out on a second date and a spark developed when they got to know each other better. And/or when at least one of them became more comfortable and relaxed. I don't think that will always happen. But it is possible.


When I've said and thought this, it was due to lack of attraction. I think women mean attraction but say spark, chemistry, etc...
.

People can have various definitions of chemistry. I think there is more to chemistry than just physical attraction. Chemistry can also include personality, compatibility, intelligence etc.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 17
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 8:06:54 AM
So...this is where I'm stuck. This has happened roughly a dozen or so times in a row!

you're doing great, especially when you think about how many guys here would be thrilled to have a dozen women just answer their emails.


I don't even understand how a girl can expect to have a connection after just knowing someone for an hour or two anyways.

the same way that we understand you're not attracted to so many of us right away, just by seeing our pictures on a dating site. you didn't even have to meet us. we can't help it if it takes us a little longer to be really sure about you.


If I refused to see a person a second time after meeting them I would have no friends! Shouldn't it be the same way here?

people generally don't come to dating sites looking for friends. they come looking for sexual attraction, otherwise all those first dates you had that never went anywhere would have put you in the friend zone, and then you could write about that.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 8:11:39 AM
What you're experiencing is normal.

I went on sixty or seventy first dates. Out of those, maybe 10% resulted in a second date, so, that's 54-63 dates where there was not mutual interest to see each other again.

You just have to keep on trucking.

I am, however, with the people who are saying that you should't wait to ask her out again. With my best dates, I was asked out again either during the first meet itself, or immediately after. And by asked out, I don't mean a vague suggestion to "hang out" again at some undefined future time. Ask her for a definite date at a specific time. If she says no and doesn't suggest and alternative, you have your answer and can move on. But this wishy washy hanging out, maybe, some time . . . . Most women think that's a turn-off.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 8:16:10 AM

People can have various definitions of chemistry. I think there is more to chemistry than just physical attraction. Chemistry can also include personality, compatibility, intelligence etc.

Obviously when used correctly the word "chemistry" means all of this, yes. However when someone meets a person and says there was no chemistry (or spark, etc) within the first 5 minutes, they must be using one word to mean something else. That was my point. It's likely a reference to physical attraction.

In the first couple minutes, one or both are attracted or not. Saying it takes 5 minutes is being generous. You either feel it or you don't.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 20
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 9:29:29 AM
OP, if it were easy to meet people and feel compelled to want to know more, see them more...none of us would even need online dating sites.

It is going to take time for 2 people to meet where BOTH want more...

Just keep going, dont try to act like anyone else...eventually a woman will like what she see's and want more...and hopefully you will like what you see as well and want more. It is not as common as it used to be when we were young.
 ImpassionedAdventure
Joined: 9/22/2012
Msg: 21
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 10:39:00 AM
OP, welcome to online dating. My experience doing this now for a year is the majority of women and men seem to have the "Grass is Greener on the other Side Mentality."

One of the big problems with online dating is the missed Pre-Interview, (as I like to call it). The majority of people, go through the motions texting each other and then decide on meeting. That so called "meet & Greet" is more like an interview, and frankly some people just don't do well in an interview situation.

Also these first meet and greets tend to be at either a coffee house or bar. It's cliche and repetitive.

My suggestion, (what has always worked for me in establishing a relationship)

1. Stop texting. It's the lowest form of human communication out there. Regardless of what society is currently accepting, stop doing it.

2. If you have a mutual interest after the first two to five texts then pass on your phone number. If you have a smart phone get a Google Voice number, one that you can pass on for dating purposes. Get the pre-interview done over the phone prior to going out. Have a couple of 15-30 minute conversations with her. If your intuitive your going to know if this person is worth meeting in person. Also it makes the first date incredibly comfortable because you already have some insight into this person as they do with you. It's almost like a second date.

(My ex and I spoke on the phone for almost three months prior to ever going out. I know that sounds crazy but we were both traveling for work, she got really sick and was laid up for a month, and those were the days when there was no email, texting or smart phones. Our first date was so comfortable that she actually came to my house in the late afternoon, changed (my house was closer to the what she had been doing earlier in the day) and got dolled up and then we went out. One of the most memorable first dates I had ever had)

3. Do something other then the bar/coffee scene. Get on the internet and find things that are of interest in your area. Art Gallery openings, Farmers markets, Poet Corner, Day hikes, etc.... Keep it simple but fun. Pack a lunch with Cheeses, bread and wine.

You follow these simple rules and your going to have a lot more second dates.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 4:19:07 PM
Be happy that you are getting "dates". I'm serious here. There are a lot of people that can't find another just to go out for a coffee for. You are meeting people, which IS the point of dating. Sooner or later, you MAY find one that would like to go out with ya for a second one. Or not. Again, enjoy those first dates for what they are. An initial meeting.
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 23
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 7:33:51 PM
In the first couple minutes, one or both are attracted or not. Saying it takes 5 minutes is being generous. You either feel it or you don't


Clearly physical attraction can be determined within seconds. I will also add when someone takes a little bit more time (i.e. 20-30 minutes ) before determining that there isn’t ( instant ) chemistry, then I think it is possibly because of the reasons I had mentioned earlier.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 24
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/26/2013 10:00:20 PM
Keep in mind, no matter if your first meet is a 15-minute cup of coffee or a 'magical' night of dinner and dancing with a 3-day sleepover --- it is STILL "JUST" a first date. People need to spend time apart to figure out if they want to spend MORE time together, and you gotta give them that 'space' to consider it.

At the end of the meet, you can compliment her and say you had a fun time, but don't EVER push for another meet right away. That time apart is a NECESSARY part of the process. It also gives YOU time to think about who you met, and think about it more thoroughly yourself.

If you call back and say you'd like to meet again - whether it be the next day or a few days later - you've gotta realize the ball is in HER court now, and you gotta back off COMPLETELY and let HER approach YOU with a reply. She may very well NOT want a second date -- but you gotta let HER make that decision. Don't ever start launching suggestions for dates to try to get her interest -- until you KNOW she's interested.
 FloridaRes123
Joined: 5/11/2013
Msg: 25
Seemingly good first dates, no second dates
Posted: 8/27/2013 2:21:35 AM
At the end of the meet, you can compliment her and say you had a fun time, but don't EVER push for another meet right away.


I had some female friends tell me that it's good (and an indicator of interest) to ask her out at the end of the first date, or at least there's nothing necessarily wrong with it (and it wouldn't be pushing).

My friends would say, "What? You didn't ask her out at the end of your date?" and I'm saying, "Well, no...I will be calling her later to ask her out." and they kind of give me a puzzled, "Um, why didn't you ask her out then?" lol

Say something like, "Would you want to do this again sometime?" as opposed to the 3-day "rule" that apparently someone came up with.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Seemingly good first dates, no second dates