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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > 3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions      Home login  
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 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
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3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressionsPage 1 of 1    
I don't know what to tell you other than, in my experience, this takes time . . . a lot of time, and patience . . . a lot of patience.

Out of 70 or so first dates I had, maybe 10% turned into second dates, and turned into a six month relationship, and finally I met the man I've been with for 2.5 years now.

It was a 2.5 year process for me.
 import_from_UK
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 4
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/13/2013 2:33:06 PM
Try not to take it to heart.

If you consider all the people you meet in your lifetime, very few turn into someone significant. All the friendships you form, relationships you find, people you learn to love, are very few when you consider that most people turn out to be just someone you met once.

Also, all those people you care about, were all chance meetings. Maybe you both went to the same school or met at a wedding of a mutual friend, or worked together. Sheer chance meetings that put two people together at the same time. The odds are really slim if you think about it and very random. It wasn't in their control to meet you and it wasn't in your control to meet them. It just happened.

When you think about these things, you'll understand that most meetings on here will just be one offs. And sometimes, we all chat to someone a while before deciding they aren't really our sort of person. That happens throughout our lives and is why some of our friends friends, never become our friends, even if our paths cross frequently. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either party, it's just that interest isn't there.

Now relationships are further complicated by the requirement for mutual attraction. Reducing that already small group we happen to meet and happen to like.

My point is it's all down to chance.

Sure, you can increase your chances like my good friend above by sticking with it, knowing what you seek, standing true to what you know you need in a partner and not losing time dating someone who isn't what you seek but to do that, you also have to be fairly committed to it.

Don't worry about setting the wrong first impression. It's only wrong to the wrong person. Changing who you are or how you approach things might make for a second date but sooner or later it's the real you facing the real them.

Just accept that you can't control the outcome so relax, and enjoy it and be true to yourself.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 5
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3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/13/2013 2:40:33 PM

It's only wrong to the wrong person.


This is so true. We had a really awkward moment on our first date, but he thought my little gaffe, which might have turned off another man, was hilarious, and I thought his was endearing (of course I also thought he was really nice and attractive, so that probably contributed to that assessment).

You always have to remember that you only need one, OP! That one will see you for who you are, and love it.
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/13/2013 3:01:27 PM

I also seldom get 2nd dates unless the first is a fun date (not dinner) I have quite a few friends tell me that first impression of me is a "good girl" and someone you marry not date.

and you believed them?

This first impression of me has always been an issue

no, it hasn't, since it's false.

this convenient theory is a bit insulting to the men, isn't it? the 'reasoning' here is any decent guy would somehow be compelled to date you, therefore anyone who rejects you isn't decent. that's always easier to believe than that the guy just didn't find you that interesting.

be that as it may, i'll echo the previous posters in that dating is a slog that rewards the tenacious, and everyone, no matter how idealized you think they might be capable of making themselves, is going to have far more misses than hits, unless chance works in their favor.
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 8
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/13/2013 4:19:13 PM
OP .. when a charming, dear, and attractive friend tells us she is having difficulty with dating, all of us have a tendency to try to come up with... SOMETHING, some rationale for this, and preferably one that doesn't upset our friend. You can't pay this too much mind, really....

WHATEVER impression you're giving, unless you deliberately work OT at giving a misleading one, IS the truth of you. So, I'd not worry about this overmuch, as another poster said--- you can't give the wrong impression to the right person.

As a humorous aside, I was a bit of a late bloomer but as often happens in that case... my, my, I sure went a bit off the deep end when I finally "bloomed." After my wedding, my then husband made a passing remark that I was "the type of woman a man marries." I smiled and said nothing. The reality is I was the type of woman HE married... plenty of others before him had taken a pass :)

People vanish at any point for millions of reasons, and it's futile to try to fathom why --- the ONLY thing you know with certainty about them from their action is... they were NOT the "right" one. So, shrug it off and keep trying...

Best luck!
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 10
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/13/2013 7:51:20 PM

How do I make myself more interesting on a first date, less "good girl".


It all depends on how you define "interesting" (and to whom you wanna direct it), and what you hope to get out of it!

There are loads of men here (and other such sites) that see you as a "notch" on their belts!
Regardless of what they say; their aim is to get a quick piece of ass, and then move on.
If they see you as someone that they have to put effort into, they'll just move on to easier prey

So unless you wanna risk being "had" and dumped
My suggestion is to be yourself and stop listening to a bunch of ignorant pple you call "friends"
And wait for the right kind of man to come along who likes you, for being you!
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 11
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/13/2013 9:12:32 PM
First off, what is wrong with being a "good girl?" We need more "good girls" today when there is so much pressure to be a slut and make sure you put out in order to maintain a man's interest.

Second, internet dating is a waste of time. Sure, a scant few find someone, but it's mostly just one big bar, with the same scumbags hanging around. You can try to reinvent yourself all you want, change up your profile, rework things, but it's still not going to amount to anything because *the same sort of lazy, low quality people* are still going to be hanging around online, trolling for easy, cheap sex.

Get off the computer and join some meetup groups, social events, REAL LIFE. Develop friendships in person that can possibly develop into more. Learn the proper way to trust and maintain connections with people who do not live their life using computers to hunt for prey.
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/14/2013 2:57:33 AM

...friends tell me that first impression of me is a "good girl" and someone you marry not date. I'm not sure how to break this perception...

Be careful trying to tweak or change how others view you. You have to be yourself. This is part of how you get the guy who is a good match for you. Changing too much or changing the wrong things the wrong way, after a point you get men/responses according to an impression that you've tailored just to get more responses or the responses you want, not according to who you really are.
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 13
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3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/14/2013 8:27:23 AM
VolcanoKing

Speaking on MY behalf and several men that I have met both here and on other sites your second paragraph is laughable - I certainly don't fit into the description and I daresay guys I have met in last couple of years don't either - they are looking for someone to connect with just like me. Getting to this point has been trial and error - but I now feel very comfortable that after I have "vetted" with e-mail/phone calls and then meeting I am not meeting some crazed lunatic. But what I am meeting 99.9% of the time is a guy where that "magic" is missing either for me, him or both of us - this means no second date.

I do agree with your last paragraph, one needs to get out and do things they like and meet like minded individuals.

OP - here is the lesson I have learned - when I would meet someone and there wasn't a vibe I would wonder what is wrong with me? Now I just realize that the chances are fairly remote that it will lead to another date with neither myself or him being scumbags or lazy, just not enough commonality
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 14
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/14/2013 9:23:53 AM
I seem to be in a rut and would like y'alls input please. I have chatted with a few guys on here, they have eventually either asked if I'd like to have dinner/meet/coffee and I said yes and then they never followed up. Think it was just an ego boost for them or they simply moved on?


This is very common for internet dating. Women have agreed to go out on a date with me. When I called to them to finalize plans, they never answered my calls. There are many different possible reasons why they changed their minds. Some of these reasons probably have nothing to do with you.


I also seldom get 2nd dates unless the first is a fun date (not dinner) I have quite a few friends tell me that first impression of me is a "good girl" and someone you marry not date. I'm not sure how to break this perception, I certainly don't view myself like that I'm just a regular girl. Any suggestions besides going topless lol


I think most first dates / meetings with someone from a dating site go nowhere. Of course there are other possible reasons. But I think one of the biggest reasons is that many people have unrealistic expectations and / or are impatient. They want instant fireworks like they see in some movies and commercials for online dating sites. Or they quickly lose interest. Many times there isn't instant chemistry because 2 people are still virtual strangers. Or at least one person is somewhat guarded, shy, nervous etc at first.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 15
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/14/2013 10:34:41 AM
First two paragraphs, he had messaged other gals and chose someone else, not sure things would work with her so he didn't want to burn your bridge by saying he chose someone else.

You don't seem like a good girl from your profile or posts on this thread. You seem like a typical woman on POF.
 fedexmale
Joined: 8/24/2013
Msg: 16
3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/15/2013 11:18:12 AM
You are not going to want to hear this, but if you diet, I think things will turn around for you and you'll have a lot less problems. It's healthy also.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 17
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3 for 1 questions: Fake dating offers, ghosts and 1st impressions
Posted: 9/15/2013 11:47:58 AM

I am the common denominator here

and yet you don't really believe that, do you? the ego-soothing lie your gfs are telling you has a different common denominator - that every man you struck out with moved on because you're a 'good girl' rather than his dirtbag counterpart - and you're buying it.

it's laudable that you want to improve yourself, but facile reasoning will not lead to any 'improvements' that will make a difference where you want them to.
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