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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
Sex is overrated???Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
You simply may have too different styles to your libido. I personally think sex is not overrated and have been in relationships where the sex was awesome, intense, and yes like a 16 year old, ALL the time.

If he grew up Catholic that may be also an issue. Some men have issues having the person that they are married acting wild in the bedroom. I think it's called the Madonna/whore syndrome.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 5
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 8:14:12 AM
On occasion, some may experience sexual "issues" beyond their control.
As an attempt to rebalance, they will justify and proceed to offer a coherent and plausible explanation based on "half truths" surrounding the sexual issue such as declaring sex to be "overrated" or "my religion doesn't allow it" or "my parents rarely did it but, they loved each other".

Of course, given this scenario, he may be fearful of losing you should he divulge or you discover the truth. And, this fear will reinforce his sexual issue (catch 22) causing deleterious effects to the relationship.

I would recommend that you attempt to discuss the real nature of his sexual issue and show support in trying to remedy it in a way that will be of mutual accord. If he is overweight and unhealthy then, ED is a real possibility.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 6
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 8:21:24 AM
I would agree that sex is overhyped in our society. But that's more of a knock on our society than it is on sex.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 8
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 8:47:50 AM
what gets the most emotional response out of the average human being...is anything attacking his or her sense of self identity.

In other words, you're probably correct, he's got an issue about sex, and its easier to deny it than to confront it. Only he will change it, if/when he decides it's no longer getting him what he wants in life. but if doing what he's doing now gets him and keeps him dates, then there's nothing broke for him, so why should he bother to fix it?

and if you're wrong, he's just asexual...then you still won't get him to change his mind.

his thinking is foriegn to you, and your's is to him. that is called incompatability. you will have to make a decision, which would you rather lose, sex or him. get comfortable with the solution to a problem, and you become at peace with the problem.
 tatersprout
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 10
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 9:38:28 AM

How would you suggest I go about discussing the true nature of the issue? I'm afraid of offending him or losing him (also) over such a discussion if I push the issue too soon or address it in the wrong way
At the same time, if he's going to ignore an issue, pretend it doesn't exist, or make an excuse and say that it's not important, I just can't go along with that. I certainly can't stay in any relationship long term where there's not a fair bit of affection and working toward mutual satisfaction and I do feel the need to say that in the kindest way possible.

Personally, I would address the issue using a lot of "I feel" vs "you" openers. You put your feelings and concerns out there without blame. "I feel we have become close and I really enjoy your company. Physical intimacy is important to me. I don't feel desirable to you" and such. This is a sad situation, and all you can do is talk to him and say what you have said here. He seems to be a great friend, but without intimacy, that's all you have.
My take is that he is minimizing the importance of sex in order to avoid a physical issue. He has convinced himself and now he is attempting to convince you. Every rationalization will be tossed to you and he is into avoidance.
Believe me, speaking as a first generation American Irish Catholic, we do not avoid sex and are not shy about it. How do you think we get such huge families?
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 11
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 9:56:23 AM
Bigsmile76;

How would you suggest I go about discussing the true nature of the issue?

Yes, that is the difficult part as what may work for some, will not work for others.

The best advice that I can give you, without being intimately acquainted with your situation is that, as long as your approach is from a truly kind and caring, trusting state towards him and not of anger, fear or frustration, be confident that your caring actions/words will follow. If he responds repeatedly negative then, be assured that you have did your best and consider your alternative. Though, recognize that he may be negative, initially.

If you feel that you are becoming frustrated, angry during the communication, it will be important that you refrain or "back off" until the emotion subsides. Do not continue to communicate while in this state unless you are absolutely comfortable with your feelings/emotions thereby avoiding the need to act out. Don't try to "control" or deny your emotions/feelings either as this is an unhealthy form of "acting out" as well.

If he is truly interested and cares for you then, he will want to remedy the issue in a mutually satisfying manner, if possible.

Hope this helps
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 13
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 10:55:38 AM
At this point in my life, even though I definitely enjoy great sex, I'd trade in great sex for a great woman any day of the week. Does that mean sex is overrated? That's tough to say. I don't prioritze sexual compatibility as much when I'm looking for a serious relationship.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 14
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 10:55:42 AM
There is a some critical information missing from your post about the relationship. How long have you been dating? How often are you one-on-one with each other, and where? Do you sleep together? Do you kiss, and if so, how often? Is the kissing good? How is the affection? In most cases, things have to be right outside the bedroom to be right in the bedroom.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 15
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 11:08:53 AM
I actually think that discussing this is somewhat premature, at only one month of having dated.

However, now that the cat is out of the bag, and because he made a dramatic statement, "sex is overrated," rather than, for example, the much more innocuous "let's wait until we get to know each other better," you will probably have to talk to him about it.

I, too, would start out by stating my own feelings about sex, and the value I would like it to have in a long-term relationship (or whatever relationship you're aiming to have with him). I'd then ask him to elaborate on his statement. Just see what he says.

In my opinion, and experience, it is not so much issues with sex per se that can create problems, but issues with communication about those issues.

There's a very big difference between a guy, for example, with ED, who, while he feels terrible about it and may initially be defensive, is nevertheless willing to own it, talk about it, and work things out for the both of you, and one who is so overwhelmed by it that he refuses to discuss it, or, worse, blames you.

Sex is important, and a lack of communication about important issues precludes a healthy, happy relationship.

Good luck, OP!

Well, I read your OP again, and it sounds as if you already talked to him about it, and he kind of stuck to his guns. You may have to say something like, you know, I thought about this conversation we were having, and I do need to tell you that sex IS very important to me. So, I would like to know whether you do eventually envision having a rich, mutually sex life, or whether you really feel that sex is not something that you need much of to be happy. Then see what he says. I'd be willing to work with the right man, if I felt he and I had the same goal. But if he told me that it's never going to be important to him, I'd be out of there. I do need a healthy sex life (or what I think is a healthy sex life), and I do need to feel desired in that way.

I'm kind of straightforward myself, so I'd probably even say something like this to him, regarding ED. For example, I might say that if I were to date a man with ED, I'd be willing to work with him to find ways to make sex mutually satisfying, if that's what he wanted to do.

Ask your questions, and then, most importantly, listen to the answers. Men almost always tell it how it is. If, after you ask all these questions, he still maintains that sex is not that important to him, I would probably walk, because that's who is is, then, and it wouldn't be something I'd want to invest my time in.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 17
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 11:22:49 AM
I wrote an update to my post above, after you posted, so you may want to go back to that.

Also, he sounds as if he's in denial about his health issues, or at least doesn't want to address them. You probably know that this was true for you, too, until you were ready.

He will not change, get healthier, or lose weight, unless he decides that this is what he wants to do, no matter how often you try to motivate him and talk to him about it. I'm sure you only want what's best for him, but pressing people to do things they're not ready to do is called nagging, and it never works.

My guy was diabetic and 90 lbs. overweight when I met him. He was very sick (I didn't know). But he made a conscious decision to change, and he did. And while we had occasional discussions about this (I wasn't always able to keep my mouth shut), I did not press him to do this at all, when we first met. I found him attractive in spite of his weight, and made sure he knew it. Of course I'm very happy now, mostly because he's healthy and will be around for a while, and, also, let's face it, it doesn't hurt that he looks like a professional athlete, but the decision to change came 100% from him, and I think my pressuring him would have hurt, rather than helped his resolve.

I do wish you good luck with this.

Also, feel free to send me a private message. I'm restricted regarding my forum posts at the moment, but would be happy to talk more, if you'd like.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 18
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 11:29:40 AM



LiliMarleen said,
I actually think that discussing this is somewhat premature, at only one month of having dated.


- This is correct... it can take 7 weeks for a man to fall in love. Just because you've had some horndogs who can't keep their hands off you right out of the gate does not mean that's the way it's supposed to be... some men are slower and prefer the woman to come on to them. Take a chill pill and get back to us in a month.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 11:35:54 AM
There is nothing uncommon about people with low libidos, Google mismatched libidos and you should find many a couple who are completely unhappy along with some medical articles. It's not going to change, it's unlikely that he's just waiting for the right woman or the right moment, etc., he simply does not find sex all that interesting. When one has a normal to high libido and the other has a low to nothing libido, trust me, there will be resentments, feeling of low self-esteem, and fighting and maybe cheating. BTW, not only will the frustrated higher sexual partner cheat but so do people with low libidos, it may not make sense, but it happens a lot, sorry to say. A lot of people with a low libido know they have to have sex to get someone hooked, but they cannot keep it up because they don't want to do it, or not often.

Your guy sounds pretty honest and upfront, but that doesn't mean he's for you. If you need sex and affection, then you should find a partner that is more on your level. What usually happens is that the one with the low libido holds the control, you can't dress sexy or try new positions to make them want it, it doesn't work that way when you are simply not turned on by the whole idea. So that person is only going to participate when they want to or are forced, and trust me, you will feel like crap by trying to get affection and sex from them. It beats up your self-esteem, tons of people tell you hopelessly worthless things like buy sexy clothes, act in sexy ways, buy toys, etc., and all the while you are being turned down and add being sexually frustrated on top of feeling like a sexual failure, and you are going to build resentments like y0u've never dreamed.

Whatever sexual/affectionate attention you are getting now, is most likely as good as it gets. As the relationship moves forward, it's going to lessen and could actually end up being nothing at all. Some like to hug & kiss, some don't want any part of it, and some like sex once in a while, which for many people I've talked to, can be as little as maybe birthday sex, as though it's a present to you that they will endure once a year. There will be people will who tell you that sex isn't as important as a good man/woman, well if that works for you, then fine, but if you want good sex in a good relationship, then it is not going to work for you at all. Take a really good look and decide what's important to you. Wanting good sex is not a vain expectation, your boyfriend has every right to not have to have sex if he doesn't want to, and equally so you have every right to good sex if want. Neither of you is wrong but your mismatch is most likely wrong for both of you and should be right up there in the top 5 reasons of why to be with someone or not be with them.

There is always the possibility that it's a medical problem and can be fixed. But not all medically caused low libidos can be fixed and understand that not all men or women who could gain a higher sexual level from going to a doctor for treatment, want that out come. Many low libido persons like not being ruled by a sex drive, many have found peace in their lack of wanting sex. It's important that you evaluate this situation with honesty, there is nothing wrong with knowing you can't live that way and moving on.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 20
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 12:31:31 PM
OP This isn't really just about sex. The 'sex is overrated" comment he made is a highlight of a more complicated situation - your needs are not being met and you are looking for validation and a way to feel okay about talking him into changing. This is not okay. At this age you need to look at this guy and ask yourself - " Do I accept him as he is?" if not then let it go and move on. Your relationship should not be based on what he 'could be', it should be based on who he is...warts and all.
 rissignol
Joined: 9/5/2013
Msg: 21
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 1:14:16 PM
That is definitely a red flag. Even if he's not in the closet, or suffering from some sort of ED, there are some deep seated issues there regarding intimacy and relationships. The latter is my best guess considering he brought up his parents' relationship (or lack thereof).

If I were you I'd move along.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 6:17:09 PM
Boy, sometimes women are a little hard to figure out. Usuallly, don't we read about how guys are ONLY looking at women as little sex toys????? Now, we have a guy here that doesn't do that, and he's the one with the problem?????


Sex is glue that holds a couple together and when they stop having it, the relationship dies.


Maybe it's the OP that is "overrating" the value of "sex" in a long lasting relationship???? I somehow get this feeling when reading the above line.


He's Irish and was raised Catholic which does seem to be some kind of code (in my experience) for a man to be repressed about sex, but I digress


And when I read this one, I do have to laugh. Looks like the OP needs to "experience" a little more in life before generically stating ca ca.

Basically, all I see is two people that are not gonna see eye to eye on a LOT of things. Obvious by the "things" that are valued "important" by one of the parties and not the other in a month's time. A lose lose situation. Best just end it and keep the generic stuff alive and well.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 26
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 6:32:31 PM
I agree, I don't know why the guy is going to bring up mom and dad as far as not having much sex or however you worded it. I mean, you can wait a while and see if it gets better but he has already drawn the lines as far as sex not being a big deal or being over rated. Sexual intimacy is pretty important within a relationship, it is as important as other things that make a relationship. Now if a person can not be sexually intimate, then the other person needs to decide if it isn't reversible, that they can still have a relationship. I f a person is healthy to have sex, then I will always believe that as humans, it is hugely important. OP, you will do what you want obviously and only you can figure out if you can live with this situation. For me, if a person is sexually healthy, there are no compromises to get in a relationship that is void of sexual intimacy.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 28
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/14/2013 8:21:22 PM
Great post OP. You know what you want and what is normal and you will not stray or accept anything less. Great attitude!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 30
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 5:09:25 AM
OP, I would ask if his attitudes about sex has changed as he has gotten older?

Was sex always overrated or did he feel differently when he was a young man?

Testosterone does start to decline around age 45, so it is possible he is experiencing a lower libido because of that. Or it could be he has never had a strong interest in sex.

I think it's important to determine if his libido has always been low or if this is new. You might want to discuss what aspects of sex are overrated? How sexually experienced is he, there is a lot more to sex than just sexual intercourse.

I do think sex is overrated. But my meaning is that many seem to think having sexual intercourse is the high point of their dating life. A lot of casual sex is mediocre and just having an orgasm isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I do have a hypothesis that Christians tend to be more inhibited than Buddhists. But they both still have a strong interest in sex.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 31
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 5:55:24 AM

I only made the comment about Irish Catholic because my 2nd husband was. Talk about repressed. And mommy/daddy issues to boot


You're working on number 3 hubby and this guy is working on number 1 wifey. Yeah, I can see even MORE reasons for the two of you to get away from each other. You can list all your needs(wants actually) for this guy but, honestly, I do believe the two of you are done. I know I would be done with ya, especially if you have the gonads to explain to this guy your generic "assumptions" of Irish Catholics. Why don't you try that and see where you go?????

Oh, buy him a bottle of real whiskey before you do so. Things will be much easier on him with a headache in the morning to remind him of the night before.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 32
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 9:32:00 AM
you two are on different rails of the path .
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 35
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 1:11:08 PM
I get what you're saying.
You have a great relationship with this guy, you don't care if you don't
have sex right away, but you would like to know that sex will be part of
the relationship in the future.

The guy is telling you he thinks sex is overrated.
That would be a red flag for me. At some point, you're going to become
frustrated because your needs aren't being met. He's going to become
frustrated because he doesn't know what your problem is...he told you at
the beginning he thought sex was overrated.

Unless one of you has a change of mind, I don't see how this is going to work.

I'd probably end it before I became even more emotionally involved and save
myself the future frustration (and hurt). But that's just me.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 36
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 1:25:23 PM

To all those who are posting that sex IS overrated and that no one should expect you to do THAT icky thing.... really?


Haven't read anywhere here where anyone said sex was "icky"????? Can ya quote it????

And yes, you are "going on" to number 3, you just told us you have been married twice, which means the next one is number 3. Unless you count different than the rest of us.

You, are not "reading" what some are telling you here. We are not telling you are "wrong" in want you "want"(people can live without sex, so it really isn't a "need" by definition, only a personal requirement,by you) with regards to the physical part of the relationship. What we are telling you is that you and he are not seeing or expecting the same thing. And you, by your own choice can not communicate your wants to this man. So, some of us are telling you, that you are best to leave this scenario.

Again, because of your past experinces, you can't seem to understand that some people, couples CAN HAVE a positive relationship "without" what you think is a need. And then, as you state, some CAN'T. Seems to a lot of us here, he can, and you can't. It ain't hard math.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 39
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 3:01:11 PM

Walts:
Every post of yours on this subject appears to be an angry one. Perhaps this subject is a little personal to you.


I'm not happy with the generic shiat/reasoning the OP is using/stating. Irish Catholics don't like sex???? Sex is "required" for a good long term relationship????? Honestly, does anybody leave their own neighbourhood anymore?????

I've met enough people to understand that not all couples/individuals put such a high value on swapping body fluids, and yet, surprisingly,can still have a long term relationship. Not once have I stated my personal preference on my wants of sex between consenting adults.(for fear of being banned). And yes there is a "biological reason" for sex, and it has nothing to do with "long term relationships. Biology 101.Breeding has nothing to do with "relationships".
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 40
Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 4:07:45 PM
OP, no matter what others say, you feel it is important in your life to be in a relationship that includes sex as a big part of it. Other big parts of a relationship including a good sex life is communication, trust, honesty and enjoying each other. Sounds like this guy doesn't fit what you need and what you need is what you want! You already know your answer so IMO I would let the guy know soon so he can also move on.
 RERE1026
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 41
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Sex is overrated???
Posted: 10/15/2013 4:19:32 PM
Rock on....someone keeping my toes curled is a nice thing........especially if I get along with them...
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