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 LightGlider
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 1
Element of SurprisePage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok here it goes. Go you people think is nice to surprise someone for no apparent reason in a good way? I have a habit of doing such. I'm like dating this women for like a year now and in the course of that year, I surprised her with flowers, chocolate (she love choc....) and pick her up from work and send her a card for no reason. I realized something that she has yet to do anything like that for me. What the ...... Any opinions?
 aquila75
Joined: 6/8/2013
Msg: 2
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 12:30:36 AM
Your going to get lots of peanut gallery comments for this but if you have a problem with her not returning the "surprises" talk to her.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 3
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 1:47:37 AM
Speaking from the "peanut gallery", people have differing opinions of how to give or receive, acts of affection. She may or may not be oblivious, to your needs. Communicate with her, "I think it would be great if you.............."
 02HDF150
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 4
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 2:58:40 AM
If you're doing those things in hopes of getting her to return the favor, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 4:11:07 AM
Obviously, you should date yourself, or an identical twin.

You call these things "surprises." Yet you apparently consider them to be something else, such as obligatory signals of interest or affection, and you also apparently believe that EVERYONE is "supposed to" do such things. Hence you are miffed that the women you have thus tried to "surprise" have not tried to "surprise" you in return.

That tells me that you need to do some deeper digging into yourself, and you own real motives about this. Whenever one gives "gifts," but expect like "gifts" in return, they are lying to themselves and whoever they deal with. That is not "gift giving," it is BARTERING.

This doesn't mean that I am entirely without sympathy for you. Taking this in another direction, if we were instead to talk about a situation where one person did all of the initiation of sex, for example, that would be an indication of possible problems between them, especially if a CHANGE had occurred in such behaviors.

But it could simply be that you have been oblivious to the fact that though you were very attracted to them, none of those women were all that into you. In fact, most often, when I see or hear someone complaining as you have here, that their efforts to please someone aren't being returned, a sort of warning light goes off, and I suspect that they have been trying to buy others affections, and are angry that no one is selling.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 6
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 5:44:52 AM
I'm like dating this women for like a year now

Like really? Like why are you asking this question unless you had like some expectations or something???? Oh wait here they are...


I realized something that she has yet to do anything like that for me.

If you expect her to surprise you in return at some point, then your acts of affection come with a price tag attached. That's a different kind of surprise that isn't nice. If you can't give freely, STOP DOING IT. Real gifts don't have lil' obligations dangling off the end of them.

On the other hand if you are wondering if her feelings for you don't match yours, this may or may not be true but trying to discern it based on the fact that she never surprises you is the wrong way to go about it.


nice to surprise someone for no apparent reason

apparently, you have a reason.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 7
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 6:13:54 AM
I dated a man like yourself for over a year. He often bought me little surprises, always went out his way to make every visit to his home special. I had less time as I work and he was retired. He had the same complaints you have. When he voiced them to me I understood and agreed that he did more for me than I did for him. However, he said I did nothing for him. I had to list everything I had done/bought for him for no particular reason.
He then saw it was not as one sided as he had believed and told me he needed me to remind him of this. Hmm. Our entire relationship became about what he did/gave me (he often reminded me) and how little he got in return.
I asked him to stop giving/doing for me as he didn't believe I appreciated it and I was sick of him bringing it up. He continued to give/do for me until the breakup when he demanded I pay him for things he had done for me.
He said he felt I had used him (which is what you seem to be feeling op) and therefore I owed him.
Stop doing/giving her things if it makes you feel this way. A gift should be given for no reason other than to please the recipient. Talking to her about this will just make her feel obligated to buy you things. Do you really want a gift for this reason?
 SWEET_MAVERICK
Joined: 9/28/2013
Msg: 8
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 6:30:09 AM
It's not in her nature to do such things...when u give, it should be w/o any expectations of having them returning the action IN THE SAME MANNER.

What does she bring to the table? Is she sweet, kind, does she ever cook or bake for you, is she great in bed, etc?

What you do is a small price to pay if she is a keeper in other ways.

Does she at least say "Thank you"??

Maybe you need a more co-dependant type???
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 9
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 6:47:37 AM
Maybe you dont know each other's love langauages. What you are describing is the third style of expressing love: Giftgiving.

Go here:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Read up. Its free and easy as pie.
If I had known about this a few years ago, it may have given me a good extra 10% chance to save my marriage. :)
 sandytm
Joined: 9/25/2013
Msg: 10
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 7:36:53 AM
What exactly would you like her to do? Read your mind? Have a talk with her, tell her that you like surprises too, and give her some ideas.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 11
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 8:25:17 AM
We call that romance, which is just planned spontaneity. Women usually like that in a relationship.

But I did not know guys need that... what are you, some kind of girly-man or somptin'?!

Wait a minute... come to think if it, I like it myself... I like to be wined and dined, I need flowers! Ladies, now do you understand how silly that sounds?!

Seriously though, you are supposed to do those things, at least something little once a month or so. .. does she do anything for you? cook your favorite meal once in awhile? Buy or craft you a gift? Give you a gift? I would not expect her to do the same exact things, everybody has their own style, but she should give in her own way.

If you want a good woman, make sure you choose a giver who loves you.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 9:17:37 AM
Does she appreciate these surprises? Not everyone does, sometimes, as with your post, people who surprise expect something in return and that can be a big turn off. The fact that you have in your hand is that you like to do these little things and she does not, or she does not want to do them for you. So stop expecting to gain something from her and decide if you want to date a woman who does not give you what you want. I am like you, I like to do things like that but you can't expect other people to do the same in return, that's like men who buy a woman dinner then get pissy when they don't get sex, life doesn't work that way. You have not found a compatible girlfriend, most likely time to move on, as you are going to feel hurt more & more as time goes on you and you don't get what you need from her. She's not wrong, you are not wrong, you just are not a match.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 13
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 9:20:08 AM
Hold on! one day she might like surprise you like by disappearing on you !
 sandytm
Joined: 9/25/2013
Msg: 14
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 9:41:03 AM
Just like some men have no clue when it comes to gift giving, there are women who lack in that area too. This type of people won't get anything from little hints being dropped, they need you to give them a list.

Same with surprises. If you like them and aren't getting them, you have three choices: 1)dump the person (b/c obviously you aren't compatible), 2)learn to live w/it, 3)learn to ask for what you want in life.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 15
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 9:47:18 AM
A gift is given voluntarily without expectation of reward. Stop expecting her to reciprocate. Why don't you talk with her about what you need to feel loved? Ask what she needs. Everyone has different love languages.

In 'The Five Love Languages' Gary Chapman writes about the importance of being able to express love to your partner in a way that your partner can understand. Chapman's five emotional love languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch.

From: "The Five Love Languages Will Help You Connect With One Another" by Sheri and Bob Stritof, About.com. marriage. 2013.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 16
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 10:08:47 AM

Hold on! one day she might like surprise you like by disappearing on you !

Funny...I like that!

Anyway you give because of the desire to do something nice for someone. You don't give hoping that it is reciprocated do you? If you are looking for a gift, skip the middle step and buy it for yourself.
It is always a mistake to assume people think the same way you do.

I went out with a girl for almost a year and soon after I realized that I didn't want to see her anymore I started thinking of things I didn't like about her. Funny how these things never bothered me until I needed to find reasons to move on. Just a thought.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 17
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Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 10:39:17 AM
What you seem to describe is a term called "been counting"

Quoted from the Forbes website:

The problem with the bean counters is what’s being counted. It’s a focus on solely counting things, rather than dimensions of life related to people.


You want some sort of "payback" for doing the "surprises" from her. I think after a year together, you would figure she's not going to reciprocate they way you want her to.
You need to understand what other ways she shows her appreciation.

FYI, I would think it would be extremely creepy if you showed up at my job unexpectedly.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 18
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 10:46:55 AM
to opp " When you give over and over and it is not reciprocated , there are people streets are named after , one way .
Relationships are supposed to be a two way street . The way you describe the person you are with a better title would have
been , Element of Entitlement , so many seem to expect with out returning in this day and age . Even have seen profiles
that state a first date to be the "Traditional Dinner and a Movie " , can't help but laugh . My advice to opp would be dump
her , you do not need to be in a one way relationship .
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 19
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 12:11:35 PM
Maybe she doesn't know what kind of surprises you appreciate. Maybe she appreciates you in other ways you aren't aware of. Maybe she thinks "gifts" are just gifts with no reciprocation necessary. Just talk to her about it.
 genie270
Joined: 9/9/2013
Msg: 20
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 12:28:47 PM
You need to find someone as romantic as you. She clearly thinks she is the only one entitled to all the wining and dining. So unless you tell her flat out, you won't be getting any of that from her. Then again, why do you do these things expecting something in return? Shouldn't romance be more of a spontaneous, selfless thing instead of methodical and mechanical?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 21
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 1:00:41 PM

You need to find someone as romantic as you.


Some people don't define "romance" with giving of chocolates, dead flowers and a manufactured card. Supposedly it's all about the "Thought". Maybe the girl involved here doesn't believe there is much "thinking" involved when the actions involved are generic at best?????? Beats me, I'm not her. But, I do know when there is some "whining" involved. The OP seems to expect something in return for his "thoughtfulness", which, as many have pointed out, isn't suppose be the reason you "give".

Or is it????? I mean in this day and age. I don't know anymore.
 LightGlider
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 22
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 4:38:57 PM
1st of all, I never kept score, nor did I ever notice till someone brought it up. ( Quote) Why you keep doing all these things for her. Have you not notice something?

I do those surprises cause I want to and it brings me joy to see that I made someone happy. Over the years on my past relationships, I recall the joy it gave me when someone surprised me for no reason at all, and not something of value that cost $$. I truly value effort that comes from the heart.
 LightGlider
Joined: 6/12/2013
Msg: 23
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 4:48:51 PM
WOW there tickle me pank. you remember me from my last post like few months ago. I don't recall anyone here. you must really have nothing better to do and read and study pof posts all day. I wish I had such times on my hands.
 hotmerlot
Joined: 4/26/2013
Msg: 24
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 5:02:52 PM
I dislike getting surprise gifts from men for this very reason.

Many people are busy with jobs and families and don't have the time or money to do this kind of thing. And too many men & women give gifts with expectations.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 25
Element of Surprise
Posted: 10/15/2013 5:44:05 PM
Expectations ruin everything. She is dateing you, she is not obligated to have you be her monkey.

I personally dislike suprises, I particularly would be not pleased, if a man arrived unexpected, particularly when business is associated.

Women need to be aware, of what goes on around them, as to assertain if it is acceptable behaviour or not, and honestly, In America, Im suprised you feel such is acceptable.
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