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 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
how do i approach the new girlfriend situationPage 1 of 1    
Can you have a pleasant, live, and non-judgmental chat with your daughter's father regarding how you can each address the topics of new boyfriends (for you) and new girlfriends (for your ex) moving forward?
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3
how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/18/2013 4:52:56 AM
tell your daughter she doesn't have to answer this creepy woman's questions about you and give her a few polite ways to phrase it.
 sandytm
Joined: 9/25/2013
Msg: 4
how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/18/2013 8:23:53 AM

i dont want to ever give the impression i have a issue.


But, you kind of have an issue. Your priority is to your daughter, not the impression you give. Teach her it's okay not to answer every question. If she starts to feel a tingle of uncomfortability, that's where she could draw the line. Practice role playing different scenarios and switch out who plays the gf.

The gf will keep asking more questions as long as your daughter keeps answering them.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/19/2013 12:40:29 PM
As far as I know for sure, I have never been a ten year old girl. I therefore have to guess.

Some fairly obvious things to at least think about:

* anyone over the age of two, tends to resent being 'babied,' unless they are in love.

* the new gal pal has logical reason to collect 'intelligence' about your ex's prior love interest. It's a very common way to come to a better understanding of present day behaviors, no different from asking what someone used to eat, when you want to please them with the meals you are about to prepare for them. In short, being curious about you, and especially about how your children feel about you and about herself, doesn't require any nefariousness.

* it is common for females in general, of any age, to feel threatened at least a little, when the focal male in their lives takes up with a new female. That means that at least part of what bothers your daughter, could be a general bit of angst about her status in dad's life. Having the new gal pestering her with questions would tend to make that worse.

The most logical thing I can suggest, is a two-pronged approach.

1) let your daughter know that it's natural that the new gal would be curious about the family past, to address the notion that there's anything inherently wrong with it.

2) let your ex know about your daughter's concerns, so that he and the new gal can consider how better to have such discussions, by being sensitive to how they are being received and perceived.

The best way to avoid giving the impression that you have an issue about ANYTHING, is by bringing the subject out in the open and addressing it directly and calmly and logically. The best way to GIVE the impression that you "have an issue," is to dance around the subject, avoid talking about it, or trying to hide your concerns.
 Bachelorette.Number1
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 6
how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/19/2013 9:16:08 PM
I'm going to suggest something else.
Could it be that the new girlfriend is just trying to get to know your daughter?
I know with kids that I don't know to well, I ask them questions. To try to open them up and then I'll try to carry on a conversation based on their answers.

At 10, alot of times, this is very one sided when you don't know them yet.
I kinda wonder if the new girlfriend is just trying to converse? Better than her not asking your daughter anything!

And if your daughter is uncomfortable, maybe it's because she's 10 and there's a new figure in the picture that she's not sure about yet? And yeah, sharing dad? Maybe this has a little to do with it? Only you would know. But you mentioned nothing seems to bother her, maybe this one is a little? Maybe your daughter is feeling confused slightly about loyality and "if she is friends with dad's new girl, where does that put her mom" thing?
I'm guessing here.

I agree with above mostly, does it have to be nefarious?
Another thought - be careful of that girls/catty/excluding thing. Why not encourage your daughter to accept and be friend this new woman?
You didn't mention that she's nasty. Just asking questions.....just my thoughts.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 7
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how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/20/2013 12:46:17 PM
I think your Exes new GF is only asking questions in order to get to know your daughter. Unless your daughter can sight an example of an inappropriate question, I would take her frustration with a grain of salt. Any adult is going to attempt to communicate with a partner's child, that includes asking about their day, homelife, foods, tv shows, books etc they enjoy. It's how people get to know one another. And yes, she will even ask questions about you.
Would you prefer the lady ignore her or not engage in conversation?
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 8
how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/21/2013 1:28:55 PM
You know, I am usually striving to understand and always try and find positive reasons for things, but if you have an admittedly laid back person asked questions not about herself but about YOU that are making her uncomfortable?

I think that should not be discounted. She can answer whatever she is comfortable sharing about who SHE is and what she likes, and what she does when she is with her father, since that is what will affect the other woman.

But if she is being asked very specific questions about YOU OP? And they are making her uncomfortable/ I would take that very seriously.

She needs to have her comfort zone in what she says, and she should not be put in the position of answering questions about a former wife of her dad's girlfriend. That is not fair and more than a little creepy. Not the same as someone being protective of a parents former relationship; it is a person being put in a very uncomfortable position on something they should not have to disclose for nay reason. There is a LOT a person can learn about a person without learning all the habits of their mother as being part of it. Help the girl learn to only answer what she feels comfortable answering and hold firm to what she isn't.

Best of luck OP to you and your daughter>
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 9
how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/23/2013 2:42:59 PM
I would tell your daughter that if she is uncomfortable with such questions and always leading back to quizzing of you, that she doesnt have to answer them. Tell her to let the new gf the truth and to not ask her anymore. If it continues, bring it up to your ex.
IMO, the gf is being nosey and a bit jealous...lol

If she is trying to get to know the daughter, she should go thru her bf (daughters father). This includes asking about you too.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 10
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how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 10/24/2013 9:30:55 AM
Hmmmm...

Sounds like she is trying to discover what the kids like and dont like.
But she may be doing it in a way that your daughter feels is "her trying to replace you".
Im sure she may be a little insecure about her position and may be pushing a little too hard, which your daughter senses.

If it were my daughter, she would probably turn around and ask her WHY she wanted to know this.
That has a tendancy to call out the elephant in the room.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
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how do i approach the new girlfriend situation
Posted: 1/13/2014 7:20:21 AM
OP has left the building but I would try to meet the woman or have some phone conversation with her. I'm not a big fan of the bio parents doing all the talking if things get serious and it seems a long-term partnership is happening.

As I recall from 24 years ago, it is hard being the new girlfriend, particularly if the previous relationship was at all a long one and not a short marriage that failed. You're trying to get to know the child and for me at least there was some sadness that I had missed the first 11 years of his life. If she's digging for information on the other bio parent she may not even be aware she's doing it, particularly if the other party is not particularly communicative.
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