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 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 1
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falling out of love?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
a friend just dropped a bombshell on me...his wife left...

you gotta understand.....his marriage seemed to be perfect.....to everyone.includeing him

seriously.....i wish i would have been a good a husband as he was

she just left on tuesday...................her reason?......."i dont feel anything anymore"

i stopped in about a week and a half ago.....everything seemed and felt the same as always

so..is it possible to just lose your love for someone overnight?
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 2
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 3:47:02 PM
It didn't happen overnight. My mother told me once that the moment a woman shuts up is the moment she's given up on the relationship. Your friend's wife probably complained about there being a lack of romance years ago, and he either shrugged it off or bought her some flowers. She probably began working on the big move several months ago when she finally gave up on the relationship. She compared a life with him to a life without him, and the life without him was more appealing. I'm sorry for your friend.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 4:02:41 PM

My mother told me once that the moment a woman shuts up is the moment she's given up on the relationship.



For your info, not gender specific. One of my tell tale signs I'm near the "end" is when I am quiet. Nothing more frightening than a quiet, sober Irishman.

On topic. You don't "fall outta love" quickly. That is, if you really where "in love". You have to remember OP, that what "we see" is not really what "is", all the time. We, as an audience never really "see it all". It's why we have doors on our houses.
 actualizing
Joined: 9/3/2013
Msg: 4
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 4:15:45 PM
I agree that it did not happen overnight. It is interesting to me that people have different ways to express love and different ways to receive it. When you say he is a good husband, it may have pleased you to see it and know it on a level that she did not see or know.

When somebody's feelings shut down, it is usually because they were not considered or understood. There is an apparent lack of communication involved here between both parties.

I am sorry for your friend. It can be very hurtful and crazymaking for him right now but he may need to look at himself objectively without judgement right now in order to really understand. Nobody can speak for another person.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 5
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 5:41:04 PM
It doesn't happen overnight. One never knows what goes on behind closed doors, and I would bet she was trying to get it back and couldn't. My ex was surprised and totally unaware, (or ignored) that I had quit communicating and trying to talk several years ahead of the actual split. However, he wanted to end it too so eventually it worked out.
 Beauregard63
Joined: 7/15/2013
Msg: 6
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 5:52:28 PM
.....his marriage seemed to be perfect.....to everyone.includeing him


Apparently it wasn't perfect for his wife!

How can two people supposedly be in a perfect marriage where there is no Jippity Do Da unless their idea of a perfect marriage is one without a satisfying sexual and emotional relationship - if he did not know he's wife was "just not feeling it anymore" I suspect they have not be communicating how they have felt for quite some time.

I suppose some people just get used to trudging along with their marriage just being OK or tolerable and put on a good enough show that everyone else thinks they have a great marriage.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 7
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 5:58:47 PM

is it possible to just lose your love for someone overnight?


Its not impossible!
You gotta remember that we are living at a time when pple have all kinds of unrealistic expectations
and a high sense of entitlement!

The notion that one partner's unhappiness develops years before the split happens is a likely occurence,
but one would have to examine the dynamics of why such unhappiness or dissatisfaction develops.

If one spouse makes demands that the partner just isn't capable of doing or keeping up with, then whose fault is it?
The question becomes: Who is the one who is being unreasonable or difficult?
 tickled
Joined: 10/8/2013
Msg: 8
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 6:12:33 PM
You NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 9
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 6:18:59 PM
You have no idea what went on between them. She may have said that to spare his feelings. If he has no idea why she left, it sounds like he was ignoring his wife's concerns and feelings.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 6:28:58 PM
I was also one of the people that never gave any indication that I was looking to leave. I talked to my husband for years regarding issues we had, but they fell on deaf ears. To all my friends and neighbors we appeared to be happy because I never criticized him to others or discussed problems outside the home. Our friends were shocked and after the marriage ended I lost many because they could never grasp why I never said anything. I guess women are supposed to gossip and **** about their men (?)
Your friend will eventually open up to you, because although appearances from the outside were good, after a period of reflection he's going to have his 'A-Ha' moment.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 11
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 7:08:54 PM
good points, carolann. Before we married my ex-husband and I agreed never to criticize each other or argue in front of other people. We went to three different marriage counselors, trying to resolve his enormous resentment towards me. This started when I became a mother. Terry resented his narcissistic, controlling and critical mother, and transferred that resentment to me.

None of the counselors could do anything with us. I hung in there for five years after Claire was born. Terry finally admitted that his resentment was so huge, he would never get rid of it. That's when I caved.

To outsiders we appeared to be the perfect, harmonious couple. Friends and neighbors were SHOCKED when we separated and divorced. I hate gossip and refused to discuss why we divorced. Naturally, family and friends took sides anyway.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 12
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 7:17:17 PM
thx for the replies.........gives me some insights that i might be able to pass along

its still weird though..........2 weeks ago they were looking at a new house............they just bought her a new car.....

i know they talked.....and i know he didnt ignore her.....they went a lot of places together...she went to "his stuff"....he went to hers...........[and neither one ever complained.......i know both pretty good]
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 13
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 7:32:20 PM
Well OP, they may have talked but you heard the kind of "talking" that is open for others to hear and is not at the personal level only a couple should share. The personal level that only a couple talk about behind closed doors is where you weren't allowed in and rightfully so. I understand you being shocked but we also need to understand that what we see in someone else is not necessarily what is really going on.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 14
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 7:37:29 PM
hard to say if he did something wrong or if she had some crisis of her own. This reminds me of the Laura Munson book, This Isn't the Story You Think It Is. Google it up. There's a NY Times article about it. Great story.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 15
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 8:15:36 PM
Sorry for your friend OP.

Having been around a LOT of people newly broken up before; I heard a lot of stories... and what one considers "good" I think to them is "comfortable".

And sometimes comfortable is complacent. Having many of the people being the ones "left" they were clueless that the other person was unhappy and by time the bombshell had been dropped, they had replacement in mind, living situation already settled, and had started the new wardrobe, the new "toys", the new whatever was going to be the next phase in life.

I agree with many, those who are the quietest sometimes are the most deeply unhappy. Maybe they were never alloed to speak their mind; but frequently they were told when they were young to be strong and stoic; and didn't know how to voice.

Others on the other side of the equation said they had been saying for ages tey were unhappy but the other person just blew it off as them being unreasonable or ridiculous. As long as they were comfortable it was all good.

So communication, feeding the passion for each other, doing fun things, making fun memories, all these are things that are important to staying in love. Without doing those things, once the communication stops and the passion stops, it becomes russian roulette whether it will stay a relationship, because BOTH people need to want to stay in. And there are a lot of distractions to people who start to "mentally or emotionally stray".

Best of luck to your friend, but no. It is not possible to lose your love overnight. It takes a long time; and it will not stay unless it's actively fed by BOTH parties.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 16
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 8:52:41 PM

its still weird though..........2 weeks ago they were looking at a new house............they just bought her a new car.....

i know they talked.....and i know he didnt ignore her.....they went a lot of places together...she went to "his stuff"....he went to hers...........[and neither one ever complained.......i know both pretty good]


I think it's pretty common for one or the other to be surprised when things end.

This reminds me of two other events surprised me or others.
---------------------------------------------
A young women I used to flirt with one day said she wanted to have an affair with me, I thought the wording was odd since she was single.

Three weeks after that she announced she was engaged to be married.

---------------------------------------------
A friend of our family had a daughter, about 35 years old. Her daughter, husband and children were planning to leave on a European vacation in 5 days.

Her daugher drove close to a train station, parked the car and commited suicide by standing front of a passing train.


You hear the same sort of story often, the spouse often is caught by surprise by what their signficant other had been doing.

Only thing I can suggest is pay very close attention to when a pattern of behaviour changes, ask questions and stay in close communications. When the story doesn't jive, keep asking questions, something is being hidden. Whatever is hidden is seldom a good thing.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 17
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 9:30:07 PM
He may or may not have been doing anything wrong, even in her eyes, she may have had one more thing go wrong and that was all she could take. Maybe she's been seeing someone and he left his wife, or some such thing. No one can know what goes on between a couple when they are alone.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 18
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 9:36:18 PM
OP: Babblingbrookes hit on the nail for me. Exactly what happened in my marriage. I bet your friend's wife shut down weeks/months ago, and prepared for the day she finally told her husband. It's very rare when things can turn around from that point on. Things always looking great from the outside in..... It's nice your friend has you to lean on as he will definitely need you. He will be ok. :)
 MsMaggieMay
Joined: 2/2/2013
Msg: 19
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 9:50:11 PM
Overnight? No,but this has been coming for a long time and maybe your friend just refused to see it. She may of been begging for attention and romance for years so as a temporary bandaid bought her a bouquet of flowers then went and sat down in front of the television for the rest of the night. Maybe he was a three pump chump and she was tired of being perpetually dissatisfied.
 lookinfouryoutoo
Joined: 7/31/2012
Msg: 20
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/19/2013 10:20:14 PM
My guess? She's got a boyfriend on the side. If she just got a car out of her husband she might have been sticking it out long enough to get that before she bailed on him. Funny how timing works like that, isn't it?
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 21
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/20/2013 1:15:42 AM
It seemed perfect because the truth wasn't out.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/20/2013 1:28:13 AM
I'll add in another possibility, which I have seen show up in lots of different ways, including marital breakups, as well as sudden career shifts, etc.

It's a phenomenon which could be called something like "expectation epiphany." That Laura Munson book title sounds as though it might touch on it.

Basically, a lot of us "write" our life stories in the background of our own waking lives, all the time that we are living it. From the moment we become aware, we begin developing a set of expectations, usually starting from the fundamental recognition that when we look at our parents and any other people we live with, we are looking at what species we are, and knowing that we are much more likely to turn out to be like them, than we are to grow up to be like the family pet.

Eventually, an entire novel's-worth of story line can build up.

When outward appearances seem to match expectations, many of us will cease to directly pay attention to what is actually going on, and be obliviously blind to reality itself, because the storyline running inside our heads, blocks out what is actually happening. We see and hear what we expect to see and hear. Our lives can be off course for a very long time, without us consciously realizing it, because ENOUGH things happen as we expect, that we reassure ourselves that everything's okay.

We might be either the person about to receive the epiphany, or we might be the person about to be blind-sided by our mate having it.

The trigger for the epiphany is usually a "signpost event." That can be reaching a certain age, or it can be some significant action that our mate takes, which "wakes us up" to the fact that we have actually been on the wrong path for a long time.

The fact that this break occurred right after the purchase of a car for her, and a new house was in the offing, might fit this sort of thing. She could have seen those two things as "here we go again" happenings, wherein he was buying her off from her real desires, with a change of scenery. She may have not even herself been aware that tension was building inside her about the mismatch between her inner dialogue and her life, until the trigger event forced her to recognize that she really didn't want to continue down the road she's on.


On a different tack entirely, this could be age panic, which is kind of the inside out version of the same thing. Lots of males are infamous for reaching a certain age, then apparently out of nowhere, panicking at the thought that they will never experience some adventure or another, and so they dump their long loyal wife, and run off with the first floozy who wants to "party like it's 1969." Women can have the same thing happen.

Anyway, right up to the moment of the epiphany, even the person who has it, wont see it coming.

On the "hope" end of things, sometimes the epiphany is the thing that's lying, and sometimes it's the script that was lying all along. I've seen both cases where the split was permanent, and each person took very different roads from then on; and I've seen times where the experience of the breaking away event, allowed both people to make a positive CHOICE to get together, and their relationship resumed, and was stronger than it had ever been.
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/20/2013 2:21:10 AM
Sometimes, not always of course, one thing that people don't understand about a long term relationship, for some odd reason, is that it will, or is supposed to, grow, evolve, and change - in a good way ideally. If you really are wanting a long term relationship, and love is part of the picture, then you're going to let it grow, and you're going to both try to grow together, instead of apart. The connections and love between you should manifest itself differently, and in additional ways, compared to how it was in the beginning, as time goes on...it's not supposed to just remain the same or feel the same way as in the beginning. But the ways in which it changes should be good ways - a "blossoming". If not, despite what the reason may appear to be, then somebody didn't have the right intentions or motivations, or understanding, in the very beginning.
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 24
falling out of love?
Posted: 10/20/2013 4:38:50 AM
Ever seen a cat chase the red dot laser ?
Everybody is laughing and having a good time at the acrobatics that the cat does to get that laser.....
what happens when the cat refuses to chase it any more ?.....?
What happens inside the head of the one that leaves (and it is 70% of women that file for divorce) .....
same same.

With the flick of a switch all that was - is over; but indeed - they have been stewing it for months.
The finally found the BBD out - and took it.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 25
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falling out of love?
Posted: 10/20/2013 4:47:54 AM

is it possible to just lose your love for someone overnight?


You have no idea what was said or done or if anything was building up, but

YES it is possible.

I have been cold-cocked in the heart and/or head and immediately lost every ounce of love over a few horrible words or finding out a deceit that was not acceptable in any way.
I think its more common than most realize.

ONE action/* whatever* can speak volumes of what you thought a person or relationship was and all feelings can die over it. At least for me.

However I suspect she has had some reservations about the relationship or thoughts about leaving for a while.
Maybe just weeks or much longer and keeping up a charade to get her things in order.
She could have been making plans as to how and when would be the best way/time if things did not change or get worse.

*Possibly* someone else in the picture, but certainly NOT a give me and never my reason for loosing love "overnight"

Usually these answers only come to light after a while.

Sometimes one never knows, but if it was a decent/good marriage for years, he should get the truth from her either by her words or actions ( what she does ,says and where she goes) soon.

He could have said something that was very personal in frt of others about her past life that embarrassed her to no end.
He could have broken some other code of privacy about their life to others after a drink or two.

She could have found out he had a secret bank account he hid from her or he told her something he did that was egregious in her mind in his recent past.

He could have gotten a bill for a hooker/ a gambling bill collector showed up at the door..You don't know what transpired and neither do we.

Something unacceptable to her transpired there if it was *overnight*imo.
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