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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Marriage, Is it a must???      Home login  
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 imlivin
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 1
Marriage, Is it a must???Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I was at a family get together this weekend and the discussion of re-marriage came up. One oppinion was that a marriage license has absolutly nothing to do with love or two people commiting to each other. That it is nothing more than a government contract that only comes into play for benifits and when a divorce happens. The other side was that people were meant to be married and that it is a must however they could not quote any specific reasons it's "a must". All this got me thinking and wondering about this question. Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 2
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:32:27 AM
"Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?"

I wouldn't bother me if "live with" was left out.

Don't get me wrong. I have had the successful till death do you part marriage. I am confident to say that we would still be married if he hadn't died.
However, I have lived alone for a long time. Surprise, surprise (to me too) I prefer it.

I could easily love, commit myself and be happy forever without being married or without living with the other person.
Time are changing, and more and more people choose to live alone.
Separate but together lives are possible.
 BabblingBrookes
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 3
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:40:01 AM

Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?


We all have different views on what a lifelong relationship looks like. None of these views are wrong, you just need to find someone who shares your viewpoint.

Could I commit myself to someone who would never marry me? No. I wouldn't even consider it. Marriage is more than a piece of paper to me and my family.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 4
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:46:35 AM
No, marriage is not a must for me. I don't need or even want someone making me promises that they may or may not be able to keep. I find statements such as "I will always love you" "My feelings will never change for you" etc to be insincere and dishonest. How can anyone know these things?

Knowing that my partner has options and the freedom to leave anytime he likes but chooses to stay with me is all need. It's all about genuine and sincere love for me. Would it hurt to lose someone, of course but if you can't handle the pain you're in no position to enter a healthy, growth oriented relationship in the first place.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 5
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:51:45 AM
One oppinion was that a marriage license has absolutly nothing to do with love or two people commiting to each other. That it is nothing more than a government contract that only comes into play for benifits and when a divorce happens.

It doesn't have to do with mere commitment or mere love. People should have been in love for quite a while + committed for quite a while before setting up their wedding plans. It's not just merely a "govt contract that comes into play" -- it's essentially recognizing you as a married couple and not to do it frivolously -- otherwise there's a penalty. Still not a worse penalty than the SO cheating on the other with the pool boy or pizza delivery girl.

The other side was that people were meant to be married and that it is a must however they could not quote any specific reasons it's "a must".

I don't see it as a "must". It's a cultural "must" if you've been living together for god-knows-how-many years, are like peas & carrots, and are aiming to have or have had children on the way.

But some folks see it as a "must" in life, which helps make people get together or more often Stay together (toward marriage) with the wrong person.

Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?

Sure. But I guess there'd have to be a good reason Not to get married. I mean, you can always have pre-nups. Solid ones that makes much cleaner breaks IF that were to happen.

Just as much as it'd concern me if a gal wanted to get married really quick and was obsessed about it, it'd concern me if she Never wanted to get married "just because". It's not just a govt thing but a cultural thing, a recognition / official stamp of a thing indefinitely -- so IF you've fit that mold with someone in an LTR that is more than merely functional, great, where you both have been in Love for so long -- I guess given enough time -- why not? No rush to speed up the wedding date unless kids are about to be had or wanted to be had quite soon... but yeah, I guess -- why any Avoidance under the right circumstances if everything's been in place for a long time? An escape hatch?
 imlivin
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 6
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 10:56:04 AM

I find statements such as "I will always love you" "My feelings will never change for you" etc to be insincere and dishonest. How can anyone know these things?

I think it is possible for someone to feel this way and be sincere when they say it but at the same time I think you have a point there are so many variables in life our feelings can change.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:14:40 AM
forever is an awfully long time. I can't imagine agreeing to forever with anyone for any reason, but I would certainly consider "until death do us part" with or without the state recognition. I can't think of a practical reason to get married at this point, though. are we writing each other into our respective wills??? s/he who dies last wins, woot give me all your stuff i'm having one hell of a garage sale.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 8
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:25:06 AM
Having been down the marriage road for 16.5 years and then through the divorce mill, I would say that for myself and for any man I can convince, marriage is a "must not."
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 9
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:28:23 AM

Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?


I could love, commit myself to and be forever without ever getting legally married. I'm not okay with living together though.

It's not that I don't think I'm capable of living with someone, I just rather have my own space, no obligations (having to be home by a certain time, someone waiting for me, can have company at anytime, can invite a friend to stay for a few days), no household chores, leave my house at any time to go anywhere with anyone, no one looking at what I do with/in my place and what times, etc.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 10
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:53:51 AM

The other side was that people were meant to be married and that it is a must however they could not quote any specific reasons it's "a must". All this got me thinking and wondering about this question. Could YOU love, live with, commit yourself to and be happy forever without ever getting legally married or would that bother you?


I would question the sincerity of your commitment.

I would pose the question, if you honestly are comitting to fowever, then why avoid marriage?

What people are actually saying IMO is I want to stay in a LTR with you, but want the option of being able to leave it at any time without any penailty or trouble.

Doesn't sound as nice that way,but that is the way it is.

Personally as long as a woman keeps me happy, I don't really feel like dating anyone else, so I wouldn't care if we were married or not.

But women I have dated have after a a year or 2, always wanted a commitmet like marriage, even when they at first said it wasn't on the agenda. So now I don't trust women to not change their minds.

Now based on what some women on the forums write about, I have no doubt about their sincerity on never wanting to get married, but those women aren't likely to be fun for me to date. Again based on all the other things they write about.

The short answer is of course marriage is not a must, it never has been, it depends on the people involved.
 imlivin
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 11
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:53:57 AM

you can always have pre-nups. Solid ones that makes much cleaner breaks IF that were to happen.


this was brought up during the discussion and the rebuttle was something along the lines of " if a marriage license is about love and not a contract about finances and possesions why do pre-nups exist?"
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 12
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 11:54:50 AM
if a marriage license is about love and not a contract about finances and possesions why do pre-nups exist?"

because the premise of the argument is not only false but absurd.
a license is a contract, but you cannot compel an emotional commitment someone isn't willing to keep.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 13
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 12:26:56 PM

because the premise of the argument is not only false but absurd.
a license is a contract, but you cannot compel an emotional commitment someone isn't willing to keep.


A license isn't a contract, but that technicality aside.

I agree a contract can't compel compliance with an emotional commitment, truth is a contact can't compel ANY sort of commitment.

People sign all sorts of financial contracts all the time and some eventually walk away without paying.

A contract of any sort only guarantees that you have thought through the commitment, and are sufficiently sure about making a commitment that you are willing to suffer financial penalties if you change your mind.

Also when children are involved, there are other considerations, and the Gov still has several laws that require one to be married. An most obvious example are immigration laws, not just for the USA but for every country in the world. There are other tax and Social Security reasons marriage might be better.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 14
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 12:36:17 PM

the rebuttle was something along the lines of " if a marriage license is about love and not a contract about finances and possesions why do pre-nups exist?"

Really bad counter. Pre-nups are part of a contract where *IF* you were to get a divorce... IF, then X,Y,Z. It doesn't threaten it any more than saying you-get-half / you-get-half. The pre-nup is not about marriage. It's about a divorce if one were to actually happen. It's about IF there were to be a divorce, an outline of who would get what about a handful of things. That concept already exists to varying degrees Anyway.

I don't plan on wrecking my car, but IF that were to happen -- oh wow, I'm covered so I wouldn't have to go through as much potential court drama, etc. Great! I'm going to crash it into a mailbox or care less about doing so, right?? No.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 15
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 12:41:06 PM
I've seen a lot of women who are totally obsessed with getting married as fast as possible-wanting the fairy tale fantasy immediately, but as soon as a guy mentions getting a pre-nup, it's lights out. They use the standard argument "A pre-nup is preparing for divorce. I am never getting divorced, so why would I agree to that?" But what marriage crazed people don't understand is getting "legally" married also has legal ramifications in divorce as well-usually in division of property and assets.

I'm not interested in chasing fairy tale fantasies, so if I met someone I can see sharing my life with, I would want to live together and take it from there. I'm not religious, so I don't see a need to have a religious person verify my life choices and commitment to someone in some ceremony. If a woman demands a wedding ceremony before committing to me, she's not the woman for me. She's more interested in the fantasy wedding than the marriage.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 16
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 12:48:29 PM
At my age, it's not really that important. I'm not raising children with anyone. And I've been married 3 times -- not sure I'm allowed any more chances. I could definitely commit myself without a piece of paper. Maybe I could just have the ring but not walk down the rocky road of matrimony? lol
 NewYorkFan1
Joined: 6/30/2013
Msg: 17
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 1:23:43 PM
Marriage is a must..
A must for the divorce attys that have to keep up their payments on their Benzes and to maintain the lavish lifestyles that they have grown accustomed to..

As for me, I will be perfectly content with falling in love and maybe living together, but as for marriage, I don't think so...
Been there, done that...
 DawnLuvs2Run
Joined: 8/8/2013
Msg: 18
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 2:07:03 PM
To marry or not likely depends on the two people involved. It should never be a "must". As for pre-nups, not sure about the US laws but in Canada even living together can entitle your ex to more of your stuff then perhaps you want to give him or her. Getting one in either situation is a good idea if one party has more assests then the other.

Some argue that having the document is setting one up for a future divorce. So does that mean when you buy life insurance, you are setting yourself up for death? It's just taking care of business.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 19
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 2:30:20 PM
And I've been married 3 times -- not sure I'm allowed any more chances.

my aunt always said if you can't get it right after 3 tries you should give up. I think she was married at least five times.


I could definitely commit myself without a piece of paper.

i could definitely commit myself (as in ) before getting married again but it would require a different piece of paper. sign here, 'burazururburururrbbbbtt'


A license isn't a contract, but that technicality aside.

edit: a marriage is a contract and a marriage license is evidence of the contract.


I agree a contract can't compel compliance with an emotional commitment, truth is a contact can't compel ANY sort of commitment.

but breaking a contract can compel financial or other performance. which is (for example) why deadbeat dads can have their wages garnished.

----------------------
Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.
---- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
---- Alan King

Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.
---- Eddie Cantor
 wolvesatthedoor
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 20
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 2:32:18 PM
Hey I used to think everyone should try marriage once. Now I think that anyone who does is crazy!
 Beauregard63
Joined: 7/15/2013
Msg: 21
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 2:44:07 PM
Marriage is a must only if one of both parties feel that it is. It is certainly a must for a woman whose goal it is to get their MRS.

I have been in a couple of relationships that have ended because the woman I was with felt that marriage was a must and I did not.... after all these year of not getting married I think I shall remain unmarried ... to each their own.

I'm with poster #2 I could also happily live without living with.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 22
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 3:01:08 PM
Yup, you can. The thing is that society places a lot of pressure on woman to be married at a certain age. But whether or not a legal document is placed on what you and someone else has....it still exist. The question is can you find someone who treats marriage like icing on the cake and is not demanding you to do it?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 23
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Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 3:48:20 PM
I'd like to point out:

* that things like pre-nuptial agreements, when correctly done, are there to REMOVE financial considerations from the worries of the two people. When done right, they allow people to marry for love, or whatever else they are focused on, alone.

* that marriage didn't always exist, yet people remained together anyway.

* that one can obtain a marriage license, and never marry.

* that a marriage license is far less of an indication that one knows how to be married, than a drivers license is that one knows how to drive.

* that in many locations, if you live with someone long enough, you WILL be married whether you want to be or not.

* that "is a must" is one of those annoying idiomatic phrases which doesn't really say anything factual or non-factual, it's just pushy-sounding.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 24
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 3:52:24 PM
I can love and be committed to someone, but do NOT want to live with much less get married.

I like my freedom, my stuff, and my space way too much for that.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 25
Marriage, Is it a must???
Posted: 11/4/2013 3:55:27 PM
Yes, it's a must for me. I wouldn’t take someone seriously if he didn’t want to marry one day. And I'd assume he isn’t taking me seriously either. But I did go through a period of thinking I never wanted to get married again.
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