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 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 1
My family is very importantPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
As an older guy just about all the women in my age group have kids, mostly grown and gone but a very large percentage of women declare that their family is very important in their lives. I find it very odd to bring the subject up at all. Realistically we all love family. It is like saying I like air or food. So I find myself asking, "What are these women really saying?" and they want me to respond with the same ideas. I love my family to bits but if I get into a new relationship my partner will come first. It looks to me that these women are really saying "You will always be second to my family, get used to it!" I have no idea how they expect to be treated with respect to my family but is this a code for a relationship that will never be close? A partnership of convenience? If you have posted this in your profile please explain what you mean by it.


If a lady is close to her family I'd consider that a good indicator of her being able to care for others. At least, I've noticed this to be true in most close knit families.
The above quote, speaks volumes. I hope never to be in my GF's shoes. .....................IMO, If a man is put off by a woman stating in her profile "My family is very important", or "I am first and foremost family oriented," then they would not be compatible. To each his own. Some of us ladies have healthy, loving, caring, relationships with our families. This does not imply we are "into everyone's business". Quite the opposite........................Edited: Browneyesboo, VERY WELL SAID!




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 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 2
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My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 12:23:06 PM
"What are these women really saying?"

Best to ask them.

"very large percentage of women declare that their family is very important in their lives."

A lot of men do the same.

Some people don't have a life of their own outside their family.

"You will always be second to my family, get used to it!"

Some people will think that way, some will not.

If you find a profile that really interests you, all you can do is ask how important a future partner will be to them.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 3
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 12:32:57 PM
That is a fair answer but assuming you have family what would be the status of a new partner in your life?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 4
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My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 12:48:55 PM
"assuming you have family what would be the status of a new partner in your life?"

Why do people assume that?

I have no living family. I can't be the only person in that situation.

Does that mean that I would be questioned as to whether I am unsuitable dating material because I don't have a family?

How about talking to a person and finding out if they have created a single lifestyle for themselves with many activities outside of a family if they have one?
If they are active in their own interests, then you have to find out if they are compatible with you.

""You will always be second to my family, get used to it!" "

If you have more than one child, which comes first?

The whole idea of one person, or one group of people coming first makes no sense to me.

I have several long term friends. None are more important that the other.

I am quite capable of loving more than one person. I am able to split my time with multiple people.

The thought that it is me or you family makes no sense to me.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 5
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My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 12:50:59 PM
My son is first and will continue to be first in my life, and if those that are interested in knowing me better and having a relationship at all, do not understand this and respect it, then they should move on and not wast either of our time.

How can you with a family that has been long established, feel you could make them second class citizens in your life when another enters it? No true romantic person that respects the other and themselves, would ever force that person to choose, and would be happy to be elevated to the position that this person holds their family within their body, soul, and mind.

I would never ask someone to choose between me and family, and rather just enjoy them for who and what they are, not what I want them to be for me. If you are not there with this, deep down inside, then you should only date and have relationships with those women that have no family, or discounts them as much as you do yours.

cd
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 12:56:02 PM

A partnership of convenience?


That pretty much sums it up. It's like younger women who put in their profile "My kids are my whole life". That means you're handy to have around, but you will never be numero uno.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 7
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 1:09:54 PM
No offence intended. If you have no family then the question simply does not apply to you. That is all, nothing more.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 8
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My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 1:20:17 PM
"No offence intended. If you have no family then the question simply does not apply to you. That is all, nothing more."

It does apply to me just as much as it applies to you. I see the profiles of people who list themselves as being all about their family.
If I might be interested in that person, I need to find out if that person's idea of a date is helping them babysit etc.
Are they the type of person looking to have a date to go to family functions only, or do they have a life outside of the time they spend with their family.

I think the average person is quite capable of wanting it all.

"some people they think it makes you a better person if you are close to your family...."

I have always wondered how people figure that.

Some are close to family, some not, some don't have families. Why are people some times judged on any of those things?
 Theme_Pack
Joined: 5/3/2013
Msg: 9
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 1:45:24 PM
I have family....I don't get along with any of them, haven't seen or heard from them in ages and don't care to. We were never close for personal reasons....I think that's what they want to know...because for some people they think it makes you/them a better person if you/they are close to family....

What's that scenario. If your boat was sinking, both your wife and your child are unconscious, who would you save....
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 10
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 1:55:48 PM
Theme pack: Yes, this makes a kinda sense but then again if your family are a bad lot and you are a decent person it can hardly reflect on you for who they are. It is not totally logical but I suspect a low percentage may feel that way. I'm much more inclined to think it is a code that you will never be allowed into the family with the status of a true partner. It is certainly a problem and I think it needs to be thought through because I have no intention of ever becoming a second class member of anything ever again. btw I have posted other replies but I might have messed up. If this one goes thru I will know what I did wrong and will try again.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 11
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 1:59:46 PM
To moraima: Well yes, it applies to you if you ask the question but it does not apply to you if you are required to answer. In other words you stand with me and ask the same question. Gets philosophical quickly, yoiks!
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 12
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 2:11:11 PM
deacon: When you were married there must have been conflicts between your wife's needs and our son's needs. Now I'm not talking life and death issues here, just every day living. If you always put your son's needs first no matter what then no wonder you are divorced. We raise our kids to leave home and live their own lives but our partners are for ever. Our partners have to come first with most things. When a new partner arrives on the scene they have to be given exactly the same status or they become second class citizens (your term). This is not an acceptable position for anybody, man or woman. My love for my family is totally secure and cannot be harmed by my giving privilege to a new partner. If your relationship with your son would be damaged by you giving preference to a new partner then I would conclude that your son is very immature and/or your relationship is very shallow. My love for my kids and their love for me cannot be shaken by trivialities. Partners are special, family is for ever.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 13
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 2:17:12 PM
To maleman: my thoughts exactly. Thanks for your support
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 14
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 2:21:21 PM
to theme pack: "What's that scenario. If your boat was sinking, both your wife and your child are unconscious, who would you save...."
This is not a comparable situation. We are not talking life and death we are talking every day little things. There is not an answer to Sophie's choice. It is the horns of a dilemma or a rock and a hard place. Any answer will be used against you by your enemies and for you by your friends.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 15
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My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 3:38:59 PM
it appears to me that the OP posed a question he had already determined
he "knew" the answer to and, despite no evidence for that decision ... and
despite other posters' opinions ... he "knows" the answer to be the answer
he came up with originally ... i.e., "my family is very important" is code for
something else ...

to quote Donnie Dark in "Butterflies are Free," "there are none so blind
as those will not see" ...

I don't have that statement in my profile but, if I did have it, I would mean
something along the lines of ... hmmm ... "my family is very important" so
if, for some reason, you don't understand how a person's family could be very
important to them, we're not going to be compatible ...

I wouldn't be saying anything at all about the level of importance I would give
to a new partner because that would depend on the partner and the quality of
our relationship ... how could a person determine before meeting someone
how important this unknown person would be ...

I'm with Moraima when she said, if you don't understand what was meant by
some line in a profile, ASK ...
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 16
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 4:37:40 PM
What does it mean? It means that my family is important to me.
It means that like many women my age, I have encountered men who expect to always be first ahead of everyone else.

I means that anyone in my life has to understand that there will be times when they will not come first, there are times when someone else will be my priority. Will I treat them as a second class citizen? Of course not, but they won't always come first.

(and note, just because they are grown up, does not make them any less my children)
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 17
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:00:28 PM
Even if their family is number one, you can still be the number one romantic partner.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 18
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:24:23 PM
Hi Molly,
Just as soon as a poster uses ad hominem we get the picture. When you cannot support a position attack the poster. When the message is unpleasant kill the messenger. In my books the notion that family could ever be unimportant is quite silly so the question is why is this phrase used so much? I think it is a reasonable question and my suggestion that it is a code for something else is also reasonable. It is simply a truism that if your family comes first then your partner must come second. I am totally secure with my family and I am totally secure putting my partner first and I have no doubt my family would agree to the arrangement because they are all secure in their own skins.
In your world a new partner must earn his/her level of importance. In my world a partner is first or not at all. It is two different views of life. I'm suggesting to you that a partnership where the partner is second class and must continually "earn" his or her position cannot work. Just as a mother and father must maintain a united front together when raising children a new partner must be given the same status so that nothing or no one can come between them and believe you me, if a couple show weakness in this direction then somebody will get between them. It is a weakness that will eventually break them apart.
That is my position, now if you can offer other ideas without resorting to personal insults let's hear them and let's debate because this issue is fundamental to successful partnerships when family is involved.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 19
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:33:55 PM
To Hamilton: restating the statement is simply shouting louder a phrase that is not understood. It does not qualify as an explanation. If you were my partner you would be the most important person in my life and my kids would respect that. If you can't say the same about me then I'm second class compared to your kids. I suggest you need to cut the apron strings and let those kids fly free. I raised mine (myself) to be independent and strong and self sufficient and all three of them (girls) are just that. They are adults with kids of their own and they will always love Dad but they wouldn't dream of influencing me in any way with respect to a new partner. I respectfully suggest that my way is more mature than yours.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 20
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:34:37 PM

I'm much more inclined to think it is a code that you will never be allowed into the family with the status of a true partner.


That’s quite a leap. Do you make that assumption if a woman states that her dog is important to her, or her job, or her hobbies, or her activism, or anything else in her life? Are you looking for a woman with nothing in her life but you?


It is certainly a problem and I think it needs to be thought through because I have no intention of ever becoming a second class member of anything ever again.


So you’re projecting. Probably you should heal from your last mistake before you go making a new one.

moraima:
Some are close to family, some not, some don't have families. Why are people some times judged on any of those things?


Because if you don’t follow along with the status quo it can blow some people’s minds. When confronted with differences they don’t know how to react or behave, because no one has shown them how to previously…they don’t like that uncomfortable feeling, so there must be something wrong with YOU.

This time of year is particularly brain washing, what with all the soggy sappy holiday commercials selling the virtue of spending as much money as possible on loved ones to show how much you care.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 21
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:45:07 PM
^^^^Don't see what Molly said so much as an attack on you but rather as the truth and you have proven with this post.


It is simply a truism that if your family comes first then your partner must come second. I am totally secure with my family and I am totally secure putting my partner first and I have no doubt my family would agree to the arrangement because they are all secure in their own skins.


What this sounds like to me is someone who doesn't not understand that he is not the centre of the universe (yes I insulted you). I am secure, my family is secure, my guy is secure and so is his family. However, if our kids need us, that is where we will be. It is called being a parent. There are many things that come first at different times. Do I try for it to be my guy as much as possible, of course I do and he does the same but, my job sometimes has to come first, he business sometimes has to come first. My kids and his sometimes are the top priority. Sometimes it is his mom, sometimes it is a friend whose need is greater than ours. It is called being part of family, a community and being a caring and compassionate human being.


In your world a new partner must earn his/her level of importance. In my world a partner is first or not at all. It is two different views of life. I'm suggesting to you that a partnership where the partner is second class and must continually "earn" his or her position cannot work.


In my world, I would never dump my family or friends for a "new" partner, they are all part of my life. Again the example earlier of do you love child more than the other? Of course not. Anyone new in our lives needs to earn their place there and I can tell you that some guy I have just started dating is not going to be in the number one position all the time. H3ll, no one gets the top position all the time.

I have a different type of relationship in that it is an LDR combined with my guy runs an international business that requires his attention. We don't get to see each other nearly as often as we would like to and sometimes visits get cancelled because he needs to be else where and sometimes he arrives with minimal notice due to a change in plans. I try to change my schedule so that I can spend as much time with him as possible, but it doesn't always work that way. Why? Because he is not the only person in my life.

IMO anyone who expects to always be first in their partner's life is setting themselves up for perpetual failure, kids or none, family or none, there is no way you can always be first.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 22
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:48:45 PM
To sapphire eyes: You make a really good point that parenting continues forever but involves saying "No". Very astute. I do agree that asking would be a good move but let's face it people lie and once the question is asked the cat is out of the bag and defenses go up. I suspect that this family thing is a sort of insight into their true intentions and is written without thought for what is really meant. When I wrote my profile it didn't occur to me to say anything about my family and I was rather surprised that others did. Methinks they protesteth too much. The very notion that family could ever not be important is foreign to me. No family can be as close as mine so I become suspicious if others feel the need to mention it. In other words I smell a rat!
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 23
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 6:55:39 PM
To Opp ; Reading profile after profile there seems to be a very similar theme . Women want a relationship when they have some spare time for one . Unfortunately a relationship will not exist for very long under those circumstances . In many of the profiles it is as the Opp states , they are basically letting men know they will always be low on the priority list . They deserve all the players and pick up artists since they have pretty much driven most of the so called good men off with their infantile games .
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 24
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 7:02:02 PM
to Hamilton: you are taking the debate to an extreme. You are using emergency situations to justify day to day situations which I specifically said were what I was talking about. It still does not answer the question of why family importance is mentioned at all. Any decent human being will help out when needs must. Why spell it out? Nobody is getting "dumped". You are putting words into the conversation that were never there and never intended and then implying that I would "dump" my kids. This is dishonest debate pure and simple. If you cannot compete in the theatre of ideas don't get into it.
 ArtisteRoyale
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 25
My family is very important
Posted: 11/9/2013 7:08:37 PM
To Fleuron: Your quote of my quote "It is certainly a problem and I think it needs to be thought through because I have no intention of ever becoming a second class member of anything ever again."
You assume too much. I was referring to a situation when I was a second class citizen because of race in another country. Nothing to do with relationships between two people, but I see no difference when it applies to a personal relationship. Second class is second class is second class, no projection needed.
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