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 mikecheck44
Joined: 10/18/2012
Msg: 1
Honesty about lack of chemistry?Page 1 of 1    
Here is a thing I told a girl friend of mine on Friday during a conversation we were having (we met three weeks ago through a Meetup.com event). I will say I enjoyed her company, and she knows this. However, I never made a move despite actually feeling that she was very compatible with me due to a lack of a spark or any chemistry it seemed. Something wasn't quite feeling right. So here is the words I said to her: "I'll be honest with you. I would date you, and I think you're great girl. The problem is I am sensing there isn't a spark here, and I kinda sense you might have realized this as well." She laughed it off and we continued talking and hanging out for a couple hours even laughing together and enjoying our time together. The funny thing is in the past, after having a similar situation happen, I did feel a spark later on (although not acted on because this person had a boyfriend). I also notice that my smoking habit may have played a role in it since she keeps telling me "Quit smoking."

My question is this. Would you even consider hanging out with a guy after he tells you something along the lines of "I'm not feeling this spark"? Or would you feel too hurt to see the person's face again?
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 2
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Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 1:54:26 PM
I wouldn't feel "too hurt" - after only part of 1 date.

I just wouldn't waste my time, so I'd move on.

but, unlike the lady in question, I wouldn't bother to date a smoker since I also wouldn't want a relationship with same.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 3
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Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 2:39:30 PM
She apparently doesn't like smoking. Maybe it's time to move on. Smoking, for me and many others, is a deal breaker.
 VinceR
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 4
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 3:24:14 PM
In a lot of cases, people don't care if you feel a spark or not. What matter is what they feel. If they want to be with you, then they'll continue to try to win you over or pretend that they're ok with just being friends even after you've told them that you're not interested. The mature thing to do is to stop playing softball ("I'd date you, but I don't feel anything." wtf does that even mean?), and tell her that you're not interested. If she chooses to stop talking to you and seeing you, then so be it. Pulling punches so that she'll keep hanging out with you is pretty cowardly and selfish.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 5
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 3:40:39 PM
Would you even consider hanging out with a guy after he tells you something along the lines of "I'm not feeling this spark"?

another friend zone question, oh boy.

if the feelings were more or less mutual, it wouldn't be a problem. but on the other hand, I don't make it a practice of trying to turn failed or lukewarm dates into friends.

in general, when meeting people on dating sites, so much revolves around rejection or the perception thereof. "I would date you BUT" is trying a little to hard to let someone down gently, IMO. a simple "I don't think we're a good match" or words to that effect would suffice and is perfectly unequivocal without hurting anyone's feelings by pointing out their deal-breaker flaw(s).
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 6
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 4:01:17 PM
Eh, I might hang out with the guy, but probably only in group activities. After only 1 lukewarm date, I wouldn't be hurt, but I wouldn't also be desperate to change the guy's mind.
 mikecheck44
Joined: 10/18/2012
Msg: 7
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 4:08:14 PM
I will only post one more time here.... this was not the first date, it was the fifth date.
 justagrlwithacat
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 8
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 5:18:17 PM
I wouldn't, no. I'm here to hopefully meet someone that can end up long term. You've made it clear it wasn't me (her), so I'm going to skidaddle and move on...lost interest at that point. That's just me though, obviously I can't speak for her or know what her cut off points are.
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 9
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 6:38:37 PM
I'm trying to understand if spark and chemistry are equated with time and how it is shared together, or if it's the kind of thing that only concerns itself with arousal. The two are not inclusive I've found so far.

If two people feel no mutual spark after a short time together, it's going to be awfully strange spending considerable amounts of time hanging out. So I probably wouldn't hang out. And I wouldn't be hurt. It would seem a bit redundant even. And, well, if the spark waxes and wanes then, sure, there's something to work with, but it's going to take considerable effort to find that right balance. Some are not up to that particular challenge; I am one of them. It seems you may still be questioning it.

There are other situations, I've learned, where it just works from the get-go and life is peachy-keen. I sometimes wonder what that would be like, but I'm not really there you know, not really getting that every day, let's be on each others soapbox, kind of thing. Not today, anyway.

It's tough ... all of this relationship building stuff is tough.

At the end of the day though, there definitely exists a huge, gaping disconnect between being friends, possibly being lovers and/or being lovers already. Even without the dating and relationship part.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 7:27:55 PM
If I've only known you three weeks and you tell me I'm in the friend category...why would I be upset? I just met you, I would have no idea if I felt much for you yet either. I know people say they know in a second and all that jazz and if something is really off putting you can know right away but the just getting to know someone part and so far liking to be around them, there's no way anyone can tell if they may fall for someone or not. It's too early. The people who say they just know right away, usually they have said that to 100 other people too. They happen to be people who like that instant infatuation and then fall right out of it just as quickly, or are the cling-ons. You were honest with her, now she can decide how she feels. At this point it doesn't matter if she wants to be your friend or if she wants to move on. And really, how could I know if I wanted someone as a friend after only 3 weeks, that's how people get hooked with 'friends' they wish they could dump. It takes time to really know if someone is going to be a good friend or lover. I prefer to give people time to show who they are, before I jump to labels and inviting people into my life.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 11
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/10/2013 8:44:15 PM
Good GAWD - nobody wants a consolation prize in dating! NOBODY! It doesn't matter how nice you say it. You can let her down from 10,000 feet into 9,999 feet of soft feathers and there's still NOTHING that can stop them from complaining about being 'dumped' or hating you for it. You just have to decide to do it and grow a pair and admit the truth.

I don't understand why a guy would have a problem with using the 'No Chemistry' excuse when it's the most common female escape method on the planet!
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 12
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 5:29:51 AM
this was not the first date, it was the fifth date.

what difference does it make? although it does sorta beg the question of why you took pains to date this woman 5 times when you were so blasé about her anyway.
 sN0Flakes
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 13
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 6:07:19 AM

The funny thing is in the past, after having a similar situation happen, I did feel a spark later on (although not acted on because this person had a boyfriend).


You'd like to build up the bullpen in case Jesse's girl doesn't become available?

Your problem is your attention span like a child in a toy store. "I want this one.....no...that one....wait...I think I want the first one" I'm not sure you have a solid concept of "spark" or "chemistry" and have a piston misfire issue. Replace your timing belt.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 14
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 10:37:51 AM
My question is this. Would you even consider hanging out with a guy after he tells you something along the lines of "I'm not feeling this spark"? Or would you feel too hurt to see the person's face again?


I would continue to hang out with him for the great time. I'll eventually meet someone I'm more interested in and would like to spend more time with them.

Do you mean like continue to hang around even if you really like that person but that person is saying they don't feel the spark? no, that would be a waste of time, I can keep meeting people.

I'm in a similar situation right now. I met a great guy, we have loads in common, I always get home super late when I go out on dates with him, we always have something to talk about, etc. I don't feel sparks at all, but I'd like to keep hanging out with him. We're going on our 3rd date soon, and after that, I'll have to communicate that I just don't feel it. I'd like to keep him around as a friend but I run the risk of him not wanting to see me again as I don't feel the way he probably feels about me. Let's see if he still would like to continue to see me after that. I doubt the "spark" would develop as time goes by, as it is precisely something he can't change that's driving me away (no, its not his height, lol).

If he still wanted to see me, I wouldn't object to it, I'd just have to draw some boundaries so he doesn't think I'll change my mind about him after some time.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 15
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Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 10:57:48 AM
My question is this. Would you even consider hanging out with a guy after he tells you something along the lines of "I'm not feeling this spark"? Or would you feel too hurt to see the person's face again?


I wouldn't feel hurt if it was a first meet. I would test it with a kiss first if there was any doubt if there could be a spark or not, if that opportunity arises and it felt right. Sometimes you get a pleasant surprise :) Of course, I wouldn't initiate an unwanted kiss or kiss someone I was not obviously not interested in that way.
 Bearfish13
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 16
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 11:02:30 AM
These threads dont stop do they???

um.. i think when your 5 dates in, and you havent made any moves and she still wants to see you then at this point do something, make a move, it doesnt have to be cold turkey but it has to be something
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 12:24:10 PM
OP, you clearly have an unusual definition of the word "date."


"I would date you"


This, after the FIFTH date? What were the other four called?

Anyway. What this sounds like to me, is that your REAL problem is not what you are working on, nor asking us to help you deal with.

Your REAL problem is, that you don't actually know what the hell SPARK actually is.

That's what you need to focus on. You say you "felt a spark later on" in a previous similar relationship, and fear that this is a repeat. What you needed to learn that last time, and didn't, is that your calm feelings of fun and comfort, that lead you to keep wanting to spend more time with the person, ARE the way "spark" feels to you. If you wait until you feel a nervous panicky feeling of jitters about them, that is likely again to actually be the "oops! Too late!" alarm you are sensing. Not "spark."
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 18
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Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/11/2013 1:27:57 PM
I wouldn't be hurt.She wasn't hurt.

Me thinks if she had felt a spark and grabbed your upper thigh you would have jumped on it and felt fireworks yourself.

You felt she didn't feel it because of her body language or lack of touching/kissing you and said it because you probably got tired of paying for dates when she wasn't getting frisky because she thinks you stink.

You dont smoke in front of non smokers, esp if they comment on it.
 mikecheck44
Joined: 10/18/2012
Msg: 19
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/12/2013 2:31:18 PM
Thank you all for the replies. I don't mean to make this long, or write a story.

I did stop smoking in front of her. And I will admit there was some confusion in the body language as well (play with her hair, but lean away as I get close to her). Eventually, the smoking was brought up. I don't remember paying for her when we were out, but offered a couple times to see her pay for herself anyway. I was far less concerned about sleeping with someone than I was in the past due to the awkward feelings it seems to bring out when it happens too soon.

Out of the guys replying. I will have to admit that I think Igor just about nailed it. The details of the previous girl I mentioned (the one with the boyfriend), she had the boyfriend when I met her. A situation occurred when hanging out with her that made me think about making a move. I never had a feeling of "Oops, too late" with that person. I just didn't want to repeat a mistake I made prior to meeting her (getting involved with someone who had a boyfriend). Eventually, I found out she was thinking the same thing as I was in that moment.

As this new scenario played out. I was warned by an older friend a couple weeks ago about the maturing process. Eventually, that level of excitement of getting involved with people disappears and you stop letting things happen so quickly. I noticed it happening. this conversation on Friday does seem somewhat self-defeating when I look back at it. This new girl was definitely more mature than what I was used to.

Igor. I feel I appreciate your insight the most. Thank you again.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 20
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/12/2013 9:11:46 PM
Before you let out honesty--"feelers", know what you want.

It's unclear if you wanted a date--seems so, but "something" made you doubt, then you informed the woman--very ineffectual/neurotic-not attractive to have no filters, don't do that if you want a friend or date. It's clumsy and presumptuous.
Behave as a friend or date, see if her signs say go away or come closer. Or be direct but know wth you want first, not hem haw"great gal..but .."
Smoking def might have kicked you out of it anyhow and a lot of people don't budge on that.
 eugene1990
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 21
Honesty about lack of chemistry?
Posted: 11/13/2013 6:07:04 PM
her lack of interest is ur limiting reactant
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