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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?      Home login  
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 burtsr
Joined: 12/11/2010
Msg: 1
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Last week I was hanging out with a guy from work, he's not necessarily someone I'm very close with or even like that much. We got out of work early so we hung out and went over to his place to watch a movie, completely as friends with nothing to do.

I'm a bit older than him, he's an undergraduate intern and I'm a graduate research assistant so sometimes he asks me things about sex, relationships, etc. just for the sake of knowing. I'm kind of a tomboy so I don't really read into these things or consider it flirting...because its not, I know when I was young and innocent I used to ask my older friends tons of weird questions.

Well anyways, there was still no sexual tension, it was simply talk. As the movie continues he mentions that I have really nice breasts and sarcastically asks if he can touch them. He's that type of personality so I didn't think much of it. After about the 8th time of asking I blurted out 'if you really want to touch them then you better stop asking and just ****ing grab them.' That shut him up for a bit but after awhile he manned up and copped a feel.

He keeps trying to take things a step further and I deny it because I remembered him mentioning a gf a month ago but he dismissed when I asked so I assumed they were over. Plus, I knew he was a virgin and he had only received a blowjob from one other girl before and I didn't feel right....even though he was the one pushing everything. I'll admit, I could have gotten up and walked away at any moment but I've been single for awhile and it was kind of empowering and exciting to have someone who isn't super experienced practically beg to touch you. He ended up kissing and sucking on my chest and then I ended up giving him a bj.

Afterwards it went fine, not super awkward. He rewinded the movie so I could see the end of it then I gave him a hug and drove home. I didn't see him at work at all the following 3 days but that's not unusual because we are in different departments.

Last night I log in on the computer and notice two things, he STILL has a gf, and he unfriended me. Obviously I feel like slut because I've been cheated on before but at the same time, I didn't realize that he was in a steady relationship....especially because he's innocent and doesn't go around manipulating women on a regular basis. He's not the type of guy I'd really expect to cheat.

I sent him a message along the lines of 'hey, you unfriended me? can we not make things awkward? things don't have to change and im going to see you all the time at work anyways so it's not worth being weird and unfriending me. i thought youd have the decency to still respect me as a friend as i do you.' Because seriously, I'm really laidback and get along more with guys...I don't hold on to drama or get clingy around men and am capable of not letting past actions or issues get involved in my day-to-day interactions so I got really pissed off when I saw he had to complicate this by unfriending me.

His response was along the lines of 'basically i'm thinking we are at where we were Tuesday not wednesday (Wednesday is the day we hooked up) because it is not happening again and sure we're friends but please don't make it a big deal or personnel. i don't know what youre talking about on fb because youre still on my friends list.' to me, the undertone of this reads 'im not falling for your seduction tactics again you manipulative ****.' and now i'm really ****ing confused.

When I was an undergrad I was the typical female who would blow up a guys phone and worry about things, now i don't play clingy and I never chase guys. I just let things happen. I didn't send any flirty messages after we hooked up, i didn't even talk to or see see him. We have had zero contact between that night and when I asked him about the FB thing. Plus, this is someone I see on a regular basis anyways, what is the point of unfriending me? We were friends before and we are going to have to work together again so it seems silly to me. Is this just a difference in age and maturity because I really don't know what I did wrong (he's 20, I'm 25). I didn't whip out my****when I had a gf.

And yes, I've already said what a piece of shit I feel like now that I know he had a gf. But I'm single, 25, assumed he was single, and like giving head so after saying no a good 50 times I realized that I didn't have much to lose.

How can I get over this so things aren't weird in the workplace?, Normally the girl is the **** to has to complicate things so I'm not used to the guy being the weird one. I'm tempted to say that he's just really ashamed and it's his way of coping by fooling himself into thinking that I was the one who took advantage of him. I'm normally pretty good at reading people but I'm pretty stumped
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 2
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 11:38:19 AM
So are you still on his FB friends list? Cuz if so, that clears up some of the issue here. There’s no subtle message-sending going on there. Things between you would be back the way they were before. Except he mislead you about having a girlfriend. Maybe he didn't want you to see that on FB?

I think you both got yourselves into a tempting sexual situation. He fudged the truth about his single status. You aren’t quite as unconcerned about sex-in-the-workplace as you expected to be – at least not now when you find out he mislead you.

So… sex is powerful, juicy and tempting. You’re both young. Let’s all wave hands in the air everyone who hasn’t allowed their sexuality to lead them into a compromising situation at some point in their lives. I’ll keep mine in my pockets.

There may not be an easy way out of this. But I don’t see any clear wrong-doing on your part.

Be prepared to take the occasional condescending, slut-shaming shyt-kicking here in the forums however. This kind of thread tends to turn into a feeding frenzy.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 3
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 11:45:59 AM
This is one of those "live...and hope you learn" situations.

Next time, save sexual contact for boyfriends you are involved with monogamously. Never underestimate the power of sexual contact. It changes everything.

You will never get a satisfactory answer from him. Work will probably be awkward for a while. Things dont automatically go back to normal, but you can move on and hopefully learn from this. Even at 25, from what I've read here, you need to still do a bit of maturing too.

I dont see him as being "weird" here...you were both involved in a momentary bit of sexual contact, he was "begging" you, that was flattering (and empowering!) so you got went ahead with it. You were both equally involved. And not dating. And just friends.

Please dont play the victim because you wont learn from it. Realize you were an equal part of the equation and next time save sex for someone special.

And also remember that genital herpes can be passed on as oral herpes. If anything, this should help you make better decisions about who to express your sexuality with.



 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 4
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Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 11:47:45 AM
Forget about FB. This guy is not so innocent, and he's certainly manipulating. He sounds like a player, and you got played. This guy is also a coworker. There is a reason why you should never get involved in any with a coworker. I have a feeling this is not going away. Wonder what HR will say if he talks?
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 5
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 11:56:18 AM
You're wasting time giving it any thought whatsoever or feeling bad. It's over, he was jerk about it. You need not give him any consideration at all. Live your life. Don't put yourself in situations that feel bad to you. Don't pretend you are friends or worry about fb. He'a an immature 20 yr old. You do need to protect yourself from stds and you didn't. I doubt fwb/fb work for you based on your reactions.
 burtsr
Joined: 12/11/2010
Msg: 6
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:02:02 PM
Thanks for everyone's concern with my sexual health. This isn't a normal thing for me, this is the only time I've had any type of one nighter....I've never hooked up with anyone while drunk, etc. Actually I drank alcohol for the first time two months ago, despite my age, so I'm a pretty well behaved kid. I've also always used condoms, even with my ex I was with for four years so I try to stay very safe.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 7
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:05:10 PM
If nothing else, this could be a good opportunity for you to strengthen some boundaries after the fact.

Let your actions and emotions be your responsibility and let his be his. Draw that imaginary line for yourself. This is something you do internally, inside.

That could mean that you don’t blame him, you don’t mind-read him, you don’t take responsibility for his actions or his relationships with others.

And you don’t let him (or anyone else) make you feel guilty or inferior for their negative feelings or problems or attitudes, etc., or take their comments personally.

This doesn’t mean you have no responsibilities to others. He might have been vulnerable. You might choose to walk away next time. But maybe not. It’s your life, it’s your sexuality, you’re a woman in progress. g'luck
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:14:00 PM
Just a possibility:

When it comes to Facebook, SOME people who have girlfriends/boyfriends, allow (either on purpose or by accident) for their gf/bf to look at their Facebook page while THEY are signed in. Perhaps his actual girlfriend decided to "unfriend you" using his login, because she knows what happened.

What did happen sounds rather "kids in college do sexual stuff for the dumbest reasons," so that's pretty unimportant.

Two other points:

1) you say you USED to be clingy, but are not now. Lots of times when people make an overall change, they leave a lot of related behaviors and habits in place, and don't "tidy up" so to speak. Smokers who have quit, sometimes keep ashtrays everywhere around them, keep matches and lighter fluid in stock, and generally continue to do all sorts of little "smoker" things, even though they no longer actually smoke. Some of how you are reacting to this situation reminds me of that, the way you are hung up on thinking that he is "acting weird" and how he shouldn't do that, even as you say that you really don't care about the details. You are doing everything a clingy person does, EXCEPT for not actually clinging to the guy.

2) you say that he does have an official gf. That means that he has to deal with his own clumsy cheating with you, and continue to deal with you in your mutual classes/work. Even if he isn't as thoughtless as your joint actions make him out to be, that means that he has to take the time and do the work involved with putting all that in perspective, rearranging how he thinks and deals with you, and how he deals with his gf. That's complicated even for people who DO have brains in their heads bigger than the ones in their trousers, so he's not likely to rearrange himself quickly. If he had done so, that would have indicated to me that he was very experienced with cheating on gf's, and with playing coworkers.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 9
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Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:18:32 PM
Something to think about...In this day and age with privacy such a big concern, you have come in here with your picture and a story that no one at work should see or know about. If we can see it, so can this guy and everyone at work...including HR. You might consider CYA since once posted, it's out there forever.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:25:35 PM
It was a one night stand with a co-worker. Move on. The only one making it awkward is you.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 11
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:31:08 PM
OP.....when I read the first sentence.....it pretty well stopped me.....nevermind the Facebook B.S.

Are you stupid????

Never EVER get involved with anyone at work personally for any reason whatsoever.....otherwise you will spending a LOT of time standing in front of a judge in the 9th Circuit Federal Courts explaining yourself over and over again......

- In other words, you have opened up yourself for a possible sexual harassment situation.

Y ou may want to consider looking into taking some remedial classes about employment law. - - or better yet, read the newsapapers. That will open your eyes on that subject.

You REALLY should know better. Need I say more here???
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 12
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:42:44 PM
I agree with message #5

You got played, and got taken in by his "coyness", which I'm sure was all calculated on his part.


I knew he was a virgin and he had only received a blowjob from one other girl before


I'd say you are pretty naive ^


I'm single, 25,..... and like giving head


If you like giving head that much then you should put this ^ on your initial caption
You won't have any problems getting responses from men you don't work with.
 April1963
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 13
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 12:50:57 PM

Is this just a difference in age and maturity because I really don't know what I did wrong(he's 20, I'm 25).


Yup!!!..... He is ONLY 20,remember that. This is a 'normal' behavior of men of that age.Women mature mentally at a younger age than men.



How can I get over this so things aren't weird in the workplace?


Just ignore him and learn from your mistake, don't do any drama from the past, acts as a mature and intelligent woman who had made a dumb mistake with someone who is not worth.(because of HIS AGE).Learn from this experience and move on, do not look back.



I really don't know what I did wrong


He was 2 young,Your age up next time...okay?

Good luck!!
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 14
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Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 1:02:46 PM
Confusing or using sexual activity as self empowerment is generally a consequence of a self loathing, manipulative mind state.
Your guilt and shame, contention as a result is confirmation that your actions are not congruent with your beliefs. The belief that through sexual control, you will fulfill a deep, selfish void or disguise a vulnerability.
Persistence will only serve to reinforce and perpetuate deep negative feelings, further deepening the void, compelling you to act out again and again with unsuitable partners, depleting your ability to participate in meaningful and functional relationships which are genuinely empowering.
 burtsr
Joined: 12/11/2010
Msg: 15
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 1:12:21 PM
Would you mind telling me what CYA is and how to do it? I'm not too concerned because my state listed is different than the state in which I work but I definitely wouldn't mind covering my tracks.
 agoraphobic_insomniac
Joined: 8/13/2013
Msg: 16
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 1:13:35 PM
CYA is "cover your ass".

Edit to add: And she's gone. No big surprise there.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 17
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 1:16:21 PM
CYA means COVER YOUR A$$

OP.....I don't care which state you live in or work in.....take the advice in regards to sexual or workplace harassment lawsuit issues at heart. - Look up information on the web....or better yet......take some classes in reference to legal issues and the ramifications thereof at the work place.....or better yet.....call an attorney who is seasoned in those types of issues.

trust me.....it will be the BEST ADVICE anyone can give you.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
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Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 1:20:10 PM
I don't agree that this sounds like some college hook up, it sounds like some really silly jr. high hook up. First, does anyone of adult age actually fall for the I'm-a-virgin gosh can I see/touch/suck on your boobs? Give me a break, at that point, everyone there knew exactly what was going on but apparently you like to be pushed so you can do things then say you never do that. Kind of like a teenager saying they haven't done that when they've done it so many times they've lost count of with who, much less when the first time was. You may not like being told it was dumb, but that's the basic fact here, it was dumb and childish and clearly both of you are quite immature sexually for your age. As for him cheating, yeah you knew he had a girlfriend so asked but he said no so that deleted all your responsibility. Not I've tired of people who think it's not their responsibility to find out is someone is really single before they do them, yes it's his too, but we are talking about you, it's 100% your responsibility to know if someone is single if that means anything to you in the first place. But come on, this whole set up is just too silly, we did this then that and oh he's never done this before I would never had done it either, except I did do it. My advice, and I'm sure you think I'm being a bytch but I'm just putting it out there because there is really no way to reply to this post except to be blunt...time to grow up and figure out your real boundaries, why you want them, then like an adult, follow them. This whole set up and pretending of not knowing what was going to happen, is way too juvenile.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 19
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 1:30:35 PM
Probably the best piece of advice in this situation -

This is one of those "live...and hope you learn" situations.


I think this guy is embarrassed and ashamed for cheating on his girlfriend and his distance from you was the best way for him to handle the situation, including unfriending on FB and not being so visible in the work place. Quite possibly, since he did not like his first oral sex encounter, maybe he did not like this one, (nothing personal to you), and was embarrassed over this as well. Who knows.

No doubt, an awkward situation but you know what???? This too, shall pass. Good luck :)
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 20
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 2:17:27 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Doubtful. Sleeping with a coworker, having a relationship with a coworker does not in of itself constitute sexual harassment.



You think?????? Anyone at anytime can spring a lawsuit on anybody.

It's a he said she said type of deal.....and more often than not, huge settlements are awarded. Sure.....documentation is required - times, dates, occurrences etc. If you can prove BEYOND the shadow of a doubt.....well....need I explain the rest?

Sure.....there ARE couples that DO meet and marry at the workplace.....

and many others that meet, try to forge a relationship, and it doesn't work out......and one becomes embittered and in order to get even, slaps the other with a lawsuit. - I've seen that happen time and again.

The one of the biggest liabilities companies face is they also get named in these suits and it scares the pants off the reinsurance companies who afford those types of liability coverages as well. I work pretty close with an executive of one of the reinsurors out here and this individual recently told me they paid out a huge sum of money to an individual who filed such a lawsuit.

One thing I have learned out here as an individual in the insurance industry.....there is NO such things as enough liability coverage.

In the end.....who do you think pays for all that? WE ALL DO! And we pay for it via higher premiums, stringent laws, and stringent company policies written in their respective handbooks. - and we all sit back and wonder why.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 2:31:39 PM

I sent him a message along the lines of 'hey, you unfriended me? can we not make things awkward?


So everything would be fine and dandy if he didn't unfriend you on Facebook. Are you in junior high? You are more concerned about your Facebook status than giving a BJ to a guy who has a girlfriend. That part doesn't bother you. Unreal.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 22
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/7/2013 11:11:58 PM
dpwesu, my guess is we are more likely to see Jesus walk on water again than this hook-up see a courtroom.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 23
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/8/2013 12:01:11 AM
Message 24 HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHA

I met both my husband and my last long term (9 year) bf at work. Without these two crucial and important relationships, my life would not have been half as interesting, creative and fulfilling.

And we're all still friends, after all that.

Go fig.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 24
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/8/2013 8:45:38 AM
1) Don't allow sexual contact from a one night stand become an emotional complex. You have NO REASON TO FEEL GUILTY about it, and neither does He.
2) Hooking up with a co-worker, provided it's not a superior/inferior employee situation - there's nothing wrong with it. Geez if you did get into a LTR you'd save a fortune in mileage and gas commuting to the same place.
3) Repeat step One. If your partner doesn't want to continue, that's life. Dropping Facebook can be a self-defense step to avoid possible cyber-stalking, but we all know cheating (AND dating) does not happen on the computer. Actions speak louder than words.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 25
Can someone please explain this guy's post-hookup behavior to me?
Posted: 12/8/2013 8:48:12 AM

dpwesu, my guess is we are more likely to see Jesus walk on water again than this hook-up see a courtroom.


Eric.....this may be true this time.......but next time......the OP may NOT be so lucky.

But that being said......the OP has LEFT THE BUILDING!!!!! Anyone surprised at that???
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