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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Opinion on personality differences....      Home login  
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 Tastetherainbow76
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 1
Opinion on personality differences....Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Ok, so I have been on here since April, have had my share of "meet-n-greets" / dates within the past 9 months. I came across some that turned out to be a really nice time, some that were like "oh heck NO" and others that are like "you have got to be kidding me (ex: a man asked me if I could help him pay his cell phone bill...YES on the 1st meet also, lol)

Anyhow, there have been a few that I walked away saying, WOW, I can see myself with him and the feeling was mutual, however the issue I am having is that I am a very sociable person, have always been....but the dates that I/we have some sort of chemisrty at the 1st meeting, show the qualities that I am looking for and most important in a man, etc seem to bethe shy timid type and I have found myself on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th date etc having to keep the conversation going......

Question is.....they say opposites attrack however is this something that you wouldn't consider a deal breaker? I pretty much have in the past but I am second guessing myself on this now......
 SngleNarlington
Joined: 6/8/2013
Msg: 2
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/15/2013 9:45:07 PM
It's a deal breaker for me! I understand being shy (I was really shy as a teenager) but communication is a necessity in my opinion. Absolutely hate it when a date can't talk and I usually end up screaming in my head "talk dammit". I'm done when I ask "How about those Cowboys?" and then follow up with the old "well I have to get up early and do something" line.
 GreenThumbz18
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 3
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/15/2013 10:15:07 PM
Rainbow - You say your dates are a bit tongue-tied? Maybe you could button up that top and let them catch their breath :)
After a few dates they should recover, and only you two can say whether or not you want to continue seeing each other. I was out with a friend last night, she is quite the chatterbox, as my mom would say, she puts out about 70% of the talking between us. She is a fun person, good personality, and she has the cutest South American/Aussie accent I ever heard, so I enjoy listening to her, and she doesn't mind one bit.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 4
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/15/2013 10:59:11 PM
I have always been charmed by intelligence and witty banter. I would be bored with a shy, quiet man. Being an extrovert and a passionate hiker, I am attracted to adventurous men with a zest for life.

I briefly talked with a man who called himself introverted. "I only want to date introverted women," he said. "Extroverted women invade my space. My former girlfriend was introverted and said, "Where do YOU want to go?" when I asked what restaurant she preferred. She never said what she wanted. We finally decided to take turns deciding."

This kind of indecision and passivity would annoy me.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 5
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 3:22:44 AM
they say opposites attrack

they also say 'oil and watter don't mix'.


the qualities that I am looking for and most important in a man, etc seem to bethe shy timid type and I have found myself on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th date etc having to keep the conversation going......

you didn't mention what those qualities are or why you think they would inherently be associated with 'the shy and timid type'. that being said, I'd have to wonder what else is going on here since you'd think 'the shy and timid type' would finally start warming the heck up after 3 or 4 dates. so if the opposite is happening, that opens up a whole new can of worms about the possible reasons.


but I am second guessing myself on this now......

and why do you think that is? if you think you're second guessing yourself now, just wait and see how much second guessing yourself you'll be doing when you spend the next 6-7 dates holding up both ends of the conversation.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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History
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 4:06:43 AM
The first rule of 'wise sayings," no matter how clever or actually wise they may sound, is that they really are just concepts to test yourself with or against. They aren't rules, or predictions.

Take the "opposites attract" saying. It's really more of a witty, somewhat ironic observation, more intended to amuse us than to direct us thoughtfully.

If you find yourself struggling to adhere to this or that bit of dating lore, or old chestnut of "wisdom," chances are it wasn't meant for you. Set it aside.

As to your particular situation: you might benefit from looking a bit closer at the dynamic that you are finding both pleasing and contradictory. You say you are very sociable, but find yourself attracted to guys who turn out to be quiet and need drawing out. It's possible that what you are actually attracted to isn't the guy per se, so much as how he makes you feel valuable BECAUSE your sociable nature has an outlet, and allows you to draw him out.

As well, it might be that your worry, once you do make headway with someone like that, that you fear that you will lose respect for them for the same reason: you value being able to socialize, therefore he does NOT have the same kind of value, and you fear that you are linking up with him more as a nurse with a patient, than as a mate.

None of that has anything to do with how ACTUALLY valuable either of you really are in the world, it's mostly a matter of perceptions. But perceptions can't be ignored, just as "wise sayings" can't be allowed to make you do things that don't feel right to you.

On the other side of things, lots of couples do very well being "opposites" of a sort, because they COMPLEMENT each other. That is, each of their strengths makes up for the other's weaknesses, and they can thoroughly enjoy working as a team. Similarly, very same minded people, who one might think would be (another idiom) "like peas in a pod" together, don't do at all well as a couple, because they compete all the time.

If you are the kind of "sociable" person who thrives on being the center of action or attention, then a quiet mate might be perfect for you, and an equally sociable mate might drive you nuts.

In short, this is yet another of those times when you have to learn something fundamental about yourself in order to get where you want to go.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 7
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 7:07:48 AM

I have found myself on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th date etc having to keep the conversation going......


Unfortunately, most of us live rather boring, mundane lives. The things that fill our days don't tend to make for scintillating conversation. Also, lulls in the conversation are pretty normal.
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 8
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History
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 8:28:01 AM
I think you have received a lot of good advice here. Igor spelled it all out in black and white--as usual.And yes paderic is right on--our lives are not all very exciting. Silence in a conversation can in fact be golden;don't feel you have to fill every void. Take time to listen to your dates--and react to that if you really cannot tolerate silence.
 aanarchist
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 9
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 8:41:32 AM
I wish igor was my dad he'd teach me all kinds of things about life and being a man, he'd certainly do a better job than mine did haha.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 8:47:06 AM
There's something called "the law of attraction" which states that you will attract people similar to you. That means that if you are a negative person, you will attract such person as well. When it comes to opposites, what I would say that there's usually a dominate and a passive. That can mean an introvert and extrovert, or a very big extrovert with a less extrovert.

I for instance can't stand super shy, quiet women. They drive me nuts. I run out of what to say quickly. I would rathe go out with someone that has something to aport to the conversation and that even questions what I say. So in my case, an opposite person would be a total disaster.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 11
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History
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 8:52:20 AM
For the most part I have not had that problem if we both felt the same attractiveness to each other, similar chemistry, and that feeling of wanting more and more knowing and enjoying each other. Seems like conversations, smiles, laughs, activities in and out of bed, etc., all flowed in a way that left the feeling of enjoyment, comfort, and a desire to do it again and again.

If problems started to show their ugly head, it was usually because of past living and the baggage that one or both seemed to have with them long term. I call it compatibility, and that is the one ingredient that must be there if two are to become one in a long term relationship. In the mean time, enjoy the ride, the adventure, the journey, but understand not all can find that one person immediately, or even over a long period of time, because as we all mature, the baggage that we created must be placed and stored somewhere, and even if one has minimized their bags of life, those that we were with might not have, and that can create new bags arriving at your doorstep.

If one has to work that hard at the beginning of a relationship, the toll it takes over time will leave you wondering why you ever started. If by the second or third date, you feel that you are doing most of the work to continue interest and enjoyment, you are spinning your wheels and going nowhere. It should be just the opposite, and you both should wonder where all the time went while together.

cd
 sumbeach0822
Joined: 12/2/2013
Msg: 12
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 10:09:30 AM
Almost every man who contacts me is my polar opposite. And while I think a few personality differences are good, I absolutely cannot tolerate Type A personalities, yet they seem to flock to me. The fuddy-duddies and sour personality types seem to like me too. It's almost like they think my happy personality will rub off on them.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 13
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 1:03:00 PM

show the qualities that I am looking for and most important in a man, etc seem to bethe shy timid type


Are "shy" and "timid" also qualities that you look for in a man?
If not, then these guys are really not your type and it is highly doubtful that the relationship would flourish anyway.


and I have found myself on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th date etc having to keep the conversation going......


On how many additional dates would you want to have to keep doing that?
 Tastetherainbow76
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 14
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 7:03:38 PM
Thank you and that make alot of sense
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 15
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 9:57:39 PM

You say your dates are a bit tongue-tied? Maybe you could button up that top and let them catch their breath


Gt18: you might be onto something.....? But to each her own....

OP: I want communication so if I'm carrying all the conversation into date #2, #3, #4.....well "we" wouldn't have progressed past date #2. Sure, there will be times where one party talks more than the other, but all the time.....no way.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 16
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Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/16/2013 11:39:01 PM
I am not saying you do this, but I have been on dates where they would talk so much that I couldn't even make a comment without being interrupted, I would then become very quiet.

I have never had a problem with some moments of silence, not every second needs to be filled with chatter.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 17
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/17/2013 9:26:41 AM
Generally, women are more talkative than men. Sometimes, I do like to talk. But other times, I've had entire conversations for hours with a woman where she would do most of the talking, and I only uttered a couple of sentences, and a couple dozen "yes", uh-hu, hmmmm! Guys can always let out a grunt once in awhile. I believe this is perfectly natural... women get some emotional fulfillment through talking... and I actually like it... I enjoy them telling me what's happening in their lives, it's like discovering an extension of your own life. And I enjoy listing to a woman's voice, it's soothing to me... soothe the savage beast?! Plus, it gives me a great excuse to stare at the face and puffy lips of a beautiful woman and not be thought of as a creep! It's healthy for women to talk, just like it's healthy for a dog to have a wet nose! My favorite line is, "Tell me more". (the perfect man?!).

My point is, I just don't think you have found the right guy yet.
 SngleNarlington
Joined: 6/8/2013
Msg: 18
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/17/2013 9:46:26 AM
@ usmale6

I caught that freudian slip :) but your description had me reminiscing about a past girlfriend or two so understandable.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 19
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/17/2013 10:26:00 AM
Not a Freudian slip! Actually, I googled the phrase, I had not heard it in awhile and wanted to get it right... I typed "soothe the savage" in google and it gave me something else, which, at first glance, looked similar... google has a sense of humor. Listen, no matter how many people saw it, I'm still the perfect gentleman... that's my story, and I'm sticking to it, lol
 Tom_MorganWV
Joined: 12/10/2013
Msg: 20
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/17/2013 11:45:10 AM
Early on, I much prefer my date to do the lion's share of talking.

You can't learn anything when your mouth is open.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 21
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/19/2013 2:24:29 AM
A dating coach said-

"There are two poles that women find attractive: The Marlboro Man and the Sensitive Artist. The Marlboro Man is traditional, doesn’t like to talk about his problems, doesn’t like to listen to yours, but he is a MAN. He’s a stoic, and if he has any emotional needs, you’ll never know it. Problem is that it’s hard to feel CONNECTED to a guy like this. Sharing information is what makes us close, and if you have a guy who really doesn’t roll like that, you’re going to constantly wonder where you stand and what he’s thinking.

Then there’s the Sensitive Artist, who is as much of an open book as your best girlfriend.

You share everything with him and he shares everything with you. You truly understand each other. Problem is, when a person shares everything with you, there will be times where he will seem weak and vulnerable. This doesn’t always inspire confidence like the Marlboro Man."
[Google text for the whole article]


I'm not sure if he's saying these are discrete categories or just opposing ends on a spectrum, or it applies to your question OP, but I find myself perplexed by the taciturn man who isn't seemingly introspective. Most of my exes were S.A. or we'd probably be rather unlikely to stick together. When I hang around the tongue tied, I can't understand it..sometimes I prod them with questions, which they answer briefly.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 22
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Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/19/2013 12:19:12 PM
- It's often easier to talk on the first date because you have set subjects to talk about (you're just learning basics about the person). Once you already know those basics, you may find that there's less to actually talk about - especially if the person finds small talk/light conversation boring.

- Introvert doesn't mean shy. Not talking to someone that much doesn't mean someone is "shy," it can mean that they're just listening or drawing the situation in or enjoying themselves.

- Online dating has a larger proportion of introverts as compared to real life.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 23
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/21/2013 3:57:22 PM
SngleNarlington- Amen! I think I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia than find myself across from someone that is so quiet they can't even come up with lame, "how's the weather" convo. ;)
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 24
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/21/2013 7:07:49 PM
Maybe you don't seem interested in them and they're unsure what to think? Just a thought.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 25
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/21/2013 10:04:00 PM

Does anyone actually talk about the weather?


Snow skiers do.
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