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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advic      Home login  
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 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 2
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I admire this lady for being honest and upfront with you. This shows a lot of character and maturity.
My best advice...at the end of the day, this decision is yours and yours alone. Why not see her again and find out for yourself? You two have much to discuss. The fact that you're asking this question means you haven't dismissed the possibility. Good luck to you, and her.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 3
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 2:55:03 PM
you have no idea what you're getting yourself into with ANYONE, especially after one date.

as for her health issues, they're behind her at the moment but you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, thus eliminating your need to worry about her health and how much of a burden it might be to you at some point.

you can say yes or no to this for the wrong reasons, or the right ones. maybe even some of both.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 4
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 3:50:09 PM
I, too, have had cancer twice within a 3 year period. I am currently in remission as well. As of yet, there is no cure for blood cancers. I could be in remission for years and die from something completely unrelated to cancer but that matters not to many people.

Like your lady friend, I make sure that anyone who * might * want to date me or even befriend me know this about me. Why do I do this, you may ask. It's because there is a huge percentage of the population who look upon those of us who have experienced cancer as having cooties. Sorry to bring it down to elementary school level but that appears to be their level of understanding when it comes to people who exhibit this type of thinking.

My suggestion to you would be to continue to see this lady. No one is saying that you need to marry her or even have a longer term relationship. Date casually and as time goes on, you will either feel more comfortable about taking it to the next level or you will decided that perhaps she is not what you are looking for. In other words, date like you would had you not been told of her health issues.

Cancer does not define a person. Some of the finest people I have met have experienced cancer. We * know * what life is all about.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 6
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 5:26:46 PM
Why do I do this, you may ask. It's because there is a huge percentage of the population who look upon those of us who have experienced cancer as having cooties. Sorry to bring it down to elementary school level but that appears to be their level of understanding when it comes to people who exhibit this type of thinking.


I'm not so sure that most people still think of cancer as having "cooties", and they avoid for that reason. I suspect it is more about dealing with the attendant realities of cancer (if one became seriously involved), such as numerous doctor and hospital visits, multiple tests, chemotherapy visits and the aftermath, surgeries and recoveries, the mental anxieties, the physical restrictions, and , in the case of terminal cancers, watching someone get sicker and weaker and finally die. I think most people would prefer to avoid dealing with all of those things if they can. While many people may still use the phrase "in sickness and in health" in their wedding vows, I suspect that they really hope it's "health" and not "sickness".

My advice to the OP would be to continue to meet and get to know the lady and then decide what's best for all concerned. She sounds like a fine person, and for the right person, you may be willing to accept all of those realities should they come to pass.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 6:10:54 PM
If you could relive that date 10 more times knowing the 10th would be the last would you? That may be your answer.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 8
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 10:03:59 PM

Part of me says that she is healthy now and that's all that matters


Exactly! ^^^^
If you two hit it off the way you said you did, I think you owe it to yourself to further explore this wonderful opportunity. It's not everyday two people hit it off, get lost in conversation and share an amazing kiss, all before an official first date. Good luck! :)
 Dobermonster
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 9
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 10:33:00 PM
There are not guarantees in how long you have with someone. Some relationships are lengthy, but miserable. Some are brief but exhilarating. It's a personal decision, and some factors in your life may weigh more heavily than others. If you have your heart set on children, for example, a mate who has a high risk of premature death may not be the best option, pragmatically speaking. On the other hand, he or she may be a fantastic partner and parent for the time they are with you. Personally, if it's not an automatic 'no' for you (which it isn't, since you're asking), I'd recommend getting to know this person better. She sounds like a confident, considerate, and honest woman (just going by her declaration), and at the least if you don't find your life partner, you could make a very worthwhile friend.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 10
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/10/2014 10:51:06 PM
I shared this on my profile last year, and I'll put it here again:

I know this couple from one of the dance studios that I coach at. The woman is OBVIOUSLY very disabled. This man is always with her. Anyone can see that he is gentle, loving, and takes excellent care of her. They are never seen apart. They dance, exclusively to slow songs, waltz/rumba and the like. She can hardly walk, but on the floor, he supports her almost completely. I think that she is aware of what is going on in a very limited way, but her face shows very little expression, so it's difficult to tell really. So one day when I was there working with a couple, and I noticed them again, I asked the studio owner about them. She said that they are not married. That they were dating, and she suffered a heart attack that deprived her brain of oxygen for a prolonged period, and now she is disabled as a result. But the man, has taken it quite literally as his life's mission to be there for her, and take care of her. From my observation, this man is beyond husband material, and beyond hero status for this woman. But in the end, it is a situation that has inspired me. To see that level of commitment and love, especially today is astounding.

So.........

OP, you are right, you have no idea what you are getting yourself into. However, I suspect that when it comes to relationships in general, whether a person is healthy or not, none of us really knows what we are getting ourselves into. Further more, any one of us can date a SO, who is perfectly healthy one minute, and then gets run over by a bus the next. Unfortunately, that's how life can be sometimes. Things happen. People get hurt, people get sick. I think what matters is what you do now, and how you handle yourself and others in the here and now. And what you do, and how you handle something catastrophic shows your character. If you met her, and you two hit it off so well, go for it.

I really know very little about relationships, but I know solid character when I see it, and that man has character of steel.
 ktxginger
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 11
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 2:18:29 AM

As for putting up with uncomfortable conditions on that first meet, I dont know why you tolerated that and I am getting she has self esteem issues because of her health history.


What an absolute load of bull. As someone who has worked extensively with cancer patients, I know that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with self esteem issues. Cancer survivors have battled hard through pain, fatigue, nausea, chemo, radiation, etc. just for the right to stay alive. These people are usually just happy to be alive and don't worry about the small stuff like sitting by a drafty door. There are so many things that 'healthy' people complain or stress about that are absolutely freaking ridiculous.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 12
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 5:58:13 AM
As others have said, the future is uncertain and anything (including things besides cancer) could happen. Since you are now aware of the possibly increased risk of cancer, perhaps you can take action now to prepare yourself for that possibility by developing a contingency plan (and I don't mean an exit strategy) that would alleviate some of the shock and strain should the cancer return. This would require a lot of open communication on both of your parts, but it sounds as though she has that covered on her end. Good luck to you both and with your decision.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 13
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 9:33:00 AM
I don't think telling your date what to do is a good idea. Control freaks are one of the biggest problems in relationships today.

People with health problems can be trouble in relationships. Is it too much trouble? That's something the individual has to decide for themselves.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 14
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 10:22:37 AM
I like how you figure SHE will cling to you and never want to stop being with you! Get over yourself!
You are dating, she didn't suggest marriage a week Weds. smh
I hope she enjoys a long remission
 SambaDeUmaNotaSo
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 15
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 10:40:36 AM
This woman realized right off the bat that she could fall for you, so she faced a possible rejection by disclosing her health issues earlier than another person might.

From the way you have described this woman, it's obvious you are very impressed.

This lady has character and integrity, and she appreciates life.

Who knows how much time you will have with her? Who knows how much time she will have with you?

I think you found a rare jewel.

See her again, without worrying about the future.

In truth, we only have one day at a time, tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us.

See her again.

Listen to your heart.

Boa sorte! :)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 16
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 11:49:36 AM
I think that she is aware of what is going on in a very limited way, but her face shows very little expression, so it's difficult to tell really.


It is. At a social event for people with developmental disabilities (DD), I was working on some paper work and a girl sitting at a table next to mine pointed to my paper and made a noise. She has full blown physical CP (wheelchair, impaired muscular control of her head and facial expressions, contracted wrists and feet, loud vocal sounds, etc). I handed her the paper and pen and she wrote, "Could you get me nachos and cheese, please?". It was at a bowling alley with a restaurant/bar. Never know.

My client appeared to be 'normal' physically (he went into a coma from a viral illness as an infant) but was mentally about 10 years old, give or take a couple years depending on the skill, and you could tell when he talked. It always bothered him how children reacted to him, and if one didn't react to him, he would say "She/he wasn't scared of me."

One boy who came into our program at age 18 could not talk at all, made high pitch noises when he vocalized happiness, and had sensory issues that were addressed by him wearing headphones with music to block out the disturbing noises. The only motor control issues he had were oral (talking/eating). He was very aware of the fact he did not have the motor control to completely close his mouth to eat and ate with his head down as far as possible to try to hide that. Because he was new and no one knew him he spent a lot of time alone at DD social events (till thankfully another boy his age became best friends with him). One day I walked up to him as he was writing and sat down. He was writing an essay and the sentence I saw first was "I'm so alone, there's nobody like me." This was at another event for people with disabilities, and still he felt alone within his peers. Like anyone else, issues that set you apart socially (eating, talking) are difficult even within your peer group.

While going out to lunch with a friend a few weeks back, there was a man in front of us that (to me) had had a stroke a while back. He was walking with a very wide gait and one side was was affected. As we approached behind him, I slowed our pace down to stay behind him. My friend looked at me sideways in surprise, that I did not step ahead of him to get the door, but I had noticed when we got closer that he had picked up his stride (I was watching his feet to see if I should intervene) and had a good rhythm going so he didn't want us getting in front of him. He wanted to "get the door for the ladies" so I continued the conversation with my friend, smiled and said thank you, and resisted the urge to look back and see if he kept his balance or had fallen until we turned the corner into the restaurant and I could do so without it being noticeable. It's very hard not to step up and "help".

People are good. I always feel such an appreciation for those who do not react and interact with disabled people as if they are "normal". That's all they want, really. Good job.

Physical and intellectual impairments do not often go hand in hand. It all depends on what section of the brain was damaged and one being affected does not mean the others were (eg., it's possible that ONLY the motor cortex was affected, it's possible that ONLY the occipital lobe (sight) was affected, it's possible that ONLY the frontal lobe (judgment) was affected, etc. etc. I believe anyone with physical disabilities should be approached as if they are completely normal intellectually, because they probably are. Those who aren't still know you are reacting/treating them differently. End of awareness speech :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 17
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 1:25:31 PM
1)go find out WTF you are getting into. this is the Information Age, go find out what's what. Only you know how strong you are, what you can handle, what you cannot. This isn't a time to be afraid of the unknown, you can easily find out details, then make an educated decision.

2)as others pointed out, there's nothing saying YOU won't drop tomorrow. life isn't about avoiding failure, life is about dealing with failure. you can't avoid failures, you CAN control how you handle the recovery.

3)if you are sure you can't be what you need to be for her...then be a gent and cut things off. Allow her to find someone who is impressed enough to hop in with both feet. it isn't a slam on you if you can't become Mother Teresa. it is if you dork her around and not tell the truth.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 2:54:33 PM
I dated a woman that about two years into the relationship was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. During the Chemo her mood swings were extreme and we ended up splitting. We tried again to make it work and then we realized that she was also bipolar.

Would I do it again? That is date someone with cancer? Yes. That experience, and what it taught me about love, about relationships, was incredible and I would never change that.

Would I date a bipolar again? I doubt it.
 NorrthStarr
Joined: 10/3/2013
Msg: 19
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 3:00:58 PM
(Oh shoot, it's starting to look like I'm following you around to pick on your posts but I swear I'm not)


Tell her to start exercising at least 6 days per week, and to eat healthy.

No joke. There are a lot of medical studies showing that most forms of cancer can and are prevented by proper diet and rigorous exercise.


This is the worst advice ever! A person takes the difficult step of opening up to someone about something really important to her, knowing it may turn out badly, and your response is to criticize her for how she's living her life, and insinuating that she brought her illness upon herself. Holy insensitive batman!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 20
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 3:04:11 PM
mysticalworld- Life has no promises of tomorrow. You have met an honest woman and the two of you have already found chemistry.
Go for it.
I have written a couple of poems that I included in my answers to questions.
There is one I wrote that I posted in the "60 words, no more, no less" thread.
Read it, your situation is the kind of thing I had in mind when I wrote it.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 21
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/11/2014 9:37:03 PM
mysticalworld wrote:
I connected with a great lady on POF.


Personally, I wonder if one needs to say much more than this.

mystic, as others have said, every relationship has an expiration date - either you or she will leave. Be it a simple parting of ways, over who knows what, or something more permanent like death. And truth be told it could be you that first makes the grand exit.

I understand your concern: you're 35, the matter of a final sickness is not an issue many of us at that age had to deal with, and yet here you are staring that ugly, yet blessed, **stard right in the face. You're facing a fact of life that many of the more senior members of these forums deal with regularly.

Listen, only you know where your comfort zone is; but, what if the relationship you and this woman can create is truly amazing.

Basically, you've raised the age old issue of is it better to have loved and then lost (the one you've loved) or to have never loved at all?

TK
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 22
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/13/2014 7:30:03 AM
Today she is healthy...as are you. No one is promised to be healthy tomorrow. You could be diagnosed with any diesease, at any time, just like her.


Id see her again and take things one step at a time if you really enjoyed the connection you shared. Life is too short to toss out the baby with the bath water. How many awesome connections have you had that you can just toss one away on...nothing really?
 EricTheBrave
Joined: 12/31/2013
Msg: 23
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/13/2014 7:57:59 AM
mysticalworld wrote:

"The last cancer went into remission four years ago. The two cancers that she has had are common to reappear, and one has a low survival rate if it does return."

With most cancers, your new friend is just one year from hearing her oncologist say "you're cured". Four years in remission - that's very encouraging.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 24
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/13/2014 3:32:06 PM
While she was honest and brave to reveal her medical history, I think that she did so prematurely. There are appropriate times and places to reveal important things, and during or immediately after the first few dates is way too soon.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 25
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/13/2014 3:42:10 PM

While she was honest and brave to reveal her medical history, I think that she did so prematurely. There are appropriate times and places to reveal important things, and during or immediately after the first few dates is way too soon.


I totally disagree with this. Why not be open and forthright from the get-go? At least by doing so, you aren't *hiding* anything or trying to *dupe* someone. If someone decides that you are worth sticking around for, then at least you know they *want* to be with you irregardless of your medical history and aren't going to high-tail it at a later date when the *secret* is finally revealed. In my opinion, it's better to be honest and above-board. People are able to deal with honesty better than they are if they feel someone was hiding something from them.
 EricTheBrave
Joined: 12/31/2013
Msg: 26
We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/15/2014 8:29:59 AM

I was TOTALY honest about my past relationships and it is going well. She has done the same.


Uh, yeah, ok, but this thread is dealing with a completely different issue -- honesty regarding past (or ongoing) medical conditions.

I'm unsure if I agree or disagree. I suppose it all turns on circumstances. The longer this woman remains in remission, the less compelling it is to discuss the topic early on. Is 4 years enough time to relegate the topic to later discussion? I dunno.

What if the man is a widower who lost his spouse to cancer? Then perhaps the topic should be broached immediately.

Anyhow, OP -- what did you do?
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 27
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We hit it off, then she shares her HEALTH with me. Please share advice or experiences.
Posted: 1/15/2014 10:14:03 AM
I think she did a brave and kind thing.
Sounds like a winner to me.

How long people can/do/dont live is subject to a lot of things you simply cant control.

Bath is the sun while its here.
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