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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.      Home login  
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 SensitiveYetFun
Joined: 4/20/2013
Msg: 1
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
So I have been on POF for awhile. I have tried to reach out to women but 4 things happen. 1) I get no response when i try to contact a woman then i get disappointed.2)Or when someone contacts me i sometimes don't feel an attraction sometimes.3) I feel that maybe I'm to open and honest by sharing my feelings with ones that contact me. Maybe I should be more closed???4) I feel some woman are above me and would not be interested in someone like me. So I do not attempt to contact them. I am texting someone from here but feel maybe I have more feelings for her than she does for me.How or what do I do?? Maybe Ishould move up with the eEskimos and cool off??? Any KIND suggestions would be great.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 2
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 7:56:41 PM

I am texting someone from here but feel maybe I have more feelings for her than she does for me.
I hope you mean that you feel you might be more interested in her than she is in you? You can't have "feelings" for someone you are just texting.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 3
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 8:13:42 PM
Your online dating complaints are the same as offline dating complaints. Results may vary.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 4
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 8:32:21 PM

So I have been on POF for awhile. I have tried to reach out to women but 4 things happen. 1) I get no response when i try to contact a woman then i get disappointed.2)Or when someone contacts me i sometimes don't feel an attraction sometimes.3) I feel that maybe I'm to open and honest by sharing my feelings with ones that contact me. Maybe I should be more closed???4) I feel some woman are above me and would not be interested in someone like me. So I do not attempt to contact them. I am texting someone from here but feel maybe I have more feelings for her than she does for me.How or what do I do?? Maybe Ishould move up with the eEskimos and cool off??? Any KIND suggestions would be great.


I would start by getting a profile picture.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 5
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 8:42:04 PM

Your online dating complaints are the same as offline dating complaints. Results may vary


Exactly! but results will vary.

OP, I agree with ComaWhite, you need a profile photo up not hidden. And just like you said, sometimes when you receive a message, you are not attracted, the same goes for women you may message. But, remember, you are looking for just one fish to fit, so keep fishing. :)
 JeremyD4789
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 6
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 8:52:53 PM
You seem like an emotional person. I think that's a good thing, but you really gotta suppress your emotions on dating sites. You have to think of them as pixels until you meet. Otherwise you're in a for a world of hurt.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 7
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 9:17:09 PM
What feelings could you have for someone you've never met? You mean you think your anticipation is higher than hers? You seem to have no problem understanding that you aren't interested in some women but you seem hurt that some women have no interest in you, it's the same thing. I'd tell you not to be overly sensitive about strangers rejecting you, but if you are sensitive about that, you may feel a lot of disappointment here. No one is required to be interested enough to even read your contact, much less reply. Just as you are not going to contact any women you aren't interested in. It's just a dating site, all it does is offer you a wide range of women to contact, after that, there's no knowing how it will work out. It's not personal, it may feel like it is, but really, these women don't know you, they simply are not interested, that's all, nothing to get upset about. You are on the same level as everyone else, you have to contact or hope for contacts and then go from there. If you are rejected, so what, move on, just like everyone else here.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 8
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 9:40:01 PM
Aging sucks. Try messaging women closer to your age:)
 forumfella
Joined: 10/18/2013
Msg: 9
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 9:42:41 PM
Yep, usually no pic, no response is the norm on here, and what everyone said above.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 10
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 10:17:26 PM
When men don't have pictures I assume they are hiding something = MARRIED. Either that or extremely obese. I refuse to meet a man with no photos.

NOTHING IS REAL UNTIL YOU MEET. You need to keep your expectations and fantasies in check.
 radicaldudemanguy
Joined: 1/8/2014
Msg: 11
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/12/2014 10:53:20 PM
Get drunk and send stupid messages that relate to their profile, some definitely reply but what I find harder is that second reply.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 12
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 8:03:36 AM
in eight words or less: "manage your feelings or they will manage you".

i agree that the things you listed as a problem here aren't real problems, because everyone single one of them can go away with an attitude adjustment. your post contains lots of emoting, and you seem to be making mountains out of mole hills. there's nothing wrong with being passionate or having feelings and desires, but why invent problems that don't exist? so if only for the sake of your own peace of mind, i think you should learn how to calm the eff down.

it's like you're spilling yourself outward but hiding from the world, beause you want to withdraw whenever you're facing the inevitable rejection. it's self-defeating. so focus your attention on the things you can change... first overcome the shyness because i *never* heard anyone say that being shy is fun. it's suffocating. just not being shy will make the whole world look and feel different. save your enthusiasm for someone who wants to share it with you instead of counting all the people who don't return your interest. shy people are always giving too much credit to negative crap that isn't important and underrating the things that count the most.

besides, you said yourself that you're not attracted to everyone who writes to you; that's a sword that will always cut both ways so be realistic instead of having some false pride about it.

find an outlet for that passion instead of fussing over lists of useless problems. rescue raptors. build things. audition for your local production of Macbeth. play guitar. climb mountains. you could be the next Salvador Dali!

"when do i get to have a girlfriend" is something you'll never be able to control directly. only influence. it's a long wait for most of us here, so you might as well have as much fun with this life as possible while you're waiting for something that could happen any time between tomorrow and never. the bonus is that people who are fun and happy are automatically more fun and happy to be around and therefore more attractive.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 13
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 9:58:49 AM
OP, First of all I suggest a profile review. ( LOL I'm surprised Literatehiker didn't tell you this, unless she has already said this to you elsewhere) Second, as others have already mentioned, provide a picture. Third, as others have already mentioned, nothing is real until you have met someone in person. And last but not least, be confident, positive and PATIENT! Nothing is going to happen over night or magically.

Oooo ooo ooo I forgot! Forget the stupid texty thingy!
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 14
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 10:39:39 AM
A lot of women do not seem to understand that once they hit the 50's , that's when the men over 60 really take a interest in them :)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 15
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 11:54:45 AM
As I understand it, men can no longer send private images via the PoF email system. So you would have to have a lady's personal email address to send a photo and many people are very leery of giving out their regular/personal email address to someone.
Since the OP is in his mid-40s, I'm not sure I understand what comments about women in their 50s getting interest from men in their 60s have to do with this OPs' concerns?
Cindy O
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 16
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 12:03:28 PM
How about instead of getting disappointed you say to yourself, 'good to know she's not interested I don't want to be led on or waste time with them when I could be having fun by myself and/or meeting those that are truly interested?

It's about quality not quantity.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 17
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 12:09:32 PM

Coma_White said,


I would start by getting a profile picture.



- Yes, first things first.... you are missing out on a big chunk of prospects... many women initiate contact with men, but very few will if you have your picture hidden.
 angierbeauty
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 18
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 2:55:11 PM
Yes.....i agree a pic might get you some better results....most people just ignore profiles with no pictures.....give it a try ....who knows
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 19
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 3:48:33 PM
Yesterday I was on a plane sitting next to a young woman who turned out to be 20 years of age. I was ignoring her and reading a book since I did not want to act inappropriately in any way. She kept trying to talk to me and gently bumped me from time to time, apparently somewhat flirtatiously. I finally started talking to her. At the end of the flight she wanted to exchange phone numbers and get together. I deferred. Although I was flattered, she was obviously, way, way too young for me at 60 years of age. BTW, I did not tell her I drove a Ferrari or partied at the Playboy mansion. I was myself.

I find as a healthy and happy 60 year old man life in the real world is indeed wonderful!
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 20
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 4:15:57 PM

At the end of the flight she wanted to exchange phone numbers and get together

Right on!!
Just the other day...while flying around the world in my private jet...the young co-pilot (30ish) came to the back and needless to say...I am now in the mile high club....
I didn't tell him...I owned the plane and hob knobbed with famous people either...(who brags about that sort of thing) or maybe he did know.
Who cares. Life in my world is marvellous everyday.... like a fantasy......sigh...
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 21
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/13/2014 6:14:02 PM
OP, it boils down to this. Because there are so ridiculously many people on these sites, (and usually far more men than women), the women feel they can be ridiculously picky. When a woman gets 50 to 100 messages per day, she may not even see the message you sent, because it is so far down in the list. I'm figuring, that you have to message 500 women to get one response. So you will probably have to expand your geographic area if you are in a smaller town, to be able to have enough women to message, so that you will stand a chance of a reply.

Once you get a reply, remember, she's got probably 10 other guys she's messaging with at the same time, so the competition is hot. So definitely don't stop messaging others, just because you SEEM to get a favorable reply from one.

Keep the feelings business to a minimum. Let those develop if/when you actually meet one of them in person. Given the above, it may take a few years before you actually get one out to coffee for a first meet.

Good luck.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/14/2014 7:35:42 AM

OP, it boils down to this. Because there are so ridiculously many people on these sites, (and usually far more men than women), the women feel they can be ridiculously picky. When a woman gets 50 to 100 messages per day, she may not even see the message you sent, because it is so far down in the list. I'm figuring, that you have to message 500 women to get one response. So you will probably have to expand your geographic area if you are in a smaller town, to be able to have enough women to message, so that you will stand a chance of a reply.


Bull.

The first thing you need to do is simple, but it may take some time to get there and that is:

"Differentiate or die."

That means that your message to that woman that gets 100 to 300 messages a day has to be different, has to appeal to her and her alone and it has to somehow connect to her.

So here's where all the morons get it wrong. They come up with a cool generic message and they blanket email those 500 women. Totally wasted time. Out of that, lets say three respond. What next? Now you have to "Differentiate or die." Meaning, that you exchange some communication that shows her that you are a picky, unique type of guy; that you may have a, b, or c in common. It may be fun to get to know each other. So again, be different.

If you do this right, instead of contacting 500 women that you may not like. You end up contacting 25 women that you would really like. And instead of expanding your geographic area, you become more picky and willing to drive for a date no further than x number of minutes.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 23
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/14/2014 10:36:06 AM
Outmind is correct. In the past couple of months, I've messaged women that would fall under the "top 5%" or whatever on a different site, aged 24-35, and am at a 1-1 response rate. I'd say I messaged 20 people over that time and started 20 conversations.

Adding to what Outmind said:

- Look at activity dates. A lot of people message non or barely active women. Only message people that were active recently (I typically do one day).

- If a woman has entirely different interests than you, you probably shouldn't message them. I don't message women who take pictures with guns and cowboy hats while saying they love country music. The chances of us connecting (and her being interested in me are so relatively low that it's not worth the effort in those cases.

- On the opposite end, I'm more likely to message women that are interested in things I do/like/experience. And my messages are entirely about those specific things. "Just moved downtown..." in a profile? "I just moved downtown as well, how are you liking it here, I always hang out since coming down." A Graphic Designer? "How's the graphic design world treating you; I did that a few years ago, I found that I enjoyed this part of the field but not that part." Etc. Typically 2-3 sentence messages about a common connection in the profile that you're actually familiar with.

- That also means that profiles that don't have anything in, I don't message. Or, if I'm out and drinking or something, I'll send a one word message like "hamburger" because that's the kind of response a profile like that should get :)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/14/2014 2:31:03 PM

- Look at activity dates. A lot of people message non or barely active women. Only message people that were active recently (I typically do one day).


Right smack on the money. I only connect with women that happen to be online at that time. Here's an odd thing that works for me. I am a late person. I could not be in a relationship with a woman that went to bed at 7. So, what do I do. I log in and message rather late at night. So I can see right off the bat, the late women.


If a woman has entirely different interests than you, you probably shouldn't message them. I don't message women who take pictures with guns and cowboy hats while saying they love country music. The chances of us connecting (and her being interested in me are so relatively low that it's not worth the effort in those cases.


Again, excellent advice. If I see the woman in a all terrain four-wheel motorcycle, we are not going to match at all. Why? Those are the people that usually try to run cyclist off the road. Golfer women and I rarely get along as well. But if she has photos of her finishing a half marathon, is full of mud from some endurance race, we talk the same language.

I once connected to this lady simply talking about the Paul Harvey commercial they had at the Superbowl.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 25
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Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/14/2014 6:47:47 PM
Outmind and abmccray, you guys are ridiculously lucky. I read the profiles, and I message based on what I've read, and I get nary a peep. It's what I've said all along, I'm probably way too ugly.
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