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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > When should a mature lady become more proactive?      Home login  
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 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 1
When should a mature lady become more proactive? Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Hello all.

My question is aimed at us more mature people.
I have met, twice, an absolutely wonderful man.
First meet was 2 hours and he invited me to his place .... I declined but said I would really like to see him again.

Fast forward 1 week.

Second meet / first date was a picnic, in public, yesterday, beside a river half way between us - he brought a bottle of MOET, cheese and other munchies, picnic blanket etc
We spent 5 wonderful hours together.
I am smitten.

Now...
How long do I wait for him to contact me?
In every other part of my life if I want something I go for it.
Love is entirely different.
I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death.
I will say that I made the suggestion of a picnic.... he had told me he had a bottle of MOET in the fridge as an incentive for me to come to his place following the first meet.

Also my birthday is coming up. 14th of Feb. Yep Valentines Day.

I have 2 tickets to a twilight, live concert on Sydney Harbour.
Purchased a few months ago with the hope I would have someone wonderful to invite.

Most of my friends and family are attached and being Valentines Day they are otherwise occupied
Is it too soon to invite him along. It is my birthday and Valentines Day after all.

All comments and suggesti0ns welcome.
 Bellacate
Joined: 9/26/2012
Msg: 2
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 1:36:30 AM
I assume from what you have written there hasn't been any contact since the picnic?

If that is the case, I would call and thank him contributing to a wonderful time..take it from there. It doesn't hurt to let him know you are interested.

The moet incentive does indicate where is mind is at and the fact you got an invite to his place to share after a 2hr meet does indicate he is interested, interested to what extent who knows.
 newdejavu
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 3
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 4:12:44 AM
I wouldn't wait too long; just be up front. A five hour date is a pretty good indication he is interested. If nothing else, you will have a friend to go the concert with on your birthday. And if he declines, you need enough time to find someone else to go with. Good luck!
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 4
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 4:42:33 AM
My suggestion would be to put more emphasis on the birthday component rather than the Valentine's Day part. Telephone him to share that you had a good time on your picnic date. Tell him that you have had these tickets for several months and would enjoy sharing the concert with him. That way it keeps the whole thing nicely casual and doesn't make him feel he has to contemplate an elaborate birthday and Valentine's Day extravaganza together.

Let us know how the telephone call goes!
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 5
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 6:02:01 AM
Do you want a booty call/one more date OR are you looking for a relationship?

If you want a relationship, wait for him...age has no bearing on his true motives...

IF you want to get laid & or have him accompany you to that concert, invite him.

He arranged a picnic & stayed for 5 hours, he was already there & perhaps hoping for "more"...
First meet was 2 hours and he invited me to his place ....


IF he ended all contact after the picnic, tells you he was interested in sex, not a relationship...
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 6
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 6:34:47 AM
If you do what you'vee always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
 Onthego1776
Joined: 12/10/2013
Msg: 7
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 6:53:29 AM
Personally, I would be concerned about the "MOET in the fridge as an incentive for you to go to his place" routine.

To weed this one you simply need to wait for him to contact you. I know it's going to be hard...I am the same type of personality as you and am accustomed to going for what I want.

Don't rush this or make a bad move simply because you have tickets to a concert.

^^^^^What LilliMarleen said.....YES!! She knows her stuff!!
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 8
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 8:39:54 AM

My question is aimed at us more mature people.


- Love has nothing to do with maturity.

If two people are reasonable and like each other, it does not matter who invites who out on the date. People ultimately vote with their feet for who they really like. The man is often the main pursuer in the beginning... but not always!

I would shoot for one date a week in the beginning. If one of those dates is on a birthday or Valentine's day, it does not matter. If you are still dating him that week, ask him.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 9
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 9:30:48 AM
If you have always been proactive in all parts of your life, why would your social, dating, romantic, and sexual life be any different? If you want something, be assertive enough to get it, enjoy it, and not look back.

You sound like you are the type that takes charge but when it comes to romance, you want to live the fantasy and be pursued by prince charming riding that horse and swooping you up as he passes by!! My suggestion is to create the fantasy yourself in such a way that reality will be there along side and not just your imagination.

If you are looking for a man to pursue you and be your romantic fantasy, then do nothing and let this man come to you, but if you want to enjoy some social activities, your birthday, a concert, and maybe a good night of greats sex, then make it happen your way, by being assertive enough to make sure that it does.

This is kind of like......."if you build it, they will come!"

cd
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 10
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 10:04:34 AM
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I would call to thank him and say you had fun. Tell him about your birthday and ask if he would like to go to the concert with you.

Keep it fun and casual. Don't emphasize Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day for singles can be fraught with memories of past love, loneliness and romantic pressure.
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 11
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 10:29:13 AM
The guy needs to be the pursuer, be one 16 or 60. That is how it works if one is interested dating leading to a relationship. As far as hook ups go, that is another matter.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 12
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 10:57:38 AM
Sometimes ‘assertive’ and ‘impatient’ look a lot alike.
Wait a little longer – at least a week, or another date or two. That still leaves three weeks to find someone else if need be.
Keep answering your mail and charging your batteries.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 13
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 11:19:46 AM
Posted by Like2Dance:
"...The guy needs to be the pursuer, be one 16 or 60.
That is how it works if one is interested dating leading to a relationship..."

A contemporary man of this new millennium is NOT going to chase, and chase, and chase without positive feedback. OZsealady1, go out on dates, enjoy yourself, eat, drink, laugh, and also TELL the man you enjoy his company.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 14
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 11:46:18 AM
Thank you all. So many different opinions and such varied advice.

Some additional info:
I made the initial internet contact - on a different paid site - not here.
Our common interest was kayaking - he is a lifelong kayaker and for me it is a new interest and I was looking to buy my own.

First meet was at a brilliant Kayak shop he suggested with a huge range to take a look at what was available.
I was going to a party in his area so he suggested that he show me the shop before the party.
We live just over an hour apart.

We had a coffee and he invited me to come to his house to stay overnight after the party.
I said thanks but no. Did invite him to join me at the party - he declined.
Then the bubbly -MOET was used as incentive.
I said thank you but I would not be calling him to stay at his house tonight but I would like to see him again.

Next day he contacted me to ask if I found something better than sleeping in the car, couch or floor.
I didn't drink much so drove home. We had more communication on the Sunday.

I sent him a message during the week to say I had bought a Kayak.
A few days later he said that his rudder was broken otherwise he would challenge me to a race.

I suggested - via type chat on the dating site - a champagne breakfast - with his said bottle of MOET to launch my kayak and christen her. A bit tongue in cheek.
After a short break - which to me seemed like an eternity of silence to me - he typed - "What a great idea. How about somewhere half way?"

We enjoyed each other's company so much the kayak did not even get off the car.

So.... no I am not waiting for the fairytale being swept off my feet.
And yes I have been proactive to a point so far.
Am trying to find the balance between 'assertive' / 'impatient' / 'too enthusiastic' / 'desperate' / 'interested' and all the rest. And yes!!!! there is mutual chemistry ..... fireworks from my end.

I just don't want to make the mistakes I have done in the past of coming on too strong and scaring him away.
Too much too soon.

Current thought is to wait - I have now waited over 1 day.
Perhaps call him tonight and say thank you for a wonderful Sunday and try to gauge his interest over the phone.

I wish this was easier lol
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 15
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 12:01:15 PM
I imagine you thanked him for a great time, already. You were also the one who asked him to the picnic. There is nothing else you need to do. It's clear that you're interested. If he is, too, he will ask you out again.

The waiting would be a lot easier, if you took your time to actually get to know the man. Right now, all you know about him is that he gets your juices flowing. If you want a one time thing, that's all you need to know, but if you want more, at the very least it would be good to know his interest in you. And if you ask him out, AGAIN, you will never know.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 16
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 12:06:52 PM
Yes I did thank him on Sunday and told him I had a wonderful day and absolutely enjoyed his company.

I even got out of my car and walked over to his for yet another kiss goodbye before leaving.

So I have probably been over enthusiastic already.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 17
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 12:59:41 PM
From what you have just typed I think he is interested. Otherwise, he wouldn't have suggested the wine or meeting half way.

However, a day is but a blip on a man's radar darlin. I would wait maybe half a week or something. Men don't like to be pushed, least that is what my experience has been. If you are in contact the day after, asking him out, hmm....could indicate you are rushing/needy. Then again, I am no Anne Landers and am single at this age, so I think it's kinda like a dart game. Throw the dart and if it sticks, bingo!
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 1:20:03 PM
Ouch!! Does it not depend on where one throws that dart ms moonie, and how sharp that dart is to start with???....;)

OT.......More information given by you OP, makes it even more confusing to me, and may I suggest that you offer to help him fix his "rudder" and get in the water for some lessons?.....;)

cd
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 19
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 6:19:07 PM
Your eagerness and vulnerability to the fate you want to avoid seems to be demonstrated with, "I am smitten".

I think if you want to have this relationship develop roots, then wait a bit.

I read your posts about who/when etc and it seems to me that the initial contacts seems to be you more so than him, unless I'm missing something. You initially contacted him and yes he answered your notes, but I don't see where he's written you on his own after several days. Did I miss something?

Personally, I'd stay far away from the trap of getting together on Valentine's Day; even if it's your birthday.

There's too much inherent built in expectations and yours is such a fledgling relationship. Planning to celebrate with friends/family and not keeping the date open (for him), keeps the right distance. Hopefully, he will suggest celebrating with you on another night in your birthday week.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 20
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 6:36:42 PM

There is nothing else you need to do. It's clear that you're interested. If he is, too, he will ask you out again.


^^^^ Yep!

OP: Based on the information you have provided, I would wait for him to contact you as there is no doubt he knows you are interested. It sounds like he is very much interested as well. And as another poster put it, a lot of guys don't have the concept of time as far as it goes with dating. It's only been 1 day since your picnic. I bet he will call you within the next few days. Once he does contact you, by all means, invite him to the concert on your birthday Feb 14th. I would not even mention it's Valentine's Day.....maybe he will not even notice? ;) The ball in his court for now. Good luck :) The waiting is the hardest part.
 sassyscorpiochick
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 21
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 7:34:59 PM
It is really hard to wait. You and I are in the same boat.

I had a great date a week ago, and then he had to go out of town. I am forcing myself not to call him or bother him while he's doing whatever it is he's doing. I'm pretty sure he's interested, but right now, only time will tell.

I would wait at least until Wed. to see if he contacts you . Then I wouldn't even say it was my birthday. I would just say that you have had these tickets for awhile and ask him to go with you. I am sure he would feel pressured if he knew it was your birthday or Valentines day.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 22
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 8:43:26 PM

msg20: Personally, I'd stay far away from the trap of getting together on Valentine's Day; even if it's your birthday.
There's too much inherent built in expectations and yours is such a fledgling relationship.

This, exactly.

Birthday, Valentines, a gala evening concert, three weeks hence (and the ‘Moet at my place’ invitation again)… it’s much like what lovers do. Tempting, but what then? Could be a fast fizzle.

I have 2 tickets to a twilight, live concert on Sydney Harbour.
Purchased a few months ago with the hope I would have someone wonderful to invite.

It would be different if you’d met him a few months ago. But now, I think it would be be rushing the relationship for the sake of one special night.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 23
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When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 8:59:03 PM

I have learned the hard way that being enthusiastic and proactive is the kiss of death.


Says who?

Wrong!!

....most of my best dates, including my GF of 4+ years, were initated by HER sending a message to ME. It was her persistence and enthusiasm that piqued my interest in her even through a couple of ex's. She was persistent - and she is a wonderful lady!!

Keep up the proactivity and the enthusiasm. It will eventually get you what you want.........:)
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 24
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/21/2014 12:29:49 AM
He has sent me a message via the dating site.
Saying he had a lot of fun on Sunday.

My reply 2 hours later - (timing not on purpose I just checked)
"As did I.
You excelled yourself sir.
The chilled glasses were inspired.
Give me a call.
Home tonight. "

Up till now he has either sent me a text or via the site message and then I have called him.
I checked my phone - he has never initiated a phone call.
About time he did.

Thank you all.
Still no invitation to another date but at least he made some contact after the weekend.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 25
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/21/2014 7:56:05 AM
IMO - you have already thanked him once, another will be overkill.
I wouldn't want to spend a B day with some guy I hardly know, nor would I want the pressure. You have friends, co - workers, invite one of them to join you.
Plus you have already asked him out ( the picnic) so why keep at it.
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