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 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 1
Is the "friendzone" even real... Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
...or is it just an absence of attraction? I seem to really doubt someone that being "too nice" or "respectful" actually devalues a person. Instead there is probably a cause like not being physically attracted to a person or simply not being able to engage or connect with them in a specific way. Or am I wrong and treatment is indeed a factor in gauging a potential partner and people do place categories around others that restricts their future interactions?

Can a “friendship” be a cause of rejection or is it because there is no attraction? - short version.
 cesska
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 2
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 10:04:14 PM
do ya have to be friends first?
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 10:15:50 PM
I have developed a friendship with a ridiculously intelligent, attractive, fit, and otherwise completely desirable woman. Countless acquaintances believe we are dating when we are seen together. We both chuckle at that common mistake about us.

We became friends and training partners years ago and I value her so much that I would never explore moving the relationship into a romantic realm. She is not viewed under any romantic lens. This friend has met virtually every woman I have dated and her opinions about those potential romantic partners carry lots of weight. In this particular instance the very notion of friendzone works wonderfully for both of us.
 traveltrekker
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 4
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 10:19:56 PM

Is the friendzone even real...


Yes.
But it is a lot like the Twilight Zone.
Bizarre.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 5
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 10:42:02 PM
If someone gets friend zoned it's because although they may like you as a friend, they are not sexually attracted to you. If you are sexually attractive and they still friend zone you, it's because they realise you would not be a suitable match. They may even have given it a shot but realized soon after it wasn't going to work.

Chemistry and traits that are acceptable have a lot of weight.

Being too nice or respectful has nothing to do with it, there is no such thing as too nice or respectful. (unless it's a b.s. act and we see through it). That excuse is just a card that the not -so- nice or not-so-respectful try to play when they start realising that what they've been told is true and there is no way we will be more than just friends.

No one wants to blame themselves or even acknowledge that someone they may want, doesn't want them. I guess it's easier to blame than to change or see the truth without feeling rejected.

Rejection is OK, until people get that, they will continue to whine the blues or make excuses or blame.

You also have to ask yourself why would someone want someone who doesn't want them? LOW self esteem is why. They should work on that before trying to date and maybe they'd find someone suited to them.

Life is too short to pine over someone who isn't interested in you and NO, hanging around and waiting for scraps isn't appealing either.

Accepting that everyone's not for you and you are not for everyone is a good start.






 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 6
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 11:04:40 PM

Posted by the_regency:
"Those who choose and enjoy to be in the friend zone are usually homosexuals latent or out."

Incorrect. Yet still totally hilarious!
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 7
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 11:34:33 PM
I am the queen of the friendzone and have been told there is no chemistry straight out, but the guy still wants to be around me all the time. Of course, I was thrilled to be able to still do things with him, but after a while it just did not feel like the sort of adult relationship I felt was normal...for me. I felt like a moron. Like I could never be good enough, cute enough, attractive enough. And for God's sake, the worst form of torture is having to listen to him lamenting about other women he wants, but do not want him.

Of course, that friendshp is long over, but the emotional effects were long lasting, and I felt terrible as a result.

I DO believe men and women CAN be friends, but there just cannot be that sexual tension on either end. As long as that is there, it's going to be an endless road of hopelessness, empty good byes and misery.
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 8
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/27/2014 11:39:27 PM
Oh my! I can't stop laughing at the "homosexual" comment about opposite gender folks CHOOSING to be no more than friends ....

OP, it really is as Eric has explained. I, also, have a number of male (NON-homosexual BTW) friends and we're perfectly Ok with that and have been for years ... Male/Female friendship is a wonderful thing, and one often gets the benefit of seeing things from a very different perspective. My male friends have offered invaluable advice in dating.

But I'm a bit of a loss as to the distinction you're trying to make? IF I understand the heart of your question, what you're curious about is WHY people "friendzone" one another ... i.e. in your case, being male, does it have something to do with your being a "nice guy"????

My answer, if that is the question, is that why some men are friends and some are more is a bit complex. First, if I meet a man and am very attracted to him ~ my thoughts are of dating, not friendship. So, yes, attraction is a factor. However, I can think a man is attractive without being attracted to him, and when I say attractive I mean not only physically but for his good qualities. In that case, it's friends. And, to take it further, there have been cases in which the physical desire died, or it became clear we weren't suitable dating-partners, but the friendship still thrived.

At any rate ... NO, a girl isn't likely to "friendzone" you merely because you're a "nice guy."
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 9
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 2:07:50 AM

...or is it just an absence of attraction? I seem to really doubt someone that being "too nice" or "respectful" actually devalues a person. Instead there is probably a cause like not being physically attracted to a person or simply not being able to engage or connect with them in a specific way. Or am I wrong and treatment is indeed a factor in gauging a potential partner and people do place categories around others that restricts their future interactions?

Can a “friendship” be a cause of rejection or is it because there is no attraction? - short version.


Okay, first of all, it's okay to have female friends that are part of your social circle. Who doesn't want to have lots of friends and get invited to parties and concerts, etc? A female friend is also a great "wing-woman" because it shows other women that you're the kind of guy that women feel comfortable around.

When it comes to the "friend zone", it's another word for "lack of attraction". Remember, attraction isn't a choice, and they either feel it for you or they don't. A lot of men wonder if they get put in the friend zone because they're being "too nice" or "too polite". There's nothing wrong with being nice or polite, but there have to be some animal magnetism happening too. You'll hear of women being attracted to the "bad boy" types. That's because they don't seek approval and their attention is on themselves instead of waiting for the woman to make them feel good by approving of them or accepting them.
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 10
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 3:29:16 AM
As eric_summit stated, some people can make friends with the opposite sex work and they don't even have to be homosexual (latent or flaming)!! Wow!

I think it's the exception more than the rule. "Friend zone" is basically a way of saying that somebody isn't getting laid in the manner in which they would like to become accustomed.


If you are "in the friend zone", you're whining about it. Of course you already have other friends, but you never say you're in the friend zone with them because you never feel cheated out of getting laid by them.
 Euroalex
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 11
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 3:39:01 AM
in my experience, the main difference is that in

male-male friendships the main connection is through ACTION.
you share doing something together.

female-male friendships the main connection is through COMMUNICATION.
the emphasis is on talking and listening.

if you do not mind having women around that talk a lot,
than go for the Friend Zone, absolutelly!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 3:50:27 AM

The idea of a "friendzone" was invented by people who resent being rejected, not by the people who rejected them. That is important to keep in mind.

"Friendzone" is just a nickname given to a result. It is not a condition, or a disease, or anything else, in and of itself. Therefore, no, it is not "real" in the sense of being like a cage, wherein once you are placed there, the bars alone keep you captive. But it is "real," in the sense that once someone has recognized that you are not attractive to them, and do not have the qualities which they seek in a mate, they are unlikely to change their minds.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 13
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 4:29:33 AM
"The idea of a "friendzone" was invented by people who resent being rejected, not by the people who rejected them. That is important to keep in mind."

Excellent point, Igor......


Which is probably why you get this kind of thinking.....

"Those who choose and enjoy to be in the friend zone are usually homosexuals latent or out."


Op:

Yes.....being friendzoned can occur both ways.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 14
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 5:01:46 AM
The friendzone to me, OP, is a lack of attraction on one side in a relationship. It can happen right from the beginning or at any point. I am the type of person that if I meet a guy and we become friends, we will always be friends. If I meet a guy and am interested in something other than friendship, I persue it. I don't become friends with an ulterior motive.

That being said, being too nice and/or respectful can actually devalue a person. No one wants a door mat or someone that constantly apologizes even for things that aren't their fault(used to work with someone like that..drove me nuts). I have an aggressive personality so I need someone with a back bone, or I will steam roll over them.

A friendship can be both be a cause of rejection or from lack of attraction, or be from neither. Some people value the friendship over trying for a relationship. Some people are friends cause there is no attraction. Some people are friends that probably would never be friends but because they say work together, became friends.
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 5:52:33 AM
Friendzone is just a euphmemism for: It's never going t0 happen!

Also, with regards the niceness thing, yes, lots of women will overlook a 'nice guy' in favour for a 'bad boy' etc....though, that really comes down to the girl.
 Wordsmith_1975
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 16
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 5:55:02 AM
I am in two minds about whether it exists. I've heard a lot of people say that once you are friends with a member of the opposite sex, it is difficult for them to later feel anything other than friendship towards you - even if there was a mutual attraction in the beginning. This I found very odd until a few weeks ago.

I recently had a third date with somebody I had not heard from in three months. I was attracted to her in the beginning and really wanted to keep seeing her. I flirted with her but I got nothing back, no flirting from her end and no reaction to my flirting. Naturally I assumed she wasn't interested, shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Three weeks ago she messaged me (after three months since we last saw each other) and wanted to meet again. I agreed and again, there was this situation that she was not putting out the vibes of interest and not reacting to me showing her interest. During the course of the date I lost interest in her as a potential partner. Part of this is that I am was feeling into somebody else who I am now possibly going to be in a long distance relationship with but it is mostly about the lack of feedback.

I genuinely feel now that if we met again and she ended up giving me the come on that I wouldn't be interested. So, could we argue that my having given up now means that she is in the "friendzone"? Has anybody else ever been in a situation like this?
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 17
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 7:16:53 AM
I agree with some of the previous posters that 'friend zone' is a made up term---invented by those who got rejected for whatever reason(s).

Personally, I know right away if I can ever imagine myself kissing a particular guy. He may be good looking, intelligent, funny, lots of good qualities, but if in my mind's eye, I can't imagine 'doing it', it ain't gonna happen. Ever.

I may be able to enjoy his company as a friend, but it would be more of a brother/sisterly affection than anything else.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 18
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 7:22:12 AM

if you do not mind having women around that talk a lot,
than go for the Friend Zone, absolutelly!


I've had male friends that do a LOT more than 50% of the talking when we are in conversation.

I always sort of thought it was because they didn't feel the option to discuss things with their male friends and I generally did have lots of other female friends to talk to.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 19
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 8:15:51 AM
Friendzone, all terms are made up at some point in history. That is the way the language evolves.

Friendzone implies someone that is a friend that wants to be considered a romantic partner. Normally this means the person being friendzoned is single and the other person is also single. So in that context friendzone is always a negative.

Otherwise, it's just called friends.

When I was single, I didn't have a lot of female friends and all but one was married. And she got married last year.

When I was single it would have been impossible to be friends with an attractive single woman, just the way I am. I can always imagine being romantically involved, maybe that is just a limitation of mine.

Online friends are different. Online friends, hard to imagine romance when it involves a plane and someone I don't know in a face to face sort of way.

Now that I am married, don't know how it would feel. Most of my activities revolve around doing things with my wife, the only solo activity I have is working out at the gym. It might be nice to have a female workout partner, maybe provide a little extra motivation. But I don't have a regular schedule, so that would be difficult as well.

It's not easy for anyone to feel like they are the third wheel in activities with a couple.

A woman can't friendzone a “bad boy' because they won't go along with it, so by default only “nice guys” can be friendzoned. It's not to say being a bad boy gets you the woman of your dreams, only that it prevents being friendzoned.

If a woman really friendzoned me, then as friends I would expect each of us to pay our own way. If that happens, then we are friends, if I pay and she accepts, I am not only friendzoned, I am being taken advantage of and she isn't a friend at all.

So yes, the friendzone is real, but not a place to stay in.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 20
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 8:56:05 AM

I am in two minds about whether it exists. I've heard a lot of people say that once you are friends with a member of the opposite sex, it is difficult for them to later feel anything other than friendship towards you - even if there was a mutual attraction in the beginning.

That is me. If I start out as friends with someone (even if it's a group thing and even if there is a pinch of attraction), I'm not capable as seeing them or feeling anything toward them that is not friendship. The approach is different, with a friend, you share things freely (including who you are dating, etc). With someone whom I start out dating, there is a the possibility of flirting, holding back unnecessary information (things date shouldn't know about you from the beginning). For example, friends get my real number and my first name off the bat (unless I don't plan on ever seeing them again or I don't trust them), whereas dates get my google voice number and my middle name. Dates escalate toward a goal, friendships don't have a goal, they stay the same (they can get stronger but then again that depends on the degree of friendship).

I've had this long standing issue with male friends who suddenly declare their interest in me, so I make it very clear from a very beginning that they will NEVER be anything else to me. I had a friend I've known since I was 18, we worked together for about 2 years at the time, always had some sort of interest but never really said anything. We would meet after work and have beers, talk, go out to eat, etc. Fast forward 10 years later, I let him know my relationship ended and he immediately said "so you can be my girlfriend now?", lol.

Another friend of mine who is much older than me (55 and up) has recently said things I've found to be a bit questionable. We've known each other since I was 19 and a few year ago, I asked him if he is interested in me in any shape or form, and he said "no". I explained it has happened countless times before (if we spent some time together) so I was just trying to avoid drama. About a year ago, he wanted to try a massage technique he had been working on, on me. I agreed since he has no interest in me whatsoever. In order for some of the steps to be accomplished, I had to be nude. After that, I noticed he paid a little too much attention to me. He even said he wanted to do nude pictures of me (like some 70's style pictures), I agreed, he is a photographer after all, has a studio in his home. I've seen his work before (not the nude ones though, those are confidential). So I did the pictures, he kept complimenting me and telling me he was looking at my pictures (every couple of days), I got a little peeved out about it, and asked him to delete all of my pictures. Fortunately for me, something happened to his computer recently, and it wiped everything on the external hard drive, so more the confirmation the pictures no longer exist. Now every other week, he asks me "when are we doing pictures again?" to which I reply "when I lose 50 pounds", lol. We've been spending some time together lately, we see each other everyday for lunch, then I go over to his house once or twice a week to watch movies (if I have no dates scheduled). I was there last week Friday and I texted him when I got home. His reply was "Just want to say I love you and let me know if you hear from that Thursday guy". I don't know what to think anymore. I've told him in repeated occasions that I'm not attracted to his race (to further dissuade any possibility).

As for the friendzone existing? yes, there is a partition in my brain that does not allow me to see anyone I already know, as a potential mate. In order for me to feel attraction and see something happening, it has to be a total stranger, someone I've never met and does not look familiar to me. It can't even be a friend of a friend of mine (I've had three people send me messages through facebook who I've shot down).
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 9:22:00 AM
The friend zone is a paradox because if you're in a romantic relationship/married, your partner is suppose to be your best friend. But wanting to put someone in the friend zone before that is the kiss of death to any hopes of a relationship. I guess it's all in the timing.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 22
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 9:25:46 AM
Friendzone is actually one of the more accurate new dating terms. It explains a particular aspect of love and how it works.

It means that if a person does not find you romantically attractive early after laying eyes on you in real life, they probably never will (you have a 1 in 1,000 shot of getting out of the friendzone) - so you are stuck in a zone of perpetual friendship with that person. Unlike the fantasy world of TV and movies, once a friend, always a friend.

In the case of dating/hanging out one-on-one, a lot of nice guys sabotage their potential relationships because they are too chicken to face possible rejection and go for the first kiss. To be fair, it's a complex world and some guys just don't know what to do when it comes to dating... with coaching they can do it. Usually the woman won't do it... their intuition is too strong and they are more aware of the possibility of rejection. Plus, the ladies are beautiful and have too many guys chasing them. Why lift a finger if you don't have to?! The man is usually the pursuer. So, the guy has to man-up if the woman was initially attracted to him, or her interest will wane when the kiss does not happen in a reasonable time (within about 3 dates). The first big kiss is the catalyst which takes the relationship to the next level. If you are not kissing, you're just wishing!

However, if a person has seen someone but never dated, crushes can last for months, even years.
 Wordsmith_1975
Joined: 3/3/2013
Msg: 23
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 9:36:49 AM
As for the friendzone existing? yes, there is a partition in my brain that does not allow me to see anyone I already know, as a potential mate.

For me it isn't so much a partition as too many red flags, especially if I see that a female friend has treated some of her exes badly. I might still adore her in a platonic way and value her friendship and counsel but at the back of my mind I can compartmentalise her as a poor match for me as an individual, not purely because she is a friend.

I did have a female friend like that once. I wasn't attracted to her because I could see how... I hate to use the term "emotionally unstable", but she was. She was an absolute beauty - we were in a music shop once and as we walked in there was a group of blokes about our age look up and watch her walk from the entrance to the DVD rack. As we passed them one of them said "lucky **stard". I cared about her deeply, but never felt more than friendship towards her because she would have been so wrong for me on so many levels.

I guess what I am saying is "She's awesome but she'd drive me mad if she was my girlfriend".
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 24
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 10:21:18 AM

I guess what I am saying is "She's awesome but she'd drive me mad if she was my girlfriend".


I have a male friend like that. I would NEVER consider dating him. Years ago I seem to recall that he put forth that idea, but was fine with also just being friends. Does that mean I friendzoned him? Some may even call him a 'bad boy', though he's not really, he is just not interested in settling down necessarily. He's said that his problem is he loves women too much - ALL women...

But he's a charmer for sure and it's very fun/amusing/eye opening to hang out with him. Last time we went to dinner the waitress was nearly sitting on his lap by the end of our meal, she seemed so smitten. I joked with him I had to make it clear to her that we weren't a couple lest she attempt to poison my food.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 25
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Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 10:34:33 AM
Dang now I find out I'm a latent homosexual at best. I need to get off these forums.
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