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 beth414
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 1
Are there any gentlemen out there?Page 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
So I talk to a guy on here then on the phone and we hit it off. We made a plan to meet for drinks. We start talking and it's going well. I ask him to tell me about himself. He proceeds to tell me about his sex life. For example, how many times he makes a woman climax...that he prefers oral, and more. I don't know what to do I am brand new to all this. I try to ask questions that will lead to other topics and somehow it gets back to that. I laugh nervously but I stayed, maybe I should have left. He gets a little handsy and there is no question what he wants. I turn him down but we part friendly. He was saying he understood and we talked about meeting up next weekend. The next day he texts and says we are in different places...blah blah blah. I know it was because I said no. That is fine. Then I message another guy on here and we are talking and it is pleasant. We move to texting and he begins texting very suggestive sexual things. When I tell him I am uncomfortable with the conversation he says he knows. I ask if we can have a normal conversations and never hear from him again. Okay there is my answer. My question is are all men going to be that way? I am looking for a relationship. I am not against being intimate I just do not want to be intimate on the first date! I would like to be treated with respect. What do you think? Am I crazy?

Beth414
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 2
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 4:27:03 PM
Of course you're not crazy. Just keep weeding through the azzholes. I've never met a guy yet who hasn't asked for sex (without the date even!) on the first date. Usually I hear from them again a few months later, pretending to want a relationship now.

*shrug*


I'm convinced that most men who are single at my age don't really like women. They just want a warm wet hole that they can throw discount candy at on Valentine's day and still expect her to be revved and ready to go whenever he gets an erection.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 3
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 4:29:56 PM
Yes, there are gentlemen here. But there are also a lot of crass dolts. When they start the sex talk, cut them off. If they return to it, walk out or hang up. Don't put up with it. Weed out the jerks and you will find the nice ones.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:00:27 PM

My question is are all men going to be that way?


It matters. As in, which kinda guy is gonna be attracted to what you are giving out.

As an example, we have


I've never met a guy yet who hasn't asked for sex (without the date even!) on the first date


Now, personally, I've NEVER asked a woman for sex. On a first date, or after.

Doesn't mean I've never had sex on a first date, or after. I've just never had to "ask" for it.


They just want a warm wet hole


Yeah, it's out there, though you don't have to listen to it yap, or even give it candy. Google fleshlight.

And yes OP, there are many gentlemen out there but, surprisingly(or not) they are single for a reason or two. One being, the generic bullshiat that "some" women love to throw at em. We get pretty tired of it actually.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 5
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:01:44 PM
Op as soon as they get pervy- hang up, or walk out etc.
YOU set the boundaries & then date only those who respect that!

There are good guys, but the azzhats are more aggressive...
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 6
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:08:02 PM
Oh darling, don't let that color your experience.

There are plenty of nice guys, gentlemen, as there are plenty of a-holes, sex-obsessed, and people who just want friends or someone to talk to. Just filter through and meet the ones who appear genuinely interested in you, getting to know you, etc.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 7
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:16:41 PM

Yes, there are gentlemen here. But there are also a lot of crass dolts. When they start the sex talk, cut them off.

Bingo. Don't get too discouraged. One bad experience does not an 'average' make. Just be wary of those who repeatedly 'steer' conversations into one-topic discussions.


I'm convinced that most men who are single at my age don't really like women. They just want a warm wet hole that...

*Sigh* Speaking of steering conversations... Yeah, you'll run into plenty of people that say stuff like this as well -- "Convinced" people who ONLY see the world through their one chosen point of view, no matter what. Don't let their insistence influence you too much, either.

People that try to steer you or manipulate your view towards their own are not trying to have an open productive relationship. It doesn't matter what age or gender or type of person they may be; they have THEIR goal in mind, not yours. A big mistake made often early in online dating is getting too emotionally 'attracted' to an online profile or personality. Over time you'll learn how to be a bit more objective and logical with your choices and learn how to spot genuine people who are 'open' to the possibilities, not just to you opening your legs or pocketbook, or whatever goal THEY have in mind.

Find another date. Give it another shot. And another, if needs be. If online dating success was quick and instantaneous, there'd be no need for forums like this. Just remember the failures is what keeps people in here, and the successful ones tend to leave, so keep that perspective when you heed any advice in these forums.
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:20:18 PM
You're old enough to know it's no different online than in person. Believe it or not, it's better online because this comes out much sooner and you can dump them much sooner...no wasted time. YOU set the boundaries...you are the prize...and one day some gentleman will make the effort to be respectful, kind, and make the effort to impress YOU.
BTW...since you've only been on here for a few days, I would suggest you start to thicken up that skin...you're going to meet some real strange characters. And keep in mind...block is your friend.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 9
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:24:01 PM

you are the prize.


Yeah.

No.

You're "not" the prize. You are a "piece" of the prize that we are all trying to be part of. A healthy, loving relationship, which has more than one piece in it.

If you act like a "prize" be prepared to be treated accordingly. Pretty sure you have already decided you don't like that, correct?
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 10
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:27:08 PM
Walts is correct
You keep talking to them 'cause?
You get what you put out -
use better filters
 beth414
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 11
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:46:11 PM
I do not want to be the prize. I shut the guy down really quickly last night but when the first guy started I was taken by surprise. It won't happen again that is for sure!

I appreciate all the advice and encouragement from all of you!!
 beth414
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 12
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 5:49:01 PM
You're old enough to know it's no different online than in person

I have never had a man talk to me or act that way in person. This has only happened to me with people I met on this web site only.
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 13
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 6:04:27 PM

One being, the generic bullshiat that "some" women love to throw at em. We get pretty tired of it actually.


Yeah, well where I live single women outnumber men by quite a bit. The decent guys are either taken or moved away to go to work out of the province. I held a POF event where there were 600 women and 200 guys. They have been "spoiled" by constant attention. Even the most physically unattractive, unemployed, abusive piece of shite azzhole has options. And it's gone to their heads. Even the married men are cheating at a higher level than anywhere else in the Americas... and our domestic violence rate is estimated at about 40%. 50% of women will be beaten by a partner in her lifetime here.

You have no idea how often it happens that they go all "player" on me only for me to drop them... and have them come skulking back later letting me know that they had no idea that I was 'special'. I have NEVER, not ONCE in my entire life heard a guy say "Hi there, I think you're pretty. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime?" I think I'd pass right out on the floor. The most "romantic" overture I've ever heard is " So, want to invite me over to your place?" Then when I mention that I don't sleep around and expect real dates, I get told that they need to "try me out" first before they commit to something like that.

I can only assume that the situation in the OP is exactly what they're doing... treating all women as potential fleshlights. I guess you don't see it, because it doesn't fit your narrative that most guys are amazingly good people and not like "those" men. From experience, "those" men outnumber the others by a large margin.


I have never had a man talk to me or act that way in person. This has only happened to me with people I met on this web site only.


You're lucky. It happens in person to me all the time. I guess they think that having a "porn star body" means that they get to treat you like one.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 6:31:42 PM

Now, personally, I've NEVER asked a woman for sex. On a first date, or after.

Doesn't mean I've never had sex on a first date, or after. I've just never had to "ask" for it.


Ditto, or almost anyway. The only times I've ever asked have been when she's made it quite clear that the answer will be positive, and I haven't guessed wrong yet. NDT I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Please know men like Walts and I have plenty of company.

It's really not all that difficult to hold a decent conversation without taking it x-rated when that's not appropriate. If there's a spark of sexual interest it's so much better to nurse that spark with bits of tinder and kindling rather than smother it with big logs. Makes for a much better fire.
 nyceguy85
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 15
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 6:31:46 PM
Of course gentlemen exist. The question is not about their existance, but whether you A. Are actually attracted to them, B. Wont do anything to sabotage your chances with him or C. Truly want a gentleman. Many women I encounter on this site say they want a man who believes in chivalry. I ask them do they know the history behind chivalry and to no surpirse most deny having any historical knowledge of the term. Chivalry during the middle ages was simply a code knights followed to protect those who could not protect themselves. When this term was applied to early 20th century society, its meaning evolved towards men who protected and provided for women who could not do so for themselves, which was most women out there: not because women were not mentally capable of doing whatever men could do, but women were set back economically where most needed a man to make it in the world. Fast forwarding to modern times, women have come a long way from the days where they werent allowed to vote, work jobs outside of a domestic capacity and had no outlet to battle horrible stereotypes. It can be said that many of the self sufficient women who need no protection and can do for themselves still want a man who practices chivalry, but sad to say it does not work that way. If you want a gentleman, you have to accept him for who and what he is and not expect to make him into your version of a gentleman.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 6/23/2013
Msg: 16
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 7:32:59 PM

Now, personally, I've NEVER asked a woman for sex. On a first date, or after


Hmmm, me neither....I mean I've never asked a guy for sex....

==
OP: I think you have the upper hand in all of this, so to speak. On a first date/meet, if a guy starts talking about sex and you are uncomfortable about it, you tell him sex is not a topic you wish to discuss on a first date/meet. Simple. If he continues on or gets prissy about it, this is when you politely excuse yourself from his presence and leave. Simple.
Don't get discouraged! THERE ARE A LOT OF GENTLEMEN OUT THERE, even from PoF. My recommendation is to make sure your mail settings are exactly how you want them. It's unfortunate you had to experience two creeps but it will make you appreciate a good guy all the more. :) Good luck~
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 17
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 7:52:07 PM
OP, sorry but in your thread, you talk about how this first guy talks about sex and the women he has been out with, gets "handsy" where you are uncomfortable with all this. THEN, you say you part amicably and talk about meeting up again? HUH????? And you are wondering if there are any gentleman out here? Try looking at yourself first and see why you will possibly meet up again with a deuchebag after explaining here and then asking that question you did. And for the other poster that only meets up with guys that want sex right now, wow, check the pickers!

If I know a woman who acts like this, there is no way in hell I am interested because they don't know themselves and the ability to see and know the difference in the people they pick. Yet they do see and know and yet still possibly want to see them again. Yikes.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 8:18:51 PM
The more time you take to get to know someone before meeting the less likely this will happen, IMO and IME.

I've met 4 people from here, and half were quite aggressive with sexual intent. Looking back, I can see that they might have somewhat expected a hook up. I don't know if that's because of the reputation of the site, because I didn't talk with them long enough to weed them out, or if it was coincidence, but no one I met with from other social media (non dating) sites acted that way.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 19
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 8:36:10 PM
OF COURSE there are gentlemen online who treat you with respect. I have met gentlemen through online dating.

It seems a lot of guys are pushing for casual sex with no commitment. Some will say whatever you want to hear to get into your pants. Once they get you into bed... WHIZ! off they go to the next unsuspecting woman.

Develop strong boundaries. If a man leads with sex, I cut him off and walk away.
 usmale6
Joined: 9/14/2013
Msg: 20
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 9:07:28 PM
This is one of the most common complaints from women today.... you don't know how many times I have to tell guys not to talk about serious subjects early on in dating, particularly sex... it's a very personal and private subject between lovers... and women are like slow-cookers... it takes several dates for their love level to rise enough for that, at the very least!

Also the men should not be touching a woman unless she touches him first, and then only sparingly, particularity before that first kiss. Can you say octopus man?!

It's tough to find a gentleman in this day and age, but they are out there. In the end, you only need to find one good one. Thank goodness for small favors!
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 21
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 9:18:32 PM
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10571012/Man-posing-as-woman-on-online-dating-site-retreats-after-two-hours-following-sexist-abuse.html

Just thought this would be a good place to post this link.

Like I said, just wade through them.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 22
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 9:20:10 PM
Online, especially free sites like POF, are like hook up joints. THE worst place to try to find a gentleman. Please, please be careful and protect yourself. If someone is breaking your boundaries and talking about sex that fast you need to get out of the situation and DO NOT engage him in any further communication.

The very nature of "the net" appeals to the lazy, the addicted and the not-so-nice. It's a cheap, simple way to try to fulfill one's desires. You are seen by many men as a free hooker. It's sad but true. And also, please be EXTRA careful about sleeping with men on these sites..I have met a few that had herpes and thank god I found out before anything happened.

The multitude of horrible and depressing experiences online caused me to give it up.

There are other ways to meet people, in person, such as meetup.com, where people are coming together for mutual interests, exercise or charity events, etc. These are not seen as "sexual venues" the same way online dating is.

It disgusts me to hear about what happened to you but again, DO NOT contact these people again, either on your own or by returning their texts or calls. They have not "changed" in the last 24 hours. You are just a piece of meat to them. Shut off the computer and meet some people who know how to stay off a celphone for an hour or so, and find out what socializing, relaxing and meeting good people is really about.

Thanks for the link, NDTfan..that was a big reason for me giving up the online garbage..the abuse, anger and the expectations, regardless of how careful I was to word what I was looking for..that I was going to have sex with a guy on the first date. It didnt even have to get that far for the venom to spew..I just had to say "no thank you" to someone who wanted a date, and I was accused of all sorts of sexual shortcomings, and stalked by a couple people who kept finding me on various sites and continuing to hurl abuse and insults.

Like I need this crap? Not only that..I was actually PAYING for it in some cases.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 23
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History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 10:02:57 PM

I am looking for a relationship. I am not against being intimate I just do not want to be intimate on the first date! I would like to be treated with respect. What do you think? Am I crazy?


Just use common sense. Online dating is going to attract a majority of men that just want to have an easy one night stand. Men have to wade through the women too. Just stop replying to the ones that are clearly only out for one thing and hope that you find a diamond in the rough. My advice would be to improve your social circle so you can meet more people in real life as well.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 24
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 10:10:42 PM
SOME gents will see that you are separated, not divorced, and be leery of "investing" in someone who could return to their spouse. but at least you're honest about it. like the others pointed out, however, the world is more full of "average" people than "out of the ordinary" people. the Internet just allows you to filter them sooner, once you get the rules of filtration.
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 25
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History
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/3/2014 11:11:38 PM

I have NEVER, not ONCE in my entire life heard a guy say "Hi there, I think you're pretty. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime?"


Staggering, just staggering...My first thought as an outsider is that I would move away. Not that easy, of course.

OP: You need to develop some better screening instincts. Keep first meet-n-greets short; 20-30 minutes scheduled max.
If you make a "real connection", the time extends itself naturally. If not, you're out the door quickly before the weirdness shifts to overdrive.
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