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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?      Home login  
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 Heel_Friendly_Height
Joined: 12/13/2012
Msg: 1
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
"I found someone!

I've met a wonderful woman from POF so I will be focusing on that relationship for the time being. I want to thank the women that I've met on this site, It's been a very positive experience. My experience has been that there are terrific women on this site. Guys that say they can't find one, need to take a longer look at what they are presenting to women. Women can read us much better than we give them credit for.

Thanks all and good luck!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three weeks into the relationship, I changed my profile message to the paragraph above. The intent was to inform the women that had taken their time to share messages with me on PoF that I was no longer available in a nice way. I thought it was being respectful.

I even told the woman I was dating that I had written it and was under the impression that she took a look at it. A couple weeks later I said I was going to delete my profile. She said that I didn't have to, that she wasn't intending to delete hers yet. So I didn't, even though I hadn't visited the site since I wrote the message.

Today, about six weeks after I'd written the above message, she finally read it. She blew up and ended the relationship. I'm at a loss.
 ktxginger
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 2
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:25:13 PM
Maybe she ended it b/c you addressed all the 'women' on POF and talked about how nice and positive your experience was. Or maybe b/c you used the term 'for the time being' as if you were coming back. Maybe she didn't like the reminder of how many you dated.

Or maybe she was looking for a reason to break it off and this gave her a good excuse. Obviously, she was still on POF since she saw the message so it might have just been that she was done and needed to blame it on you.

We won't be able to tell you exactly why. You will need to ask her why exactly she did it, but even then you might not get an honest answer.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 3
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:30:35 PM
She blew up and ended the relationship


That's a headscratcher. Would need more info on the 9 weeks, but apparently you were more enthusiastic about the relationship than she was. Maybe she thought you were moving too fast and already planning a future together that she was not ready for.


My experience has been that there are terrific women on this site


But one less than you thought previously?


My experience has been that there are terrific women on this site.


My experience has been that there are lots of women on this site who SOUND terrific in their profiles, but.........


Guys that say they can't find one, need to take a longer look at what they are presenting to women.


OK, I looked. Still looks fine to me.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 4
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:34:34 PM
Along with the above possible reasons,

Maybe she did not realize she was in a "relationship" with you, but just dating as clearly she noted she did not intend to delete her profile.



I will be focusing on that relationship for the time being.


If I was "in a relationship" with you, the above would annoy me...."time being" really?
In fact, the general idea you have to thank all of the women you have dated on PoF is kind of silly (in my opinion.) Well, all is not lost, since you have had such great luck with PoF, I imagine you could write another paragraph noting "back on the market, let the flood gates open."
But seriously, good luck. Clearly, you were more into her than she was into you.
 Heel_Friendly_Height
Joined: 12/13/2012
Msg: 5
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:39:50 PM
It wasn't that things were going to fast for her. She seems to be upset that in her mind I left the door open. I think part of it might be that her interpretation is based on the current state of the relationship and not where it was 3 weeks in.

She dated more people than I had. She's even friends with some of them, and I believe it. In any case I don't see getting back with her if she changes her mind. I don't think it's good to be with someone that will end things so quickly. How can you trust someone like that for when a real issue comes up?
 Heel_Friendly_Height
Joined: 12/13/2012
Msg: 6
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:43:14 PM
"time being" seems to have been a hot button. Surprising though since she'd say, we're still getting to know each other. But she was also the one to say she wanted to be exclusive after the 3rd date.

Oh, well plenty of other people out there. Just disappointing.
 ktxginger
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 7
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:44:22 PM
It wasn't that things were going to fast for her. She seems to be upset that in her mind I left the door open.


Well, there you have it. You already KNOW why she ended it - because you left the 'door open'. Why are you asking us then?


In any case I don't see getting back with her if she changes her mind.


You make it sound like you have discussed this with her and she 'might' want you back. Either that or since you are such a good catch, you are assuming that she will realize the error of her ways and come crawling back begging for more?


Edit vvvvvv

Her interpretation is what matters. Plus, it was the first thing I thought of when I read it, so it's not just her who thinks that. However, did you try to explain to her that it wasn't what you meant and offer to remove it?
 Heel_Friendly_Height
Joined: 12/13/2012
Msg: 8
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 8:47:50 PM
Her interpretation is I left the door open. My intent wasn't that.

"Changing her mind". No crawling back expected. I'm thinking that after she cools off that she might look to discuss the issue like adults.
 April1963
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 9
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 10:14:38 PM

Her interpretation is I left the door open........ My intent wasn't that


Well....
I think I believe you,..... Okay, I believe you,.........Oh yeah, I believe you!.... Hmmm...well......I think I should believe you.... I don't know what is wrong with me,Can't make up my mind......can you enlighten me?



Women can read us much better than we give them credit for.


Congratulations!
So right on that one!!...:-)
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 10
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 10:20:27 PM
Oh Boy! That's another good reason to wait before declaring....that you have found someone.
Best to remove pics and up your age limit to 90 year olds....it's just like you're hidden...lol.
Anyways....It does sound a little "iffy" on the wording but I think the bigger issue is her reaction....imo.
Just might be the blessing in disguise.....the cuckoo for cocoa puffs kind... are many on here!!
Good Luck!!
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 11
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 10:59:11 PM
I think she was the one leaving the door open and turned it on you...surprise, you're the bad guy now! Regardless, it's better form to just hide or delete your profile. Think of logging onto pof the same as entering a singles bar, no need to publicly address other women you have dated.

The fact that you are confused and coming here for understanding makes it very clear that she did not clearly communicate to you what was on her mind. And that means she is projecting her guilt.

Moral of the story is don't refer to someone you have only dated for 3 weeks as a "relationship", don't trust someone who doesn't want to let go of a dating profile after asking for exclusivity, and don't get too caught up in your online dating profiles, just hide or delete them as need be. Good luck!
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 12
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Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/27/2014 11:39:31 PM
You need to look in the mirror for a reality check. This isn't about a message but about 'you'. You are deflecting the real reason for rejection. Your ego.

Re you message...exactly what is the purpose of it? Why not privately message one or two women? That would be courteous. It also makes me question your social skills...could you not pick up on this woman 's hesitation?

A common pattern of passive aggressive behaviour.....when another person loves us they are 'wonderful'. If that same person rejects us they have some type of problem. No, it may be ourselves or the other person just isn't interested anymore. Quite sane, healthy people do not love us.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 13
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 12:11:48 AM
You were dumped by a dishonest professional dater, yes you are being played. The chasing, the questioning, the pinning is all part of the reward for a game well played. You're the bad guy and she's the victim. She wins.


Why would you question the why, and not be asking yourself why you didn't see it coming ? Maybe ask yourself why you are bothered by someone that would discard you with such ease ? Hell, she couldn't be bothered for 3 weeks to read the change you made to your profile. (bull, she read it the day you discussed it if she didn't see it before you mentioned the change)
 Sun4Some2
Joined: 2/18/2014
Msg: 14
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 12:30:14 AM
Oh...Sorry to hear about that.
I don't think there is nothing wrong with the message per se.
I don't think that you did anything wrong either.
I would probably write something a little shorter. That's my style.
Simply changing your profile settings to not looking/not single should be sufficient.

What did she say on her profile that sounded so much better than what you wrote???

The anger towards you sounds a little misplaced. Maybe she is having second thoughts about being fully exclusive and she feels guilty because she doesn't want to give up looking online. Notice how she persuaded you to keep your account open. She wanted you to stay on-line looking so she could feel less guilty about being online and looking. She may have a bit of an addiction.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 15
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Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 4:04:43 AM
She was not that into you, and if she was..you two would have had a discussion about profiles.
You were "trying her on"as per your little explanation on the profile which would be insulting to her and any woman reading it, no matter what.

It was a ridiculously stupid, egotistical, assuming thing to do in more than one way.


What exactly was your REAL agenda?
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 16
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Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 4:49:40 AM
How many women would love to see a man posting this that they were dating? Lots I think. So many men and women keep open profiles causing so many problems. I see nothing wrong with your message. I'm thinking she used this as an excuse to stop seeing you. Obviously telling you not to delete your profile shows she wasn't as interested as you were.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 17
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 5:39:12 AM

Women can read us much better than we give them credit for.


Do you still believe this?
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 18
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 5:51:41 AM
It would make me uncomfortable if a woman wrote that sort of MSG.

I would think 3 weeks is too short a time to think we are in a committed relationship, I would rather give it more time. So I would think she was moving too quickly.

I wouldn't feel any need to change anything about my profile.

Maybe hide it if I got too many MSGs, but if I seldom get MSG no reason to hide it either. I wouldn't want to leave my profile up and visible if I weren't going to date women that appealed to me that contacted me. Turning them down to me is like depleting the dating pool. I would rather hide the profile, delete it I suppose if I couldn't hide it. Easy enough to start a new profile.

After 3 weeks I know I wouldn't feel like anyone was the "one" I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 19
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 6:00:06 AM
She sounds like a smart woman.
The public service announcement LOL, and " for the time being" I'm betting she has way more to add to this story
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 20
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Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 6:04:07 AM
I read that as.....
"I'm dating someone.... but I'm making sure all you ladies know how great a guy I am just in case this one doesn't work out"

it's one thing to change your profile to say "not looking for dates at this time"....
quite another to praise all your past dates and butter up all your possible future dates!!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 6:40:44 AM
Do you have so many women contacting you, that you need to put up a notice telling them to cool their heels? It's usually the other way around. If anything, I think the part about "for the time being" might have been a trigger. She might interpret that to mean "until someone better comes along". Did she say why or did you ask her why she's not going to delete her profile or put up a similar notice when you said you were? If a woman said to me "Don't bother deleting your profile and I'm not deleting mine", that would be enough information for me to know that things are ending soon. Only she knows why it took so long to check your updated profile and why she blew up. I think you dodged a bullet with this one.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 22
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 6:59:07 AM
To opp : Once you break up , never take them back . I have seen people do that time and time again only to break up again . For myself I have never taken an ex back , I make sure the bridge drops in the water after I cross it so I can not be followed nor turn back .
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 23
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Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 7:03:38 AM

Do you have so many women contacting you, that you need to put up a notice telling them to cool their heels?

I agree +1

What the heck is with putting up some sign to a bunch of POF strangers or even woman you've dated in the past? I'm sorry that's just weird.

There's a big difference between these statements
1) I met someone I'm in love with/want to be with ect
and
2) Your so amazing, I enjoyed our time together but...... I've met someone I'd like to date right now.

#1 no woman is ever going to take you back and there's no room to even do so. No questions. You met someone your done with everyone else in your life.
#2 I really like you but..... just in case the woman in my life doesn't work out I might want to see you in the future.

Sounds like this woman had some questions about you from the beginning and needed more time to confirm what her intuition was telling her. This incident was just the nail in the coffin.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 24
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 9:43:18 AM
I see profile updates similair to the one you did ALL THE TIME on peoples profiles.

Personally, if your update made her 'lose it'...you are better off without her. Yeah, the vebiage wasnt 100% what I would have wrote, but the message is pretty clear. You were focussing on one fish and declaring that POF worked. Someone should shoot you. (Im kidding)

A woman who is really digging you, wont use such a lame excuse to dump you. You even told her you made the update and she was not interested enough to check it out....If she cared about you as you did her, she would have wanted to discuss this....and the fact she didnt and just blew up, means when life hands her a REAL issue, she is going to be a nightmare to be around. Good riddance!
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 25
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/28/2014 10:03:09 AM
so, has she read this yet and emailed you an answer? :)

going just on what I see, I'll GUESS she saw your post as advertising for attention, and maybe she's keeping her profile up b/c she looks for attention, too.

maybe she didn't bother to read the msg b/c she's just not that much into you.

Maybe she told other people she was dating you, and was embarassed when she saw what they might have been reading.

in the end...the relationship didn't work.
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