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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!      Home login  
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 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 1
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I am 50. My partner is about to turn 60. I have been married once and felt no desire to do it again. My lovely SO and I are heading towards the 4 year mark next month, and a few weeks ago he really surprised me by saying he thinks we should get married at some point. He thinks we should just go on holiday sometime in the next couple of years and just get married on the quiet. My initial reaction was... why? I couldn't see the need to get married. But, it seems it means something to him (maybe a vestige of a Catholic upbringing). While I have no innate desire to marry, if it means something to him, should I do it anyway? I am not opposed to the idea per se. What would you do?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:10:57 AM
For one thing, I would recognize the significance of the partner about to turn 60. All the round number years of life tend to trigger expectations or anxieties, with anxieties being in the increase at each over-twenty milestone.

Try to find out if your mate even KNOWS why he has the urge to marry. Most likely, I would think, is that despite all evidence to the contrary, the fantasy remains in force that marriage equals true commitment,and guaranteed togetherness. "Sixty-itis", which I can speak about from personal experience, includes repeats in depth of the same things that "thirty-itis" and "forty-itis" did, i.e. fear that the lack of official labels, means lack of personal value or accomplishment, and means that they can be taken away.

Or heck, maybe he's just waxing "oogy" romantic about you. By this age, most of us have seen thousands of promotional films lauding marriage (i.e. pretty much everything that Hollywood puts out), and how only THAT means true love.

No way I could know what I would actually do, unless by some miracle I find a mate who I'm as happy with as you seem to be, but I expect I would prefer some sort of ritual OTHER than a state-law-ball-and-chain punishment like actual marriage.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 3
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:22:15 AM
Yes I hadn't considered the whole turning 60 thing as a motivating factor, mostly because I didn't find turning 50 last year a big deal. I was surprised by his thoughts because I have always made it clear that I am not pursuing marriage as an end goal. I have said to him, I tried it once and am not so keen to do it a second time. I fear making it 'legal' will detract from what we currently have which is voluntary, if that makes sense. Dunno. I guess I will wait and see how his thoughts develop. I will for sure ask about why this is important to him. I do want to be sure its not just some romanticised ideal of happy-ever-after.

Thanks for the input.

Edited to add.... I like the idea of a ceremony which is not legally binding. I might bring that up too.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 4
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:33:15 AM
Hey tickle_me... you know what? Unknowingly you sort of swayed me to the PRO marriage stance haha! Doing it (marriage) because it feels good and we love each other and we want to (though I grant WE want to is contentious at the moment lol) seems like a good set of reasons.... The jury is definitely still out though. I have talked to a few mates about this and have had such varied responses, from 'oh yeah get married it makes things much more simple legally' to 'for Gawds sake WTF are you thinking!'

It's a bit of a first world problem I know. I definitely want to know his motivation. We are comfortable enough to ask these kinds of questions so... that is what I will do when he gets home from the latest work trip this weekend.

I love the forums. I get so much common sense help XX
 Crystal_Planet
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 5
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:54:04 AM

More likely he wants a woman to be his nurse as he turns 60 soon and believes that being married would for sure guarantee that


They've been together for over four years - I think any ulterior motives would have been weeded out by now. But hey, continue being an asshat if it makes you happy.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 6
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 5:07:35 AM
jojoaus...my feeling is the "birthday milestone" aspect of things were likely a contributing factor.
If the same scenario and dating history existed...yet you were 53 and he was 63...topic likely wouldn't have been raised.
The good news is it sounds like you have a loving, well-established, and solid relationship to speak about these things.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 5:23:45 AM
On the subject of the ten-year marks:

I've been actively paying attention to the psychology of them from the time I first became aware of them, and I am pretty sure that they are like a series of mountains. Everyone can see that a mountain is coming up, from the valley in between it, and they always assume or imagine, that reaching the crest of that mountain will cause a change in their lives, just as their ability to see more of the world changes from the top of an actual mountain.

The sequence I've worked out so far, is

1. first small mountain after childhood, is Mount Twenty. Not much to it, it symbolizes official adulthood, wherein your parents or other authorities can no longer tell you that since you are a kid, that they can treat you as a lesser being. Note that it only SYMBOLIZES that. In the event, most people find out that reality is more complicated. Anyway, it's a POSITIVE accomplishment to turn twenty, psychologically.

2. Mount Thirty is the first problematic one. Despite the propaganda about "thirty is the new twenty-five" or whatever, it still symbolizes "time to stop talking about what you want to be when you grow up, and realize that you are what you are." Disconcerting, to say the least. The gradual recognition that the days of a target-rich environment for mating have all passed, is probably the biggest fear-generating psychological aspect of this.

3. Mount Forty is often another biggie. Most people, when they were kids, thought that Forty meant "old age." Ever see that commercial where a teacher is talking to 1970's era children about the year 2000, and the kids are all looking at each other in horror over the realization that they will be in their FORTIES then? The fact that health care providers all make a big deal about it, and push you to get a complete physical at forty (like you are about to throw a rod), doesn't help.

4. Mount Fifty is a lower level lump, compared to Thirty and Forty. There's nothing special attached to the number Fifty in American society. You were officially over-the-hill, according to all young people a long time ago, there are no new privileges associated with being fifty, other than the ability to sign up with AARP, so Mount Fifty is more like a psychological Rest Area where you can take a quick leak, buy a muffin and a soft drink from the vending machines, and then hop back in your car.

5. Mount Sixty is HUGE. We've had tons of propaganda throughout our lives, telling us that life effectively ends at around Sixty. Everything is all about retirement, whether you are emotionally or financially ready for it or not. The entire world (especially for males) seems to be telling you every day, that any minute now, they are going to put you out to pasture forcibly. Sixty means white hair, no more sex drive, boring mental stubbornness, and so on. Older movies especially (which I grew up on) always stop talking about any character who reaches sixty, except in cases where they make a brief stop at the nursing home, to get the nearly useless old fool to sign off on something REALLY important.

The worst thing about Mount Sixty, is that from the top of it, you can all too easily see all the rest of the remaining mountains, because none of them seem to be higher than the one you are on. Climbing the mountains has suddenly psychologically become ENTIRELY a chore, with no rewards.

Maybe starting a new marriage, is a way to bring back the sense of beginningness again.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 8
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 5:47:46 AM
OP, I assume you already live together? Because living together 24/7 is a big change even if you both live and travel outside of the house.

Thailand has Buddhist weddings that aren't legally binding. A lot of people go there for vacation and a wedding. Maybe all the flirtatious women there would be a good test of his inner resolve? :)

Ask him and work it out together, it's a very personal decision.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 9
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 5:51:27 AM
Mount Sixty is HUGE.

Turning 60 was the only age that meant very much to me.

It meant that I was officially old, no going back, maybe there is another second chance, but I can't count of that being true.

Not any way to say middle age now. I can only say young at heart, which brings grimace to my face when I read or hear others say that.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 10
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 7:47:47 AM
Jojoaus;

...saying he thinks we should get married at some point... ...it seems it means something to him...

I agree and if you were approached in precisely this manner, i.e., "...we should..." then, his reason will be weighted more towards his personal beliefs, morals (possibly religious) rather than a love and respect for your wishes and desires.
I'm not suggesting that he does not love you rather, his love for you is not the dominant, motivating factor. Especially, since you seem apprehensive.
Exercise caution surrounding his motives and the discrepancy when considering your decision.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 11
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 8:44:13 AM
I think it's possible some people believe in the idea of marriage...like
the idea of having a wife/husband and just think if you're going to live
together (forever) why not be married.

I think getting married later in life brings up issues most didn't bother
with when we were young. Assets, liabilities, who gets what when one dies, etc.
While one can lose quite a bit during a divorce, it's possible to protect yourself
with a prenup. I think it's also possible that things pass from spouse to spouse
without having to worry about inheritance taxes if you've got a lot of property
and/or money to pass on.

If one person wants to get married and the other isn't opposed to it per se, I
don't see why it's a problem. Does anyone really go into a marriage assuming
the worst?

I think in this day and age, a person saying they would marry you, is a compliment.

I'd get married again if I loved someone.

Of course there are always those that will say, if you really love someone, and you're
happy living together, you're already committed and you don't need "a piece of paper"
(gag) to prove your love. There could also be an argument for getting married WITH
a piece of paper, knowing should the "commitment" not work out, you can't just walk
away.

I can see both sides of it.
But I don't find either side a compelling argument for or against marriage.

Edit to add.
I think relationships are complicated because we overthink them and analyze them to death. Note some of the posts here for proof of this.
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 12
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 10:30:46 AM
OP .... occasionally, I look back and wish I'd taken a less rigid approach to this matter myself, and at least explored things a bit more. Like you, I was married only once, long ago, and though in my mid-30s when it ended, I had NO desire to marry again (NOR to procreate again.)

To date, I've had 3 very significant relationships end over this matter (one had lasted 8+ yrs and we were cohabiting!) In all cases, the men were on-board (happy, really!) with the "no marriage" concept at first, but eventually had a change of heart. The first I regret least, as he wanted a child as well, but the last .. the 8 yr one? Yeah, I've had a few regrets over my inflexibility in the midnight hours :(

Frankly, I just don't see a logical reason for legal entanglements, children not being an issue. I believe one can be just as committed and the relationship as meaningful sans marriage license as with it. However, to some it DOES "mean" something and if we care we ought to at least explore their reasons .... no?

As has been mentioned, the 60th B-Day might be part of it, and the urge might pass. But by all means, do be open to discussion on the topic, the plus and minus of it, and the why of his wishes. Hopefully, you will reach a consensus on what is best for you both ...

Best Luck!
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 13
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 10:52:30 AM
I really like Igor’s post, message 10. The two biggest ones, for me personally, were 30 and 60. I was not at a particularly good place when I turned 30, which caused me to do quite a bit of soul searching and introspection. Which was actually good, as I changed quite a few things in my life for the better.

Now 60, what can I say. Perhaps just quote DragonBits from message 12, and add my “+1”:


Mount Sixty is HUGE.

Turning 60 was the only age that meant very much to me.

It meant that I was officially old


I will also give a “+1” to the advice about a prenup, as expressed by BrownEyesBoo in message 14. There can be a lot of nastiness involved with inheritances, especially if either of you have grown children by a previous marriage. Best to spell things out clearly, unequivocally, in a legal document or documents. Will, prenuptial agreement, etc.
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 14
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 2:15:13 PM
Hmmm yes I have not considered a prenup. His will is up to date so is a prenup still a good idea? I have no real idea about them..... WE both have children from previous relationships so we do have to be careful. He has a lot more in the way of assets than I do and should my SO predecease me I want things very clear to both sides of the family!

I do love the mountain analogy. I know he is apprehensive about this milestone. I am such a pragmatist and rarely do things which I feel are unremarkable such as chronological age upset me, whereas he is more... susceptible to the collywobbles. I think I might leave the heart to heart until after the birthday so he can look at things from the other side of the mountain! And to whoever asked if we were living together- yes, we have been co-habiting for 2.5 years and seem to mesh well in day to day living.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 15
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 2:45:43 PM
I must have entirely missed the "Mt.60" memo.
I don't feel like my life is over, that I'm invisible,that I'm old...and if I DID feel any of those things, I seriously doubt that I'd give a rats' rear end.
OP, I don't blame you for proceeding with caution. Marriage, at ANY age!-is not to be entered into on a whim, or just to make somebody else happy.

As far as older guys only wanting marriage as "caregiver insurance"? WTF?
Look, there is NO tie that can FORCE someone into caregiving servitude, and anyone-regardless of gender-who blythely believes that a late-in-life marriage is a guarantee of having caregiving&companionship, is a fool.

Having said that, I suppose that the ramifications of one partner becoming ill should be given consideration, but to make a blanket supposition that any guy 60+ who wants to marry is looking for a caregiver, simple screams of bitterness, frustration and sour grapes.
Cindy O
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 16
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 6:31:09 PM
I don't "get" most of the posts here. Marriage in 2nd half of life is very important. I can't imagine being with someone for years and if there's a serious health issue I can't even get info on him from the hospital or enter his room, which is reserved in serious cases for family only, a family that may live 1000's of miles away. And I don't want family to make decisions for me when if I have a SO.

If I pass first, he gets my Social Security Benefits and all of my assets due to no kids. Without marriage the door is open for legal battles.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 17
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 7:07:04 PM
As far as a partner getting sick and feeling you have no say in their health care, there is legal way around that. I don't recall what the legal term is called, but both people in the partnership can sign a legal document giving their partner authority to oversee their health care if one of them gets sick and the sick person isn't able to make decisions-pretty much like a marriage certificate would. I've seen this happen to family friends, and the unmarried partner had full say in the other partner's health care and ultimately, funeral arrangements. You can even put a friend or neighbor in charge of your health care if you wanted to.




If I pass first, he gets my Social Security Benefits and all of my assets due to no kids. Without marriage the door is open for legal battles.


That's why you have a will if you want your money and assets to go elsewhere. If you're married, who do you think is going to get your SS benefits and all of your assets?
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 18
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/2/2014 11:16:28 PM
^^^Why not just marry?
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 19
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 1:51:43 AM
I honestly don't think he is considering me as a nursemaid.... both of us still have two living parents and his grandad lived to 94 in good health. Plus he knows I make a truly terrible nurse! I am named as the person who can make medical decisions for him should he be no longer able to do so. Forget what it is called.

In all honesty, if he really feels he would like to marry outside of any other considerations, I feel it would be churlish to say no. As I have said, I have no real objection to marriage along with no real need for it. I love him regardless of the binding nature of a legal document. I will ask him about a prenup and his reaction to being 60 AFTER the birthday which is early May!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 20
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 3:18:51 AM

If you're married, who do you think is going to get your SS benefits and all of your assets?


Survivor benefit from Social Security can ONLY be passed to a widow or widower. A will can only direct what will be done with your personal assets. Though how much it might be depends on which spouse had the higher earnings during their lifetime.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 21
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Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 4:41:03 AM

I can't imagine being with someone for years and if there's a serious health issue I can't even get info on him from the hospital or enter his room, which is reserved in serious cases for family only, a family that may live 1000's of miles away. And I don't want family to make decisions for me when if I have a SO.


this!

5 years ago, a young friend was widowed. except she wasn't a widow - they weren't married. and her SO was murdered by his own brother.

after 10 years together, a 7-year-old child and being pregnant at the time, his family did *everything* in their power to negate their life, tried to take her house away, said the children weren't his and not entitled to any benefits. this was a young couple and he died intestate.

it's my understanding that each state in the US has different rules on living wills and powers of attorney, so if a couple chooses to NOT marry, they really should look closely at those to ensure that the other is able to make crucial decisions and/or inherit.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 22
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 5:55:03 AM

As I have said, I have no real objection to marriage along with no real need for it. I love him regardless of the binding nature of a legal document. I will ask him about a prenup and his reaction


^^^^^^ Yes, if you both feel being legally married would not be a important factor at this point in life.... then, imo, you both should at least have pre nups written up..... so there is no confusion down" that winding road of life......"as in common law marriage. Or whatever it is called now....palimony etc.....
And to that affect, in who will benefit..... if you have children, others, save the whales etc, you wish to leave your assets too....

Imo, most adults,male & female after the age of 55 & at this point of life, should be both quite well of financially & that the only thing next is first taking care of each others families, friends, etc who they have rises & spend most of their life with...

Ps, hope this does not take away any of the romance in your relationship in a pre nup..........and like a lot of people have said..."its only a piece of paper!" cheers
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 23
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 7:39:25 AM
with all the HIPAA regs, the rising number of unmarried longterm couples, etc, there are all sorts of legalistic things one can do to prevent being locked out of decision-making and being with a critically ill SO. Under HIPAA, one can designate who(if anyone) can be given information about your medical issues. Medical powers of attorney,power of attorney in case of incompetence (or coma state), living wills, etc are all becoming more common,and it need not be "blood kin" or a spouse who has those powers.

Yes, there are always situations where a common-law spouse or longterm SO might get screwed out of things(or attempts made to do so) by "official "family.
Any unmarried couple who has children should make damn sure that the child's father is named on the birth certificate,and if at all possible, a life insurance policy in place to protect a common-law spouse,non-resident SO, and any children of the union.

The thing is, that marriage certificate takes the place of many other documents that would need to be in place to protect a non-marital SO. However, that marriage certificate can also bring some financial risk. Until some measure of humaneness was put into some of the regs covering statelongterm care(MedicAid), many elderly couples were getting divorced"on paper" to protect a healthy spouse from being cast into poverty and homelessness by longterm care costs. From what I hear, those days may be returning.

I can only suggest that anyone over 50 who contemplates marriage,needs to seek knowledgeable and sympathetic advice about SS implications, longterm care expenses, property rights,etc.
But again, marriage cannot FORCE a spouse to be a caregiver. I think we all need to keep in the back of our minds that partnering up with someone-marriage or no- could create a situation where morals and ethics could lead to being a caregiver. But it cannot be forced.
However, I still must make the comment that presuming ALL ,"most" or " a lot" of people who seek marriage post-50 are lining up a caregiver, is extremely cynical. I will say that a lot of the post-50 new marriages I've seen seem to be a lot about companionship, moreso than hot monkey sex-but I don't think anybody with a lick of sense would place all their faith in a late-life marriage as a solid advance plan for caregiving.
Cindy O
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 7:53:28 AM
In many places, living common-law with someone after a specific amount of time is legally the same as being married. There are people who lived common-law who end up going through a divorce-of sorts-to divide assets and seek palimony, that involves divorce lawyers and court. The only difference in their marital status is the lack of a wedding ceremony. If you haven't checked it out already OP, it would be worth it to find out if your local government considers you married (but not married).

OP: Is there some outside pressure-maybe a family member, especially a religious one-that's pushing him to get married instead of "living in sin"? I'm surprised you didn't resolve the issue as soon as it was brought up, or take the stance: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 25
Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!
Posted: 4/3/2014 10:12:11 AM
I think you need to check out the difference between inheriting something and
something passing to you from your spouse.

I'm the beneficiary of my roommate's will, but if he should die, I will have to pay
inheritance taxes because the amount of property etc, is over the limit.

If we were married and he should die, there are no inheritance taxes.

That to me is a deciding factor in whether or not to marry...it's a big difference
in taxes.

If there are no taxes involved and no children involved...I guess it doesn't make
a difference. Not sure how this works with common law and inheritance.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Marriage over 50 or when kids are out of the question!