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Joined: 3/23/2014
Msg: 1
All comers or a specific type?Page 1 of 1    
I was reading a thread some woman started, complaining about the lack of "hot" men who are contacting her. She had a detailed laundry list of her dream dude, including what he must look like, how tall he must be, how much money he must have, etc. She came off as more than a bit of a diva and got her ass handed to her by other posters.

But if that's what she wants, why shouldn't she specify? Granted, she's just eliminated about 99.999% of all the men in the world, but she can find those guys at any local bar and doesn't need to advertise for them.

My profile is fairly straightforward (not some detailed "you must be Brad Pitt" thing, but it does rule a few types out) and I've been told that to get more response I'm going to have to open it up a bit. But what if I don't want to date men who have drama relationships with their ex-wife? Or ones who have drug addicted adult children living with them? Or men who are too old/young? Or who are wrapped around young children and are looking for their new mommy? I'm not highly motivated to find a mate right this very minute now, mostly just throwing it out there to see if the seat for my butt is around somewhere.

So how does this thing work? Do you all ratchet down on the "I wants" and correspond with men/women you probably won't be interested in long term or who are incompatible with your lifestyle?
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 7:36:55 AM
If tuning creates precisely the desired contacts, who is to argue the technique?
At the same time...putting too fine of a point might result in a great dating partner clicking NEXT! while viewing.
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 3
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 7:53:42 AM
In my profile I make a statement about not meeting, etc with any one who shows negativity in their profile . That pretty much eliminates at least 80% of the profiles I look at . Because if they are going to put that negativity out on display for all to see , who would want anything to do with them .
Joined: 2/14/2013
Msg: 4
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 7:57:53 AM
As long as your profile works for you, then it's a good profile for you.

I advice people to leave out what they don't want since it affects the overall tone of the profile. You don't have to date anyone who responds to you, so your profile should be the most effective bait possible. In my opinion, that means focusing on obtaining a high volume not high quality. You don't want to eliminate men that would meet your criteria, but won't contact you because you've created a poorly designed profile.

You're given two methods of elimination before you even have to speak to someone, so why not use both of them? Create a profile that highlights your stellar qualities and invites any man to be thrilled to have you...then weed out the ones you don't want via your inbox. I really don't understand why anyone would use their profile as a sifting tool in an attempt to reduce "work". You're going to be working anyways, so you might as well focus your profile as bait rather than a sift.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 5
view profile
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 9:10:32 AM
Ah....."The end justifies the means" concept! If it works for you, and you have the time to wait, then I say go for it.....but.....understand that the .001% percent you are looking for, are looking back at you and might have you placed in the other 99.99% and now you have nothing......Next!!

In my opinion, there is no "one" person for another when you have seven billion plus in this world, and one can find another, or others that fit nicely with you, as long as you understand the concept of how you set out to find them and make it happen. Most times looking will just get you that, and not much more, but living will get you many things, and with the world as populated as it is, somehow the odds seem good that you will bump into someone that feels just right!!

Joined: 3/23/2014
Msg: 6
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 9:48:13 AM
Bait *lol*

But you all have a point in that my profile might come across as negative or bossy. I just don't want to spend time emailing or whatever with some guy, hit it off, meet in person, still hitting it off....then I find out his mental ex girlfriend is stalking him and every woman he dates. Most people don't tell you things like that right up front and it's absolutely a deal breaker for me. I went on a date before where the guy spent most of the evening screaming at his ex-wife on the phone....and he seemed so great before that. It did make a fun story to tell my girlfriends, though...
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 7
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 9:58:15 AM
Canary, I am on your side on this one.....if someone doesn't like reading what I am not looking for and perceives it as negative, that simply states that they just read about I'm not the one with the problem here....LOL.

One does not buy just any car, or shoes, or TV....we know what we want, and don't want. We shop around, try on, and go for the one that feels good and feels right. No one says, "I wanted a 56" Plasma but you know, this 19 " B&W tube TV rocks!, I will get that instead."
Joined: 3/23/2014
Msg: 8
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 10:03:01 AM
I should have left but I got intrigued. Rubbernecking, like at a car accident, or watching an episode of reality TV.
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 9
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 10:06:55 AM

Most people don't tell you things like that right up front and it's absolutely a deal breaker for me.

Well, if most people don't tell you about the mental ex-girlfriend stalker upfront, the only other way to find out would be to spend time with them. And do people usually tell you that sort of thing upfront in real life? Or do you have to spend time with them , too, to find out?
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 10
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 10:10:17 AM
OP, I fully get what you're saying, but consider this fact: most "weeding undesirables out" efforts (which often result in giving profiles an air of negativity) fail for the simple reason that those to whom the efforts apply? Either don't give a hoot about your specified wants OR don't "see themselves" as having those issues.

It makes me laugh when I read "losers need not apply" or "don't waste my time if you're only looking for a hook up" or "drama free only, please" etc, etc, etc. AS IF the losers, cheaters, drama queens/kings, and so on would read that and say "Oh yes, that's me, I'd best move along." Please .... :-)

SPECIFIC and QUANTITATIVE type restrictions are fine ... you can set reasonable age limits on who contacts you, you can say you're allergic to ... (dogs, cats, smoke, whatever) and so those folks aren't a match, you can rule out people with children, or who want some in the future ... BUT, when it comes to weeding out "personality traits" or "intentions" .... pffft. A profile won't do that ~ only meeting people and coming to your own conclusion works there.

Your best bet is to have a POSITIVE profile that clearly shows who YOU are, so that (for those who bother reading it) they have some sense if there is potential there or not, and then employ msg exchanges, calls, etc to weed out SOME things, and a meet-up to weed out SOME more. That's about it ....

Good Luck!
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 11
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 10:12:34 AM
SPECIFIC TYPE -- I'm a strong advocate for putting in as much unique information as you can stand to list in a profile. Some things to keep in mind...
1) The 'Any-Port-In-A-Storm' online daters will always exist, and they never go away. Never. They will message anyone they perceive as remotely 'attractive' without any regard for what is written in their profiles, and no amount of profile 'scolding' will stop them - they're not reading it, anyway. The only way to avoid them is to pull your pictures or pull your profile completely. They are a 'necessary' evil to the online dating process, and cannot be avoided if you wish to get into the virtual dating world.

2) Aside from the profile 'scolding' of bad candidates, listing negatives in general is an exercise in futility. If you think about it, a lot of what you 'hate' is NOT unique in any way. EVERYBODY hates liars, cheaters, and those who advertise falsely in their profiles. People who torture kittens and puppies and small children are rarely on anyone's "interests" lists, so why the heck mention it in your profile? It's redundant, and displeasing. Don't go there.

3) Listing SPECIFIC* positives is the best way to spell out what you are as a person and what you would like in a mate - the more, the better - to a certain point. Be careful NOT to word all your 'likes' as 'minimum requirements' lest you look like a snobbish elitist. It also helps to distinguish between what you have already DONE, what you do NOW, and what you would LIKE to do in the future - to avoid misunderstanding as to the 'level' of your 'interests'.

* - What I mean by "SPECIFIC" is....
-- listing names of local bands instead of 'enjoying music'
-- listing specific sports, parks or other locations instead of the generic 'being outdoors', etc...

Being specific means readers with more specific tastes (and hence, better matches) will find you more interesting. Yes, you WILL be eliminated by a few people based on your choices, but you're not in here to appeal to EVERYone - just SOMEone that's a good fit. After you weed out the riff-raff in your inbox, what do you want to see remaining?
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 12
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All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 11:02:27 AM
Interesting question, reminds me of a thread from 2 or 3 years back. We had a forum regular, abelian, who was a physicist / mathematician. Some woman was on the forums, complaining that she could not find a man who met her requirements. Abelian read her profile, and applied some math to her list (using statistics from the U.S. census and other sources).

As I recall, she wanted a man no more than 30, at least 6’ tall, in good physical condition (not overweight) and possessing a 9 inch schlong. The math worked out to about 1 in 100,000 men meeting her requirements. I wish I could find that thread and post a link, it was really hilarious.
Joined: 3/23/2014
Msg: 13
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 3:52:28 PM
Once again, you all make some great points: I can try and shoo away crazies until my fingers are sore and they're not going to pay any attention to it. Even the guy with the ex-wife problem was like, "I'm not usually like that". LMAO!!!!

So a revamp of my profile is in order. Will accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative...

Thanks! You all have been very helpful!
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 14
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 4:16:43 PM
I read your profile and certainly doesn't seem too terribly picky to me. But you do state the obvious being "No head cases" - which is what we all want in any event I'd imagine...

When you come onto the forum here, it's like any other special interest meeting place - you're going to get stories of extreme situations. Or highly "opinionated" members. I'd venture 99% of all meets have little to no drama about them - but here is where the horror stories come to be told.

No one is going to start a thread about a meet with a very nice man or woman that nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Joined: 3/23/2014
Msg: 15
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 5:03:11 PM
I just redid my profile to be more specific and less "crazy people stay away".

CP, one of my favorite non-wacko stories is that a year or so ago I went out with a lovely man who was just not right for me but I felt he'd be perfect for my friend, so I introduced them. They're getting married this summer. :)
Joined: 1/24/2003
Msg: 16
view profile
All comers or a specific type?
Posted: 4/2/2014 5:15:38 PM


Moved to profile reviews as this is the proper forum to discuss your profile -- see posted rules.

the other
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