Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dating as an Introvert..      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 1
Dating as an Introvert..Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
This is a topic I have been contemplative about a fair amount lately. For one thing, introversion seems massively misunderstood. People tend to equate it with a lack of social skills, awkwardness, shyness, being 'antisocial', etc.. most times it is seen as a negative. But many intelligent and creative people are highly introverted, and can come across as quite gregarious in certain situations.

The key factor to me, is how one gains energy. An extrovert does that out, with people. They tend to feel drained after too much time on their own. Whereas the opposite is true for an introvert, they are drained in social settings and recharge in solitude.

So I'm curious, for the introverts out there.. taking this aspect of your being into account, how has dating been? Do you tend to gravitate toward other introverts, or find yourself drawn out more by extroverts?

And for the extroverts, do you have any comments on having dated introverts?

Also, do you find that this aspect of your being has changed over time, or seemed to stay the same?

If you don't know which you are, the myers briggs test is a good one, and it goes into other personality traits too: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/5/2014 7:35:16 PM
My current is an extrovert and loves to be out and about with people. I find it draining. She understands this and does not try to force me into situations where I have to interact with a lot of people.

I am pretty much the type who would rather wrap my head around a problem that requires a lot of thinking ,or get lost in a project for hours. I recharge by making order from chaos, sorting things out in my head and such. She gets bored and has to be on the go all the time. We work out pretty well as we respect each others personality types ,at times I step out of my comfort zone and will accompany her to functions or maybe a trip to the mall,other times she will leave me to my own devices and will pop in once in a while and ask questions in an honest manner trying to understand what it is that keeps me locked up in my head sometimes..

As far as the briggs test everyone of them show ISTP - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
(Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Sensing)
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 3
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/5/2014 8:08:03 PM
I am very introverted but learned to "act" like an extrovert. I learned the routines. I learned by watching others, body language, allowing people time to chat, when to chime in, all that stuff.

I act. It's not that I am dishonest or fake, but I have to look at it as acting because I had to *learn* to socialize. I loathe parties and get togethers but usually, after forcing myself to go, I end up enjoying it and I realize I DO need the connection with others. It's that initial hurdle of actually getting out and DOING it that can fill me with dread. I get bored fast, I'd rather be home, etc etc there's always some excuse not to go.

I really thru myself back into dating in 2010 and was pleased with how far I had come. I felt more confident, in a very real way, than I ever had in my life. It was really coming naturally now. I really allowed myself to open up to new people and new situations, relax and enjoy myself (very hard for me to do)

Then after a pile of demented dates and emotional disasters, I gave up and sort of retreated into this shell again. I don't like it, but this is where I am, hiding.

I really do have to force myself to go out, even to see friends. Unfortunately I can go months without seeing anyone and I would never give it a second thought, which I dont think is good. These days, I am indulging in being very socially lazy-not dating and making no effort to do so. Tired of people. Another trait I dont like about myself, but people do tend to burn me out after a while and I need a long long time to just sit in silence before I feel better.


However, people dont come knocking, so at some point I am going to have to get out and mingle again.

Give it another five years or so...I'm not ready just yet and with my current attitude it would not be fair to anyone!
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 4
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/5/2014 9:25:18 PM

If you don't know which you are, the myers briggs test is a good one, and it goes into other personality traits too


According to the Myers/Briggs test, about 75% of the population is extroverted, and 25% introverted. So introverts are in the minority, which accounts for some of the misunderstandings, such as the shyness, "antisocial"-ness, etc. Many extroverts tend to think there is something "wrong" with introverts since there are so many extroverts around, and figure everyone should be like that.


Also, do you find that this aspect of your being has changed over time, or seemed to stay the same?


Pretty much the same. While an introvert can try to be more extroverted, and can actually seem like an extrovert at certain times, as noted in the OP, and the same for an extrovert seeming to be introverted at times, the basic tendency will never really change. It is an integral part of one's being, something you are comfortable with one way or the other.
Also keep in mind that the full Myers/Briggs test measures not just whether one is an introvert or extrovert, but also the degree of introversion/extroversion.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 5
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 6:09:27 AM
This is a topic I have been contemplative about a fair amount lately. For one thing, introversion seems massively misunderstood. People tend to equate it with a lack of social skills, awkwardness, shyness, being 'antisocial', etc.. most times it is seen as a negative. But many intelligent and creative people are highly introverted, and can come across as quite gregarious in certain situations.

The key factor to me, is how one gains energy. An extrovert does that out, with people. They tend to feel drained after too much time on their own. Whereas the opposite is true for an introvert, they are drained in social settings and recharge in solitude.

So I'm curious, for the introverts out there.. taking this aspect of your being into account, how has dating been? Do you tend to gravitate toward other introverts, or find yourself drawn out more by extroverts?

And for the extroverts, do you have any comments on having dated introverts?

Also, do you find that this aspect of your being has changed over time, or seemed to stay the same?

If you don't know which you are, the myers briggs test is a good one, and it goes into other personality traits too: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

TY sooo much, Shakti, for such an incisive topic! I am of the same nature! I prefer other introverts. Extroverts are way more draining for me. I've gotten more self aware over time & indulge in my intro-habits...I also have wondered if I am an ASPIE -females who have Aspergers are way diff then males who r Aspies.

My current is an extrovert and loves to be out and about with people. I find it draining. She understands this and does not try to force me into situations where I have to interact with a lot of people.

I am pretty much the type who would rather wrap my head around a problem that requires a lot of thinking ,or get lost in a project for hours. I recharge by making order from chaos, sorting things out in my head and such. She gets bored and has to be on the go all the time. We work out pretty well as we respect each others personality types ,at times I step out of my comfort zone and will accompany her to functions or maybe a trip to the mall,other times she will leave me to my own devices and will pop in once in a while and ask questions in an honest manner trying to understand what it is that keeps me locked up in my head sometimes..


I am very introverted but learned to "act" like an extrovert. I learned the routines. I learned by watching others, body language, allowing people time to chat, when to chime in, all that stuff.

I act. It's not that I am dishonest or fake, but I have to look at it as acting because I had to *learn* to socialize. I loathe parties and get togethers but usually, after forcing myself to go, I end up enjoying it and I realize I DO need the connection with others. It's that initial hurdle of actually getting out and DOING it that can fill me with dread. I get bored fast, I'd rather be home, etc etc there's always some excuse not to go.


I really thru myself back into dating in 2010 and was pleased with how far I had come. I felt more confident, in a very real way, than I ever had in my life. It was really coming naturally now. I really allowed myself to open up to new people and new situations, relax and enjoy myself (very hard for me to do)

Then after a pile of demented dates and emotional disasters, I gave up and sort of retreated into this shell again. I don't like it, but this is where I am, hiding.

I really do have to force myself to go out, even to see friends. Unfortunately I can go months without seeing anyone and I would never give it a second thought, which I dont think is good. These days, I am indulging in being very socially lazy-not dating and making no effort to do so. Tired of people. Another trait I dont like about myself, but people do tend to burn me out after a while and I need a long long time to just sit in silence before I feel better.


However, people dont come knocking, so at some point I am going to have to get out and mingle again.

Give it another five years or so...I'm not ready just yet and with my current attitude it would not be fair to anyone!
VK I wish we lived near eachother, I think we would be great buddies


According to the Myers/Briggs test, about 75% of the population is extroverted, and 25% introverted. So introverts are in the minority, which accounts for some of the misunderstandings, such as the shyness, "antisocial"-ness, etc. Many extroverts tend to think there is something "wrong" with introverts since there are so many extroverts around, and figure everyone should be like that.
Sucks, doesn't it?


Nobody is 100% introvert/extrovert. We all have degrees. For years I never really understood what it meant. I just thought I was weird. I also happen to be an empath, double the trouble. I used to go out a lot but I found it draining and as time went by I just couldn’t be bothered any more. I’ve always had extrovert partners and depending on the amount of socializing they need, if it’s more than I can tolerate then they end up going out on their own. I only got out of a long-term relationship a few years ago and tried the “dating” thing. I’m fed up with it. I’m not interested in going on random dates with random guys. Casual dates hold no appeal. I’ve realized that I am incapable of doing casual. I want a connection. I’d rather be on my own than waste time/energy with superficial people. I have contemplated the idea that I may be alone for the rest of my life but I haven’t yet lost all hope.



I'm an INTJ. I'm not shy. I like people, although I usually prefer smaller get-togethers in terms of parties.

But I definitely agree with the I classification because I need down-time to recharge. But that I mean completely alone time where I don't have to interact with anybody for a day or two.

If too much is going on, if I'm around people constantly for any length of time, like maybe two weeks. I get very exhausted and overwhelmed, and I if I don't take care of myself and get away from it all to recharge, I tend to get sick.

I've dated both introverts and extroverts. I think my ex husband is probably an extrovert. But although I really like many extroverts, and they can be a lot of fun (I was out at a party last night, and we were at a table where conversation was somewhat lackluster among a bunch of introverts, and then the extrovert came along, and it was like a fresh breeze - fun!), I think another introvert is a much better match for me. My guy is a classic, and I mean CLASSIC INTP, and we get along great. We understand when the other one needs space, and there's never a problem with that.

The problem with extroverts is that they need to be around people as much as I need to not be around people. I get that. But they tend not to leave me alone, when I need to be, and that gets on my nerves. They then start reminding me of large, annoying dogs that poke you with their wet noses to get attention (not that I don't like dogs, I love dogs), but that quality in a human makes them seem very needy and attention-seeking, and although I know they can't help it, it's hard for me to respect that.

Hail to the introverts! I just came back from an 8day/8 nite cruise- I enjoyed some time w/ some people, but stayed away from many activities A LOT, by day 6, got sick & am getting over the flu...co-incidence?

Both my sons r in the autistic spectrum, so I strongly suspect I am a well adjusted Aspie.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 8:00:06 AM
I have no idea how to classify myself anymore. I was painfully shy as a youth, which was made vastly worse by the times I grew up in. I worked ferociously (as someone else mentioned they did above) to find ways to compensate for my shyness, my fear, my near paranoid over-reaction to others obvious responses (or lack of them) to me. I got into sales as a profession at first (ironically) which was both frightening and helpful for me to find ways to get around my fears, by applying my logical mind. Then I switched to being a repair technician, and reverted to a much more introverted lifestyle.

I certainly don't feel drained by large social groups and parties and such, but I don't derive sustenance from them either. I have a good or bad time, depending on whether I get along with the particular other people who attend them. Am I an introvert because the basic act of chatting without purpose, bores me? Probably. But it isn't draining, I just get annoyed with the fact that I'm not getting anything done. Just as some people are thoroughly enthralled and entertained by aimless soap operas on TV, some people seem to thrive on mindless and goal-less chit chat. I'm not one of them.

But I do thrive on actual teamwork. Coordinated activities with any number of people, where we are actually DOING something, fulfills me tremendously. And the things I do on my own, which fulfill me, are always linked in some way, to helping other people, or at least to contributing to others understanding of human nature and life in general. All of my writing isn't just because I like to hear myself think (I know some people here think the opposite of me). Does that make me more introverted, or extroverted? Not sure. I guess that since I can have a great time, just doing something like raking leaves with a friend, and that I don't require entertainment involving physical danger or expensive clothes, that I'm probably mostly "intro."

I've done several of those small-version, free meyers Briggs things, and I usually come out INTJ, or something close, but I also find that as I'm answering the questions, that half the time at least, I'm tossing a coin, because the questions aren't worded in a way that lets me answer accurately.

So I agree with Princess, this is tough to answer, even though it's a good thing to discuss and think about.

I know that some apparent Extros get annoyed with me for not leaping to lots of activity, or assume that I'm unfriendly or even hostile, because I don't respond to most social "hints." Other Extros are the kind who derive satisfaction from GETTING intros into the mix, and since I have no problem conversing or trying new things, I get along with such folks fine. But I've been discarded a number of times for failing to become enough of an extro.

Who knows for sure, though. After all, when people do dump you, it's actually rare that they tell you the REAL reason why. Half the time, they don't know it themselves.
 RedrockJen
Joined: 3/27/2014
Msg: 7
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 8:04:20 AM
"The problem with extroverts is that they need to be around people as much as I need to not be around people. I get that. But they tend not to leave me alone, when I need to be, and that gets on my nerves. They then start reminding me of large, annoying dogs that poke you with their wet noses to get attention (not that I don't like dogs, I love dogs), but that quality in a human makes them seem very needy and attention-seeking, and although I know they can't help it, it's hard for me to respect that."

Love this. I'd only change one thing. I don't love dogs.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 8
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 8:49:09 AM
I first did the Myers Briggs test in my early twenties, and even into my mid thirties, I turned up as an ENFJ. But now, I am INFP all the way. And it really does reflect my life. At one point, I was the social butterfly type, the centre of my social circle, always needing to talk and connect. Excessive alone time made me question myself too much, so I had to always be around or conversing with others (on the phone lots back then).

At some point though, that changed. And it seems to correlate with my becoming more spiritually focused. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, I tried to force myself out, but it seems to have lost all of its appeal. I can still 'work a room' as I'm told, and it does come naturally.. but at the end of the day, I just want to be left alone. I long for it.

My work has become more manageable now that I have found an abandoned back room that I go meditate in. A break is not actually a break to me unless I get to be totally and completely alone. If that can't happen? I might as well eat and still get my work done.

I think people misunderstand me because I do come across as quite extroverted/gregarious, so I get invited to places and have people who want to accompany me to things. But I nearly always back out of it somehow, as I would genuinely rather be alone. Even if I LIKE the person. This aspect seems to be getting 'worse' not 'better'. It's to the point now, that dating seems like a distant dream. I used to want to meet guys that interested me, and even craved the attention that I would get from them. But now? Not in the slightest. It's as though I need a guarantee (of a good connection) going in, or I couldn't be bothered. And believe me, I know that isn't realistic. It's why I've hidden my profile. I don't even like the messages/attention anymore.

I guess I wrote this hoping someone could relate, and I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses

Btw Princess, I can relate to wondering about the aspie thing.. I seem to have a couple of the traits myself.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 9
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 9:17:52 AM
MOST 'regulars' in these forums will be the introverted INTJ types - because we're contemplative, and like to analyze stuff. That's the nature of how this forum works. We're delving into behaviors and trying to do passive-problem solving. The extroverts come in these forums, dump an angry rant and leave, often not to even reply once to their own threads.

As far as the OP's situation, I believe introverts are better suited to long distance or infrequent relationships because they are less needy/selfish of attention and have a lot more patience than the Extros.

The conflicting part of on line dating is that NOBODY likes finding an 'introverted' profile very attractive. Very rarely are people of the opposite sex turned 'on' by the idea you LIKE being by yourself. Both Intros and Extros alike want to know they are NEEDED for companionship, and that you think higher of them than anyone else. We're taught by experience to put ourselves 'out' there and show we CAN and HAVE and WILL do umpteen different activities in order to land the 'job' - no different that putting all the positives and selling points on a job resume - but that's a conflict of truth in advertising, and does indeed create a hurdle to get around when trying to establish a new relationship.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 10
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 9:38:12 AM
Danimal, I like your post, especially what you say about the analytics coming here to problem solve! But I'm not sure about this:

"I believe introverts are better suited to long distance or infrequent relationships because they are less needy/selfish of attention and have a lot more patience than the Extros."

I can't relate to extroverts but I would not want to label them all less patient, nor would I look within myself and not feel in some ways I am needy (God I hate that term! We ALL have needs-we are just in a shame routine with the idea of "being needy/clingy" these days.)
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 11
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 10:27:58 AM
I decided to jump into this discussion because I think a number of people are blurring the lines between the common definition of introvert vs extrovert and the Myers Briggs definitions. A number of people are also mixing up what the I/E (introvert/extrovert) preference and the J/P (judging/perceiving) preference actually measure or indicate.

Introvert/Extrovert measures how one processes information about their world
When used in the Myers Briggs scale, the I/E does NOT describe simply whether one prefers to be solitary or 'with others.' One can still be an introvert while in a crowd (although it's definitely not the preferred place for an introvert to be), or a party, or even in a one-to-one relationship. One can be an introvert and have a very ‘extroverted’ job like lawyer or project manager because the distinction for I/E is how the person processes information, not merely whether they prefer to be alone or with others.

Judging/Perceiving measures the preferred approach to the outer world
When used in the Myers Briggs scale, the J/P preference is actually closer to what people think of as introverted vs extroverted because the J/P preference indicates whether the person prefers a THINKING or whether the person prefers a FEELING approach to their outer life – the life that other people get to see. Remember, in M-B language, judging means “preferring to make decisions;” it does not mean “judgmental” in the sense of constantly making negative evaluations about people and events.

A J/judging person likes their life orderly, organized, and to make decisions (because that allows things to become organized and to tie up loose ends). Therefore, to other people, someone with a J preference can appear to be confident, or these people become the leaders BECAUSE they make decisions, which is often misinterpreted as extroverted.

Conversely, a P/perceiving person prefers to experience their outer world through feeling so there isn’t an inherent need to make decisions or organize (both are attributes of thinking) their outer world. Therefore, to other people, someone with a P preference can appear to be wishy-washy, or emotionally/feelings-driven which is often misinterpreted as introverted.

I’m an INTJ (amazing there are so many in the forums since we're such a small percentage of the total population, but I digress) but I’m a lawyer and a project manager – both very extroverted (in the common definition) but introverted (in the M-B definition) jobs. The reason I’m well suited to both jobs is because I’m very high on the J scale – I like things orderly and organized and will take action to mold my outer world to fit that.

As far as socializing and relationships, an introvert (in the M-B definition) can be quite social and sociable so long as they still get time to process information internally. For example, I interact with people all damn day at work (extroverted by common definition) which kind of puts me in sensory overload so I have ways to get internal processing time (introverted by M-B definition) such as staring out the window, going to make a cup of tea, even hiding in the restroom (come on you INTJs, you know you’ve done that too!). But, I also go through periods where I have frequent social events (extroverted by common definition) so I also have ways, depending on the venue, to get ‘socially acceptable’ time in my head even in a crowd (introverted by M-B definition) such as being in a crowd APPEARING to listen but actually in my own head, or strolling through the gardens at an outdoor wedding, or helping in the kitchen APPEARING to listen to the hen gossip but not actually.
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 11:03:17 AM
I think that this is another thing that can be tricky talking about because of the different potentially applicable terms and the different things that they can mean to each person -

Myself...I'm a funny mix. I'm a very reserved, ex-shy, and socially unadjusted individual who has simply become very good at being "out going". I'm a quasi-introvert who is able to be very extroverted as if I were a fish in water during extroversion. I wouldn't be lonely and unhappy in a post-apocalyptic world wherein I was the only human for a thousand miles till I died, but I do like other people and socializing. My default is to "keep to myself", but I seem to understand other people and socializing better in some respects than those who are predominantly extroverted - I've discovered that there's a difference between having this capability, and needing others too much and being greatly dependent upon and influenced by others and their opinions. I often discover after the fact that I've given the impression of being as confident and relaxed as a person could be, and make others feel comfortable and even inspired or energized. I can slip into almost any social circle, demographic, or league or standing...but otherwise find myself preferring to create and remain within my own space and aura.

But...I see this as not indicating either way whether or not I can date well and live life with a significant other and mesh well with them.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 11:29:52 AM
Thanks Cynthia, you talked all about what I was trying to get at, and described my world much better than I could. Big "plus one" from me.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 14
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 11:38:59 AM

The conflicting part of on line dating is that NOBODY likes finding an 'introverted' profile very attractive. Very rarely are people of the opposite sex turned 'on' by the idea you LIKE being by yourself. Both Intros and Extros alike want to know they are NEEDED for companionship, and that you think higher of them than anyone else.

I can not disagree more strongly. In fact, I think your claim may only be relevant to emotionally unhealthy people. My profile not only proclaims pretty loudly that I'm introverted, it is REEEELY long so I'm pretty sure anyone who gets to the end of it and still decides to write to me has a distinct preference for an introvert. And I get lots of mail from men who like what they read.

LOTS of people are turned on by the idea that the other person LIKES being by themselves because that means, by definition, the other won't want to be joined at the hip - which those of us forum regulars have read a bazillion times is like the kiss of death to a relationship. In other words, a profile that states or implies the person likes alone time may actually be an ADVANTAGE, not a disadvantage.

It is axiomatic that a healthy person thinks well of themself and looks after their own needs 'higher' than their partner - it's analogous to why the instructions in planes advise in the event the air masks deploy, a parent dons theirs first and THEN helps their child. That is not to say that I 'sacrifice' my partner's needs and interests, or martyr myself for my partner's needs and desires - sacrifice and martyr are both unhealthy roles. In a healthy relationship our needs and desires generally are in the same direction so neither person is 'sacrificing' the other or martyring themself. An emotionally healthy person can't run fast enough AWAY from someone who NEEDS to be put first, even above themself.
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 15
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 12:43:55 PM

It is axiomatic that a healthy person thinks well of themself and looks after their own needs 'higher' than their partner - it's analogous to why the instructions in planes advise in the event the air masks deploy, a parent dons theirs first and THEN helps their child. That is not to say that I 'sacrifice' my partner's needs and interests, or martyr myself for my partner's needs and desires - sacrifice and martyr are both unhealthy roles. In a healthy relationship our needs and desires generally are in the same direction so neither person is 'sacrificing' the other or martyring themself. An emotionally healthy person can't run fast enough AWAY from someone who NEEDS to be put first, even above themself.


AMEN to that sister!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 16
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 2:47:55 PM

The conflicting part of on line dating is that NOBODY likes finding an 'introverted' profile very attractive. Very rarely are people of the opposite sex turned 'on' by the idea you LIKE being by yourself. Both Intros and Extros alike want to know they are NEEDED for companionship, and that you think higher of them than anyone else.

Please note I did NOT say online dating people demand you put them 'above' yourselves (although some do) - what I meant by "thinking higher of them" is that people in here need to have a feeling that they are special and unique in terms of attraction. In other words, better than the 'competition'. Being nonchalant in terms of online communication simply does not work very well - and it really doesn't matter if it's an Intro or an Extro.
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 7:17:34 PM
I am not really an agoraphobic, but I really do not feel that comfortable in large crowds. I have no problems meeting and talking to people, just being around large groups of them gives me the willies. Definitely hinders my ability to "get out in the world to meet people". But also being a true scorpio doesn't help much either.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 7:35:17 PM
Hey Shakti,

I've taken the Meyers-Briggs test, and find I'm rather well balanced between introvert and extrovert. That said, I can't say that it has any effect on my dating life. More than likely my biggest hurtle is my own lack of social skills. I know I'm an absolute expert on how to turn women off, but have no idea how to turn them on.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 9:12:59 PM

The key factor to me, is how one gains energy. An extrovert does that out, with people. They tend to feel drained after too much time on their own. Whereas the opposite is true for an introvert, they are drained in social settings and recharge in solitude.

Yes....if I spend too much time in the presence of a person who wishes to interact, it will drain me unless the person knows me and allows me to do so at my own pace. I will usually need to have a way to go off and be by myself in situations in order to be able to give people my full attention in social situations. I have always felt like I needed to know there was an escape in order to be OK with anything social outside of work.

So I'm curious, for the introverts out there.. taking this aspect of your being into account, how has dating been? Do you tend to gravitate toward other introverts, or find yourself drawn out more by extroverts?

I don't mind an extrovert so long as they don't require it of me. There are times I want to stay in and will want them to go places without me, or will go but may not want to jump into the conversation but would rather observe. Extroverts tend to take personally that I need time alone. I prefer introverts as they require the same time to themselves I do - so they won't give me a lot of grief about needing it. At the end of the day when single I am guaranteed not to be obligated to interact or not to have to give up any alone time I need, and I consider dating a possible threat to that guarantee.

Many times when meeting someone from a dating site rather than hoping the guy likes me and wanting to make a good impression date wise I am wondering if I'll like him and hoping I don't regret going. That's the truth.

As for Myers-Briggs, I am an INTJ all the way.

Introvert/Extrovert measures how one processes information about their world
When used in the Myers Briggs scale, the I/E does NOT describe simply whether one prefers to be solitary or 'with others.' One can still be an introvert while in a crowd (although it's definitely not the preferred place for an introvert to be), or a party, or even in a one-to-one relationship. One can be an introvert and have a very ‘extroverted’ job like lawyer or project manager because the distinction for I/E is how the person processes information, not merely whether they prefer to be alone or with others.

Absolutely. I've been asked as a person who's primarily introverted why I am a DJ (I got asked this today, in fact). I can be in a crowd and not have any personal interaction - in fact, I often will go places to people watch (or check out the setup and operations of a place) without ever talking to anyone outside of the front door and the bartender and I'm fine with that. As a DJ I can talk "at" a group of people without ever interacting "with" any of them. There are nights that after I get a request from a customer who approaches the booth I don't want any further conversation. There are nights I'm fine with talking to customers but I have to be in the mood for it - and I usually don't want to unless I am in the mood for it. Sounds terrible, but it's how I feel. I will usually politely exchange pleasantries anyway and try to end the conversation as quickly as possible for the sake of my job.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 20
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/6/2014 9:18:52 PM
Well, I'm an INTP on the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). I'm good at faking extroversion but my true introversion is obvious when I make a first phone call. Awkward as hell. Introverts usually want someone else to answer the phone or door.

I can write well or take an exam fine but face to face first dates, interviews or first phone calls are awkward.

I would say first dates are awkward and I probably create a lot of false hope prior to, through email and text, because I write well but I don't speak as well face to face. Does that make sense?

I gravitate toward extroverts, like a moth to a flame, lol. They're the ying to my yang. I'm always concerned I'm not being social enough because I don't articulate my thoughts as well as the extroverts do. If they could only hear my thoughts, they'd understand that I'm on the same page as them.

I'm not sure an extrovert would be attracted to an introvert either. Would an introvert be into another introvert? I wouldn't be...

I'm ranting:)
 Non_je_ne_regrette_rien
Joined: 3/31/2014
Msg: 21
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/7/2014 3:11:30 AM
I'm curious how many of you paid for your test. Meyers-Briggs does not share this test for free online. If you took a test I suggest you look at where you took your MBTI and see what test you actually took.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/7/2014 7:29:13 AM
INFP all the way.

All my good friends are introverts...The lady I am with is very introverted, but also speaks my primary love languages so we really "get" each other on levels I simply wasnt able to with my ex wife.
It's funny that we support each other in large venues and we both know "the look" when one of us has simply had enough.
Oddly enough, if she is having a good time, then I more actively try to get involved in something.
No sense in withdrawing...right?

If nothing else, I can people watch...:)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 23
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/7/2014 10:18:42 AM
Sweet Danimal:
The conflicting part of on line dating is that NOBODY likes finding an 'introverted' profile very attractive. Very rarely are people of the opposite sex turned 'on' by the idea you LIKE being by yourself. Both Intros and Extros alike want to know they are NEEDED for companionship, and that you think higher of them than anyone else.
I get what you're saying, and know full well that I wouldn't appeal to many men. Not the reality of me anyway. A fantasy based on pics seems to work pretty good for some guys though, lol.

I personally gravitate toward those who admit they like a lot of 'me time', that tells me they have a hope of understanding that aspect of me. The ones who need to be constantly busy and can't relax would never work for me and vice versa.

people in here need to have a feeling that they are special and unique in terms of attraction. In other words, better than the 'competition'. Being nonchalant in terms of online communication simply does not work very well - and it really doesn't matter if it's an Intro or an Extro.
I always make sure to tell a guy he's the only one interesting to me when that is the case. And it usually is.
CynthiaSM:
hiding in the restroom (come on you INTJs, you know you’ve done that too!)
Hahahaha!! INFP here, but I do that too- frequently! You may have found some of the descriptions of I/E limiting, and I understand the distinction you are making.. but I would still rather be by myself than to have to steal alone time to process my own way amidst others. I too have a social job, and it drains me to my core. I think that may be part of why I have had such a big change (from ENFJ to INFP) as well.

WIP:
Extroverts tend to take personally that I need time alone.
Ugh, I know. I had one guy who would flip out because I wanted to stay home and read a book. He thought I was cheating on him

At the end of the day when single I am guaranteed not to be obligated to interact or not to have to give up any alone time I need, and I consider dating a possible threat to that guarantee.
Exactly how I feel.

Many times when meeting someone from a dating site rather than hoping the guy likes me and wanting to make a good impression date wise I am wondering if I'll like him and hoping I don't regret going. That's the truth.
Same here. I had to learn to make that subtle but profound shift, and once you do there is no going back.

I can be in a crowd and not have any personal interaction
In more ways than one, I cannot do that.

I'm a psychiatric nurse, having 1:1 sessions with clients is part of the job. So if interacting with well adjusted people gets to an introvert, imagine how draining it is to be around those with a variety of personality disorders and mental health issues? Especially when you are handcuffed by the by the psychiatrist's who play into them. Oh the stories I could tell!! Anyway, there's no escape, not even from other staff, other than the back room that I found to meditate in- thank God!

And besides that, if I'm out.. interacting with others tends to just come natural, I guess maybe I don't know how to shut off when out. The extrovert part of me comes to the fore. But there's a line I cannot go past, where I can feel myself just shut down and the need to get away becomes extremely strong.

Thanks for the responses, so it would seem that no one else has had a change in their way of being regarding I/E...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 24
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/7/2014 11:09:19 AM

Both Intros and Extros alike want to know they are NEEDED for companionship, and that you think higher of them than anyone else.

I had to respond to this - I didn't catch it before. Not all people need to be (or want to know they are) needed for companionship or anything else. Just reading that sentence makes me uncomfortable - I'm all for being chosen to interact with by someone who wants it. Being needed for it just makes me want to run...in fact I would find wanting to know I am needed to be narcissistic, and to need someone to me is not an attractive quality - one that I will fight when I see it happening to me. While humans do need general interactions with other humans and I accept that, when you throw me into the equation on either side it just changes in the personal context.

I'm a psychiatric nurse, having 1:1 sessions with clients is part of the job. So if interacting with well adjusted people gets to an introvert, imagine how draining it is to be around those with a variety of personality disorders and mental health issues? Especially when you are handcuffed by the by the psychiatrist's who play into them. Oh the stories I could tell!! Anyway, there's no escape, not even from other staff, other than the back room that I found to meditate in- thank God!

I really don't envy this. Don't get me wrong I am great at customer service and knowing what people need and tending to that in the workplace - but I'm all about solving problems and moving on quickly. I think my limit is about 15 minutes. I could never really do any type of health or mental care job because in a lot of cases the problem isn't ever solved. I'm not a great candidate for project management either - I like deadlines, blueprints and a clear way to a solution before something begins. Those would be some interesting stories, indeed.

And besides that, if I'm out.. interacting with others tends to just come natural, I guess maybe I don't know how to shut off when out. The extrovert part of me comes to the fore. But there's a line I cannot go past, where I can feel myself just shut down and the need to get away becomes extremely strong.

Yes, same here. When out and about I will interact in the direction of others and I can talk to anyone at an arms length about them and skim things like the weather, etc. It's when the conversation becomes more of a two way street and I get the questions that I want to back out and walk away. As much as I feel others have important things to say and want to tell their story - I feel that mine isn't really relevant to them or what's going on in any depth - not in the sense that I don't think they care but in the sense that I don't think they need to know.

Fortunately turning the conversation back to the other person usually works pretty well because of the basic fact that most people love to talk about themselves.

However there are certain days I long to be out around crowds, but have no interest in actually engaging anyone in the crowd on a personal level. It's likely a thing I developed as a person in the entertainment field. In jobs like that you do a lot of standing back and watching how many people turn up somewhere, what they do, what they like to eat, listen to, what path they take when walking around a place, etc. I frequently like to be part of the backdrop and want the option to step out of it and back in at my leisure.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 25
Dating as an Introvert..
Posted: 4/7/2014 11:55:36 AM
This is an interesting conversation.

In my work I do a national show every monday where we talk motivation, sales, and other stuff with our sales force. When in public, I don't mind interacting with people, asking questions, but I don't like being the center of attention. I prefer women that are also introvert, that values our time alone, instead of being in the middle of the pack. So I would consider myself an introvert.

I for instance, dislike talking to strangers on the telephone. Hate it so much, that when dating, I set my meeting during email, and only talk to confirm. Once I am in a comfortable relationship I can talk to my SO without any problems. I can spend hours on my own, I guess is part of being a writer so I am never alone, but with a character or a scene.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dating as an Introvert..