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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many f      Home login  
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 Real.
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 1
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Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine opennessPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So. I don't have a problem finding dates, but I find that...now, in my 30's, I am looking for a genuine connection, not just fun dating, and...I'm not sure how to do that! I had a date with a nice girl last night. We had good conversation over dinner for about an hour and a half, and then...it just hit a wall. It's like...ok, now what? This seems to happen a lot. We talk about substantial issues, share our personalities, and then....then what? How are we supposed to....connect?

The girls who I have, in the past, actually been able to generate genuine connection and find chemistry with, I EXCLUSIVELY met casually...either at friends dinners a few weeks in a row, dinners, through family gatherings, etc..in other words, I was able to be myself, she was able to be herself, we each had our own activities and conversations going, but through that openness and vulnerability we both noticed the commonalities and chemistry.

In contrast, dating seems...so contrived, so dry. You sit with someone, and in the space of a dinner, are supposed to figure out if you have common goals, dreams, personalities, quirks...and this is, if course, impossible. Doing silly things like arcades, bowling, mini-golf, etc...again, it's all really cute, but in no way am I able to show who I "really" am, and see who she "really" is. It just feels forced and impersonal.

I am beginning to fell like...dating doesn't work! It seems like a really POOR way of getting to know someone. But...how else DO you get to know someone who you do not otherwise meet in those social situations?
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 10:42:56 AM
Perhaps you need to explore shorter "activity dating" with a clearly specified start and ending time.
Go for a run around a lake or a bicycle ride through a park and back to your cars.
Conversations are easier when the oxygen is flowing and you don't need that first date to be hours long.
Good luck with your romantic search.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 3
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 11:54:03 AM

dating seems...so contrived, so dry.
I totally agree.

Not that I think the random, in person method is necessarily fool-proof. At least with online dating, you can head certain incompatibilities off at the pass. And I do believe that you can find *it* through this method, I've had it happen before. The first guy I ever met off this site many moons ago. That was the only time though, the rest were all great guys.. but.. we just lacked chemistry.

But...how else DO you get to know someone who you do not otherwise meet in those social situations?
Especially when you don't even feel like socializing, because it's normally centred around things that don't interest you in the slightest.

I'm not sure what the solution is, I kinda feel like if it's meant to be, it will be. If not? I'm cool with that too.

My one question is- how long do you typically talk to a girl before a date? Personally, if I can weed them out over email, I'd vastly prefer that to in person.
 Real.
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 4
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Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 12:12:25 PM

Couldn't have been much of a connection since you aren't dating any of them now.......


Umm no, just religiously incompatible or age inappropriate.. We actually had amazing chemistry.
 tatersprout
Joined: 8/23/2013
Msg: 5
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 12:37:50 PM

in the space of a dinner, are supposed to figure out if you have common goals, dreams, personalities, quirks...and this is, if course, impossible. Doing silly things like arcades, bowling, mini-golf, etc...again, it's all really cute, but in no way am I able to show who I "really" am, and see who she "really" is. It just feels forced and impersonal.

Why are you trying to find out so much and tell so much in the course of a meal? That's too much pressure. Learning about someone is gradual and unfolds naturally.

The worst dates I've been on have been more like interviews with no spontaneity.
Don't try to convince me to be interested or want more dates. I learn more when you are being yourself.
I don't like sharing personal info with someone I've just met. Feels like prying.
Why do some people have to make it so difficult? If 2 people can summarize who they "really" are in 2 hrs, they are boring people.

A date is supposed to be fun, interesting, and pressure free. You aren't applying for a job!

Those "silly things like arcades, bowling, mini-golf" are meant to take pressure off constant direct conversation, to share a pleasurable activity, and show an aspect of yourself. When you relax, the conversation flows.
Let things unfold naturally.
If it feels forced and impersonal to you, then it is. But it is you that makes it this way.
What is the big rush?
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 6
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 12:45:59 PM
^^^

If there are any remaining questions, simply reread the excellent post by tatersprout above! :-)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 7
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 12:59:00 PM

Why are you trying to find out so much and tell so much in the course of a meal? That's too much pressure. Learning about someone is gradual and unfolds naturally.
But really, either you feel a connection/chemistry or the potential for such, or you don't.

It's not something that can be forced over time.

To me the Op was saying that he has run into women he has had chemistry with much easier in random, casual settings, than with online meet and greets. And if so, I understand what he is saying.

Though online it's easier to eliminate certain incompatibilities, that definitely doesn't guarantee chemistry.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 8
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 1:39:55 PM
When you meet someone and you DO share a connection, none of the things you worried about in this thread will matter.

It is either there, or it is not. Meeting folks who check off all of the things we like about people, from a dating site, just doesnt guarantee you will connect with that person. Believe me, I met a few really great catches (on paper). They met all of my criteria AND I found them to be attractive....but we didnt want to smooch upon meeting a couple of times and that was that. (I wanted to want to smooch-but we cannot force these things)

It took me a long time to finally meet a man I could respect, and want to smooch with. When I say a long time, I mean years. This aint no 'instant tool', that's for sure! lol
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/8/2014 2:26:27 PM
I have a fairly subtle thing which you might want to ponder for a bit about this.

When we were all younger, twenteens especially, a lot of this sort of getting-to-know stuff seemed to be easier, less stilted. But that was itself, due in part to a huge bunch of illusions, which basically centered around the fact that most of us thought we already WERE compatible as people, as long as we looked "hot" to each other.

After we go through the mill of late twenties especially, and have to deal with the big practicalities of setting up a surprisingly expensive life for yourself (i.e. have some sort of career), we come to realize that it really is a LOT more complicated than just being "turned on," plus we usually begin to find that we are NOT turned on, anywhere near as easily as we used to be. Mostly because we learned the hard and painful way, that "making love" isn't really MAKING LOVE.

Now, when we go back and try to "date" again, the same procedures (i.e. chit chat and silly little fake adventures) that USED to work to make us feel that we were hot on the trail of a new mate, seem pointless and empty. Not because they are any less useful than they were when we were young, but because they are EXACTLY as meaningless as we didn't realize they were back then.

In short, maybe you are worried/depressed/bored/feeling lost, because although you HAVE recognized that you can't make things happen well, that fast,...you haven't adjusted your expectations to match that recognition. It will take a lot more work and a lot more patience, and a lot more observation to find anything out about each other, and/or the development of "chemistry" will have to be based on more than mutual life fantasies.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 10
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/10/2014 6:48:20 AM
OP, I think you already have it figured out.

You didn't mention if these are online dates or people you have met and spoke with face to face in real life.

I never found that the online dating thing made much sense or really ever felt good doing. I know what you mean about that "forced" feeling, the awkwardness and this "blind date" feeling...like how did I suddenly land here with this person, and now we are trying to find some common ground and it's like fumbling in the dark sometimes.

Chemistry I think is the easiest of all components...the "turn on" as Igor put it. *Long term compatibility* and a real emotional connection that is truly meaningful is the hardest.

Compatibility I think is THE ultimate difficulty, in the end.

My two long term relationships (both almost 9 years) came from a familiar common ground situation of getting to know them at work first, hanging out and chatting in a non dating situation for hours, seeing how they interact with you and others, realizing you are excited to see them each day, that sort of thing. The connection happens BEFORE the date.

Now, so many of us try to make the connection ON the date, with a stranger chosen from a photo profile. It works, for some people. It's not impossible, but for some it doesn't always feel natural. But if that's the way you've chosen to go, and from what you said you don't have problems even finding dates, then just keep dating and moving along if it doesn't seem right.

I also agree with Igor, the whole thing about how you chase the "turn on" and fantasy, and I think time makes you a bit more realistic, and more wise about your own needs, what works and what doesnt.
 Crystal_Planet
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 11
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/14/2014 4:58:03 AM
At least with online dating, you can head certain incompatibilities off at the pass.
My one question is- how long do you typically talk to a girl before a date? Personally, if I can weed them out over email, I'd vastly prefer that to in person.


I disagree with this. Online dating is one of the most inorganic ways of meeting a potential partner there is. Especially how people tend to use the message/email portion as a weed out tool and unless something is exceptionally glaring (ie. "I like to torture puppies in my spare time") all the subtleties and nuances are missing from text and something you miss, can be picked up face to face - good or bad.

I'd much rather find out incompatibility over a 10 minute coffee than a month and a half of emails and texts...
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 12
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/14/2014 3:33:36 PM
To Opp : It is the internet dating environment , women think the next guy will be better . Unfortunately the only thing they will end up with is nothing . The old candy store mentality . I wonder just how many women wished they could go back a few or more men to the one they really wanted . Unfortunately once they go by , that is pretty much it .
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 13
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/14/2014 10:04:54 PM
"To Opp : It is the internet dating environment , women think the next guy will be better . Unfortunately the only thing they will end up with is nothing . The old candy store mentality . I wonder just how many women wished they could go back a few or more men to the one they really wanted . Unfortunately once they go by , that is pretty much it ."

Give me a break, I find more men than women have that grass is greener syndrome. I've had it happen more than once....I took my profile down or at least put in a paragraph that I was seeing someone and not looking to talk to anybody else to see how things would work out. The guys NEVER took down their profile, even though they claimed they weren't talking to anyb0dy. BS in all cases - I have female friends here on POF and they hit the guys in question up and found out what they were really up to. Yup, they continued to shop around, while stringing me along.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 14
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/15/2014 7:13:20 AM
Showing that much skin , just exactly what type of men do you expect to find ?For me personally , a woman that shows that much skin at a online site is not relationship materiel to start with in the first place .Also a man could care less if you have a good job or a nice house or whatever else you feel the need to brag about . I stay away from profiles loaded with stipulations and narcissism . Many women feel the need to state they have a nice house and a good job , a little hint , men do not care at all about what a woman has . It seems in reality it is the women that cares about what a man has , pretty much sums things up . Let me ask you a question , with most the women going after only 20% of the men do you women actually think those men are going to settle . Good luck with that .
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 15
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/15/2014 11:00:47 AM
^^^^LOL...You never cease to amaze me with your wisdom...can't figure out why you haven't been snatched up yet!
FYI......A lot of men do care about the money end of it....as well!

OP....I feel most of us are on guard on any first date....as someone mentioned all you need to know is...were they being truthful about age...looks and would you be interested in knowing more about them.
Of course....it has to be mutual. I would never disclose all on a first meet but I am always truthful.
No one said this method is easy and it requires effort...attitude...timing and compatability....just like in real life!
Just a little unorthodox...
Many have met their partners on dating sites...maybe you need to take a break!
Good Luck!!
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 16
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/16/2014 8:18:12 PM
"Showing that much skin , just exactly what type of men do you expect to find ?"

Haha, how rich. I started online dating almost two years ago and with very conservative pics. Exact same results with those pics as with the "racy" ones. And I don't want an uptight guy who is judgmental like that anyways. Someone like that is not relationship material for me either. I'm great relationship material, btw, I was married once for 20 years. Can you trump that?
 MikeTO12345
Joined: 2/9/2014
Msg: 17
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/19/2014 5:30:15 AM

Haha, how rich. I started online dating almost two years ago and with very conservative pics. Exact same results with those pics as with the "racy" ones. And I don't want an uptight guy who is judgmental like that anyways. Someone like that is not relationship material for me either. I'm great relationship material, btw, I was married once for 20 years. Can you trump that?



You may have been relationship material in the past, it doesn't seem like now since you're still single after 2 years of online dating. Some people have been on terrible marriages that dragged on for a long time because they couldn't afford to divorce yet. Who knows maybe your ex hubby wanted to end much sooner than he could.

I highly doubt you would dress like that in real life. You are trying to get attention that's for sure why would you dress like that? It's no different than a guy shirtless trying to get attention. Do you honestly expect a guy to take his profile down when you're practically dying for attention. If a woman dressed in slutty clothes (low cut top with short skirt) I am going to assume it's going to be a hook up. No matter you say that's going to be in a guy's head because men tend to be visual.
 MikeTO12345
Joined: 2/9/2014
Msg: 18
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/19/2014 5:38:39 AM
^^^^LOL...You never cease to amaze me with your wisdom...can't figure out why you haven't been snatched up yet!
FYI......A lot of men do care about the money end of it....as well!



Are you living under a rock? Many women's requirement is must be "professional", "must make as much money as I do"



How money plays into sex, dating and marriage is an often-studied topic. A report by Dr. Catherine Hakim released in January showed that women are choosing richer husbands, or "marrying up" more today than they did in the 1940s. And a controversial 2009 study found that while several factors affected a woman's reported enjoyment of sex, the most influential was her partner's income.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/18/do-women-want-rich-men_n_879760.html


Men in general don't care unless he thinks a woman is a gold digger. If money wasn't an issue for women then they would go dutch or at least offer to go dutch. Most women won't even consider a 2nd date if the guy didn't pay. You're just talking of your butt pretending it's true.
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 19
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/19/2014 7:47:44 AM

Most women won't even consider a 2nd date if the guy didn't pay. You're just talking of your butt pretending it's true.

I'm sure there are women....only dating for meals/money....men have to choose better women.
Myself and my friends....offer to pay our own way...always!
A lot of men in my age group are looking for women that don't need supported...call them the smart ones.
Not willing to hand over their years of hard work and there are women that feel the same...believe it or not...I don't really care.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 20
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/22/2014 2:10:09 PM
What I see as the problem is that you are thinking that for the date to be successful you need to have her like you and you like her. If that is not the direction of the date, then you feel contrived or that it's a failure.

Instead judge the date not by whether you like each other or not, but that you had a chance to discover. So the date is successful if you DISCOVER something about the other person. When you remove these judgements, then it doesn't matter what the outcome may be. It gives you the freedom to be yourself, to be loud, to be silly, to explore that side of her. If she does not respond well, again, it's not a failure, its just and indicator that this one is not your thing.

Unfortunately for you, blaming the date for your discomfort it's like blaming water for the cause of human death. Since every single person that has drank water, died.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 21
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/29/2014 10:42:55 AM
trust - i only got on here about a week or so ago. always remember that most men on here are very bitter divorced guys (mostly 40 plus) so if they don't hear what they want from the females on here they are like attack sharks. Just ignore its and deal with more neutral non-judgemental men like Igor, etc.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 22
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/29/2014 6:57:29 PM

You may have been relationship material in the past, it doesn't seem like now since you're still single after 2 years of online dating. Some people have been on terrible marriages that dragged on for a long time because they couldn't afford to divorce yet. Who knows maybe your ex hubby wanted to end much sooner than he could.

I highly doubt you would dress like that in real life. You are trying to get attention that's for sure why would you dress like that? It's no different than a guy shirtless trying to get attention. Do you honestly expect a guy to take his profile down when you're practically dying for attention. If a woman dressed in slutty clos (low cut top with short skirt) I am going to assume it's going to be a hook up. No matter you say that's going to be in a guy's head because men tend to be visual.


Of course, men who are serious about relationships only want relationships with homely women in baggy pants and loose sweaters. Best get the burka out, too. Gotcha. Wonder why my husband cheated on me when I was dressing like that (baggy pants and loose sweaters) and took off with a skank he met on adult friend finder. And BTW, I'm the one who filed for divorce and he is on his own now too because his GF dumped him. Oh well. BTW, I've had two men propose to me in the two years I've been online, slutty outfit and all, but I said no for a variety of reasons. I'm still single because I'm PICKY, REALLY picky. I have my house, my career, my kids, I don't feel the urgency to be with someone because my biological or any other clock is ticking. I want to be with someone on my wavelength. Bitter guys like you certainly aren't one of them.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 23
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 4/29/2014 7:05:25 PM
Many women feel the need to state they have a nice house and a good job , a little hint , men do not care at all about what a woman has . It seems in reality it is the women that cares about what a man has , pretty much sums things up . Let me ask you a question , with most the women going after only 20% of the men do you women actually think those men are going to settle . Good luck with that .


Ah, another clue for me, thank you. So lets sum this up: men want unattractive, homely women in baggy outfits, or better yet, a burka so as not to show that they have a nice figure and "gasp" BREASTS. And best to be an unemployed well fare mom, because having a good career and money is not important to men. Dang, Im doing this all wrong, LOL. In other words, I need to wear mom jeans and clothes that hide my figure, be poor and a gold digger and have no direction in life. Ok then....


trust - i only got on here about a week or so ago. always remember that most men on here are very bitter divorced guys (mostly 40 plus) so if they don't hear what they want from the females on here they are like attack sharks. Just ignore its and deal with more neutral non-judgemental men like Igor, etc.


No kidding, lol That's why I date younger guys who aren't shrill prudes and are open minded. Even though I've met a few guys my age and older who are not acting like they're over the hill.
 azulocean
Joined: 5/17/2010
Msg: 24
Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 5/27/2014 2:16:37 PM
proteaus I really appreciate your male opinion & info on what other women are saying their profiles and what men are NOT interested in knowing from a woman. I have struggled with not feeling I "match up" to what society expected me to be able to do as a single educated woman; I was suppose to be able to do "the American Dream" on my own, ie., really nice house, really nice car, and did not make that in my life due to circumstances that were not in my control. Therefore, I have felt that I was not on the "same terms or in same league" as the men I want to date. I did not know men did not care about my ability to achieve all this; I thought they would like that as then the woman would not be a "gold digger," in need of saving or financially dependent on them. Guess I was way off the mark? My profile talks about the personality, moral traits I want in a man and what mine are and my interests but I have had dismal luck. So could you or the other men on the site clue me into what it is that you DO want to know besides the ones who only want go know my bra size or how well I can take care of them??
 shadowcats
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 25
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Feel like don't know how to date and connect anymore...despite many first dates! No genuine openness
Posted: 6/1/2014 6:43:22 PM
TrustinKarma - I'm a woman by the way and I also think the message you're giving across to men is that you're into a hook up. Men are really simple. They see visuals like you're putting up and they immediately think that's what you're after. Or that's what you'd be up for.
The reason "most men" would not think you're wife material is that most men wouldn't want to marry an "easy" woman and you're screaming easy by putting up those pictures. Most men are really insecure and would not want to share their woman with other men (obviously).
It also seems to me that men who are drawn to "easy" women are either players themselves or they have low self-esteem.
I'm not suggesting you wear unfashionable clothes, but guys want "classy" not "slutty".
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