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 ktxginger
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 2
trust issues or just not interested?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Since you didn't mention what it was, we have no way of knowing what your 'white lie' was. However, he cooled off immediately after you told him the truth and then you guys stopped seeing each other - so I'd say that it was a huge deal for him. If he didn't talk to you for months and then texted you briefly, but didn't answer your question - he isn't interested.

It sounds like he has trust issues AND he's not interested. He won't take your calls, doesn't answer questions via text ... what makes you think you have another chance at going out with him?

You thought it was unfair ... Well, maybe he thought it was unfair that you lied to him. A white lie is still a lie. You blew this one - move on and stop lying.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 3
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 8:05:17 PM

If this is the case it’s beyond me how someone could just ‘shut off’ like that.


Its because he's not all there!
Be glad this happened sooner rather than later
The only mistake you can make now is to keep contacting him!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 8:25:16 PM
This all happened in a few weeks of meeting him? Way too much too soon. I have no idea what you lied about but if it was something that really wasn't his business at the time, I wouldn't have felt the need to tell him anything, again, I do not know what you lied about. So a few weeks and all hell breaks loose and he's over the top and gone. I have no idea why you answered him, with some hopes no less, when he suddenly showed up from nowhere. I wouldn't have answered him, he'd already shown how he feels, sounds like a whole lot of drama for a few weeks. But that's up to you, are you really that interested in someone who acts like that then shows back and has already disappeared again?

I wanted to add, had I been him and found your lie to be a deal breaker, I'd have gone too, but then he comes back and then seems to leave you hanging again....something is fishy with this guy.
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 8:39:56 PM

it’s beyond me how someone could just ‘shut off’ like that.

well, your timeline is vague, but it doesn't sound like you and he were dating for more than a few months - right about the time the first warts start showing. a 'white lie,' for instance. that's the kind of thing that can expose just how flimsy a connection of a few months really is.

as far as you getting back with him, i just don't see how you could make it happen when he doesn't even want to make small talk with you very badly, let alone discuss any deeper subjects.

He just wrote me off which I felt was unfair

i suggest you try to separate the notion of fairness from courtship, a process of discovery where so little is known about the other that which any new bit of information can be a dealbreaker. i strongly suggest you consider whether it's premature to start dressing someone up in your relationship fantasy costume who you've known for a few measly months. c'mon. you're not a dewy teenager anymore.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 6
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 8:53:51 PM
when a partner wants to find drama, they will find it somehow. when they badly want to feel a victim, they will find a way somehow. People post here daily about major red flags they overlook on someone they really desire.

if it was truly a small lie, then he shut you off b/c feeling like a victim is far more important to him. it defines who he is--not the one running away, not the one ending the relationship, but the hapless victim. If indeed it was a bigger lie than you claim, then he's cutting you off for other reasons.

either way...ball is in his court. He has to put on his big boy pants if he wants you back, and make the next move. if he wants to live life, then he needs to be a big boy and live it, bruises and all. or he can play victim role for the rest of his life, and enjoy not much more than the emotions that come from being a victim.
 dark_eyed_rebel
Joined: 1/2/2014
Msg: 7
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 8:54:47 PM
Maybe I should use his approach, he's got you hooked. Me going the straight forward route got me a bunch of "not interested" messages.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 8
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 9:44:28 PM
Exact same thing happened to me with a guy I met in December 2012 and we hit it off amazingly. He was the one who pursued me hot and heavy, and then later down the line accused me of lying and cheating to him (( wasn't - he was the man of my dreams up until that point). He also totally cut me off, blocked me on Facebook and later on POF when I spotted him on here and tried to reach out. Long story short, turns out he was actually the one cheating and accusing me of causing drama (because I didn't put up with his behavior). He has some serious trust issues too as the mother of his child cheated on him. Nothing I can do about that - I tried to convince him that my feelings for him were true and that I never lied or cheated on him. It's pointless. As someone earlier said, if he wants to see himself as the victim, there is nothing anybody can do to make him snap out of it. I tried all I could to reach out to him and work things out, but I'm finally getting to where I just give up. It was the best when we first started out, and I want to much to get that back, but it will never happen again. The beginning was so magical, nobody else has compared since then. OP, we need to let it go, as hard as it is.
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 10
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/14/2014 11:29:21 PM
When he asked for the update did it include anything similar to the "white lie" from before? There are lots of deal breakers, we all have them and they are all different. One of mine is too many details of ex's and overly chummy women friends. I don't want to know about it, don't think that type of info builds romance, in fact I think it kills it, or at least it does for me.

I've learned not to say anything because the standard response is you must be jealous or insecure. Instead I'll just be on my way, sorry we are not a match and don't want to get into it. I'm pretty sure plenty of guys have said the same thing you are saying now but about me.

You guys aren't a match.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 4:12:01 AM
Well, to start:

He explained that this had thrown him (trust issues as ex wife cheated on him) and even though he appreciated it was a minor twist of truth and could see why i did it he said it changed things for him. I said I appreciated this but would like to talk. Subsequently we text and called a bit but he kept putting it off, making excuses then said he wasn’t sure he felt the same anymore.

That was the time to resolve it really, if it was ever going to be/get resolved at all.


Unfortunately I freaked out a bit and left a kind of stressed/upset ‘please can we talk’ message on his voicemail. He only text back. I was p*** at this point as I thought that was rude and un-gentlemanly not to give me any air time and just cut me off. Anyway, that was end of that. I stopped contacting him and i didn’t hear from him again until a few months later when he text me asking how I was doing.

That was *you* cutting him off, because it sounds like you at least were somewhat communicating up until then, and you chose to stop it. Not making a judgement of right/wrong about that, just that it was your part in things.


So, any thoughts re if I bother giving it another crack? He just wrote me off which I felt was unfair and everyone that knows thought it was over nothing but knowing his past can see the hurt he’s most likely trying to avoid. If so, is there anything I can do and if so, how to approach it (hard over text as previously he hasn't taken my calls and I messed up the voicemail)? Or, am I just making excuses and he’s plain not interested - ever . If this is the case it’s beyond me how someone could just ‘shut off’ like that. I know, even when I’ve had my heart broken it takes me a long time not to care about the other person.


Honestly, I'd have to say it was mutual... you both shut off on each other - him on you, which might have been resolvable, and then you on him which pretty much ended any chance of resolution.

It takes most of us time to 'not care'... I'm not even sure, for myself anyways, I ever stop 'caring' completely - I would feel bad for an ex even years later if I heard something really bad happened. I might not contact them over it, but I'd feel bad for them, if they ever meant something to me I can't really wish any of them 'ill'.

My personal opinion though... if you *really* wanted to, you wouldn't be asking here, you'd just be doing it... asking kinda says your heart really isn't in it at this point.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 4:57:40 AM
I'll point out some of the smaller, but still significant things in this.


I had not been completely honest with him about something (a white lie) and told him I needed to clarify as when we initially meet he was clear how big he was on truth and honour etc – a big deal to him. He seemed ok with it then next day went quiet one me.


This is an example of behavioral inertia, not of forgiveness.

At the time you revealed your lie, whatever it was, he had been headed down the trail of getting together with you for some time. He was following a fantasy script just as you were, so he said his next line, in order to keep going the same direction. Then after he got away and thought everything through more thoroughly, he decided that it was a deal breaker after all.


He seemed ok with it then next day went quiet one me. I was perplexed and never for a second thought it could be re what I said – seemed so minor and he even acknowledged it at the time as such. So I enquired what was up. He explained that this had thrown him (trust issues as ex wife cheated on him) and even though he appreciated it was a minor twist of truth and could see why i did it he said it changed things for him.


This is a clear signal that he had realized that he HAD been living out a fantasy version of what the two of you were about, and was coming to grips with reality. This is very common for all romances, and is a critical moment. We get our hopes up that we've found the mate of our dreams, take repeated tokes on the brain-addling chemicals that we generate in ourselves during "crushes," and then some relatively small thing pops up which makes us realize that we HAVE just been smoking from our own stash, and we have to take a more sober look at the other person.

It's very common at that moment to become very frightened, and withdraw, because we can't remember for sure whether we've already promised to marry a complete stranger, so to speak.

It has nothing to do with how large or small the fantasy-bubble popping thing was. It is the fact that it was pooped, that matters.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 14
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 6:13:15 AM

A "spark" doesn't mean anything. I'm taking a psychology course right now and they define an attribute of the 'spark' as being only sexual. That's all it is.


Unless this is a 101 class, you might want to ask for your money back. "Spark" is so much more than sexual it's not funny.
Its acknowledgement of needs both spoken and unspoken, acknowledged and silent. Unmet needs from childhood and wishes and identifying with parental influences...good or bad. Its the dance around these needs and if the partner might be able to satify some or all of them.

If it was just sexual, then all men would feel spark when they saw a woman.
That isnt the case as I have observed it.

OP, sounds like you rattled his cage and he is trying a bit to reconcile that, but isnt making progress.
For someone who has been cheated on...insignificant molehills can become mountains once viewed through the lense of betrayal.
 DaisyDotes
Joined: 2/6/2014
Msg: 15
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 6:23:45 AM
The problem with little white lies is there is no such thing. A lie is a lie no matter how big it is. Most people beginning a relationship want to know that you are trustworthy if they have trust issues or not. You simply failed in showing that you can be trusted. If he is an honest person himself then he perhaps has zero tolerance for liars.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 16
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 6:32:06 AM
They key here is that I am not speaking about conscious needs or choices. Its instincual and mostly unspoken. Thats is why certain people gravitate towards each other who you would not think would normally do so.

It's also why people wake up after the honeymoon and realize this person wont do.

There is definitely a sexual component to it. I would never leave that part out.
But there is also a pretty strong dance that gos on between two people who are attracted to each other.
I cant tell you how many couples I have treated who made a life decision based of the spark and didnt wait for it become something more stable.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 17
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 6:53:48 AM
It was not a misunderstanding, telling a lie means you deliberately set out to deceive. Just because you decided it was time to come clean eventually, does not mean that the other person has to accept your explanation or forgive.
He knew his ex wife to be a liar and so it does not matter how insignificant you felt the lie was, he gave it far more gravity based on his experiences.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 18
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 7:08:12 AM
OP, if I read correctly, you met a guy a year ago and after a few weeks, things went south. Not sure you why you still want to possibly contact this guy after almost a year. If that is the case, he isn't interested. Been too long, time to move on and find another.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 19
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 7:08:22 AM
That one little white lie is all it takes to drive the type of man away you are describing . My self for example , I look at things as either they are lies or truth , there is no grey area in between . If I was just getting to know a woman and found out she had lied (any degree of a lie ) , I would immediately terminate contact , a lie is a lie and there those such as my self that won't tolerate even a small one (fib ) , etc . Also by telling the small lie you broke the trust and he will probably not trust you .
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 20
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 8:38:42 AM
OP...what really does it matter? If he has backed off because of the "white lie" or because someone else came along or whatever...why would you want to keep badgering him to like you?
IF he was that interested..trust me..he would have kept the communication going.
IF the "white lie" was such a deal breaker with him..oh well...live and learn.
Let it go...move on.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/15/2014 9:55:28 AM
Whatever the OP's secret is, I doubt she will make the mistake of ever revealing it again to any other guy she dates. It must be a doozy. But that could backfire if the guy was to get wind of it from some other source.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 22
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/16/2014 5:42:13 AM
I think this may be more about the definition of "spark".

"Spark" to my definition is what keeps couples coming back to each other. I would consider it the attraction that fuels the first several dates. Some might also call it 'Chemistry".

If you are talking about the intial kneejerk reaction of "Whoa! She's/He's hot!" then that would be mostly biology, but even then there are certain things that work in the underlayers.

I have a friend who LOVES redheads. A moderately attractive Red is a total hottie to him.
Why?
Because his first girlfriend was a Red?
No, it goes even deeper.
His favorite grandmother had red hair.
We give him grief about it but it never fails...when he see's one...

Maybe its unfair to class it as an 'either/or' and maybe it should be more like a spectrum.

I DO know that it's fascinating to watch it in action.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/16/2014 11:02:24 AM

If you are talking about the intial kneejerk reaction of "Whoa! She's/He's hot!" then that would be mostly biology, but even then there are certain things that work in the underlayers.

I have a friend who LOVES redheads. A moderately attractive Red is a total hottie to him.
Why?
Because his first girlfriend was a Red?
No, it goes even deeper.
His favorite grandmother had red hair.
We give him grief about it but it never fails...when he see's one...

Maybe its unfair to class it as an 'either/or' and maybe it should be more like a spectrum.


Agreed, lonescott, it's a lot more complex than just plain sexual attraction. Ever see the person that gets into combative/abusive relationships over and over? Put them in a room full of people, 19 'average' people and one whose every relationship has been the same (arguing/abuse), and they'll gravitate to them - body language, facial expression, a whole host of subtle things come into play outside of just straight 'sexual attraction'. Or guys with the 'white knight' thing going on, who's attraction is to find the 'vulnerable/timid/shy' ones that 'need saving' - dunno how they do it, but put them in a room with a dozen women from average to 'hot', and looks won't matter, they'll gravitate to the one who's attitude and body language say 'rescue me' to them.... a confident/secure woman, no matter how attractive, would be a turn-off to them. There's way more at work than just 'biology'.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 24
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/16/2014 1:38:37 PM

a confident/secure woman, no matter how attractive, would be a turn-off to them. There's way more at work than just 'biology'.



Bingo!!! So true.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 25
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/16/2014 3:32:51 PM

Posted by Completed:
"I had not been completely honest with him about something (a white lie) and told him I needed to clarify as when we initially meet he was clear how big he was on truth and honour etc – a big deal to him."

What exactly was the nature of the white lie? It hasn't been clarified and most are inclined to believe it was a doozie.
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 27
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trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/17/2014 7:19:27 AM
^^^^
Sounds like he is generalizing...either that or the presence of a "friend who has been there" decided to be "helpful".
I have seen on occasion where people work their own agenda's through their friend's lives and the advice they give is often designed to make the other person come closer to their "camp"... sort of a "justify your own life through proxy" move. Seems to occur in both sexes in one form or another.

either way it is out of your control.
Let it rest.
HE has to overcome his reservations before he can fully commit.
...and you dont really want a man who cant fully commit...right?
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 28
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/17/2014 7:53:45 AM
A white lie? Lies don't have colours attached to them
A fib is a fib.
Wonder what a blue lie is
 MikeTO12345
Joined: 2/9/2014
Msg: 29
trust issues or just not interested?
Posted: 4/17/2014 8:20:23 AM
Lying about age would be a red flag for me. I don't personally waste my time with such people.
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