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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself      Home login  
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 falconrider19
Joined: 4/11/2014
Msg: 1
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herselfPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Today is the one year anniversary since my girlfriend and I met for our first date. I'm looking forward to seeing her later on (we're having dinner at the place where we first met). It's also the same place where we had our first kiss, a few weeks after our initial date. I remember driving to the restaurant the night of our first kiss to meet her before she went on a vacation to Florida the next day. Knowing she was leaving for a beach vacation in a few hours, I wanted to assure her of my feelings for her and planned on kissing her when I walked her to her car. Which I did and it was great. We're going strong a year later.

In three days, she's leaving for a week long vacation to the same place in FLA that she went last year. She did invite me to go with her when she was booking her reservations a few months ago but I told her it was bad time of year for me to go on a vacation. She scheduled her trip to FLA anyways and told me the invitation stood if I changed my mind. But it is not possible that I go with her. She leaves on Saturday and I'm not going with her. I have mixed feelings about her going on a vacation, by herself, the week of our one-year anniversary. On one hand, I know she works hard and deserves it and on the other, I can't understand why she wouldn't sacrifice her traditional plans of going this time of year and instead planning a vacay WITH me at another time.

I've told her that I am worried about her going alone. Being on the beach by herself, nobody to look out for her. Single woman by herself, etc. The stories she told me last year about going night deep sea fishing with some random people she met-- how I didn't like that idea. She cuts me off and assures me that she'll "be fine. "

I don't like the fact that she is going. She knows my desire to go and understands that I can't go, but she's going anyway. I'm frustrated because of it.

I'm asking your opinion of this.

Also a few questions:

-She leaves from an airport that is about two hours from our city. Should I drive her there? (She hasn't asked and I haven't offered). Honestly, I don't want to drive her but I also want to be a good boyfriend, want her to be safe, etc.

- I want to get her something nice for our 1 year anniversary date tomorrow but times are financially tough, so I can't spend a lot... any ideas?
 auntyemm
Joined: 7/31/2013
Msg: 2
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 12:24:18 AM
Y ou don,t trust her do you?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 3
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 12:40:31 AM
Ok be a good sport, be happy for her, drive her to the airport, and give her a 3oz, bottle of sunscreen, so she can take it on the plane and she will get the idea you are "taking care of her" . IMO you're making something outta nothing!
 falconrider19
Joined: 4/11/2014
Msg: 4
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 12:41:26 AM
Pardon the double negative: But I don't have a reason not to trust her. I just can't help but wonder why she feels this need to go to her traditional vacation spot and time now that she's in a serious relationship. Why not wait and schedule a vacation the two of us can enjoy together?
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 5
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 12:52:30 AM
OP ... as to your "concern" over your GF traveling alone ... apparently, she has managed to do so just fine in the past, so no need for the worry...

IMO you're NOT being reasonable. She planned this vacation a while back, invited you to go with her, kept the invitation open. She did all possible to reassure you this wasn't a "I need to get away from YOU" deal but just a "I need to get away" period. She planned it so she WILL be with you on the anniversary day (pretty considerate, in my view) and no ... I see no reason why she should have "sacrificed" her plans to accommodate YOUR schedule.

I can understand being sad she is going off to have a good time while you must remain behind, and I can understand your wishing it was a "together" trip ... but you're not being specially nice by trying to "guilt" her into not going. Frankly, as the previous poster said ... I (and probably your GF) suspect this is more about fear of her being hit on by other men, etc, than anything else. Not the sort of thing to make a woman feel good.

Yes, it would be nice if you offered her a ride to the airport. She probably hopes you would but is hesitant to ask being aware you "don't like the fact that she is going."

As for the anniversary gift, I can't speak for every woman but for ME, thoughtful gifts that show the person really knows me count a whole lot more than how expensive it is.

EDIT TO ADD: re your above post as to why not postpone it ... as you said, she made these reservations MONTHS ago. At the time, though she might have hoped, things obviously weren't so serious yet and meantime ... life goes on. So, she made her plans. No big deal.
 ktxginger
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 6
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 12:56:43 AM
I've told her that I am worried about her going alone. Being on the beach by herself, nobody to look out for her. Single woman by herself, etc.


Just because YOU don't think it's safe for her to go to the airport alone or go on vacation alone, doesn't mean that SHE agrees with you. Obviously, she did it last year (and probably before that) and she made it home just fine. Is it that she is a girl that has you worried or is it simply b/c she is your girlfriend and you don't trust her to make good decisions?

What may be your comfort zone isn't the same as hers. I recently went on a trip - driving multi thousands of miles, slept in my truck, all by myself. I have a friend who freaked out at the thought of me sleeping in my truck - she thought I was going to get murdered while I was gone. My comfort zone includes solo trips and self-protection. Hers includes hotels and always traveling with someone else. Your gf seems to be more in my comfort zone while you are in my friends comfort zone. You need to relax or you will stifle her and maybe drive her away.


I have mixed feelings about her going on a vacation, by herself, the week of our one-year anniversary.


Really? The one year anniversary of DATING her and you don't think she should be allowed to go on vacation alone? How about the following week - would that make a difference to you if it just wasn't the same week? Or maybe you wouldn't want her to go in the same anniversary month?


I can't understand why she wouldn't sacrifice her traditional plans of going this time of year and instead planning a vacay WITH me at another time.


Hmmm .... I wonder why you think she should sacrifice her vacation plans - traditional ones at that - just because you can't go? She did invite you and you declined. Why can't YOU make the sacrifice and just go with her? Or, nobody needs to sacrifice - she can go on her vacation now and then when you have time in your busy schedule you guys can go together. Did you ASK her to make plans at another time with you or are you simply put out b/c she didn't offer?


She leaves from an airport that is about two hours from our city. Should I drive her there? (She hasn't asked and I haven't offered). Honestly, I don't want to drive her but I also want to be a good boyfriend, want her to be safe, etc.


If you don't want to drive her, don't. It's that simple. Should you? Probably, since that makes getting there easier so as not to have to pay for parking, but it's not impossible to get there by herself. You don't think she will be safe driving to the airport? She does do things on a day-to-day basis by herself right? Drives to and from work, the grocery store, etc - or do you hold her hand the whole time she's out of the house. Calm down, I'm sure she knows how to exist without getting hurt.


I want to get her something nice for our 1 year anniversary date tomorrow but times are financially tough, so I can't spend a lot... any ideas?


How about a book or two about how to deal with overprotective boyfriends and people who get upset when you don't give them what they want?

EDIT:
Just because you are in a 'serious relationship' doesn't mean she cannot go on her vacation. She wants to get away, she invited you, you declined. You can start planning a trip that is for both of you and then spend time together.
 falconrider19
Joined: 4/11/2014
Msg: 7
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 1:21:34 AM
Wow, Piranhas! Damn. I'm just feeling down and out about not being able to go on a vacation with my lady on our one year anniversary. Chill out... and I will too. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to take her to the airport, giver her a bottle of sunscreen, tell her to have fun and that I love her. On the way home, I'll thank the heavens that I'm not dating a ****.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 8
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 1:53:42 AM
Very interesting that you joined a dating website this close to your one-year anniversary to pose this question. Tread carefully on the topic of trust and commitment! She would likely go through the roof if she knew you were here asking...especially following her very satisfactory explanation.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 9
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 3:11:55 AM
She has done this before she met you and probably will continue to do it with or without you in the future. What other traditions are you expecting her to sacrifice because you can't postpone a celebration for a few days? Tell her she can't spend holidays with her family because it's the anniversary of the first "I love you"? Monthly girls night is done because it falls on six month mark of when you two moved in?

Edit: you are going to spend the actual anniversary with her tonight, so I'm even more confused about what you're upset about. Can she not take a second vacation with you in the future?
 Princess12524
Joined: 12/23/2013
Msg: 10
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 3:40:08 AM
OP I go on cruises 1-2x a year & always w/ a female friend or alone. Before I was with my current partner, I was dating & every year the man I was seeing wouldn't or couldn't come w/ me, yet expected ME NOT TO GO (including a petulant former forumite I had only 2 dates with!) It took away some of the fun of me going, but I went anyway, I never asked anyone to CHANGE for me, so why should they expect it from me???

I suspect it is a guy thing, deep down, they want a more clingy/dependant female, but always seem to be attracted to the more self-confident type.

If you continue to make this about YOU, when it is about HER, she would be justified in leaving you. If you do not want that to happen, learn to be much more supportive. She did offer for you to come & has done this before & hasn't even asked for a ride!

Don't punish her by not giving her a ride or with holding affection or any sort of anniversary celebration/gift.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 11
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 5:10:49 AM
I go on vacation by myself every year to Europe, usually. Never take anyone with me, although occasionally have met up with friends. I go by myself because I really really enjoy solitary journeys, and because it's been hard to sync up that much time off between two very busy working professionals.

Plus, quite frankly, my last bf didnt have any interest in world travel.

My alone time vacations have nothing to do with any lack of love, interest or commitment to a man. I go because it is important to my spiritual and mental health. It is "my time" just like activities my bf used to do either alone or with his buddies who shared a hobby. I never asked to "join in" because he wasn't including me. We did plenty of things together.

If you start corralling her in, and not allowing her any space of her own, you are going to risk losing her.

Some people have the sort of personality which needs alot of recharging in solitude, and sometimes that happens when one is on their own, fully able to quietly relax, think, reflect and renew.

Give her some breathing room. And go find things YOU can do on your own while she is out and about. Good relationships I think are as much about being able to balance out your "quiet time" alone with the quality of time you both spend together.

And yes, I think it would be a great gesture if you drove her to the airport, my bf and I would trade off driving one another when he would go back to Boston to visit his family.

You sound more like an overprotective dad though, hovering over her trying to keep an eye on her. You are going to drive yourself crazy. Drive her there and wish her a great trip-and get in the practice of learning to mean it! :D
 LoneScottishBoy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 12
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History
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 5:25:25 AM
OP, you have to let her be "her".
You are taking this WAY too personally.

She has a thing she does each year. Thats all there is to it. She invited you.
You cant go.

End of story.

VK is a spot on with being able to have "my things", "Your things" and "our things".

Just because your dating doesnt automatically make you joined at the hip, nor should it when you are married.
Personally I would feel comforted by the fact that she is an independant and self sufficient woman.
Thats the kind you build a life with.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 13
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 6:17:53 AM
Sorry, but a 1 year anniversary of when you two met is not a show stopper.

She has travelled alone before and if you didnt like that upon first learning of that, you should have walked away. You do not get the option of pretending to like this aspect of her personality, and secretly resent it and try to chip away pieces of her spirit.

You were invited, you cannot go....suck it up and be as helpful as you can in her reaching her goal/destination, or back off and find someone who will never leave you alone.

You dont even want to drive her to the airport, and you are only considering doing it to try and 'look' like a good boyfriend. Added to this you joined a dating site after you reeled her in. Id leave you alone as well! And not just for a vacation.

You either accept her choices and trust her judgement-or you dont. If you dont, why are you in this relationship to begin with? That is yours to figure out.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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History
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 6:48:05 AM
I think you are making far too much out of a one year dating anniversary. I am not sure how many relationships you have had, but it you're not married to this woman and she has been an independent adult for a long time. She is very comfortable traveling alone and she did invite you to come along.
You told her months ago you could not afford it, so now at the time of her trip you are wondering why she won't hold off for you. Can you afford it now? Will you be able to swing it next month or the next? Or are you in no position to be planning vacations for a long time? How long is she supposed to put of a hard earned break waiting for you to have the money?
You have to allow your partner to be the person she is and not to ask her to change her ways to accomodate you. Again, I will reiterate that you are not married and so are in no position to make this kind of request.
My BF and I have been together for 7 years, I travel without him and he travels without me. There are certain activities and obligations we do not share. But we also vacation together, my suggestion is if you want to vacation with your lady then you better start saving and planning.
For a one year dating anniversay at 35 years of age, I would expect nothing more than a "Hey do you realise we have been dating a full year now!!!"
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 15
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History
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 7:42:48 AM
"She has travelled alone before and if you didnt like that upon first learning of that, you should have walked away. You do not get the option of pretending to like this aspect of her personality, and secretly resent it and try to chip away pieces of her spirit."

I have experienced this issue many times, and it usually comes up in conversation on the first or second date. Not after a year of dating. Too often I hear that once we are in a relationship there is an assumption I will stop travelling alone or at all because the person isn't a fan of travelling, or me be away from them. At that point, I stop dating the person.

I don't believe this is a gender specific attitude.

I read the others persons assumption as being that when they are in a relationship they expect the other person to give up their lifestyle completely and live the lifestyle of their partner.

Some people think it is mandatory for their partner to be in a lifestyle the same as theirs. Some people expect to continue their lifestyle while their partner continues theirs.

Sounds like your relationship goals are too different from your partner.

Imo, the best gift you can give her is to be honest about your feeling and tell her the relationship isn't working for you.

All this about fearing about her safety is insulting to any adult.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 16
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 8:00:53 AM

I don't like the fact that she is going. She knows my desire to go and understands that I can't go, but she's going anyway. I'm frustrated because of it.


Stop being so jealous!! This is something that she obviously have done before and really, the only thing wrong with her trip is that you are so freaking jealous that she is going and you're not.

Why are you not going? Money? Not a good time? Perhaps you two needed to talk and find common ground. Sounds to me like you are afraid of getting out of your comfort zone. Here's the thing. If you want this relationship to last, both of you need to find common ground and so far neither one has. So in that area she is as guilty as you're.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 17
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History
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 8:06:10 AM
The fact that she invited you to join her and tried to include you with the vacation plans speaks volumes about her, and you should trust her. Saying that, it is always nice to sit down and have the conversation about joint activities, including vacations, and work on doing them together, if possible.

I get the impression that you can not really afford a vacation, and you would rather have her not go on one either. If this is the case, here is another place for a sit down discussion about money, boundaries, trust, and understanding. I know that I use to be totally frustrated when I asked my "ex" to go places with me, and she said no most times if not all, and talking with a counselor, I was told to invite, and if declined, to go alone and not let it ruin the adventure.

The point is to share, and if one asks to share with you, and you decline, that is on you, not them, and if they do not understand why you declined, or you do not understand why they would go, then you have much larger problems.

cd
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 18
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 8:09:52 AM
I agree with the point about making such a big deal about the anniversary of a first date. Do you also celebrate the anniversaries of the first kiss and the first time having sex?

My advice would be when she's gone, do not bombard her with texts, asking her 20 times a day if she's enjoying herself. Put the cell phone away. Your disapproval of her going will show if you feel a need to keep in non-stop contact. She already knows you aren't thrilled about her going without you, even though you declined an invitation to go, so don't drive home the point by trying to keep in constant contact. Use the time more productively by getting together with buddies and family and doing things you put off because you were joined at the hip with the girlfriend.

P.S. I always find it strange when people who are in a relationship have a problem, and their first thought is to join a dating site and ask strangers who are single for advice.
 Westernguy
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 19
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 8:13:00 AM

Why not wait and schedule a vacation the two of us can enjoy together?


She did invite you so there's that.

If she has to go now because , for example , this is the only time of year she can see the purple speckled fish when she goes diving then that's a legit reason.

Otherwise, I also don't understand why she wouldn't want to wait for a time when you can both go and enjoy a vacation together ?




Westernguy
a ee a ee a !
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 20
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 8:19:17 AM
Posted by Westernguy:
"...I also don't understand why she wouldn't want to wait for a time when you can both go and enjoy a vacation together?..."

Perhaps she arranged time away from work with her bosses, purchased airline tickets, and also made hotel reservations far in advance?
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 21
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History
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 10:31:14 AM

In three days, she's leaving for a week long vacation to the same place in FLA that she went last year. She did invite me to go with her when she was booking her reservations a few months ago but I told her it was bad time of year for me to go on a vacation. She scheduled her trip to FLA anyways and told me the invitation stood if I changed my mind. But it is not possible that I go with her. She leaves on Saturday and I'm not going with her. I have mixed feelings about her going on a vacation, by herself, the week of our one-year anniversary. On one hand, I know she works hard and deserves it and on the other, I can't understand why she wouldn't sacrifice her traditional plans of going this time of year and instead planning a vacay WITH me at another time.


If a couple are dating seriously, they usually try to plan things like trips together. She obviously doesn't see the relationship as being that serious yet. On the flip side, you get to plan whatever you want for yourself and do it without worrying if she's busy or not.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 22
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 10:56:08 AM

Posted by Coma_White:
"If a couple are dating seriously, they usually try to plan things like trips together. She obviously doesn't see the relationship as being that serious yet."

Within reason, of course. I enjoy a 1-week, 500-mile bicycle ride in the mountains annually...for many years.
My current girlfriend took her teenage daughter on a scuba vacation this year. No worries on my part.

My girlfriends have consistently said something along the lines of:
"Have fun with your friends, sweetie! I love you, be careful. We can go someplace together in the summer."
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 23
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 11:03:27 AM
so, you see this situation in terms of what it means to you.

she sees this situation in terms of what it means to her (not waiting until you can afford to go, etc).

birds of a feather, feeling comfortable together.
 ktxginger
Joined: 11/11/2013
Msg: 24
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 11:23:54 AM
I cannot believe some of the responses here. So, far some of the guys think that SHE is being selfish by not putting off her trip. Seriously? Since when did relationship mean putting off a traditional trip or activity b/c your SO cannot or will not go with you?

If you had a fishing trip with the boys planned, would you tell them 'I won't go, I want to be with my gf.' How about a trip to see a particular sports game or auto race? What if you had those planned and she couldn't or didn't want to go? You going to cancel your entire LIFE or who you were just b/c the other person now exists? (And before you start spouting off about 'well, my previous lifestyle included other women too so do I get to keep that too' - this isn't about hurtful behaviors). Should Eric wait for his gf to be able to ride 500 miles with him or just not go? Should VK put off her trip to Europe b/c independence is a BAD thing?

As individuals we have lives and things we like to do. You shouldn't have to sacrifice those things to be part of a relationship.
 Westernguy
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 25
My girlfriend is going on vacation by herself
Posted: 4/16/2014 11:33:14 AM
I don't think the OP is wrong to feel how he feels , he has that right - this is a q of COMPATIBILITY....

A couple who doesn't need to vacay together all the time is going to work and vice versa.

Some guys don't want to give up their annual fishing trip or whatever and some women don't want to give up their annual all girl Vegas vacay or whatever - and their SO's are ok with that = compatible.

Some couples prefer to vacay together and would prefer to be with someone who thinks likewise.



In this case, the OP hasn't explained why his gf had to go with or without him at this specific time.





Westernguy
a ee a ee a !
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