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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > He needs time to think..      Home login  
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 MJD0679
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 1
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He needs time to think..Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have been in a relationship now for 8 months. We have had our ups and downs, but with communication we have always been able to work through them. He has custody issues with his kids, drama with his parents always needing him for one thing or another, and issues being self-sufficient. As he has lived with his parents since a divorce 3 years ago. He is 37, I am 34. He has always told me the truth; even if it hurt. Like when I saw him texting a woman, I found it was his ex and he still had feelings for her. That was at 5 months. We worked through it. I feel its natural to have the feelings ; just don't act on them. You can stay friends and be supportive from afar.
Now when his parents purchased a new house, I made the suggestion for him to move in and start a life with me. He didn't respond well to that. That was to fast for him. We had another bump. Over the past month it has been bliss. Family events, no arguing, no women. Now he says he needs time, needs space to figure out things. To analyze his goals and think. Said he can tell when I say I love him its true, he can tell in my eyes. But He can't say the same, but says he cares for me a lot. Says at the are minimum he would like to remain friends. Go to dinner and do things together when he has time. As he enjoys the time he spends with me. When I stated I'm not a FWB type, he agreed. He said he has issues with ejaculation and going limp when we have sex and that is always in the back of his mind. "why can't I perform" I said it was cuz he's focusing on it too much. And its his anxiety.
He was doing repairs to my home; replacing electrical outlets / switches, but had to do this over a month as his parents kept pulling him home. Last night he finished the repairs finally. Then he took his belongings and left his garage door opener. Asked if he felt remorse or a pit in his heart as he took his things; he stated it was hard but he feels its something he has t do for himself to figure out himself. How do you recover from this? Is there a chance he is just thinking? Can you have a relationship after taking your things back? For me this is out of the blue. I am in love and deeply attached. Said I make him happy, and he makes me happy, said there isn't anyone else, so what is the problem? I have honored his request to give him time, although I can't say how much. It is killing me to be treated like a yoyo. Suggestions? Thoughts?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 2
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:06:12 PM

Says at the are minimum he would like to remain friends. Go to dinner and do things together when he has time.


It sounds like he friend zoned you, but doesn't have the guts to tell you. If a guy is into you, he doesn't say he would like to remain friends and will go out with you only when he has time. Friend zones (from both genders) are usually surrounded by barbed wire and electrified fences, making it almost impossible to escape. Have a discussion with him, indicating you're open to the idea that both of you should consider dating others, since you're looking for The One, and he doesn't feel the same way. Both people have to feel they found The One for a relationship to work. Whether you want to remain just friends is your call to make.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 3
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:09:45 PM
OP: This sucks! Absolutely sucks for you, no doubt about it. But, he needs his space to figure out whatever he needs to.
Personally, I'd give him the space. From what I have read about relationships and people "needing their space," those who come back usually do so within 3-6 week time frame. After that time, it's a remote possibility but I think mostly unlikely. If you are so inclined at the 8 week to contact him to see how he is doing, I think that would be ok but other than that, the ball is in his court. Leave it there. He has to move it.

It sounds like he has too many personal issues to contend with, including self esteem. In my opinion, it's difficult for a man to be a confident man when he is having self sufficiency issues.


Said I make him happy, and he makes me happy, said there isn't anyone else, so what is the problem?


Clearly, he is unhappy.

Give him the space, if he returns and you still want the relationship - great. If not, move on. At this juncture, the next few weeks will be most difficult for you. This would be a excellent time to focus on YOU. Do things for YOU.
Good luck.
 MJD0679
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 4
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:13:32 PM
I asked him if I was being dumped, if we need to see other people. He said he just needs time. And he would get back to me when he was ready. He was engaged after 6 months to his ex-wife, but didn't marry for 4 years. Then was dating another for a year before he realized he wanted to marry her. but she had ex hubby issues also. This was the one he texted. I spoke with his cousin, whom feels that's he is anxious about a commitment, and has been burned before. So he may just be taking time so that it don't happen again. But even she is on the fence of what he means or wants to come from this.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 5
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:19:10 PM
OP: This is why all YOU can do is give him space. Period. Nothing else you can or should do. He knows you care about him. He knows you are there for him. You just have to wait. The way I see it, if he returns and you want him - great! If you he returns and you don't want him - great! If he doesn't return at all, then this relationship was not to going to last regardless, appreciate the time you two spent together, but you move on and look for someone who wants to be with YOU.
 MikeTO12345
Joined: 2/9/2014
Msg: 6
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:24:41 PM
I suggest you walk away. You are allowing him with bad behavior. Talking to his ex because he has feelings is wrong. He doesn't know because he still has feelings for his ex. Why are you being a door mat for him? Get out while you can because it will be harder to leave him later on. He will use you, he will try to sleep with you but still be undecided.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 7
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:30:01 PM
Respect his wishes - give him the space he needs right now. Don't bombard him with, "But, I love you.." Etc., as that will place more pressure on him to walk away.

Sounds to be he's quite unhappy with life and surroundings - even you, perhaps.

Work on what makes you happy right now. Get out and enjoy friends, your employment of other things to fill you life.

Good luck!
 MikeTO12345
Joined: 2/9/2014
Msg: 8
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 12:48:45 PM

I spoke with his cousin, whom feels that's he is anxious about a commitment, and has been burned before. So he may just be taking time so that it don't happen again. But even she is on the fence of what he means or wants to come from this.


No surprise there! He needs therapy. There is no way he will resolve this on his own in a short amount of time. He might claim to be, highly unlikely he will be. I bet he won't come around since he's not getting sex he will probably look somewhere else for sex.

One thing I"m wonder why you want him to move in you so soon. Eight months is too soon.
 Onceblumoon
Joined: 3/8/2014
Msg: 9
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 1:20:55 PM
OP, so sorry you're feeling all that love with no healthy partner to share it. :( I'm with you, I've been there, in not the same situation, but similar.

The road of experience has brought me to Dan Savage's great term: DTMFA. (That doesn't mean you're ex is a MF, just that you need to drop it, and move on. Will it hurt? YES. Will it give you time to re-adjust your picker? Absolutely. If he gets healthy (emotionally) on his own, then he MIGHT be right for you.

Personally, when he was texting with his ex because he still had feelings... that was the BIG EXIT RAMP.

Don't give away your love to someone who doesn't realize the gift that it is.

Good luck.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 1:28:00 PM
After 8 months I think he has had adequate time to decide of the relationship is what he wants, I don't think it is for him. Sorry.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 1:38:38 PM
It's been 8 months, hardly long enough to know if you are in love or not, mostly you have been spinning your wheels trying to get him to commit. which means you haven't really taken the time to find out if you love him, or if you just don't want to be alone, and he's a warm body. Look at the long list of things you don't like about him, and I'm sure that's the short list, you don't really like him, his behaviors probably drive you nuts, but he was there and a warm body. You can certainly find a much better match than a man who doesn't really want to even date you, and certainly isn't going to marry you, not from what you've said that he's said to you. While I think many people take longer than 8 months to know if someone is a good match, he's not working toward that, he's trying to get away. When you stop trying to pull him in, and take some time for yourself, you might see that he's not the man you want at all, and if you did get him to move in, you'd be pulling your hair out trying to raise him. Suffer the pain of it not being what you'd hope for and move on, you don't need him for a friend unless you want your next relationship to be all about you not over your ex and hurting the new guy with all this drama.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 12
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 1:52:28 PM
To Opp : To me it sounds like he very emotionally distraught , does not seem like he even know what he wants at this point .It is your choice if you want to stay involved , but it will be drama city . Myself I would not be involved with some one who is still emotionally attached to another . If he is trying to friend zone you and you do not want any part of that then it may be best to walk away .
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 13
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 1:52:36 PM
Futurecatch;

No need to concern yourself with, "give him time".
He is emotionally unavailable and this will preclude emotional closeness, intimacy with you or anyone else, regardless of your desire for him or your attempt to save the relationship. You are an emotional threat to him.
He feels burdened and that burden can feel dangerous for him and he wants to escape.

I sympathize with your plight and it is painful, attempting to get close to someone who is simply not available.
You feel lonely, neglected, dejected, unimportant, "treated like a yoyo".

Getting hooked on someone who is emotionally unavailable is a form of denial of your own emotional unavailability. This is indicated by your confusion ("For me this is out of the blue") surrounding your intense need to be "in love and deeply attached" with someone who does not reciprocate (unrequited love). As well, your wanting him to move in with you despite the denial and avoidant behaviour.

While you were in a state of "bliss", you were simply in denial. Nothing has been "worked through". He is not going to "be there" for you in an emotionally intimate sense.

Some people can speak openly about their feelings and past, giving the illusion of availability but, as you have discovered, he hasn't been able to commit or connect, emotionally. This can be temporary such as a family obligation or, chronic such as mental illness or a troubled childhood (avoidant attachment behaviour).

So, in other words, you do not have a healthy, loving, nurturing relationship with him but rather, an intense meshing of emotional turmoil, denial and avoidant behaviour.

It is important for you to introspect and explore your emotional self to prevent this type of unhealthy attachment in the future. Don't hesitate to seek therapeutic intervention if this seems insurmountable as it can be a safe and trusting environment to explore at our own pace.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 14
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 1:55:55 PM
I have been in a relationship now for 8 months.


I am in love and deeply attached.



He said he has issues with ejaculation and going limp when we have sex and that is always in the back of his mind. "why can't I perform"


He has custody issues with his kids, drama with his parents always needing him for one thing or another, and issues being self-sufficient.





Thoughts?


And you found this particular guy appealing in the beginning because.....?


Suggestions?


Find someone without all of this drama?



 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 15
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 6:24:56 PM
OP: Your profile says you have kids. How do they play into this? Have they/he/she met him, and how do they get along? In your opening post, you said he is having custody issues with his kids, among other things going on. That will be a big burden for anyone to bare. It's best to wait until he gets that resolved first. Custody battles can be very messy and emotionally destructive. This is a very bad time to try to get him to commit to someone else. He doesn't need the pressure to be emotionally pulled from different directions. Tell him to get his legal issues with his ex in order first, then wait until he recovers from that, and then see if ready for another relationship. Obviously, he's not ready now since he's still in the midst of a legal battle with his ex. It takes time for war wounds to heal.
 MJD0679
Joined: 11/12/2012
Msg: 16
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 6:31:51 PM
I was attracted to his personality. We enjoy each others company. I stayed through the tough times because I felt he was just scared. It's a normal response to try to push things away when your scared. Exspecially after getting hurt in the past. I am trying to prepare for the worst- him not to return. And try and hope for the best- him to return. It's hard for me as I have always had someone there . Someone to take care of; a spouse or a child. Now my norm has a void and this hurts more then I could've ever imagined. It really was out of the blue. He was talking about long term plans. He separated from his now exwife for two weeks before he engaged her. And that was after six months. I do agree after 8 months you should know what you want. And that's why I offered him to live with me. I was ready for a future. Knowing that it is a dramatic past for him, I expected some drama. But never to this extent. When people separate, and take thier belongings, is there a chance they come back? How can you just pick up and move on from that point? I am trying to focus on me. But it's very hard when you have always had someone. I'm not used to it. And I need to figure out how to block anyone from getting this much emotional control over me ever again, even IF he does return.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 17
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 6:57:17 PM
When someone says " I need space" give them all
The space they need.

I know you are deeply attached but space means just that. Space.

Do not make yourself available. Do not be his fallback girl
Right now.

Go here and read about "space" -

Baggagereclaim.co.uk

No one who wants to truly be with you needs space.
He is not being entirely truthful with you.

You are worth more than waiting for someone to make up
Their mind over.

I know it hurts and I have been there before.
Maybe in a few months it will change for him but with
Some self introspection, you might not want it or even think of
Him the same way.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 18
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 7:23:54 PM
"I was attracted to his personality. We enjoy each others company. I stayed through the tough times because I felt he was just scared. It's a normal response to try to push things away when your scared. Exspecially after getting hurt in the past. I am trying to prepare for the worst- him not to return. And try and hope for the best- him to return. It's hard for me as I have always had someone there . Someone to take care of; a spouse or a child. Now my norm has a void and this hurts more then I could've ever imagined. It really was out of the blue. He was talking about long term plans. He separated from his now exwife for two weeks before he engaged her. And that was after six months. I do agree after 8 months you should know what you want. And that's why I offered him to live with me. I was ready for a future. Knowing that it is a dramatic past for him, I expected some drama. But never to this extent. When people separate, and take thier belongings, is there a chance they come back? How can you just pick up and move on from that point? I am trying to focus on me. But it's very hard when you have always had someone. I'm not used to it. And I need to figure out how to block anyone from getting this much emotional control over me ever again, even IF he does return."

..................................................................................................................................................................................................

OP, along with the few details you mentioned earlier, the post above to me says more and gives maybe more clarity along with your initial thread.

If he has a physical or mental problem with his going "limp", then obviously he needs to look into that himself. If it has nothing to do physical or mentally, he may just not feel certain ways when he is with you. Before you get upset, what I am saying has NOTHING to do with you at all! Maybe he is just not sexually excited about certain things or lack of certain things. That would be for you to ask to verify if him going limp has anything to do with him not getting "excited" and what is it that gets him "excited" in past relationships etc. I have been with women who haven't done much for me in the intimacy, sensual sexual category and though I never asked, there probably could be women I went out with that also didn't "feel" the spark enough. That is what I am meaning. What I am trying to say is we ALL have different levels of attraction to different people of the opposite sex. Now if a woman or men is out to just get phucked then yes, that argument won't fly because those people will screw anything that walks.

You offered for him to move in with you knowing that it is a dramatic past for him. OP, to me, that sounds scary because if it is a major change because of the past, waving a magic "wand" isn't going to make the past disappear. If he has had major issues, that would have to be fixed before I would ever allow someone to move in or get too serious about.

Sure, he may come back but coming back doesn't answer anything. If anything, I would be demanding communication and hearing it all!! And the hardest thing will be to answer yourself truthfully the question of: Is this what you really want? Yes, you both enjoy each others company but that isn't enough as you have seen. Settling should never be an option and most people will say they will never settle but lots do.

OP, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, take care of YOU and your answers will be there and be there objectively. Good luck!
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 19
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 7:32:57 PM
Wow futurecatch, this is quite a thing. I'd say time is all you both have and you can definitely live on your own terms while sorting what's just happened between the two of you. Perhaps even by talking about it, together and with others.

In love and deeply attached are real emotions. They feel wonderful and confusing and all kinds of other things. Feeling those kinds of emotions without physically sharing the same environment is possible and as interesting.

I'm all about the time and knowing that anything can be sorted properly with time so I'll revert to that. Being apart doesn't hurt.

Maybe it's just one of those things that can't be resolved but is unfolding as it should.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 20
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 7:45:44 PM
He sounds like he is gone
You need to heal and move forward
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 8:23:21 PM
You have never been alone and you do not want to be alone, and as I said before, he was a warm body. You really do not like his behaviors which means you don't like him that much and you are thinking love when in reality it sounds a whole lot more like a warm body. I don't know what to tell you because if having someone is better for your needs than being alone, pretty much anyone you feel some compatibility with will fill the bill. I guess the answer is to keep looking for someone who would like to live with you. This man does not and has pulled away, he's wasting your time, you want someone to be with, he doesn't or he doesn't want it to be you. While you and I are on opposite ends of why we'd want to be with someone, the fact is, you want a man and this guy is not that man. Find a better match, the longer you chase this guy the longer you are going to be alone.
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 22
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/19/2014 8:33:27 PM
It sounds like you are using the example of his ex - that he dumped her, then went back and got engaged - like that is a good sign and he will come back. He may, but it sounds like it isn't the best example, as he didn't end up staying with her. If you feel you love him, cool, but that doesn't mean you can't move on.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 23
He needs time to keep enjoying a free pass in life.
Posted: 4/19/2014 9:15:07 PM
what's broken in this relationship that he needs to fix?

absolutely nothing. he can take any easy path he wants, and guess what? there's no punishment for doing so. he can fail to be an adult, refuse to be an adult...and his ass never hits the ground. there's always someone to be safety net. someone always accepts his lack of an answer for his actions.

his problem, is that there's no problem at all. who wouldn't like to live like a child, doing only what they feel like doing? children love playing adult, its why they have pretend phones, plastic tool kits, and the like. but taking a stand and living it, that's hard. that's why adults do it.

when people no longer accept his BS...he'll change real quick so his ass doesn't hit the proverbial ground. until then, he can stay, "substance free". by that, i mean he can be a person with little substance, but enough presentation.
 ReadySetGo63
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 24
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/20/2014 1:34:40 AM
He hasn't been helping his parents all the time. He's been somewhere else. He may be a nice person but this is not a relationship you should spend any more time on. You are not being treated like a yoyo. He's made his intentions clear. You can either accept the wait without expecting anything from him or you can wish him well sincerely and move on. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He's being very clear. Not unkind. Not really unsure. Clear. He just doesn't want to hurt your feelings any further. Sometimes, it just isn't going to work out.
 irishgirl772
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 25
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/20/2014 5:30:14 AM
I'd say him taking his belongings from your house is a pretty good indication that he wont be back.
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