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 raggedyanna
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 1
Dating after a very long marriagePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've been hanging around here for a while now and even adding my two cent's worth now and again. Now I have a question of my own. More for curiosity than anything else.

OK, here's the scenario. A gentleman is, well let's be kind, past the age of retirement. He lost his wife of 49 years recently. He feels he's ready to date and hopefully find someone to continue on life's journey with. He never had any intimate experience with anyone but his wife.

My question is this. Through experience, or hearing others' stories, ,or reading, or some kind of psychic knowledge, do you know if a person like this would make a good lover?

Man, I didn't think it would be so difficult to put my thoughts into words without sounding crass.

OK, I've collected my thoughts.

Would a man of this maturity even know any of the newer methods for total enjoyment in bed? (or out of bed) Back when he would have been active there was no internet and even the porn magazines and movies were more about the male enjoyment than the female's. There was no talk about the G-spot or A-spot or anything else for that matter.

Does anyone understand what I'm trying to ask? Talking to this person is so far out of the question. We're just friends, but he seems to be rather shy about these things. I'm usually very open to intimate talk with friends and lovers. This is somehow different. If I skirt around the topic, he changes it.

Oh, by the way, this isn't a romatic "friend", just platonic, and not very close at that. At my age I don't think I could manage someone that much older than I am. I don't want to be a nurse. Been there and done that with my deceased husband. It's far too painful to go through.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 2
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History
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/21/2014 7:14:35 PM
As occasionally happens reading posts, a song came to mind :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIKiB663JD0

I think that it would be difficult to tell with him because he avoids the subject. It could be he isn't' used to it, or it's a respect thing he was brought up with.

As far as age, well, listen to the song (lol). I know a man close to 65 who is so freakin sexy it's unbelievable (the whole package, who he is, what he does, how he looks). He has a healthy sex drive, but he also cycles and is in great shape.

As far as experience, I dated someone who had only been with his wife for 30+ years. He was 54 and I was his second. Of course, he knew what to do, but had to 'learn' some of what to do "for me". Trial and error and practice :) He asked me to show him what I liked, but I said no, because then I would miss out on 'all of this". All of this was the learning each other, and the sweetness of him NOT having learned before, and frankly, the things "I" learned I liked while he fumbled around finding his way. Introducing him to things he had never tried was interesting and connecting to.

There is absolutely no comparison for me on the value of having 'all that" (it was priceless, sweet, so connected) compared to having someone who "knows what they are doing."
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 3
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/21/2014 9:37:38 PM
And continuing with the music theme, this quote


Would a man of this maturity even know any of the newer methods for total enjoyment in bed? (or out of bed) Back when he would have been active there was no internet and even the porn magazines and movies were more about the male enjoyment than the female's. There was no talk about the G-spot or A-spot or anything else for that matter.


brought this music to mind: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5Sa2Yq-2g
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 4
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/21/2014 9:40:03 PM
Brings a old saying to mind , try before you buy ? Kind of like taking a car out for a test drive .
 raggedyanna
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 5
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/21/2014 11:55:00 PM
Bebe, you're right. He is difficult to talk to about these things. I know him quite well, but he clams up as soon as I get close to asking more detailed questions, even when he asks for advice. It's really none of my business. Ah heck, but I'm so damn curious. He's actively looking for a partner. He misses the female part of his life that he lost when his wife died a mere three months ago. I say it's far too early to be looking, he says he's ready. He nursed his wife for two years before she died.
even though I'd like to give advice, feel I NEED to give advice, I must remember that we're all different and we grieve in different ways and for altogether different lengths of time.

The 65 year old you talk about.... is that who you're with now? Just curious. ;-) It would be hard to give something like that up.

I was married to a man 16 years my senior. We were together 13 years when he died. He was 60 when we met. I'd just come out of a 22 year marriage and he a 33 year one. We walked through learning about each other and sex was fantastic. So, maybe my friend knows more than I think he does.

I loved the song, quite fitting, thank you. Kinda makes me want to go looking for that "slow hand" myself. Got a friend you can introduce me to???

POF isn't introducing me to the right frogs.
 raggedyanna
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 6
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/21/2014 11:58:04 PM
Joe and Pro - you guys crack me up.

I love the Circus Theme. I can just hear it while swinging from the chandelier. Yup.

Pro, I'm not sure I want to be the one to take this fellow for a test drive. Nah. I really don't want to live with the guilt of giving him a heart attack.
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 7
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:43:16 AM
I heart you! That said, some Men are action types not talkers. Heck you scare me LOL. So if he has a heart attack he dies happy :/ You clearly are curious and a good way to start is with the kiss. * off to get myself vanilla self more coffee*
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 8
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 6:51:15 AM
Then I guess its like looking at an old beat up car at the dealer , go to the next one .
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 9
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 7:15:47 AM
OP asks:
My question is this. Through experience, or hearing others' stories, ,or reading, or some kind of psychic knowledge, do you know if a person like this would make a good lover?

A 'person like this'? As in of a certain age? Impossible to generalize whether someone in any particular age group is a 'good lover'. If he was a good lover in his 'active period' as you put it, chances are he's still a good lover now. Maybe a little slower, but slower can be good. If he's in good health and has no ED problems, my crystal ball tells me that if he finds a suitable attractive, (to him) partner, it s a 'go'.

As far as stories go, we just happened to talk about this the other day in my book club---one of the women's dad is on his third marriage---(one divorce, one left him a widower) and she told how when he and his latest wife were courting, they were literally all over each other, not hiding it, making out and such! In the mid to late eighties! Woo Hoo---hope for us all!

Another member related how an old 'friend of the family' was in a situation (again these people are around eighty) where he caught his wife and his best friend making out in the hot tub. The guy got a little indignant and went and sat between the two to keep them apart! Too funny. Both the maker-outers were married and decided at their age to divorce their spouses and marry each other! Maybe they had been lusting after each other for years and years, and decided it was 'now or never'!


Would a man of this maturity even know any of the newer methods for total enjoyment in bed? (or out of bed) Back when he would have been active there was no internet and even the porn magazines and movies were more about the male enjoyment than the female's. There was no talk about the G-spot or A-spot or anything else for that matter.


This reminds me of how each generation thinks that it 'invented sex' and the rest of us are just asexual morons. ;-)
Not all that much has changed in human anatomy as far as I know, but I'm old I could be wrong! Maybe more explicit porn and more battery operated toys, but that's just the technical side of things. A good lover is more than a technician.
Most mature folks have figured that out.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 10
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History
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 9:50:32 AM
Wow.....A very teachable situation for you to take on, and show him the way, the will, the desire, and the outcomes!!

If this man has been with just one woman his entire life and no one else, before, during, or after, you will have more to tackle anyway, so why fret the small stuff. You will have to deal with his ability to even get an erection, his physical condition, his meds, his mental capabilities, on and on and on, soooooooooo knowing about the "g-spot" might be the least of yours and his worries!!

If mentally and physically able, it is all a matter of desire and sharing that together.......the rest just happens.

cd
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 11
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 10:59:06 AM
OP, are you seeking to be a "matchmaker" for this platonic friend since you shared there is no romantic interest in him? Are you asking these types of questions on her behalf or perhaps predicting the types of questions she might pose to him?
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 12
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 1:04:04 PM

Would a man of this maturity even know any of the newer methods for total enjoyment in bed?


He's not your girlfriend, I do not discuss sexual details with my male friends(and rarely if ever with girlfriends), there needs to be boundaries to maintain platonic friendships. This is one of them.

When people stop focusing on how long they were married, to whom and what to expect with the next partner, ad nauseum, then they are ready to date. You are in the reality of comparisons.
 raggedyanna
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 13
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 2:50:59 PM
To make things clear as mud, this was just my way to jump into the pool, so to speak. As I stated I am not in any way romantically involved with this friend, nor do I ever want to be. I've known him for a long time, and knew his wife. More in a social situation than anything else. Since her death he's confided in me what his feelings are and that he wants the company of a lady again. He batted his eyelashes at me.... maybe he wants me??? (just kidding on that one)

I have never probed into his personal stuff, he's the one that brought it up. At one point he told me he was scared of getting intimate with a new woman because he hadn't been with anyone but his wife. The only advice I could give him was to just do it. It's like riding a bike, you never forget. He did ask a couple of sort of intimate questions, but then backed off. So, I know he wants to find out if he's on the right track. That made me wonder if there was anything more to this, so I came here to see what sage thoughts you all had.

And there is plenty. I am not wanting to continue this topic with my friend. I'll just be there for him when he needs an ear, a shoulder, or someone to go for walks with. He's still in mourning even if he won't admit it to himself.

Oh and another thing. I'm not match-making.


Anyone want to meet a nice 75 year old man???

DoubleParked, what wonderful stories you told. Gives me hope for the future.

Thanks everyone for your insights. You guys rock!!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 14
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 3:31:35 PM

At one point he told me he was scared of getting intimate with a new woman because he hadn't been with anyone but his wife.


If I were in that situation, I would be afraid of how I would perform sexually? Will I get hard, stay hard, will I be sexually excited by someone not my wife? Can I satisfy the woman, will she be disappointed?

It's difficult to determine how things will go sexually with a new woman. Impossible to tell if you have never done that.

I would hope a woman that was close to his age would be understanding of his fears. I am not sure there is anything you could tell him that will reassure him about how things will go in a romantic situation.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 15
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 4:55:20 PM
This is topic is pretty confusing especially when the title states "dating" after a very long marriage.

Maybe it should say "phucking"?

Or how about "love making"?

Or how about, getting "yums yums"?

Or how about, "how to get your new partner to scream sweet bloody murder in the middle of the night" after being in a very long marriage with another?

With every partner I've had in my lifetime I discovered more and different "buttons" which was based on the person's buttons I was pushing. One of the things I enjoy about sex, is that there is set rules when it's time to play. Thank goodness too, or I would have been thrown in jail by now, if anyone was writing things down.
 raggedyanna
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 16
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/22/2014 7:39:35 PM
DragonBits, thank you. You brought it all together in a neat package.

Walts, just for you I'll rename the post - New Yum Yums after a very long marriage. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Sapphireeyes - you make some pretty valid points. Thank you. As for not wanting to be a nurse to someone older.... I've been there and done that and it broke my heart. Maybe it isn't a big issue for someone who hasn't gone through it, but it seems to be for me.... even more than I realized. It's not the nursing part that's hard (I'd do it over again in a heart-beat) it's the emptiness that follows, when there is no one left to nurse. Some people avoid dates/relationships with someone that is a smoker, or drinker, or big game hunter. I avoid someone that's that much older than me.

(actually right now I'm not looking. Period.)

Thanks everyone for making my virgin topic so colourful and helpful at the same time.
 HippyDippyWeatherman
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 17
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History
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/23/2014 2:52:40 AM
This thread reminds me of that song, You make me squeal like a natural woman.
 or_current_resident
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 18
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/23/2014 5:24:24 AM

This thread reminds me of that song, You make me squeal like a natural woman.


^^^^^^ And if the old boy gets his hands on some viagra who knows where this saga will lead next....cheers & happy plucking......^^^^^
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 19
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History
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/23/2014 6:19:08 AM

Would a man of this maturity even know any of the newer methods for total enjoyment in bed? (or out of bed) Back when he would have been active there was no internet and even the porn magazines and movies were more about the male enjoyment than the female's. There was no talk about the G-spot or A-spot or anything else for that matter.


I just want to know what all these "newer methods" are??? LOL
The G and A spots didn't just start appearing after 1999.....they were always there!!
A good lover doesn't need to know the technical terms....he/she just knows how to explore and focus on the spots their lover enjoys.

and you aren't fooling anyone girlfriend.....you're dying to know how this guy is in the sack! LOL
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 20
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/23/2014 7:24:36 AM

Oh, by the way, this isn't a romatic "friend", just platonic, and not very close at that.


Then why are you contemplating this thoughts or ideas with this man. My advice, keep that conversation to the one you want to hang from the chandeliers with, not some poor shmoe that at worse is going to get all exited about what you two talk about and then overdose on Viagra.
 raggedyanna
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 21
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/24/2014 8:31:09 AM
Oh yes, I know the anatomy hasn't changed, and I also know it has been tracked for a very long time by scientists and cadaver junkies for almost as long. The point I was making is that many people, male and female, never knew about these discoveries until relatively recently. The Kama Sutra wasn't a widely read epic. Masters and Johnson were hidden under the bed. Just think back to Playboy and Penthouse in the 60s or even 70s. Genitalia wasn't a feature.

I was a child of the 60s with all it's free love, yet, as hard as it is to comprehend, I knew of nothing but simple, intercourse. Maybe a bit of groping before hand. I didn't know there was even a thing called oral sex. YUCK! I tried to self-pleasure, but it felt like such a taboo and wasn't satisfying at all. Where was I to learn all this? My parents never even had "the talk" with me.

I know I wasn't alone in all this because much later I talked to friends openly and they had the same experiences... or lack of.

My first husband was great in bed. Or so I thought at the time. I had no idea I could have had an orgasm. What's that? Along came husband #2. What a joke sex was. What sex? By then I knew about oral sex but had never experienced it. Before this marriage I had seen an X-rated video where oral sex was hinted at, not fully illustrated. This was in the 70s.

I lived a sheltered life I guess.

Along came husband #3. All I can say is WOW! What have I been missing? He was 60 at the time. It was during this time that I learned about my body and what pleasure I could derive from it and give in return. We had open dialogue and wanted to please each other AND were willing to experiment.

After husband #3 passed away I did have a couple of relationships, one being pretty darn incredible. In bed only. The other two, well, let's say these fit the profile I'm talking about. The uneducated, unwilling to experiment, the fragile ego, the ones that think they're the best lovers and can't use a tape measure for all the tea in China.... if you know what I mean.

So you see, my life experiences lead me to believe that not everyone in my age bracket and older know everything there is to know, or even a small slice of it.


This subject walks the fine line between porn and intimacy, some may feel that the subject is a tad too personal to discuss with just anyone. Mind you if you think your knowledge may help him then share away I guess.


I wasn't the one to open the discussion with my friend, nor have we made it a topic every day. AND if you read back to what I said earlier, this was just an interesting (or so I thought at the time) topic to post here. I have no plans for educating this guy.


I was asked not long ago from someone I hardly knew if I prefered the "top or bottom" and I said unless they were referring to "bunk beds", the topic wasn't up for discussion lol. Yet I wouldn't find the question such a big deal if a friend asked it.


Good come-back, and my point exactly. It's not off limits with a friend.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 22
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/24/2014 10:06:32 AM

I was a child of the 60s with all it's free love, yet, as hard as it is to comprehend, I knew of nothing but simple, intercourse. Maybe a bit of groping before hand. I didn't know there was even a thing called oral sex. YUCK! I tried to self-pleasure, but it felt like such a taboo and wasn't satisfying at all. Where was I to learn all this? My parents never even had "the talk" with me.


I am a similar age to you, but my experiences have been quite different concerning myself. When I first got interested in sex, I searched for and found books like like Man with a Maid and Story of O. These are full of erotica. My parents never had a talk with me, and basically every girlfriend I had I thought them. Never had anyone surprised me in bed.

My first sexual experience was with my first GF. It started with petting, then oral, then anal and culminating in intercourse. We were monogamous for 5 years. Not the progression most seem to experience.



In bed only. The other two, well, let's say these fit the profile I'm talking about. The uneducated, unwilling to experiment, the fragile ego, the ones that think they're the best lovers and can't use a tape measure for all the tea in China.... if you know what I mean.


I haven't had a relationship with anyone in the USA that was more than 5 years younger than me, so I don't how younger people behave in bed. I had been disappointed with most GF past my first GF, they all seemed at various stages thinking sexual behavior was sinful. Some quite so, some just a little, a few seemed to go the opposite way and consider sex some sort of competition, as in how many guys they could sleep with. But they didn't seem to get a lot of pleasure from this. I tended to blame Christian upbringing in the USA as causing phobias about sex.


We had open dialogue and wanted to please each other AND were willing to experiment.


IM experience if someone is open and wants to be pleased and wants to please the other person, their actual previous experience isn't important. What is all important is their attitude about sex.

Given how many young people post about dating on the forums, I am not sure their attitude about dating and sex is any better than the older generation.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 23
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 4/24/2014 2:31:20 PM
raggedyanna- I was married for 21 years and it was weird when I divorced and started dating again.
Really, the only thing that helps is time.
Your friend seems like he just needs to talk more than he wants advice, so be there and listen :)
 kevinn66
Joined: 6/28/2013
Msg: 24
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 5/15/2014 2:21:38 PM
Was married 28 years so i have to tried to learn all i could to prepare. But if i had a friend who did not know how to have a full and balanced relationship i would be honest and try to help or find someone that did know how.
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 25
Dating after a very long marriage
Posted: 5/16/2014 8:19:17 AM
Op....Your story of sexual partners sounds like mine....in a lot of ways!
My opinion is when you are inexperienced and naive we really don't know any better....I thought to myself....There had to be something wrong with me.
I grew up in the era...where sex wasn't discussed and there were no information out there for us...readily available.
Even with our best friends....we never discussed sex....then.

I never knew what good sex for me was until I met someone that was a giver.
The gates were opened....so, to speak.....no turning back!!
You know....I have a few older galfriends that still would never dream of oral or other positions.
I wish him good luck....in finding another at his age...I think most are looking for the companionship more than the sex.
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