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 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 1
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To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughtsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have been seeing a woman for about 8 months, living together for 6 of them. I recently am having trouble deciding if I should stay or leave her. There are multiple issues concerning if I want to leave her or not.

1. When she is home, she tends to sleep all the time and watch tv and if I am on the computer or not watching tv with her in the bedroom, then I am not spending time with her. IMO if we are in the same room ,we are spending time together whether we be communicating or not.

2. If I talk about buying World of Warcraft or a motorcycle, she replies that she will dump me because her ex's rode motorcycles and in her eyes WoW destroyed her first marriage.

3. Talking to other women(I have friends that are women and I deleted them to make her happy. Once she started going out of control with her controlling nature, I decided if I get a friend request and the women are not ex's then I will be friends with them)

4. Drinking. I drink on weekends but Heaven forbid I crack a beer around her...all of a sudden I'm a drunk and the relationships not worth it and the world and our relationship is gonna end because I have one beer during the week.

5. "We don't have the money". I understand we are looking to move in together on a 12 month lease but I have a job and you have a monthly income. We have saved combined money towards an apartment... That is it. All other money in my bank account is mine and I should be able to spoil myself without you complaining that I am spending my money.

6. "Vacations" to BCU facilities: I'm not gonna lie. I miss waking up to her and having her make me breakfast( a pop tart and granola bar tossed in a bag) and lunch( either a sandwich or money for fast food) for work and then making sure I am up for work. However, I do worry when she is in a facility where she can make 10 min phone calls and I hear from her 2-3 times a day. I also remember her last visit to the same BCU and they were very unstructured and have bad google reviews. Its gotta feel like a jail and I feel bad for her and want her home.

7. Kissing and Sex: Do not say "Give me a GD kiss!" and expect one. Also, do not say "That's it? give me a real kiss" just because I won't give a you French kiss every single time that I kiss you. I feel that kissing along with Sex are starting to lose their meaning. I realized that at 32, sex is not too important to me in a relationship...although it may just be you . I'm not sure yet but I'd like them to be somewhat special.

8. "Your" truck: Yes your father did give you a truck with the title in my name.

9. I think I need space. If I am in the same house as you, Do not ask me where I am going when I leave the room. I am either going to the bathroom or going to visit with my other female roommate or bug her kids. I am in the same house and also just because I am talking to my female roommate does not mean that just because I am out of the room for longer than 10 minutes that I need "supervision". If I wanted a dog, I would go buy one.

10. Do not say that I cannot go fishing without you, or to the bar without you. A man needs a night out every once in a while. Granted your company would be fine most of the time, sometimes I want to do things myself and don't need a "Supervisor"

11. "You're an a-hole": I have not called you names and just because your relatives have passed or are passing, I am not trying to be cynical when you are crying but I state" It happens in life, people pass away". I won't say It will be ok. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I understand that you need time to grieve and all but I am not a sympathetic person. I can try though.

What would I lose if I left her? Depends on the way I look at it.

I could lose someone who cares and a friend for life , have to give her the truck and pay 600 to get my old truck back and have to pay the full amount on a lease for 12 months if I sign for it.

What could I gain? I could gain freedom to do whatever I wanted without consequence.

What do I want? I want the woman I fell in love with in the honeymoon period. The one who accepted me for who I am without trying to control my actions and make me feel like I am in a shell.

What are your opinions?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 2
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:06:59 PM
You son, are phucked.

You're gonna be royally phucked if she ever sees your profile here, on this dating site.

Either/or, at least you're getting phucked.

Better than some.

Worse than others.

Oh. Edit to add.

My only advice.

Measure twice(ten times if it takes that long), and cut once.
 LangloisJ
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 3
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To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:17:06 PM
We actually met on this site. So she knows I have a profile.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:20:19 PM

So she knows I have a profile.


Yet, she doesn't care but she does care if you open a beer around her?


Yeah, like I said.

You're phucked.

Keep the profile active.
 Law212
Joined: 8/28/2013
Msg: 5
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:24:45 PM
Wow you guys are already in a rut. Sounds like a prison.
Everyone needs their space and their own hobbies.
Sounds like a relationship full of insecurity and control issues.

I cant tell someone else what to do, but I couldn't take it. You live once, don't spend your time miserable.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 6
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:37:33 PM
To Opp : She is already laying down stipulations on what you can and can not do with your free time . Time to walk away .
 ladymercury
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 7
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 5:46:49 PM
At the end of the day all those reasons are just that, you reasoning. I'd wager you're having a tough time with all this going on in your mind, sure, but really you're either going to stay or leave. The rest of it is kind of fluff if you ask me.

It seems she has no interest in leaving and so the decision will be yours. Yes, the honeymoon period is over and unfortunately you're both forgetting that you were on your honeymoon just a few short months ago.

Tough stuff, dude.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 7:08:37 PM
My opinion? OK. If she was my GF I would destroy all evidence of my ever being born and hightail off the grid for the next 10-12 years until she forgets I ever existed.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 3/22/2014
Msg: 9
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 7:26:35 PM

I want the woman I fell in love with in the honeymoon period. The one who accepted me for who I am without trying to control my actions and make me feel like I am in a shell.


Maybe you should show her this thread with all the responses?
If you love her, you need to talk to her.
However, sounds as if BOTH of you are UNHAPPY. Not a good thing, fix it or leave it (my 2 cents) Good luck :)
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 10
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To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 7:46:34 PM
End it.

and learn from it!!
God Lawd...you moved in together after only 2 months...
which is no where near enough time to get to know someone.
There is no "girl I fell in love with".... that girl was a facade.....the one you live with now is the real person behind that facade.
And if you had actually taken the time to get to know her before moving in.... you would have found out "who" the real 'her' is.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 11
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 7:57:25 PM
Run, don't look back. When you have the time, do some serious introspection about what you could have done differently and what lessons you'll take to your next relationship. (Though I agree with her for number 11. "What can I do to help?" would have been a much more appropriate statement.)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 12
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 8:26:43 PM
log your laptop into this post

hand laptop over to her

ask her to post her side of the relationship.

then we can give you educated opinions. until then, the only answer to your question is,

"do you feel respected?"

that's the only measuring stick ever needed for a relationship.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 13
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 9:03:14 PM
Wow. Sounds bad to me. I'd leave.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 14
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To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 9:22:15 PM

What are your opinions?


Do you honestly see her changing? I would run really really fast.
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 15
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 9:42:43 PM
And this is why I would never move in with a woman unless I was planning to marry her. All of this stuff you've would eventually found out during the course of a year of dating (with each person maintaining their own place during the first year of dating ).

#2 would've been enough for me to end this relationship.
 MikeTO12345
Joined: 2/9/2014
Msg: 16
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/22/2014 10:49:23 PM
Run, run fast! This is why I will never move in with a woman. I prefer to live alone.
 the_regency
Joined: 12/20/2013
Msg: 17
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 12:02:37 AM
What do I want? I want the woman I fell in love with in the honeymoon period. The one who accepted me for who I am without trying to control my actions and make me feel like I am in a shell.


You lost her with you self-centeredness. An active profile on POF that does not state you are in a relationship and living together instead says you are seeking a relationship? Ya think that makes her feel all cozy and warm? But you take it even further and insist on making "friends" with women from the dating site, even when she's let you know it does not keep her happy in the relationship.

She's selfish too. Motorcycles don't ruin relationships, bad owners do. Putting all guys on the same page as her ex is not fair, but it's a workable situation. You could insist on a compromise. That's the only main problem she needs to work on. All the rest of your list is a direct result of you keeping up and making new "girl" friends on a dating site.

You have a responsibility to help your partner feel comfortable, if you don't do your part you get all the insecure and selfish reactions of your list.

Maybe you need to lose her and a few others until you learn how to treat a woman right.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 18
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 7:34:56 AM
Dump her!

You could call her bluff on WoW or the motorcycle.

You'll be happier without her.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 19
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 8:42:46 AM
None of it sounds out of this world, lol. She's just not completely in love with you, and therefore cannot hold her tongue and judgement about the things you like, that she is not into.

I think you could do better, I'm not fond of people who can't understand that we're not gonna agree on everything, but show me you care about the fact that I care about something. For example, I don't like animals, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen to someone concerned about their pet, and suggest a vet clinic and possibly helping them take care of the pet.

I was recently upset with my friend because he kept telling me he wanted a tablet to surf web and store pictures (he does photography). I kept telling him he doesn't need one for that purpose, nor could he afford a good one. Something got into him and he got a Kindle Fire, and wanted to ask me a few questions and I told him "I told you , you don't need it, you won't use it often, you have a laptop and desktop at home, and the people who you want to show pictures to, can get it on a USB or microsd chip, there was no need to get a tablet, you got it anyway so now deal with it, I'm not an android person so cannot answer your questions. You should have asked the salesperson before buying it, not after you already took it out the box. ". I have not seen or heard of the tablet since the first week he brought it to work, as I suspected, it's more than likely collecting dust somewhere in his house. He does things like these all the time, especially with his health, if he sees me eat a cookie or drink a pineapple soda, he craves one (knowing he can't have it), and then try to justify why he can have it (haven't had it in a month, didn't consume a lot go sugar in that week, etc). The point is that his priorities are always screwed up. Maybe that's how she feels about your choices (WoW, motorcycle, alcohol, etc), like you're focusing on things that don't matter in the real world, and disregarding the things she considers relevant in the real world.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 20
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 8:50:16 AM
I bet a hundred bucks that there's another side of this story. Her side. So I am not going to say that she is horrible, or that you are horrible. What I am going to say is that you are at a stage where all you got is RESENTMENT. Add to that criticism and you have a recipe for disaster.

To start with, you two moved together way too fast. You never got a chance to see if you got along AS YOU were. Instead you are wanting to change each other into something than neither one is.

You are posting here because you're unsure about splitting with her. YOu love her, but the old her, not the new her. But the reality is that THIS IS the real her. Do some research. How is her mother? How does her mother treads her father?

Remember that a relationship a happy medium between your ideals and your significant other's ideals. If you feel like you're walking on egg shells and every compromise only leads to more demands, more criticism and more compromise, it's time to move out.
 Westernguy
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 21
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 9:05:49 AM
You may as well have simply said :

I live with a woman who has my balls in a jar .... is she a keeper ?




Westernguy
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 22
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 9:19:37 AM
this isn't the "new" her...this is the real one.

forget about the financial losses. to paraphrase that movie, "A Bronx Tale", you won't be losing money, you'll be buying back your right to not be beholden to someone else. and yes, it costs to be self-sufficient. freedom ain't free.

she'll have her own version of events, but the thing is...we define happiness by what we saw growing up. and for some of us, true happiness is something we don't understand b/c we didn't experience enough of it. but for those who have...we know it when we see it, and know to run away when we don't see it.

people can change for a short period of time, but in the end...their nature is their nature. it won't change until they decide its not working at all for them. apparently, she has what she's been looking for....until you take it away.
 irishgirl772
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 23
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 10:17:43 AM
The problem is you moved in with her after being together for only 2 months. You didnt know her well enough. She has some serious control issues. This isnt going to change. This is who she is. It sounds like you need to move out. Dont sign a 12 mo lease on another apartment if you want to leave. Once you sign, you are responsible for the rent even if you decide to move out later.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 2:37:01 PM

My opinion? OK. If she was my GF I would destroy all evidence of my ever being born and hightail off the grid for the next 10-12 years until she forgets I ever existed.


That sounds right.
You could leave a note suggesting she look at a career in being a prison guard on your way out the door.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 25
To stay or to go...Conflicting thoughts
Posted: 4/23/2014 2:57:38 PM
**CRACK!!**

If I could get POF to have a sound bite of a cracking whip, that's the sound you make. You're a whipped man!
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