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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is it me or is POF one-sided?      Home login  
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 disneytech951
Joined: 2/5/2014
Msg: 1
Is it me or is POF one-sided?Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Can anybody here give me some advice here? It has seemed to me that POF seems to be more geared towards girls because they seem to not have to do any searching because all the guys message them and they just have to read profiles and respond. I have used POF on and off for a little over 2 years now and (I am not kidding I swear) have only received 1 message from another girl. Also during this timeframe, I have written a considerable number of people, and less than 5% of them have written back (all of them have read my message/viewed my profile because Viewed Me tells me), and those that have, have quit talking to me with no explanation, some have also blocked me. Nothing I have said would have caused any negativity either. Just normal conversation so I am very confused, upset, hurt, and frustrated by all of this. Idk if it's the girls in my general area, or if all the girls on POF are like this where they seem to not like me even though I match what their profile says they are looking for. Advice/help please?
 disneytech951
Joined: 2/5/2014
Msg: 2
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 8:57:59 PM
Also forgot to add that I have made changes to my profile amid suggestions and comments from my fellow POF and real life peers and that doesn't seem to have done diddly squat for me either
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 3
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 9:08:01 PM
Yes it's one sided. There's like 5 guys per 1 women (though there's more women in the human population so I really don't understand that). I have never had it work.
 disneytech951
Joined: 2/5/2014
Msg: 4
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 9:22:07 PM
You're telling me! I'm just about to resign to the fact that I probably will not find love again and I am probably going to delete my account and stay single.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 5
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 9:25:23 PM
I'm a woman and I'm still single. I do write men first, not even the super handsome ones, and get no responses or worse, get blocked after the first "I like your profile" message. It's not one-sided at all.
 disneytech951
Joined: 2/5/2014
Msg: 6
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 9:27:43 PM
It just has seemed one-sided to me because of what I've experienced here on the site. Girls keep on looking and looking at my stuff, but rarely if at all write me.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 7
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 9:32:29 PM
I get lots of views too, but not that many messages, relatively speaking. I do get messages, but the vast majority from people who are not what I'm looking for or from out of state.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 8
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/6/2014 11:08:46 PM
I had the same experience...I would write to guys I thought were interesting and either got a curt, one sentence reply to a joke or something I wrote, or nothing at all. Yes, guys would "view me" and never write. They would also check me out after I checked THEM out, and never write. I rewrote, reorganized, uploaded different photos, and had zero..and I mean zero luck..even managing a second date with anyone. Complete wash out.

I keep saying this because this is THE number one subject brought up by men here..that no women contact them. Well, for some of us women, we had the same thing happen.

What I find ironic is that men are moaning and groaning that they can never get any female response here, but in real life, all I see are men walking around with their noses in their celphones. Women are everywhere waiting to talk! In elevators, in line at the store, we are here! Where are you?

Get off your devices and start smiling and chatting to women around you!
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 9
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History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 2:36:44 AM

What I find ironic is that men are moaning and groaning that they can never get any female response here, but in real life, all I see are men walking around with their noses in their celphones. Women are everywhere waiting to talk! In elevators, in line at the store, we are here! Where are you?

Get off your devices and start smiling and chatting to women around you!


That's good advice. You should talk to everyone, even women you're not attracted to. I think a lot of men had one or two bad experiences talking to some woman in public that rolled her eyes because she was taken or he wasn't her type. They let this colour the rest of their social interactions. As long as you're congruent and non-needy, most people will respond positively to you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 4:00:34 AM
It isn't the SITE that is one-sided, or that has the characteristics you are fussing about, it's human existence.

Unless you are born with certain obviously advantageous traits and conditions, finding other humans to interact with romantically is just plain HARD. It's ALWAYS been hard.

It has nothing to do with cell phones, or any of the rest of it. People with money have an easier time than those without. People with low stress in their lives have an easier time of things. People with access to resources have an easier time. People born good looking have an easier time. Guys with deep voices have an easier time. The list goes on and on.

Despite all the pushing and protesting, it is STILL the cultural norm that guys have to initiate one way or another. Even in situations where women DO make the first move, the male is STILL expected to "prove he is the strong leader" in some way, by taking over after the opening exchanges. Heck, just read these forums. Over and over and over again, you will find people adamantly stating that "if the guy is really interested, he will make time for the woman, will come up with the activities to do, will learn at some point to be the primary initiator, etc"...and the drumbeat message is always that if he does NOT take the lead, that he should be dumped as being a wimp or as failing to show that he IS genuinely interested.

It's so deeply ingrained in the culture, that even the most intense feminists often fail utterly to recognize that they are still obeying the old rules.

So fuss all you want about cell phones, businesses catering to one group more than another, and about members of the opposite sex who seemingly wont take you on on your terms. But at least recognize that the reasons why are far beyond the pettiness of a given individual, or of a given website.
 Law212
Joined: 8/28/2013
Msg: 11
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 5:46:15 AM
Girls definitely get far more attention and get flooded with messages, but from my own personal experience, while I have had times of getting absolutely no replies and no first messages, there are other times where I get a lot of replies and quite a few first messages from women.

Most of my best dates have been from women who sent me the first message.

I'm no Adonis, I think im pretty average, im not rich (im still in school) and right now im in an awesome relationship with a girl who sent me a message on another site.

My only advice , is don't let this site be an addiction. Use it once in a while, update your profile whenever youre on so that you show up first in searches and don't get discouraged just because you aren't getting the attention you think you should be getting. I think some people take this far too serious.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 12
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 7:18:33 AM

You're telling me! I'm just about to resign to the fact that I probably will not find love again and I am probably going to delete my account and stay single.


At friggin age 21, ^ how more pathetic can anybody sound?
Do you have to rely that much on Online dating to find somebody?
Are you living alone in the middle of the desert? Is there a shortage of women in So Cal?

Online dating should be a minor supplement and not the main course in your quest to find somebody.
If you really wanna find somebody then look for it! Get your priorities straight!

Lay off the Xbox and quit watching so much football; and forget about getting more tattoos (do you really think most women like looking at that crap on somebody's skin?)

Improve your appearance by losing " afew extra pounds"; Get into a Gym and do some serious work outs, and dump the food that is making you overweight


Also forgot to add that I have made changes to my profile amid suggestions and comments from my fellow POF and real life peers and that doesn't seem to have done diddly squat for me either


It didn't do squat because it is still lacking!
All you talk about is you and what like and don't like, and asking single mothers to "talk to you".
You don't say anything that tells us who you are at your core
You say you are in law enforcement, yet you say you work at an autoparts store!
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 13
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History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 7:45:28 AM

You're telling me! I'm just about to resign to the fact that I probably will not find love again and I am probably going to delete my account and stay single.


Yeah, That's exactly what going to happen to someone that is 21 years old. You will never find someone again. (smh)

You've been married once. What did you do to find her?

I can honestly say dating sites are not for 20 something males. You need to get out there offline.
I didn't get married until I was 34. I was in the military and never was in one place for more than 2 years.
What are you major goals in life? I can tell you from experience that if you pursue your life goals, relationships will fall into place naturally.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 14
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 8:15:56 AM
Hasn't this rant been overdone at nauseum?

Dude, I feel your pain, but do a Forum search and you will find a ton of info on your dilemma. And a ton of info into what to do about your dilemma.

In the mean time keep working on your degree. Go to the gym and lose some weight. And go out to the real world.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 15
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 8:30:57 AM

Yeah, That's exactly what going to happen to someone that is 21 years old. You will never find someone again. (smh)

You've been married once. What did you do to find her?


This is mainly for the OP, but your answer might be in here.

POF is not going to find you dates. No dating site is. The ONLY thing these sites do is give you a list of possible people to talk to. It's a glorified facebook. That's it.

It's also true, you better have everything going for you on here. A lot of women complain about the guys messaging them, while there's a lot of guys on here that shouldn't be messaging women, the women still have that choice to talk to the decent ones. But because of human nature, it's a choice they choose to not use. Because of that, there is somewhat of being one sided.

Do what you did to find the girl you married... TALK TO GIRLS OFFLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Off of here, they're completely different people. They'll talk to you, you'll build friendships and relationships. It's not going to be constant just being ignored. Online dating isn't life. You might get to actually talk to someone, but the majority isn't going to answer any specific person. Then maybe you meet, maybe go on a date, odds are, someone better is going to come along she's going to jump on that idea, then when that doesn't work, respond to you a week later when by that point you've lost interest.


What I find ironic is that men are moaning and groaning that they can never get any female response here, but in real life, all I see are men walking around with their noses in their celphones. Women are everywhere waiting to talk! In elevators, in line at the store, we are here! Where are you?


This is our biggest problem as a society. We're losing that social part of being in public, and completely forgetting how to act socially. Read through these forums, it's becoming the norm to way too many people to meet people by coming to a website, looking through pictures, and then deciding who's actually worth talking to. Everyone is actually believing that the only one worth finding is online, and not one of the tons of other people they see every day. It's not just cell phones, it's our entire obsession with the internet. I'm sure if almost every one of us on here looks at our friends that seem to always have a gf/bf, or found someone great and got married, that there's a HUGE difference between how much they're online and us. And think, when did we make the most friends in our lives, when did we meet people through those friends that we maybe ended up dating... It was before our entire free time was spent reading words on a screen.

I think every one of us needs to get off of here. Put our phones away. And just go outside. Go to a gym, find a club, volunteer, do anything that doesn't involve your computer. And we'll probably all have an easier time finding someone than we do on here. Both 20 and 50 year olds... Let's actually communicate with each other again.

Even those of us who aren't on here much. If we look at all the time we spend on the internet at all, it'll probably come with a huge realization that we're wasting our lives. I'm fixing that as soon as my paycheck clears tomorrow and I have the gas to actually get somewhere away from my house.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 16
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 8:37:38 AM
"Girls definitely get far more attention and get flooded with message"

This just isn't true. Women are also sitting around for weeks without getting messages and also can have a tough time with the online dating thing. I hear this assumption so much here, that women have all the advantage. This isn't a contest to see who gets more attention or who is more left out. I used to message interesting men all the time online and rarely even got a date out of it..sometimes no responses at all. I retooled, rethought my profile, made sure it was positive, funny, updated the photos, reworked it again and again for about 3 years. Nothing ever came of it.

Now, with so many people (men and women) distracted with their devices, ipods and celphones, no one even tries to make small talk in real life either. I will always stand by the celphone thing as a genuinely damaging social issue. So many times I've been in the elevator at work, or at the store, walking down the sidewalk, I look up and am ready to smile and make eye contact with a guy, and he pulls up his celphone, looks down and closes up. This is why it's tough to see so many guys here upset and confused as to why they get no responses here, and then, out in the real world away from the computer guys are glued to their phones. Maybe here in LA it's particularly bad, but I suspect it's the same everywhere. Places you used to go and could expect to at least make eye contact, such as cafes and coffee shops are filled with people on their laptops and screwing around with the celphones.

I'm still genuinely trying to figure out what to do. And I feel at the age of 47, my options are shrinking..you sort of start to feel like a window is closing as people are now married or preoccupied with games on their celphones or whatever it is.

I've gone on first dates as well where the celphone comes out and the guy is checking his e-mail.

I feel for the guys here who get frustrated over it. I eventually stopped, but really..if you want to up the odds of meeting someone cool, when you ARE out and about, make yourselves socially available! If a lady smiles at you when you pass her in Trader Joes smile back! I can't remember the last time a man returned my smile or engaged in some friendly banter anywhere in public. Gak! People are so grim and closed up.

I have this happy little dream where I will bump into a guy at the store, and we'll start joking and laughing and wow...we'll go thru the store together and gather up some stuff for a picnic, meet up at a nice park and have a wonderful afternoon, no pressure, just enjoying some sandwiches and good company. It almost chokes me up thinking about how simple and wonderful this would be.

But hey, remember we are taught not to be needy. These days maybe even a smile is considered needy!

Rockin trucker your post if great! Let's go on a picnic some time!!!
 ouija2013
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 17
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 8:55:32 AM
Calling it on line dating is incorrect - but calling it " here are some photos and a few words about random people you may or may not find revolting in the flesh" fish is a tad long.
I don't order everything on a menu I select what appeals to me. And that can change.
VK - you need to start hitting the stores daily .. start approaching :)
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 9:29:56 AM
I believe that POF is a social site that is used for dating by some, hook ups by others, and just a social interaction medium by far more. As one that has been on here for quite some time, the evolution of the use of POF has been interesting at best and convoluted at worse.

Many so called men use the approach of hitting on 100 hoping to be successful with two or three, and that leads to some women, many the same ones, being inundated with email asking to meet, hook up, or give that person a chance. Some women are courageous enough to venture out and email some men, and those are the ones that get many emails from many women, and thus they find out what most men already know........that it is not easy to connect with the right ones and even start the process.

I have received many emails over the years, mostly from those that are not really my type, and I have responded to each and every one of them......at least one time. The number of "heys", "what's up", and "nice smile", with nothing really more of substance, has been unbelievable, and when I respond with a "hey" back, they seem insulted, or never email again. My approach has been to be very selective and respond accordingly, and never ever bombard many women with attempts that just make me one of the many.

Women know how to entice a man is a very subtle way, and show their interest, both in real life, and on a social site like this one!

cd
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 19
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 9:33:42 AM

I can't remember the last time a man returned my smile or engaged in some friendly banter anywhere in public. Gak! People are so grim and closed up.


Part of that is the women too. Another thing you'll see reading these forums. To these girls, there's apparently no acceptable time offline that you can talk to them. There's definitely a lot of mixed advice.

These guys come here questioning nobody talking to them, and we tell them to talk to more people in public. Then they put up a post asking when it's a good time to talk in public, and everyone is saying that if they're at the gym, jogging, shopping, etc., that they don't want to be bothered by a guy talking to them. Unless she shows interest in you, then you're allowed to say hi. We lead these guys in a circle right back to being on this site.

And a picnic would be awesome if I didn't hate your state with a passion. Nothing good has ever happened while I was there, actually, it's always been a disaster... Starting with forgetting it's a desert and almost getting heat stroke.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 20
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 11:38:08 AM

Craft your message. Tailor it to the status of the target. Your churchy "Duck Dynasty" type respond to a different vocabulary and writing style than Malibu entitlement princesses. Be systematic. Learn from every email. Emailing on a dating site is an art all by itself. Get good at it.


Dude, this is absolutely beautiful.

I'd like to add. Don't make it long. Do not make it sound like a mass email. Do not complement physically, complement something that was a mental choice. Start the conversation in the middle. Do not ask her to check you out, nor should you validate yourself to her. End with a question.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 21
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History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 11:51:33 AM


Women outspend men by about 4 to 1 on consumer items. The cash customers here are the women. It is only good business to cater to your paying customers. The admin doesn't care about you, You don't click on as many ads as women do. If men spent most of the money, this site would be very very different.


I do believe you’re wrong in your assumptions. You are correct that the owner of this site, Marcus, is concerned only with what women want, not men. But your reasoning as to why is faulty.

Think about this: Why do so many night clubs give free admission and free drinks to women? Because if the women are there, the men will follow, and spend money. The exact same reasoning applies here, and it has made Marcus very rich.

=== change of subject====

I find it very interesting that VK talks about men not being available for conversation / interaction when they are out in public. I have to agree with RT82, many, many, many women have posted here in the forums how much they absolutely hate having men approach them in public. This appears to be an absolute no win situation for men, but I have found a way out. And it is indeed very simple.

Do not worry about the women who resent you trying to smile at them / strike up a conversation. If this were a baseball game, then only the base hits and the home runs would count. Strike outs simply do not matter, do not count against you. And you have an unlimited number of “at bats”. Everywhere you go, there are attractive women. The grocery store, the car wash, the laundromat, the mall, literally everywhere – well, possible exception for the men’s room, although there have been a few times… But I digress.

Do not be a wussy, do not be afraid of rejections. Try it, smile at that woman in the elevator, and say “It sure is hot out there. I’m ready for a break in this weather.” She may ignore you, but the odds are really good that she will not pull out a knife and stab you.

And if you have to do it 10 times before one of the women smiles back and offers a friendly reply, so what? Those 9 strike outs do not count! There is no one keeping score.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 22
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 12:38:20 PM

an anybody here give me some advice here?

There are plenty of threads on the same topic and there is good advice in those and even on this thread already.


It has seemed to me that POF seems to be more geared towards girls because they seem to not have to do any searching because all the guys message them and they just have to read profiles and respond.

The volume of messages in a woman's mailbox is such that by the time you look at every single message, respond to a few (and they may respond right away), check their profiles, and while doing this, you get more messages filling up your box, you simply don't have time to look at your matches, read their profile, craft messages, etc.

Tell me if it makes sense to ignore everyone in your mailbox who is already showing you interest, in favor of searching, reviewing matches, going through the ribbon of pictures at the bottom on the phone app, go through your "viewed me" section and view those who appeal to you, conduct on your on search, etc. The volume of messages keeps me busy enough that I'm fighting to keep those badges from appearing on my phone on top of the app. Every hour on the hour, I'm clearing my box of messages that don't make sense, I get so many notifications, I wish I could change the layout and notification preferences. Any time I have new matches, someone wants to meet me, someone sends a message, someone adds me to their favorite list, I get a f*cking notification/a badge/a banner on my phone telling me that I have something pending. It occurs in such frequency that it's the only reason I open the app. I have no desire to look at the app, open it or do anything with it by the same they exhaust me with all these notifications. Then when I open the app, I appear super online, and get more views, more messages, more matches, more people want to meet me, it's the f*ckery of every day life, it's exhausting.

Please understand that I'm not complaining or boasting about the volume of messages, no, if they were quality messages by people who are more or less someone most people would date, there would be no problem (the only problem would be: How do I meet them all, my god, there just aren't enough hours in day or week, lol). I'm alluding the fact that the operation of this kind of mechanism is such that it keeps you so busy, there is no time to do what most men do (look at their matches, conduct searches, compose messages, look at profiles, etc). You guys spend quality time doing this, which is good, but we are not given a choice by default because it seems little elfs are at work in our mailbox 24/7. I've even gotten messages at 2, 3, 4, 5am, and I'm like "wtf?". If there were no traffic or lets say get a message or two a day, then I'd have time to spend some time in the app, doing something other than going through all the messages, deleting, responding, etc.

All these notifications are arriving all throughout the day. Never mind that most of us work, go to the bathroom, want to watch TV, want to workout, want to catch up with friends, want to go out for a walk, want to sleep, etc. It's like small children, they are on you anytime you are on site and don't let you do much. You're having a conversation, and the snotty nose wants to talk to you at the same time, you go to the bathroom, the kid wants to go the bathroom with you, you're watching TV and the kid waits for the program to come on to then want to talk about their day, you need to cook something, the kid wants to come play with their toys in the kitchen. Sorry I just went through this with my baby niece, and it reminded me of POF. I had to laugh, she gave me this look, like she knew she was being too much but couldn't help it, lol.


I have used POF on and off for a little over 2 years now and (I am not kidding I swear) have only received 1 message from another girl.

Read what I wrote above, some of us simply don't get a chance. We have other things to do too during the day and night, and POF becomes inconsequential to it all.


Advice/help please?

Put yourself in my shoes with the visual I just provided. What would you have to do to get my attention and keep my attention? Send a good message and have a decent profile with decent pictures, that's it! It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to you, as long as you look like someone I'd sit across from, somewhere in a public place, who has something to say about himself in a profile and you look decent in your pictures. Then there's personal preference, you just need to the ability to speak/type about something interesting, be more than 3 inches taller than me, but not taller than 6'1 (I'm only 5'3), be a gentleman, and that's it!

Just while writing all this, I got a message distracting me from finishing my post. If men had this happen to them, even they would be deleting messages without reading them, it's just too many and what does it look like when you write to someone days or weeks after they wrote you? lol
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 23
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 12:47:54 PM

Those 9 strike outs do not count! There is no one keeping score.


Yes, there is.
Those people sitting in the bleachers with the "K" signs.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 1:23:05 PM
The site owner has posted stats in ages. The ratios of men to women are skewed by other factors, geography, age range....etc. Plus, he only have stats on who's online at the time. I'm telling you, forget about the numbers. Seriously. What would it matter if there were a thousand women that met your search criteria or 50? What I think people do with numbers is they get some justification for their lack of success stuck in their head and they can't get past it to have a positive attitude. Numbers aren't your friend.

There is a constant turnover of people on the site, so unless you could "freeze" the site, the numbers from last week wouldn't be accurate anyway.

POF may appear one-sided to you because you're only having the male experience. If you had the female experience, it would give you a different perspective. What does that matter anyway? Or are you just looking for a reason to be fed up, disappointed or disillusioned?

Maybe you need to look at the commonalities of the women you're picking out to write to. Maybe your selection factors are out of whack. You should be looking for someone with the same basic qualities, lifestyle, etc. MY experience is that most of the guys who write me are older, ummm...well let's just say not an athletic body type (ahem), minimal education and are not that physically appealing. It's okay to want someone that's got more going on then you, but that's not realistic. Yes, there are levels, or leagues....whatever terminology you want to use, it exists in real life and on here too. Although it sounds idealistic, even romantic, to say leagues don't exist, that's just not true.

Try picking girls who are pretty much on your level as far as physical appearance and accomplishments, etc. If you have been and still aren't getting responses, that's pretty much the norm. I respond to very few emails, because there are very few that I have any interest in. Like it or not, that's the way it works, online, in person.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 25
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/7/2014 1:35:36 PM
Re: hate that some women have being approached, maybe they are at a certain point in their life or are very attractive and men get pesty about it-not sure. Funny, I remember the age of 14 is when I got most of the car honking, whistles, come ons...and of course at that age, and the sheer sexual crudeness of it can set you up to be defensive and eventually disgusted that the interest in you is clearly not because of your brilliant mind-ha ha. Maybe the women who are sick of it get approached a lot, have a boyfriend, not sure. Some women just get a lot more attention than others and some of it is going to clearly be the "I'd love to eff you" sort of attention which can come off as threatening and abrasive to some women. We're all a little different. I've never been turned off or felt objectified because of a compliment or flirt. It's fun. Fills you up.
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