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 AUTHOR
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 1
Need Some Feedback on the BaitPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
As expected this is a request for some of the users in here to review my profile and see where I should make some changes, tweaks or just outright throw this can of bait out and start over. I've been on POF for quite a while. I get replies but not the right ones.

Thanks in advance for your well thought out critique and don't be afraid to throw a little sarcasm or humor into the mix.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 5:54:33 PM

If I have to use a globe to find where you live, it’s not going to make it. It has been my experience that many people think that because a man is on an internet dating site he is desperate. That's not the case. If your life is full of drugs and drama, recast your line. I'm not the fish for you. Okay, so you know what I'm not looking for, now on to what I am looking for… Like my favorite rides at WDW, there is no height restriction for this attraction. No weight limit, required eye color, hair length or color. No PhD or GED, but you do have to be able to have a conversation. If you speak 15 languages fluently, know the secrets of astrophysics, and the theorem of nuclear fission you will be talking over my level. On the other hand, we do have to be able to converse, text and email. So it is important that you know how to communicate. So communication is one important thing on the checklist. You have to have a sense of humor.


At the beginning, I liked your profile. The more I read, the less I liked it. By the time I was done, I was sick of it. It wasn't because it was poorly written. It just seemed contrived to me. Maybe I saw "executive management" and was unconsciously biased? Not sure, but my criticism is it sounded like I had read it before .... many times. It seemed like you expertly cobbled together witty profile writing tips from other articles on the internet, on top of some pretty sugar coated negativity, all with good humor - no question there. Slick, professional, but not real. I get you have a beautiful daughter, but it spooked me how much she appeared. Granted, if I were so lucky ... I still wouldn't do that with her online and the profile felt like you are looking for a relationship based on convenience of the children. Very noble ... Again, where're you? Do you like a romantic movie, say Sommersby? I want to hear about it. You have your own feelings in there somewhere behind Big Bird.

There was hyperbole over the edge, nuclear physicist, 15 languages, ok funny, “No weight limit”, hey we all know things are negotiable, but you enjoy writing blank checks, too. Heck I don’t know where the bar is, it is too busy to think about “click”. It is all lost in the fine humor, excellent prose, all over the map and I don't know you at all.


Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas
BTW, I believe you mean manténgase. Nasty spell checker!
 GreenThumbz18
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 3
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 6:15:27 PM
I think you should ease up on the Willy Wonka side, and beef up the grown up man side. It's safe to say that most women do find a sense of humor an attractive feature in a man, but you have to know when to turn it on and off.
The pic of your daughter in the car, plus one more goofy shot are more than enough to get the message across.
A bit more physical activity should be part of your day too, or you may lose your "average body" rating :)
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 4
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 6:26:08 PM
9Pluto, I appreciate your honesty and your review. You have given me some things to think about. Yes, I have read some tips on here about profiles, not doubt. However, I wrote it on my own. I felt that Executive Management was better than Corporate Vice President.

My daughter is clearly mentioned due to past experiences on here and my second marriage. My second wife would give her two youngest children to her ex-husband every two weeks for a weekend. It never failed on those weekends she would get upset when I'd get my child. At first it was just requesting I skip a weekend and spend it with her. Then later it would be like, "Can't we just have a break from kids this weekend?". Then finally it was "If I have to put up with any kids this weekend, we are done.".

Oddly, Sommersby is one of my favorite movies. However, I did have a crush on Jodie Foster when I was younger. I'll correct the Spanish right away. Again, thanks for the review.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 5
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History
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 6:58:27 PM
Thom, I understand where you are coming from and can I even say I'm slightly envious ;-) It sounds like you had a bad experience with dating and your fatherly responsibility and now you carry it as baggage, as evidenced by the negativity about the subject in your profile. You give the women fair warning.

Another thing. The car pic is 4 years old. It's dated, but you really need a replacement. We just had a similar profile issue. 4 years IMO is simply too much. Mice convertible, just update the photo with the new you.

I have no doubt opinions will differ here, so you get what you pay for and listen to some of the other women. To be honest with you, after I read yours, I went back to my own top see if it was equally objectionable to me. I left also with something to think about, and I think yours goes too far.

Another thing you will hear, is that your age range is 30 to 47, all younger than you. There is a psychology going on here. I suggest you lose the entire thing. Can't you see how the monorail allowed rides from 8-80 ! Or what happened there. What would you say if the monorail only said ages 8-47. Hmmm - dilemma, huh? Be sure the logic flows through. These little itsy bitsy details are what make it a little too smooth – Definitely VP PowerPoint quality ;-) Listen to GreenThumbz, loosen it up a bit to make it reachable and it will get top 5% for sure. It is too professional and demanding at the same time, all the while writing that blank check …

As for the Spanish, you know what? Leave it. If Disney can't speak my dialect of Spanish, it's not your problem. Now I wish Navegante were here to give his opinion. I listened to the sound bite of the monorail after posting. You got it right ;-) Sounded like scratching a blackboard to me (initially when I posted I did not know where it came from and just noted it sounded like there was no agreement in the sentence with 'alejado'), but who knows, I Googled it out of curiosity and actually first on the list was your profile and then a bunch of Disney references including the actual sound bite. It would be an interesting topic on a conversational Spanish website.
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 7
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 8:39:28 PM
I'll think about how to change the text to lighten up on the levity and comedy. I've swapped out a few pictures including one to show that physical activity part. My Fitbit Tracker https://www.fitbit.com/user/23LYZL shows my efforts toward that goal. I'm 48, 6'1" and 223 lbs. I'd like that number to start with a one. I probably should change to a "A couple extra pounds". What do you all think?
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 8
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 8:45:49 PM
9Pluto, car picture gone, especially since I sold the car a couple years ago. I replaced it with a Prius, I won't be putting that on the profile. Age restrictions gone, to be truthful I had trouble finding that to remove it. I did build this profile a long time ago but then pretty much let it go inactive. Thank you again for taking a look.
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 9
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 8:56:08 PM
My father and I shared the same name. He spelled his Tom and mine Thom from the time I was little. Funny story is that I was attending a party in Atlanta when Sir Elton John introduced me to Thom Bell, a Jamaican song writer who wrote some of his songs. He introduced me as the another Thom with an H.

Punctuation fixed. I had written the a back when she was nine or ten, then just edited. Fixed now. After reading the feedback on here, I'm dropping the bottom section. Note, the comment about the globe wasn't requiring them to live next door. I got a lot of messages from really far away places when I first came on POF.

Thank you, RedrockJen. I love your first date idea line.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:05:24 PM
BMI = (101.153 kg) / (1.8542 m)^2
Your BMI = 29.43

Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
Overweight = 25–29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

Overweight = A few extras pounds
Despite all its limitations the BMI for people other than body builders is about as good as it gets.

Notice all the computations, theoretical scribblings, and lab equipment that support the conclusion the PoF formula allows you to subtract 5 and then use the above government guidelines for your dating profile, but not for your fitness program. My BMI is 23, so I'm underweight ;-)

Thom, please post in summary posts rather than one at a time. It makes the thread easier on the eyes and is part of the forum rules (not supposed to post more than 2X in a row without input from someone else breaking the monotony.)
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 11
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:16:36 PM
9Pluto, thanks for the advice on consolidated the replies. I believed that it quoted the poster that I was replying to and that is why I had posted the separately. It appears, I also violated a rule by putting my Fitbit's tracker web address. I really should read these things more carefully. Okay, I've adjust to "A Few Extra Pounds".
 GreenThumbz18
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 12
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:20:37 PM
When I read the text I feel like you are trying way too hard to sell your "family man" side - the lawyer comment, the every week thing - that's all un-necessary and over-the-top.
Make it simple - "I have shared custody of my daughter." period. Any verbiage beyond that is in excess, because every single woman is gonna lock onto the beaming child sitting at the wheel with Daddy. You don't need to say a word. The best thing you can do is don't belabor the obvious. I don't understand why you don't see this.
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 13
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:29:39 PM
So you advice is really to delete the second paragraph and just go with "I have shared custody of my daughter."? Also note, the five-year-old violating the driving laws with me isn't my daughter but my daughter's little sister (half-sister) whom I borrow. I only wish I could take credit for that cuteness.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 14
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History
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:31:50 PM
the lawyer comment, the every week thing - that's all un-necessary and over-the-top.


Heed GreenThumbz advice Thom. How many women do you think you are radiating sex-appeal towards by starting the descriptionwith needing a good lawyer to get what you wanted out of your Ex (together with Executive Management = scary)? Wake up and put yourself in the girl's shoes who you are trying to attract. You aren't negotiating a contract with the Teamsters to deliver newspapers, get out of that crazy mode! It will make you infinitely more attractive if you can break free of that tunneled mentality.

And as for the Spanish thread, in the spirit of combining posts, let me take advantage and post it here:
http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=1411360

URLs like this and yours are permitted to the best of my knowledge as long as they are strictly instructional and involve no potential for sales, so in my book you're fine.
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 15
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:37:29 PM
Okay, there is a reason that this group of users are the experts. No doubt you've seen a bunch of these profiles. I edited it out. Negotiating with Teamsters is easy compared to dating.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 16
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:43:50 PM
Use of humor in a dating profile is generally good unless the reader has seen the joke 5,362,914 times before.
Dial it back a few notches from what you have so there isn't a punchline at every turn.

Same thing with the dedication to your daughter. You mentioned you have an 11 y.o. girl, that's great.
You also have pictures of her posted. To have the verbose "package deal, every weekend, she comes first, fancy lawyers, etc., etc." is *WAY* too much!

The single mothers that I dated virtually all came with the preconceived notion that you currently embrace.
Once they grew accustomed to calling me with a suggestion and hearing me say, "Sure, sounds great. I am finishing work now and can see you in an hour." they quickly discarded that old skool notion a single father in always the best choice. Perhaps the flexibility of a childless woman would be the blast of fresh air that you need?
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 17
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 9:50:52 PM
I've edited out those references that you mention. On dating childless women, been there, done that. It could just be the women that I dated but too many times, they have not understood that I'm not going to the bar or dance club with them on Friday or Saturday night.
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 19
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 10:02:23 PM
Fishing, hunting and NASCAR removed. The thought of Jeff Dunham's character, Walter comes to mind. "They are making a left turn. Wait, here comes another... Left turn." If you come in asking for reviews, you have to be ready to work with the experts.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 10:24:56 PM
Hi Thom, this is about the time everyone starts wondering if we were too hard on you and caused you to throw away too much of your original work (which was excellent for something that wasn't bait). I think your best bet at this point is to forget about it for ~ two days, and then come back to it after you've slept on it and can build up something brand new.

The negativity coming out of your profile is a good caution for your candidates; in the end your profile must be comfy to you, no matter what anyone says here. But as material in your profile


My experiences so far with those that don't have children haven't worked out.
I hope you will continue to mull over the advice given to you by GreenThumbz since the beginning. If I put myself in some prospect's shoes, reading your blurb … I am going to hit my head with my palm and say, Oops, LOL ... obviously it hasn't worked out with a single mom, either from the profile. In your head it is frightening baggage you are focused on avoiding. In theirs it is negativity that only an equally gun-shy single mom will feel – I suggest you segment your markets and don’t turn good readership away with a hard luck story to describe who you are. You can project your love of kids by saying how great it could be if she has kids too. (And I'd call her a single 'mom', rather than 'mother', but that's just me).

Time for a fresh start! The Chimp is loveable as are other toned down witty humorous points, but the profile has dwindled and needs some fresh material. Lists aren't great. Try to turn them into Jen’s ride at Disney. The announcer sits you down, buckles you in with a tender click of the seatbelt, pats you on the back – and the ride engages … the announcer then begins telling you a good story. It makes you feel great and when you get off the ride you are beaming all over. Somehow you never heard about their poor maintenance record and other employee complaints, so you can’t wait to come back. That bait will be grade A night crawlers ;-)
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 22
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 10:32:02 PM
RedrockJen, you crack me up. That is the five-year-old that I borrow (and the pic was taken by her mother, who knew why I wanted it). My daughter is seen in the viking picture, again along with the same borrowed child.
-------------------------
Excellent advice 9Pluto. I'll revisit it in a day or two. Love your WDW ride analogy.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 24
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/1/2014 11:19:37 PM

"Excellent advice 9Pluto. I'll revisit it in a day or two."

Thank goodness the restart button is about to be pushed on this rewrite process.
It was beginning to make me cry. Very uplifting to see the potential good news.
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 25
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/2/2014 8:24:30 PM
By the fact that his picture has disappeared, it is my assumption that this user got the BOOT.
 GreenThumbz18
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 27
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/2/2014 10:01:11 PM
Bell - I'm hoping you re-write this profile start to bottom, when you are ready. It took me over a year to make a strong profile on POF, and that was after years of online abuse on other sites, so I was hardly a beginner. My first good profile was so good that it was embarrassing to get so many unsolicited messages of adoration, so I killed it and wrote a weaker one instead. Those readers fell in love with my profile, not me.
I'd like to see: better fitting shirts, ditch the tiepins and fit the small end of the tie into the loop on the back of the big end, it flows better. Remove the cropping from pics that won't be used as mains. Ditch the 3rd-world putdown, lots of fantastic people come from crap-holes. Your daughter is part of the package(like it or not) but I'm not sure about the other girl. Condense your activities to be searchable(and I'm not an expert on those), you don't need wii and treadmill and walking and exercise, do you? "Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way: I suck at sports, I love crappy comedy flicks, and I dance like a drunken chimpanzee." - this is not good stuff. Don't tell us what you don't like, paint us a picture of what you DO like with your words.
There is no rush on this, it's not gonna happen right away. You are in a period of transition and if you try to push your voyage I don't think you''ll like the results. Tweak the profile whenever the mood strikes, or whenever a good idea comes along, even if it's only to change a few words.
One of my favorite books, "To Kill A Mockingbird" took one year to write and two years to edit for publication. You can't rush greatness.
 dichoTommy
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 28
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History
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/3/2014 3:48:28 AM

Bell - I'm hoping you re-write this profile start to bottom, when you are ready. It took me over a year to make a strong profile on POF, and that was after years of online abuse on other sites, so I was hardly a beginner. My first good profile was so good that it was embarrassing to get so many unsolicited messages of adoration, so I killed it and wrote a weaker one instead. Those readers fell in love with my profile, not me.

Catch 22, that, but I know what you mean. Even my current profile still got the "fan club" messages which were from invariably incompatible women.

My argument, however, is this: if your profile truly is you, and they fall in love with that, you've accomplished your mission. They who would love a you-ridden profile should love the actual you, no?
 Bell30655
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 29
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/3/2014 7:53:52 AM
GreenThumbz18, I was pretty impressed by your profile. No doubt that took some editing to get it to that point. Reading several of the more long term people's profiles, I see what you are saying. It is probably time for a rewrite from the ground up with all new pictures.

The little one is definitely part of the package. She spends at least one to two days a week at my home and goes on many of our vacations. I know it is unusual but I really get along with my ex-wife and her husband. I can't really call him new, she's been married to him for six or seven years. Oddly, I'm a pretty open person. It surprises people that I don't hide my identity. I'm not really hard to find. It took me forty plus years to reach a point where I'm happy with my life. So why do I have a profile on POF? Because there may be someone out there that I'm missing. There are times, that I realize there are things two can do better than one. There are times, that my house is too quiet and empty.

I agree the profile needs a rewrite. Not just a rewrite but some different photos. None of the photos are old but I need to have different ones. This will be something that takes time and patience. I may have to find some of that second part. POF ought to have a feature that lists the top hundred most viewed profiles for men and women. Then others, like myself could look at them for comparison.

It's not that I'm not getting responses. I've got several this week alone but I think some, if not all of these may end in the "friend zone" by her, my or mutual choice. Not that I mind additional friends. I appreciate the help that GreenThumbz18, Eric Summit, 9Pluto, dichotomy and RedrockJen have provided thus far. We'll see where this evolves too.
 Mark_It_Up
Joined: 3/15/2011
Msg: 30
Need Some Feedback on the Bait
Posted: 6/3/2014 8:14:43 AM
Username sounds a bit feminine. Maybe because I speak geek and the 3 looks like a backwards E, making it seem like Belle.

No need to put single dad in your headline. Mostly normal makes you sound boring but weird - neither good.
Pics are not great - the ones where you're smiling have bad lighting.

Don't get the bad stuff out of the way first! Why is your movie taste a bad thing, don't you want someone who can share them? I really don't like the "bonus points" phrase, it patronizes those who do get it but it alienates those who don't.

The part about borrowing the 5 year old sounds really, really weird. And the rest of this paragraph is totally unnecessary - having a preference is fine but no need to write about it. Simply don't message (or respond to) women without kids. Do not talk about exes on a profile EVER!!!!!

Third paragraph starts off well but degenerates into mundane. Living life to its fullest to you means carrots, fireplaces and macaroni cheese?

First date is in extremely bad taste. What if your perfect match has a grandparent or Aunt living in Nepal, India or Mexico? Do you think she would reply to your message after reading this?
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