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 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 1
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Long Term DatingPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Disclaimer first, I hid my profile before you had to be a paid member. I am not here to debate my profile and I will not.
Why I am here is because I have been dating a woman over a year. No real issues which is odd for me cause I was starting to think I was the common denominator.
I don't have kids and she has three. Her youngest is twelve. Her kids started school in the district they are in, I live in another. She wants them to finish school in the same place which I am fine with. I was in 7 schools by seventh grade.
I don't intend to move to her district which means for another six years we will not live together assuming we stay together.
It seems like a long time to just date, if for no other reason I have not had success in relationships. I was married for about three years but half the time we were split.
Im curious on others thoughts and or experiences.
I have been at the same job for 17 years and it boggles my mind that its been that long so yes I can commit to things.

Let the annihilation lol
Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/20/2014 9:56:47 PM

It seems like a long time to just date,

then don't think of it as dating. think of it as love, if that's your and her reality. hell, i know happily married people who live in separate houses.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 3
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/20/2014 10:19:53 PM
One important element that I did not hear mentioned was the desires of the woman.
My experience and understanding is that if the woman wants something more then she usually is able to get her desires across. That is, unless he is totally self absorbed and/or oblivious to the obvious.

Well?

TK
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 4
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/20/2014 10:21:55 PM
No more kids are in our future. She does want to be married again, not saying it has to be me just in general. Im not totaly sure on marriage but not against it. I do want to live with the woman I am with
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 5
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/20/2014 10:23:19 PM
She has only expressed I be understanding and patient
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 6
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/20/2014 10:39:29 PM
As I was saying in my first post I dont intend on moving to her district. Its not far but I have property south. When I move it will be in that direction
 kcycrs
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 7
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 4:00:02 AM
There are two points that I seem to be missing. First, how far apart are these districts? I would think that when one speaks of different school districts one is speak of being within the same city or county, or adjacent city or county. I personally would be hesitant to begin dating someone who lives much more than thirty minutes away from me. And, if have been dating someone for over a year and circumstances placed us more than an hour apart, I could see that as a putting an eventual strain on the relationship.

The other point I seem to be missing is why are you so dead set on not moving somewhere within her district? Going back to the first point, would the distance from your job, family, or friends be the reason? Or, is there some other reason? Do you not like that part of town, county, or state? You say you two have been dating for over a year. I can see not moving to be nearer to someone that relatively early in a dating relationship. But do you think you could possibly have a change of heart after three or more years? From the tone of your writing I get the sense that you expect her to move nearer to you ( or live with you) once her youngest has finished high school. Is she on board with that?
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 8
Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 4:50:57 AM
Op, I think the rest of the forum needs the perspective of what distances you are talking about. Is your property down south like just south of town, or are we talking - Alabama or something? Neighboring school districts can be three miles or thirty.

Geez, there are married couples who live several hours from where they work, and one ends up getting an apartment in-town and they basically only see each other on weekends.

This post and some of the replies just reek of selfish tendencies, or fears of commitment or fears of personal change.

If you want the relationship, you make the best of the situation at hand. It shouldn't matter where the hell your head hits the pillow on any given night, because you're trusting enough to be comfortable with that other person, whatever situations may arise. If you keep placing conditions on your love, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Parents naturally don't want to change and disrupt their kids' lives because they are terrified of the possible consequences for doing it. "They" are already a lifetime commitment that won't ever stop, no matter what the living situation. Keeping that part of their lives as smooth as possible is #1 for any parent, so you should already know where you fall on that list.

I dated my Ex long-distance on weekends for almost four years before our jobs and living situations seem to work best for moving in and getting married. We made it almost twelve years after that, so it wasn't a bad choice at all to wait.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 5:36:57 AM
OP, this is is clearly where your question lies:


It seems like a long time to just date, if for no other reason I have not had success in relationships. I was married for about three years but half the time we were split.
Im curious on others thoughts and or experiences.


You are unhappy with how long things are taking, and want something other than what you have with her. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted this very oblique, almost passive-resistant statement.

What I'm guessing that you mean, is that you want more than you have, she isn't promising anything, and you find yourself stuck between wanting to give her up, and wanting to stick around for "one more month," (or other time segment) because she MIGHT just change her mind, or events MIGHT bring change.

What you NEED to do, is to face up to the fact that what you have, is what you have. Not what you WANT to have.

If you continue to be dissatisfied and unhappy with what you have, it will erode the relationship away over time, because you are not living the relationship as it is, you are waiting for it to BECOME what you want. She will sense that, and come to feel unfulfilled, even though you are having fun times together.

This doesn't mean that you should give up, it just means that you need to come back to here and now, and make your life about what you have, and not about what you wish you had.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 10
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 5:48:21 AM
Her reason for not moving; her kids. Good reason we all agree.

Your reason for not moving; your property. Not so good a reason.

You are putting things and convenience over children. How does that sound? How do you look now?

Either you are very selfish and shallow, or, you don't love her very much. Or maybe all three.

How would this feel if it was you putting your own children first, and she was putting a piece of property first? Would you feel loved?

Examine yourself, are you really in love with her? Are you really this selfish and shallow?

Either become a better person, or let her go because you don't really love her.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 11
Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 6:56:03 AM
"Her reason for not moving; her kids. Good reason we all agree.
Your reason for not moving; your property. Not so good a reason.
You are putting things and convenience over children. How does that sound? How do you look now?
Either you are very selfish and shallow, or, you don't love her very much. Or maybe all three."

I dont agree. Her investment is in her children. His investment is in his property. They both made choices about this some time ago. I dont see this as being "selfish and shallow" in the least. Both people originally took different paths in life, ended up with either a family or with investment property. Both are valuable.

What needs to be worked with is BOTH of their priorities. For now, each are in their own corner, for their own reasons. I dont see either reason as being unreasonable. And there are all kinds of arrangements in relationships-long distance, living together, etc. This can go on for years.

The one thing I will say is the OP expressed an interest in living with her. If this is the case, then he may have to forgo that if his property and it's location is more important to him. Ultimately, he has to decide that.

Honestly, I think if his girlfriend wrote the post, and expressed an interest in HIM living her HER, people would be bagging on her for having the three kids as a single mom and expecting a man to sell his property in order to accommodate HER.

People are entirely too quick to label people "shallow, selfish, desperate, clingy, needy" on and on we go with the kneejerk labels. Life is not that simple. We live in an economically perilous world. Actually owning property is a HUGE plus right now. Nothing to be criticized for.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 12
Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 7:21:00 AM
OP
As peoples' lives become increasingly complex, as it becomes not so necessary for a couple to live under the same roof, what you now have is becoming more and more common.

You have been with this lady for nearly a year. maybe this is they type of relationship that works best for you.
Committment is a state of mind. It does not require living under the same roof, being joined at the hip, etc.
I'm sure that many people will tell you about their own experiences with committment being violated even though their partner lived under the same roof and slept in the same bed.


For now, each are in their own corner, for their own reasons. I dont see either reason as being unreasonable. And there are all kinds of arrangements in relationships-long distance, living together, etc. This can go on for years.

Exactly.
Cindy O
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 13
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 7:21:20 AM
Maybe I was too harsh. But I don't see that he would have to give up his property to move. Apparently he isn't living on it right now. So he could move closer to her, or move in with her, while still holding on to his property, as he is now.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 14
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 8:41:44 AM
We actually live close. She wants her kids to finish school where they started thats why she doesn't want to move away. I don't want to move to her district because my house is paid off and to sell it then move to her area for a few years then move again to or near my property I don't see as a good financial decision. I live in Ohio. my property is in Kentucky about 2 and a half hours away.
Some have read to much into my statements there is no hidden meanings just what I said. I am happiest I have ever been with a relationship. I have no issues with us not living together. I would like us to live together at some point. When I don't know.
Getting my property was a dream come true. I have decent amount of land and a cabin. You can say its me being selfish but then is everyone that follows their dreams selfish? I guess that could be a whole topic in itself lol.
We know where each other stands. I believe I actually communicate very well with her. We talked in the possibilities per say. We have not said we want to spend our lives together but we have talked in how things might go if we did as in she could move with me closer to my property after her kids are finished with school. I have explained my dreams of my property and she understands. She has explained her commitment to her kids and I understand.
The six years doesn't bother in the sense that things are not progressing fast enough. I don't want to live with her at the moment. I feel I made poor choices in the past, moving to fast, ignoring elephants in the room and such. I am fine with it moving slower. Getting to know each other and realizing just cause you love someones isn't enough to be together. It takes a lot more. I think I am on a rant now lol. I am happy now. Saying 6 years out loud if you will sounds like a long time but in truth all it is at this point is a number. I have been at the same job 17 years. It sounds like a long time when I say it but its also just a number. I am living in the now but I do think about the future which I believe is what you are supposed to do. Im just thinking about it though, not dreading it not fearing six years just throwing it out there.
Well I probably missed something but I tried to fill in the blanks
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 8:50:37 AM

Im just thinking about it though, not dreading it not fearing six years just throwing it out there.


You are playing coy with yourself, as well as us.

If you are as happy with everything as you claim, you wouldn't have posted. It wouldn't have occurred to you.

You can't expect us to MAKE you figure out what you are concerned about.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 16
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 9:36:47 AM
I thought the forums were here so people could discuss interesting topics. There doesn't seem much new here. Most stuff is the same old same old or someone makes up some thing to get people fuming and flame them. This isn't my first attempt to try and start what I thought was an interesting topic and it turns into finger pointing. I have nothing to prove to anyone here. If you choose to believe I have some issue or issues then so be it.
I did state in the last post she knows I want to move to my property and if we stay together would be willing to move with me after her kids are out of school. My property is in a desired location. I will not sell it. I think I got a deal on it and haven't seen anything else even close to what it is, which is what I wanted.
No one is talking marriage at the current time. No one has thrown down a gauntlet. We have stated our intentions. We have both accepted each others intentions. Its not a piss or get of the pot point. We are both happy.
Her school district is very good and she wants her kids to stay in that district. She made that clear and if I tried to talk her into changing her mind I would be a jerk in my opinion.
Moving around is expensive and I see it as a waste of money. I cannot live with her at least at this time. She currently moved back in with her parents because she saw renting as a waste when her kids goto their dads frequently and when they do she stays at my house.
As I have stated in the past I think some people on here a wound a little tight. Try taking deep breaths and relax a little lol.
I guess I can chalk this up as another failure to start an interesting topic. Maybe I shall try again sometime
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 9:50:00 AM
As driving harmony has said, I too favor long term dating. Long term anything, save animosity, really.

Essentially, what a good marriage or other labeled mating match is, is "very long term dating."

It's all in how you look at and label it.
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 18
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 11:25:57 AM
You may want to read the beginning of my post which states my profile is set to hidden. You have to have a profile to post.
Dunno where the 2 months thing came from or saying we are not in love. Im not sure you read my post at all.
I thought it could be a discussion about long term dating before living together. I don't know all the ins and outs or possibilities. Other peoples success or failures. Why to or not to long term date. I thought it could be people coming up with their own thoughts. As I stated another failed at my attempt to start a interesting discussion. My bad. Not a dig deal
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 12:01:39 PM
Two month thing, I don't get it either and I understand you are not here looking for dates, you can't do anything about people jumping to conclusions.

It's a stand off, neither of you should move if you don't want too but her kids school must be special or they are older children who want to finish school where they started. Most younger kids don't yet know much about their school and being attached. Now leaving friends is hard for any age. We don't have much info on her kids and why she wants them in this school. I wouldn't give up property I was attached to either, in fact your property is probably a bigger attachment than the school is. Apparently she's willing to move after her last child graduates, so giving up your property seems like a lot to ask, since she's only attached to her children's school, not her house or the location.

It's all about opinions on labels but to me long term dating is when there is no end goal like marriage, but you really like being with this person, they are a companion & lover, and this use to be fairly common. Not everyone wants to marry or move in with someone they love. Then there's a long term relationship, where people are taking their time for whatever personal reasons, but do plan to live together or marry as the goal. You seem to be in the latter. I don't see six years as that long, when you are both on the same page and agree with the arrangement and are committed and no one is cheating and neither are building resentments over the arrangement. So I guess that would be my question, are you happy to wait this time or are you resenting the situation which is building against her & her children? Will this be a bigger problem the longer it goes on?
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 20
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Long Term Dating
Posted: 6/21/2014 7:50:04 PM
Im not resenting waiting. I can't say for sure how i will feel down the road but I think I will be ok.

As far as updated my profile I did try to edit that but I guess they added new stuff and unless I update stuff regarding dating it won't let me edit. Im not updating dating stff when Im not here for that and my profile is hidden anyway. I get zero emails so its a non issue to me and my girlfriend knows Im on the forums
 ForumRuler
Joined: 4/2/2013
Msg: 21
Long Term Dating
Posted: 7/3/2014 12:37:37 PM
Dude, just find someone else. Tons of chicks out there.
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