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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?      Home login  
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 kcycrs
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 2
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
For me, It would depend on how well I get along with her family. A few years ago, I was dating a woman who had a family who was a joy to be around. I couldn't get enough of them. There was not one person in her immediate family (including aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews) who I was even annoyed to be around, much less didn't get along with. I wanted to marry her just so I could be a part of her family. But she got a new, demanding job, relocated, and we drifted apart. We're still friends. We still call each other at times and I often ask about her family. Her younger brother and I got along great. I've rarely bonded with males on that level since my high school days.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 3
Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/5/2014 7:12:49 AM

Sounds to me like he has a close-knit family and they really enjoy each others' company. So if I were in that situation, I would at least feel a little flattered that he wanted to integrate me into his tribe.

Still, no.

My thoughts on this exactly. This would be fine if he was OK with me doing something else while he got his family time in, as I need my own time in the week away from the relationship to do my own thing (hobbies, work, friends, downtime, my own family, etc.). If I'm gonna be harassed for not participating every single week - then we're not going to be a match.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 4
Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/5/2014 7:30:12 AM

How would you feel about being invited to spend at least one day of most weekends with your partner’s extended family? You can (and do) say "no," but the invitations (from your dating partner) keep coming.

Obviously if I say no, then I don't want to and we would be incompatible.



How common is it for older people who are dating to spend three or four dates (weekend days/evenings) with family per month? We can assume there is plenty of “real” dating activity on the other weekend evening, so there isn’t a lack of one-on-one time or other interests. The family dates are generally cookouts or dinners with adults and children of all ages (not your own.

I dont know how common it is, but you should at least be a bit flattered.
Wouldn't that be up to the couple?

If you want to know how I personally feel, it would depend on many factors.
First of all, I would love a guy with a lot of family that are close (but not an open door policy or to many expectations ).
How much or if I like the company of his family is a HUGE deal if they are that close.
How much time we get alone he and I both can be happy with and other factors.

If you are not happy with your situation, then either talk to him and compromise so that you both are happy or find someone else.
You are not going to change him regarding his family ties, but may get a bit more "me time" if he really cares that much for you and you talk about it without sounding irrational.

You don't sound happy now, so imagine later when "the new has worn off".

 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 5
Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/5/2014 9:10:53 AM
It would be more than someone who you are "just dating", if you're spending that much time with their family. How much time would you spend with your own family members? The thing I have a problem with someone wanting to spend dates with family members is not only is the person you're dating constantly checking everything you say and do, looking for any possible red flags, but so is every family member. And their opinion of the datee will matter to the dater.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/6/2014 3:42:01 AM
Could it be possible that, if he has a day "free" and is able to go do something, that he feels an obligation to give you a "courtesy" invite?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 8
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/6/2014 4:30:21 AM
I don't think you're that into him, based on the way you talk about him. You're not in love with him after a year, and you're trying to make this into an issue of right and wrong.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the way either of you operate. If he wants to see his family every weekend, there's nothing wrong with that. If you don't want to, there's nothing wrong with that, either. There doesn't have to be a total overlap of activities. Have you told him your actual feelings about this? If my guy wanted to see his folks every weekend, I would sometimes join him and sometimes not. What's the big deal if you see each other several times a week?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 10
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/6/2014 8:34:58 AM
You said there was no lack of one on one time in your opening post, and that's what I based my response on. If you're changing the facts now, it changes the analysis, of course.

You still haven't said to which extent you've discussed this with the man and tried to find a compromise.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 13
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/6/2014 12:29:06 PM
I too am mid 50's and see my bf just on weekends due to work schedules and drive time. Actually it's usually once a week (extended) due to my later work hours during the week. I'm sorta glad that his parents live 6 hrs away so that he doesn't expect me to spend that much time with them. Even if they lived close I don't think he'd expect it of me. That's one thing in our favor, we don't place too many demands on each others time. After you've been single a few years you kinda get used to it.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/6/2014 5:21:04 PM
I would hate it, but then I am a hermit type. Just the idea that it's expected would bug me, I would end up dreading it, week after week after weed, that would drive me crazy. Personally I would stop dating a man whose life is like this because he likes it, it would hurt him, we would not be a fit at all.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 15
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/6/2014 6:36:16 PM
It seems to me that this arrangement doesn't work for you. I gather that you are willing to compromise, see his family on occasion. On the other hand, it sounds like this is his routine and he isn't prepared to change. In fact, I would be questioning the relationship, not because he wants to see his family every weekend, I would be very upset that he isn't listening to my concerns, he's not empathetic and he isn't wanting to seeking some kind of balance between his routine and my needs. A part from this situation, do you find him considerate, supportive and empathic to your concerns?
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 16
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/7/2014 10:59:43 AM
I'm not sure what to think of this, besides the fact that it's not working for you.

The fact that family is important to him should be a very good thing, which encompasses many values that should benefit your relationship. When I lived closer to my family, I couldn't image going a week without seeing them. That large family connection with all of the kids and people coming in and out of the house (you know, that open door/open fridge feeling) is something I miss the most having moved away. When my dad's mother because widowed he stopped everyday after work for a half hour to check on her. Things become routines.

To have it be 'set' that it's "all day" seems a bit much, and I understand that for you, it cuts into your time alone. I still feel that unless he gets upset about you not coming, that it's a 'courtesy' invite .. a way of saying 'this is what I'm doing today if you'd like to join'. There's nothing wrong with saying "I'll see you after" or him telling his family he needs to head home because you are coming over. If it causes tension between you too, or with his family, then of course it's an issue. Some couples want to do everything together, some people don't. My family sees the person I'm with about 1:10 visits. They are fine with it, because it's not stopping me from visiting. People have lives. I see his family 2-3 times a year because it's just his sister who lives close. He doesn't value visiting as much, but talks to his mom or sister on the phone about weekly. I have very little in common with his sister so I've never pushed for more 'hanging out' time (which I do regret now after typing that).

If it weren't for the distance, you could just offer to start hosting at his place once a month. That way, you could invite people outside of the family that you are comfortable and enjoy spending time with as well as set the time limit. You could also offer to meet him there and arrive close to the ending time, then have your time alone.

Another thought: In our family a certain adult seems to match up with a certain child, kinda 'taking under wing" so that everyone has that "favorite aunt/uncle/second parent" to bond with other than there parent. Perhaps if you feel that need from one of the children, you give that child extra time and attention to make the visits more purposeful instead of a boring. Taking some games or arts and crafts do with the kids gives them something to look forward to, and maybe some purpose/obligation for you that makes the visits meaningful.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 17
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Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/7/2014 11:00:08 AM
I'm not sure what to think of this, besides the fact that it's not working for you.

The fact that family is important to him should be a very good thing, which encompasses many values that should benefit your relationship. When I lived closer to my family, I couldn't image going a week without seeing them. That large family connection with all of the kids and people coming in and out of the house (you know, that open door/open fridge feeling) is something I miss the most having moved away. When my dad's mother because widowed he stopped everyday after work for a half hour to check on her. Things become routines.

To have it be 'set' that it's "all day" seems a bit much, and I understand that for you, it cuts into your time alone. I still feel that unless he gets upset about you not coming, that it's a 'courtesy' invite .. a way of saying 'this is what I'm doing today if you'd like to join'. There's nothing wrong with saying "I'll see you after" or him telling his family he needs to head home because you are coming over. If it causes tension between you too, or with his family, then of course it's an issue. Some couples want to do everything together, some people don't. My family sees the person I'm with about 1:10 visits. They are fine with it, because it's not stopping me from visiting. People have lives. I see his family 2-3 times a year because it's just his sister who lives close. He doesn't value visiting as much, but talks to his mom or sister on the phone about weekly. I have very little in common with his sister so I've never pushed for more 'hanging out' time (which I do regret now after typing that).

If it weren't for the distance, you could just offer to start hosting at his place once a month. That way, you could invite people outside of the family that you are comfortable and enjoy spending time with as well as set the time limit. You could also offer to meet him there and arrive close to the ending time, then have your time alone.

Another thought: In our family a certain adult seems to match up with a certain child, kinda 'taking under wing" so that everyone has that "favorite aunt/uncle/second parent" to bond with other than there parent. Perhaps if you feel that need from one of the children, you give that child extra time and attention to make the visits more purposeful instead of a boring. Taking some games or arts and crafts do with the kids gives them something to look forward to, and maybe some purpose/obligation for you that makes the visits meaningful.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 18
Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 7/7/2014 1:18:14 PM
After 50, most of us realize the importance of family to us.
Take it from one who has lost most of their family due to death or they are so old they dont half remember who you are.



I don't think you're that into him, based on the way you talk about him.

^^^^^^^^^^Still don't think you are THAT into him and this thread/reason for it.........blah blah all just sums it up, possibly a wake up for YOU to wake up and just move on.


I'm not sure what to think of this, besides the fact that it's not working for you.

The fact that family is important to him should be a very good thing, which encompasses many values that should benefit your relationship

^^^^^

Whats his number? Is he cute?
I'll make him forget ALL about you..and bring the potato salad and brownies.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 20
Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 9/15/2014 6:03:45 PM


imway2sassy wrote
Having to spend time with some other man's kids and grandkids sounds more like a punishment than a date to me.



Yet it is an unspoken part of dating for me. Vast majority of the women I would date have kids and grandkids. They are also at the point the family get togethers happen at their place. A special occasion (kid/grandkid birthday ) will usually mean the ex/father will be there too.
How hard is it to be social-able for a few hours, not hard for me, obviously it is for you.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 21
Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?
Posted: 9/15/2014 6:13:21 PM


kathleenonpof wrote
I'm still too new in the forums to edit. If I could edit, I would change my last post to say "most weekends" instead of "every weekend." On average, it is every weekend because, although occasionally a weekend is skipped, I'm sometimes asked to spend both weekend days with his family.



Need to be quite clear on these forums. LOL
But given those circumstances I would have bolted long ago, yes he is looking for a replacement for his ex who possibly enjoyed this or was inured to it. You may have gone along with it too long now though.

In my case in the 2 LTR's I have had in the last some years her family gatherings have been voluntary and only lasted a few hours so it was easy enough to enjoy them.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Well over 50 and dating someone from a large family?