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 ace41s
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 1
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?Page 1 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I hear from so many people (women especially) who are disillusioned with relationships or sex - usually they had some awful experience with a boyfriend at some point in their past and have just "given up" on the entire thing.

Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships? I think that people in general do, probably because of the "happily ever after" portrayal of relationships in the media - I don't think that most relationships are so compatible that 2 people will be 'partners for life' just because people change - and this leads to disillusionment or people staying in "miserable relationships" which eventually fall apart.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 2
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 8:18:49 AM
Actually, I think many more people are disillusioned with "online dating". Week in and week out, I see the same exact faces on the "Your weekly matches" email. I've messaged almost everyone of them, yet gotten no response. I think what it comes down to is that so many are on here (and elsewhere) expecting to find an ABSOLUTELY perfect man (or woman), and because a guy has a receding hairline, or he is 5'11" instead of 6'0", or he owns a Camaro, and not a Mustang, or he has one tattoo instead of two, or he makes $60,000.00 instead of $61,000.00, or....... Ad infinitum / ad nauseum........

You get the picture.

So they keep coming back, and ignoring every guy who messages them because he has some miniscule flaw that they all consider a "deal breaker", and become disillusioned after spending 10 years online searching, yet ignoring all the guys. (Same can be said for many guys I'm sure).

I think there is no mystery here.............

This is why I am just here for the forums anymore. I find online dating to be pretty useless and lame otherwise.

"To repeat the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result is the true definition of insanity".

~Albert Einstein.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 3
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 8:41:38 AM


"To repeat the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result is the true definition of insanity".

~Albert Einstein.


One tough piece was finding the right material for the filament--that little wire inside the light bulb. He filled more than 40,000 pages with notes before he finally had a bulb that withstood a 40 hour test in his laboratory. (10) In 1879, after testing more that 1600 materials for the right filament, including coconut fiber, fishing line, and even hairs from a friend's beard, Edison and his workers finally figured out what to use for the filament--carbonized bamboo.

Thomas Edison.

http://invention.smithsonian.org/centerpieces/edison/000_story_02.asp

So was Edison insane or just lucky?

The idea is to keep trying different things until you stumble onto the right path.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 8:52:53 AM
I agree that society really does put a lot of emphasis on the Disney movie happily-ever-after way of thinking and instead of enjoying it as entertainment they expect it in real life. This sets people up for a lot of disappointment...

People think that marriage, having a child, and a variety of other things outside looking at their own issues will make or save a relationship. Bottom line is most of what you need to learn about how things will turn out is right in front of you if you're looking objectively.

This doesn't mean we should hang around when we're not interested in someone, but it does mean we have to prepare to make some effort when we do find someone that we want to hang around with.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 5
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:00:55 AM

Actually, I think many more people are disillusioned with "online dating". Week in and week out, I see the same exact faces on the "Your weekly matches" email. I've messaged almost everyone of them, yet gotten no response. I think what it comes down to is that so many are on here (and elsewhere) expecting to find an ABSOLUTELY perfect man (or woman), and because a guy has a receding hairline, or he is 5'11" instead of 6'0", or he owns a Camaro, and not a Mustang, or he has one tattoo instead of two, or he makes $60,000.00 instead of $61,000.00, or....... Ad infinitum / ad nauseum........

You get the picture.

So they keep coming back, and ignoring every guy who messages them because he has some miniscule flaw that they all consider a "deal breaker", and become disillusioned after spending 10 years online searching, yet ignoring all the guys. (Same can be said for many guys I'm sure).


We're a weird mix here. No matter how much we want to deny this, we're not the typical people dating. While everything you pointed out does tend to be true on here, offline, you don't see it as much. To give some examples to back up that what you said is typically the internet: My friend lives at home, and his girlfriend moved in. They both help pay the bills and help with all the house work, but she didn't take living home as a deal breaker, she even lived home herself. I have another friend, happily married to a girl that they moved his mother in. He's the scrawny geeky kid, she's 3 times his size... 2 people that the shape of their body didn't matter to each other. These are 2 guys who live with their mom who aren't considered undatable.

Or I have a friend in a wheelchair, who because of nerve damage isn't always able to "be man enough", yet he still has amazing girl after girl, was even engaged to a 10 before he blew it a few times with other girls most guys would kill for a night with.

Or the friend that has potential to be a model, dating a guy that looks like a troll, because she met him at work and he's a really great guy...

Did I mention that not a single one of them met online?

What you see on here is NOT representative of the offline world. We're the social rejects, the people too afraid of rejection to make the attempt, the people so shallow that nobody is good enough, the people who don't know how to politely interact with other people, etc. While the amount of people on these sites have grown, it's still not the norm, at least not in your more populated areas. When I go out with friends to go to a bar, I still see tons of people meeting there, young and old. I still see guys hitting on girls on the boardwalk. From what I've seen, and I've traveled the entire country, offline is still the way most people meet. Online, most of us tend to either be here for years, or give up.
 ace41s
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 6
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:16:07 AM
-rockin trucker

You're assuming that all of us "exclusively date online", or that we do it "because we're afraid to date in real life" - I don't, the majority of the girls I meet are in person, and I don't think the majority of these site users use it because their afraid to meet people in real life either.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 7
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:23:04 AM

I agree that society really does put a lot of emphasis on the Disney movie happily-ever-after way of thinking...


Do you think Disney will ever come out with movies about people from minority groups or gay people who do the standard theme of meeting, falling in love and live happily-ever-after, or will Disney perpetuate the theory that it's only white people who look like models that can have that dream life? Don't hold your breath waiting for change.

I saw a documentary a while ago about Walt Disney, and it portrayed him as a very racist guy. He never hired anyone from a minority group, until he was forced or pressured to after the civil rights movement. Up until then, every employee was Barbie doll or Ken doll type.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 8
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:27:00 AM
Personally, I know one of the biggest reasons I don't do so well with the dating thingy.

Basically, I don't enjoy the company of most people.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 9
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:34:46 AM

You're assuming that all of us "exclusively date online", or that we do it "because we're afraid to date in real life" - I don't, the majority of the girls I meet are in person, and I don't think the majority of these site users use it because their afraid to meet people in real life either.


No, I'm assuming that there's a reason that we chose to come here, while other people find tons of success never touching a dating site. If you can just walk into a bar and have girls throwing themselves at you, what are you going to do, come to POF, or go to that bar?

We all have a reason that online dating appealed to us, and I doubt that reason was having too much success offline.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 10
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:45:56 AM
Not even sure what question the OP is asking. Is the OP asking whether being hurt by a past relationship should be ‘proof’ that it’s unrealistic to look for/believe in/want the ideal of a life long relationship?

If this is the question, then I’ll have to disagree because I was able to witness a life long loving relationship with my grandparents – married 52 years when grandma died but they’d been childhood sweethearts, they grew up, literally next door to each other from the age of 5 when my grandmother’s family moved to the US.


Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships? I think that people in general do, probably because of the "happily ever after" portrayal of relationships in the media

This was a relationship I witnessed in my own family, not the movies. So it would be ridiculous for me to agree with OP’s premise – that it is unrealistic to think that sort of relationship is even possible.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 11
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:46:31 AM
I agree that rockin-trucker's assessment doesn't apply to most online daters but it is a fairly good one for the non-representative sample seen here in this forum. Even then, I wouldn't feel very comfortable going with "most" but there is some truth to his words.

I could include myself in much of that although fear isn't my issue, I simply don't get out of the house as much as I would like. That, in itself, makes me a de facto "loser"...lol However you choose to look at it, he may have been overly harsh but he wasn't that far off the mark.

As for pair bonding for life, I agree that this doesn't work for all people, all of the time. In ancient Celtic cultures (and amongst many Pagans today), a hand-fasting ceremony was a marriage that lasted for a year and a day. When the terms of the union are up, the couple can choose to renew them or not, according to their desires, etc. This seems more natural to me, particularly when compared to being watched by an angry sky-god who will cast me into a lake of fire because I made poor choices in love. Forever is about control, not love.

Of course, humans can mate like swans and live happily ever after but that seems to be more of an exception than a rule.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 12
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 9:58:16 AM
Since I’m not sure even what question OP is trying to ask, or point he’s trying to make, I’ll approach from another direction. Sounds like the same tired old rant dressed up as a question - 'people' should settle for a relationship that isn't what they want

Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships?

When I find that monolithic people I'll let you know what they say.

In the meantime I'll speak for myself. For purposes of this post I'll assume OP's question about "relationships" refers to long term, committed, partnerships.

Not disillusioned about sex at all. Would really like to have sex with a man again some day before I pass. But I've reached a point where recreational sex holds no interest. So I'll have to form some level of interest in the man before the sex is going to happen.

My particular level of interest to 'pass go' is based on how attracted I am to him, in and of himself, but also his attraction to me. No matter how attracted I am to a man initially - he's what I consider physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually attractive - if he's not equally attracted to me then that something in my brain doesn't trigger that lets me want the next step with him. In other (grossly simplified) words - I don't want a "relationship" with someone who I think is not equally invested.

In essence, "interest" is like a recessive gene that you need 2 of to be able to form a "relationship" So, if this were the simplistic genetics formula we learn in middle school biology class it would go like this:
- Girl not interested & Boy not interested = no long term relationship, no sex
- Girl not interested & Boy interested = no long term relationship, no sex
- Girl interested & Boy not interested = no long term relationship, no sex
- Girl interested & Boy interested = long term relationship including sex

Am I disillusioned with relationships? No
Do I have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships? Wrong question. What does "realistic" even mean in this instance? Is it asking whether there's even anyone 'out there' who trips all my triggers and if not I should 'settle'? I know there are men 'out there' who meet the "girl interested" side of the equation. Got really really close to "boy interested" too. Hurt a lot when it fell apart but it didn't make me forever "disillusioned" with relationships, it made me feel disillusioned for a time as I went through the stages of grief to become ready to look again.

We see all stages of grief played out in the forums – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I think I’ve finally reached acceptance. Maybe OP is meeting people who are stuck in the depression (“why bother, it’s going to fail anyway”) stage. For my part, if I ever get into another “girl interested & boy interested” situation again, I am willing to go with it.
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 13
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 10:18:13 AM
It would seem that those who have a full inbox regardless of it's content.Are the ones that are most likely to
to disagree with those that have bad luck.Since they don't know what these people are doing that brings them bad luck.
saying or insinuating that they are socially inept isn't really called for.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 10:34:36 AM
Something that no one seems to have mentioned yet (if I missed it pardon):

Timing.

As in, almost everyone (except the few, the proud, the insanely attractive and rich), sooner or later, will vent in despair about the pain they've suffered. And it's pretty common to express that pain by declaring that they are thoroughly disillusioned, and will never believe in the Easter Bunny of Love again.

Most of the time, we really don't MEAN what we say during such periods. In my experience, most of the people who are shouting about how depressed they are, are actually still trying hard, they are just covering their embarrassment and fear of proving themselves defective, by venting sarcastically.

Come by six months later, especially if something good has happened, and they'll be cheerful and upbeat as though they never said what they did before. In short, while there ARE some concerted negative nannies all around, there are a lot fewer ACTUAL negative nubs than you think.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 15
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 11:30:39 AM
I think part of it is that some people like to treat every one they meet who sticks around from more than one meeting, is some how a relationship that they try to make into a fairytale romance. Mostly they are unhappy because the other person simply won't be what they want them to be. Instead of meeting someone and deciding if you actually like them, getting to know them and knowing when to walk away when it doesn't work, they whine, complain, blame, and play a victim, when in fact, it was simply not a match.

Lots of people love drama, like to play victim, and for the most part, couldn't have a stable relationship if they had a clue book in their hand. Many people never look at themselves, or play victim by beating themselves up. If you really want a good relationship, you have to do the work, and the work includes getting yourself in the right place. Being jaded and wounded and the victim works for a lot people, since what they really want is attention as a victim, they aren't looking for a good, decent person to be with.

Some people don't want to be a victim but have gotten stuck in the role because they do not have the tools to get out. One bad relationship sends them into a spiral and they forever blame the other person, see themselves as innocent or the other side, as unworthy, and end up being a professional victim, blaming the other gender, just like those who love the victim role. They can't get out because they wallow instead of moving on. Loving drama or wallowing in drama ends up in the same place, the inability to seek and attract good, sane people for a relationship. You do not attract good, sane, decent people unless you are one.

You know, it's almost never that the person is looking for someone too perfect, that they are too picky, that they can't see you because they are blinded by prince or princesses charming, it's because they simply are not attracted to you in particular. This is the case whether the person is a drama mess or someone healthy and stable. People aren't over reaching because they bypassed you, they bypassed you because you did not interest them. Using the same old line of them being too picky is just a defense mechanism on your part to cover a bruised ego. But if you should really run into someone who is very picky, so what, they don't want you for whatever reason, they aren't required to want you and their picky-ness is really nobody's business but their own. You have not missed out on someone who doesn't want you, nor have they missed out on you if they don't want you. Nobody's loss, just not a match.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 16
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 12:04:31 PM
the best part about Thomas Alvin Edison was, he didn't see his multiple attempts as failures. He realized in order to create something new, he had to define what it wasn't. Sometimes you solve a problem by ruling out everything else, and sometimes you define an object or a situation only by defining what it isn't.

some people get into invention hoping for success, and soon quit when all they get is failure. In a way, that's the disillusion with relationships--people are thinking, hoping, praying that a relationship will create something they aren't already bringing to the equation. I remember a young coworker coming back from honeymoon, and a divorced older coworker asking, "feel any different?" and the younger one answered honestly, "nope."

and adding kids into the equation really makes it bad. some people want the kid before they love the partner, and dating is just a job application, tho no one really recognizes it as such. then they wonder why they feel no love and "grow apart" and divorce.

I remember back at university, some ladies who thought they would "find themselves" by first "finding themselves sexually". What they found was further alienation from themselves, as they got used. Sex, for the sake of getting off, is...just that. It isn't an indicator of love, its what goes on when you aren't giving out, that determines love or no love.

in order to know if someone loves you, you have to know you well enough, so you can figure out just what it is someone should love.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 17
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 12:20:25 PM

Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?


Short answer:

Because the "just add water and stir" instructions on all the boxes in their kitchen cabinets don't work with relationships.


Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships?


Many people do, but of course not everyone.
After all, why is it that some people are married and divorced 3 or 4 times, and some people celebrate 50, 60, 70 years together? Plain old luck? Or something else?
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 18
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 2:25:58 PM
Well, OP, I have never been disillusioned with relationships, but I have yet to understand how a relationship benefits me. Being a realist, I have never believed people are meant to be together forever. Especially people who have been together since teens. As you stated, people change every few years, and if you both arent on same page, why stay together.

I also don't get why someone would want the "happily ever after". I would think that would make a boring relationship if everything fell into place and you didnt have to work for it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 3:04:15 PM
Why are there animals out in the wild in the animal kingdom that mate for life, without using pop psychology and psycho-analysis of a partner's every move and breath, constantly looking for hidden meanings and red flags? Maybe psychologists should study those animals to see what they're doing right and try to apply it to human behavior.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 20
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 3:12:06 PM
Ace,

I, too, am not really sure what you were hoping to get at; other than, perhaps, a good grousing about your lot in life.

Do people have unrealistic expectations re: relationships? Quite possibly, esp. if they only view the relationship from one perspective - their own. For most of us there are TWO people involved in a relationship which requires some give and take to make things work. Sometimes that give and take may not be so gentle. If you are unwilling to make the effort to see the value of the other person in "your" relationship, yes, you are bound to fail. And by recognizing the value of the other player in the relationship you are getting to the point at which you can make changes that acknowledge the value of the other player.

I further don't understand being disillusioned with sex. Never having been an advocate of uncommitted recreational sex, I, too, look forward to the day in which I can enjoy that closeness again. Paraphrasing Ms. Cynthia, there is no greater aphrodisiac in my world than that of a woman who is genuinely interested in me as person, and I in her; being able to lay bare who I am and feeing safe in that exposure. That does not come during one night stands nor by the infamous third date.

TK
[looking for my spanish fly]
 ace41s
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 21
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 3:55:28 PM
I average about 4 girls a year going to the bars a few times a week - not sure how that ranks on the "success scale" (and I don't care) but I meet more girls at bars than I do online.

1 issue though is that most girls at bars that I meet I have a hard time getting things to continue from the initial encounter, and I'm under the impression that it's harder to find more serious relationships at bars since they assume the guy is just there to get lucky - and as mentioned in another thread I haven't had a lot of social outlets other than bars to meet women in this town as of right now.

So no, POF is something I bother with once every few months or so - and the idea that most people use POF "because they're too scared/lazy to try to meet girls in real life" is totally false
 ace41s
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 22
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 4:09:42 PM

Rockin Trucker

The quote function is broken - but above post was to Rockin Trucker
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 23
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 4:14:03 PM
I am feeling disillusioned. But I am NOT too afraid to make the attempt. I write to men, I suggest meeting. I'm getting nowhere. Either it turns out to be a red flag parade, or an alien abduction. I've been dating for 1 year and 9 months. In that time, I've met 2 men IRL. No one has introduced me to anyone, even though I have started asking people to do so (thinking the old fashioned fix up might work better). So too afraid does not apply to me. The men I correspond with might be afraid. I have few deal breakers, and I can be polite.


We're the social rejects, the people too afraid of rejection to make the attempt, the people so shallow that nobody is good enough, the people who don't know how to politely interact with other people, etc.


The only reason I'm not depressed about it today is I had a meet this afternoon from another site that went well supposedly. Other men have said they wanted to see me again, only to be abducted before they could make the second date. I better call and warn him to look out for the little green men.

I'm here because despite joining a book club, a meetup hiking group, 2 meetup computer groups, an astronomy club, a grief support group, volunteering at 2 different locations, going to public events, and looking at men, smiling at men, and talking to men every day, no one IRL has hit on me for about 9 months. Sometimes I have to resort to talking to men way too young for me, but I consider it good practice. I don't think I'm repulsive, I do think my age has something to do with it.

I do think people have unrealistic expectations. For example the recent thread about instant attraction; most people in that thread chimed in "yes, it has to be instant or forget it"! I heartily disagree. The instant attraction often burns out quickly. I have a friend who went on a blind date about 60 years ago, she was disappointed when she saw him. She went on a second date thinking "why not, free movie". But he started impressing her on that date. After the third date she told her parents she was going to marry him. They did get married, had a long loving relationship, 6 children, and were married till he died. Oh, and after she fell in love, she thought he was beautiful.

People are making snap decisions without making a reasonable attempt to get to know someone.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 24
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 4:19:05 PM
If you want something more serious from a girl at a bar, don't f*ck her. If you want something besides sex, you need to offer that something else FIRST. Jumping straight to the physical stuff, then expecting more later on is the wrong approach. If you don't want to seem like a guy who is just there to get lucky, then prove it. Don't get lucky that night.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 25
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Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/27/2014 6:30:44 PM
[Actually, I think many more people are disillusioned with "online dating". Week in and week out, I see the same exact faces on the "Your weekly matches" email. I've messaged almost everyone of them, yet gotten no response. I think what it comes down to is that so many are on here (and elsewhere) expecting to find an ABSOLUTELY perfect man (or woman), and because a guy has a receding hairline, or he is 5'11" instead of 6'0", or he owns a Camaro, and not a Mustang, or he has one tattoo instead of two, or he makes $60,000.00 instead of $61,000.00, or....... Ad infinitum / ad nauseum........

You get the picture.

So they keep coming back, and ignoring every guy who messages them because he has some miniscule flaw that they all consider a "deal breaker", and become disillusioned after spending 10 years online searching, yet ignoring all the guys. (Same can be said for many guys I'm sure).]

Aaaaaaaaaaaand when we reach the age and maturity level where we no longer do these things, they want someone younger. lol
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