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 ArticLife
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 1
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Finding a relationship as an asexualPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am mostly asexual. I say mostly because I still have some sexual urges, though much more infrequently than normal. When I do, however, I find sex rather disgusting. No, I'm not religious. I don't think sex is wrong, bad, I'm not psychologically damaged. I just think it's rather gross.

I've come to terms that finding a girl around my age who wants no sex, or very infrequent sex... is very difficult. Is anyone else in the same position? Asexuality is apparently only prevalent in about 1% of the population, which significantly increases the challenge in finding someone, period. Let alone someone who is truly compatible with me.

Any success stories? Also, what is the best way to broach this subject with a girl? Should I declare it in my profile? Early on before meeting her? It's a bit awkward no matter when I think of doing it.
 rftv1020
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 2
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/5/2014 3:26:26 PM
I would definitely disclose that you are looking for a non-sexual platonic relationship. Maybe state that you are celibate for personal reasons. Also find a support group or counseling. Find the underlying reason you find sex disgusting. Intimacy is something most people want and desire. Also most women your age at some point will probably want to have children. Good luck
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 3
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/6/2014 1:26:35 AM
Do a forum thread search on the word "asexual". There are quite a few existing threads that might be helpful.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 4
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/10/2014 7:31:33 AM
I don't quite understand asexuality. Please enlighten me. I thought asexuality meant total lack of interest in sex. It just seems that you have a very low sex drive. Wouldn't that just make you hetero w/ very litte interest in sex?
Personally, sometimes I wish I was asexual because of my complete lack of success with women in the past. It sucks having a normal sex drive but unable to do anything about it. If I was uninterested in sex, I would probably be alittle happier with my situation.
 fuglygirl
Joined: 8/28/2014
Msg: 5
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/10/2014 8:11:41 AM
if you are completely "asexual" why do you need a "relationship" with a girl?

it would seem if sex is in no way a factor you will just have friends..they could be male, female or..?

maybe I just don't understand..what is the difference between a non-sexual/asexual relationship with a 'girlfriend' , and an ordinary 'female friend'? sexual relations to me is usually the defining factor..?
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 6
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/10/2014 10:30:25 AM
Fuglygirl(damn that sounds wrong, hope there is a story behind the name), I think there are 2 parts of love, physical and emotional. It might be possible to want one part and not the other half of love. I never seen it happen though. I think he is instinctually wanting a physical relationship too, but his mind might be fighting against it.
 ArticLife
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 7
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/12/2014 2:40:41 PM
Asexuality has grades. I'm what they call gray asexual. Minor sexual urges with a disgust for the act.

You can certainly pursue romantic relationships without sex. I love the idea of having a deep connection with someone that I would care for as more than just a friend.
 rftv1020
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 8
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/12/2014 3:36:32 PM
Artic just for shits and giggles I searched Dating sites for A Sexual's. Believe it or not there were a couple and other sites for people to connect that were unable to have physical sexual relationship. Might want to check them out, Meet other like minded people.
 tallshyman
Joined: 1/1/2008
Msg: 9
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/13/2014 9:10:59 AM
do you find it disgusting when you get a erection?
 ArticLife
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 10
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/14/2014 12:07:24 PM
An erection isn't particularly disgusting, no. It's more the fluids that are involved in sex or the thought of oral sex/kissing.
 fuglygirl
Joined: 8/28/2014
Msg: 11
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/15/2014 1:59:43 PM

Asexuality has grades.


if it has 'grades' it would appear that you are no a TRUE 'asexual'?

either you are or you aren't

you cannot be a little bit pregnant, you either are, or are not

"A"-sexual implies no interest at all in sex..?

you mean you really would not want to taste.or .feel ..what makes me a woman?
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 12
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/15/2014 2:10:50 PM
you mean you really would not want to taste.or .feel ..what makes me a woman?


Don't go there. For us, the rest that are S instead of A, S-sexual, there's nothing more fun than tease the imagination of a woman until the produces copious quantities of that, that makes you a woman. Yumm.
 ArticLife
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 13
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/15/2014 4:44:46 PM
Thanks for those sites. I actually did try one of them in the past, but their population (at least for my area) was very low. It's not surprising. I guess that's why I'm keeping a profile here, at least there are enough people to talk to a few.

You're absolutely right though. It's an internal contradiction that I've dealt with for a while. It makes little sense does it, but it is how it is. I don't have anything physically wrong with me according to my doctor. I doubt it could be psychological, as nothing traumatizing or odd has happened in my life. It's been straightforward.

Well, whatever you want to call me, it doesn't really matter. I am a man who is attracted to females, but only sexually mindful maybe once a week, and I am disgusted at the act of sex.

Feeling your womanhood isn't really a problem, lol. But tasting? No. Beyond anything, oral sex is what disgusts me most.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 14
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/15/2014 5:22:17 PM
"you mean you really would not want to taste.or .feel ..what makes me a woman?"-fuglygirl

...I am kinda turned on right now...
 fuglygirl
Joined: 8/28/2014
Msg: 15
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/16/2014 10:14:54 AM

I am a man who is attracted to females, but only sexually mindful maybe once a week, and I am disgusted at the act of sex.


just to clear things up, you mean that you are disgusted at the act of sex with someone else?

you accept some self-loving..masturbation? about once a week?

believe it or not many people of both genders love my taste ;)
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 16
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:32:20 AM
http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuality-misconceptions-and-mistakes/

Interesting.

So I take it you are a virgin then?

If so,are you disgusted by body fluids
And how so if you've never encountered them?

Averse in my book means you've tried it but
Don't like it.

Asexual to me says you don't have the urge at
All therefore haven't had sex and can't be
Disgusted by something you have never tried
Or done.

Come and **** are acquired tastes for most people
At first. But if you have any sort of OCD based fear
About disease I can imagine how you could
Avoid sex at all costs! Excessive Fear of disease
And lack of opportunity to overcome it would most
Certainly lead to "asexuality".

As for finding a date, POF (fish)isn't the place
As it states in the title!­čśĆ

Google "disgusted by fish" websites­čś«

And see what pops up!
 buckmaker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 17
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 10/1/2014 3:31:05 PM
By all means advertise it in your profile.
There maybe some gal out there who is just right for you.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 18
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 10/1/2014 9:16:09 PM

whatever you want to call me, it doesn't really matter. I am a man who is attracted to females, but only sexually mindful maybe once a week, and I am disgusted at the act of sex.


It sounds to me that you may have low testosterone levels
Men with low T, are still attracted to women but have little if any desire for sex
Looking at your Pix, I see a youngish 24 year old with no wisker shadow on your face (unlike the guy behind you)
Lack of fully developed secondary sexual characteristics are a tip off for a hormonal problem.
Are there any other male members of the family with this problem?

Have you ever gotten checked out medically? (check T levels and prolactin levels, as well as the thyroid)
If not then I'd suggest you schedule a check up as soon as you can.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 19
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 10/1/2014 9:55:05 PM

By all means advertise it in your profile.
There maybe some gal out there who is just right for you.


Gads, First thought as I read the OPs posts was he should meet son's mom. He's the male version of what I spent nearly 30 years with.
Frankly, I can't get in your head - why don't you just advertise for a female roommate? You could have all the relationship you want without all the icky fluids! Although I think you're missing out on a lot of fun: I think all those icky fluids were kind of enjoyable - something son's mom could not get HER head around.

TK
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 20
Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 10/2/2014 12:45:18 PM
Definitely bring it up early. It doesn't necessarily need to be the first word out of your mouth (it's presumptuous to turn down sex before it was even offered), but the sooner the better. Physical intimacy (whether it's the first date or on the wedding night) is a big part of romantic relationships for many people, so it's important that she knows it's not on the menu.

Would you be okay with an open/polyamorous relationship? That might open your dating options a bit, beyond the few asexuals who are online in your area. Open relationships can come in many varieties (from a steady third person involved with both of you to a cascade of random partners you know nothing about); one of these varieties might be the right one for you.

Would you be willing to have children later on in life (that you adopt or do IVF)? If yes, this might again open your dating options a bit more. Some think no sex means no children, but if you're one day interested in being a father, saying so might alleviate some concerns.

Would you be okay with other acts of physical intimacy (like using dental dams, fingers/toys on her, phone sex, mutual masturbation, erotic massage, etc)? Sex is more than just a penis in a vagina; there is a LOT of stuff you can do that falls into the sex category. If you're okay with some sexual acts, then try focusing on what you WOULD enjoy instead of all the stuff that you wouldn't.

And does your doctor know about your asexuality? Testosterone and other hormone levels are not always part of regular check ups. A doctor may not think to check if the patient hasn't said anything (not their fault, doctors tend to look more for things that will end your life prematurely rather than things that make your dating life sucky).
 sapphicsso
Joined: 7/24/2017
Msg: 21
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 7/27/2017 12:24:25 PM
I like the advice on here so far. Being bisexual and asexual can be difficult as well :( ppl automatically think asexual means = no sex whatsoever, this person is very very religious or dull.

Which i am not. I still have certain desires, i still want intimacy but i'am just not into casual sex or spontaneous sex
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 22
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 7/28/2017 12:21:26 AM
Are you saying being bisexual AND asexual is possible? How does that even work?

I just don't understand it. Doing dirty things in dirty ways to the person you love is what makes relationships fun. All those lovely fluids being shared is just a material form of romantic intimacy.
 sapphicsso
Joined: 7/24/2017
Msg: 23
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 7/28/2017 12:35:05 PM
i like sex, i'm not celibate but i just don't find casual sex enjoyable... and i like to be flexible in the bedroom not just what people think sex should be like all the time x

I also love dirty talking a lot and i need a good conversation with my partner to get me in the mood

the fact that you don't think its possible is exactly my point :'O
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 24
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 7/30/2017 2:05:19 PM

I am mostly asexual. I say mostly because I still have some sexual urges, though much more infrequently than normal. When I do, however, I find sex rather disgusting.

Yeah, you're not flat-out asexual, but for all practical purposes you pretty much are, due to your deep hardened mindset that it's gross. Yikes, that's unfortunate. Thing is, I've had my periods of time not... liking it so much. I think our mentality that we can't control (directly or indirectly at all close to home) plays a much bigger role in things that we give credit for. I've gone from being "ehh" about sex to a horn dog after a sexual experience (sex or no sex actually had) with a gal that hit a certain wavelength with me. Obviously I'm not nearly on the level as you OP, nor trying to say that I am -- just that a mental thing can be more than "just a mental thing" and can throw around a lot of weight at the core.

If you are, practically speaking pretty much asexual, and just looking for platonic situations -- why search for girls 18-30, you being 27? Sure doesn't sound asexual to me. :)

i like sex, i'm not celibate but i just don't find casual sex enjoyable...

Yeah, I wouldn't count that in the ballpark range of asexual though. I could see someone who IS in the ballpark of asexual, being bisexual within such low-level minute sexual feelings. But there's a difference between having a distaste for casual sex (like any guy who sees a naked 400lb 65 year old woman who hasn't bathed in months; mood killer x 10!) -- and being asexual.

Thing is, asexual doesn't mean not having sex, or not enjoying certain common sexual acts or sexual situations. You love talking dirty -- in a sexual way -- to mutually get in the mood... you're far from asexual. All it is, is about how you feel. If you can get frisky-minded, you're sexual. :)

If I stared at handsome guys and thought sexual thoughts, but, say, I didn't partake and thought it'd be Gross -- yet am sexually Drawn to dudes -- I would still be homo/bi-sexual. It's just about the sexual draw. If something mentally/emotionally "c0ck-blocks" me from taking action by pouring cold water on sexual thoughts if/when it'd get to a certain point, that doesn't mean I'm void of sexual feelings (asexual). It just means I'd be asexual in that Practice, is all.
 Cowgirlwannabe1
Joined: 5/4/2017
Msg: 25
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Finding a relationship as an asexual
Posted: 7/31/2017 5:55:19 AM
sounds to me like you may have an adversity to anything to do with your mouth
I would make an appt with a doctor to rule out anything physical
then make an appt with a therapist
to work on why you feel the way you do
then and only then think about what it is you are hoping to find in a romantic relationship
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