Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 lioil1
Joined: 7/19/2014
Msg: 1
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Today i went out with a girl whom i talked to online for a while but due to work location we couldnt meet till now. While we were chatting about what we like in finding the right one she said she like guys who are more proactive saying she isnt very proactive at all. She also says how girls usually like "bad boys" because of their aggressiveness. I am gonna go see her tomorrow to watch nfl game so should i be more proactive tomorrow and if yes what should i try doing?
 salty_blumist
Joined: 11/26/2012
Msg: 2
view profile
History
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/6/2014 8:20:56 PM
I wouldn't go on a date with her after hearing that. She sounds like a lazy free loader type who will always expect men to do everything for her. If your up for being with women who are like that, and don't want too be with a man who just want's to be himself, then good luck!
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 3
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/6/2014 8:26:50 PM
You should try finding a girl who likes the level of proactiveness that you already possess.

It's really draining trying to be something you aren't for any prolonged length of time.

It's also deceptive. Why make her think you are Mr Proactive if you aren't?

Picture this relationship in 6 months time:

You: What should we do this weekend babe?
Her: I don't care. You choose.
You: But I always choose - I'd like you pick something this time
Her: Babe, I told you when we met that I'm not proactive. That's your job.
You: Rolls eyes behind her back. Texts mate to express frustration about how she never plans anything.

I don't know, maybe I'm just biased against women who expect the men to do all the work. Wait for a few less cynical responses perhaps?
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 4
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/6/2014 9:19:18 PM
Walk away dude.

What a flake.

The fact she likes bad boys is bad enough. Telling you that??

She wants a free ride.

Or...

Tell her you like girls that are bad girls, who will go to your place on a first date.
 lioil1
Joined: 7/19/2014
Msg: 5
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 12:53:19 AM
I see.... but dont guys usually pace themselves in a relationship depending on the girl though? I understand i don't want to end up being in a long relationship where i have to lead all the time but isn't she telling me she prefer proactive meaning it is OK to make a move? I mean i had dated a girl previously who pretty much ignored ot shot down all my moves which i suppose would be the opposite in that she doesnt want me to be more proactive.

Is it really that simple in that if a girl doesnt match a guy's pace it is no good? So when we meet tomorrow should i try to do anything? Maybe try for kiss?

Also a slight background info. She is 28 and hasnt really dated much at all her whole life as she just finished her phd. She is looking for long term relationship into marriage as well. I am the same too and we did chat online and phone for a few months before meeting due to location. She is moving to tje west for her new job soon while i am gonna be on the east coast. I am actually thinking of continuing the relationship if it is good once she moves west since my sister who is happily married was also in a long distance relationship with her husband who was her then bf for 1-2 years before being in the same spot and settling down. This by no means mean either of us is "settling" for someone to marry but we do acknowledge we are not just playing around...
 FixerFish
Joined: 8/25/2014
Msg: 6
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 1:40:49 AM
This whole thing sounds like a disaster. Do you really want to start a long distance relationship based on a limited exposure to each other?

You cant go into dating with the intention of marriage. You go into dating with the intention to bond with the other person. If things work out then they continue on down the line. The key to happiness is low expectations. And a long distance relationship has a high probability of failure.

Is it worth the risk? no.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 7
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 6:37:30 AM
You're going to her place to watch an NFL game?

When the two of you are on the couch, tell her to get up and go to the fridge to get you a beer. As she gets up, pat her on the butt. Later on, tell her to make you a sandwich.


Actually I agree with the above posters. She sounds dysfunctional. The most proactive thing you can do is cancel the date and never see her again.

I dislike the word "proactive".
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 8
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 8:01:46 AM
Don't over-think this. I would not worry so much about what she says, but rather what she does... talk is cheap but actions scream... you have a date, many guys don't get that far, good for you. If you are getting dates and kissing (actions), you are proactive enough.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 9
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 8:19:50 AM
If she isn't participating in the process of selecting the right man or good friends or much of anything else, what kind of people does she invite in her life? What does she actually do for herself? Do you really want this?
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 10
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 8:42:09 AM
Proactively run away!
 MS.ICENI
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 11
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 10:06:04 AM
For once I agree with Joe...this girl is proactively telling you something. If this is not you, then don't try and be someone you're not. Be yourself, then if it doesn't work out, good to know. If you see her again, keep all this stuff in mind when deciding to see her again. Personally? I would look for someone who likes who you are...as yourself. As to this? Nothing lost, nothing invested.
 Shirley1215
Joined: 7/15/2014
Msg: 12
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 10:36:02 AM
Hum...I would give her the benefit of the doubt, since you don't actually know her definition of "proactive". Maybe she was just saying she is a beta female, or a passive person. I personally like it when men take the lead in the beginning. I can learn more about just how interested they are, and their communication style. I also have had, in the past, men who were so worried in ending up with a needy, clinging woman, that I just started saying "I don't call men. I don't chase men. I am very interested, and would love to hear from you, here's my number. " to any new men I meet. That doesn't mean I don't return calls or texts. It just means I don't initiate in the first few weeks we are checking each other out.

Of course, that does NOT go for someone that I have started having a genuine relationship with, that's a whole different scenario. But the "getting to know you " phase ", I leave it up to them.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 2:27:43 PM
dude, quit chasing your tail around the room, running your brain trying to figure out the exact meaning of what she says she wants and how to give it to her. you don't even know whether she's just regurgitating the blather all her GFs use. just meet her and watch some football and see if you enjoy her company. if she says or does something that reveals she's an absolute dipsh|t, you'll wonder what the heck you were getting all wound up over. and wouldn't it be ironic if the act you put on turned her off, when the real you might be just what she's looking for?

as far as wanting 'proactivity' goes, a large portion of women take this position in early courtship. witness all the profiles where under 'first date,' they write, 'you plan it.' they want a glimpse of what you're made of. fair enough, such discovery is the point of dating, but you're entitled to be shown more than how she does her hair and makeup and wardrobe, too.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 14
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 2:57:54 PM
the good news is, she's telling you what turns her on. there's quite a few who don't. you'll soon wish all people were so up-front :)

bad news? it might be something not in your nature. thank goodness you get to know now :)

there is a large range to cover with the term, "pro-active". Personally, I would assume it means, you have to make all the moves. plan the dates, make the sex moves, if she turns you down, assume that it just means try later when she's in the mood.

sounds like a recipe for a charge of harassment, doesn't it? If she wants sex, you duck the charge, if she doesn't, its all your fault. hence what others mean about laziness. you'll really want to look up "IOI" on the Internet, it stands for indicators of interest. body language, in other words.

Generally speaking, a bad boy is the male version of a type of woman you hope to avoid, labeled the "hot mess". the bad boy is illogical, irrational, emotion-driven, poor impulse control, spends money to buy fun and then wonders why he's broke, courts danger to get thrills, et cetera.
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 15
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 4:25:37 PM
OP.....Don't listen to the cynical naysayers on here...just be yourself.
She already likes you....you have talked back and forth before a meet and she didn't lose interest or flake on you...right?
You had one date and have made a second..some on here don't even get a meet.
If you are going to her house to watch a game...she's definitely not after your money(can't get any cheaper)....don't forget to ask what you should bring.....and a single flower for her would be nice.
Forget about the "bad boy....good boy" B.S. people want to use on here...
I'm with "Pink" she wants to know if you are interested and to be attentive....is all.
As for trying anything.....sit close and just put your arm around her....she'll let you know.
Let it happen naturally.
Good Luck!!
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 16
view profile
History
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/7/2014 4:47:21 PM
OP, be yourself. If you are proactive, aggressive and a "bad ass", then go for it. If not, don't waist your time with this girl. Find someone who likes you for you.
 lioil1
Joined: 7/19/2014
Msg: 17
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/9/2014 10:03:32 AM
So i did see her sunday but couldnt get seat for the game so we sat outside and had lunch. It was pretty good overall but when we parted on the street it was slightly awkward i thought about hug or kiss but lota of passerby and she kinda moved forward expecting something but backed away too maybe i wasnt fast enough...there was definitely a brief moment of "what should i do with all people around" moment. ..
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 18
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/9/2014 10:16:38 AM
There's always next date, but if you don't kiss her soon, if she has interest now, she may loose it. Try to kiss her by date 3. You have to be proactive enough to kiss her in a crowd. Like Robin Williams would say, "No pressure"!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 19
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/9/2014 2:28:01 PM
Next time BE really proactive. So instead of going to a game, where it will be awkward to do the most important thing that you should be doing in a date, and no, it's not drink beer and cheer a team, but TALKING, ask her to go to a quiet place and have dinner or a drink.

Proactive is not creepy, it means she want a real man that is not afraid of kissing her or even suggesting things to do. Unfortunately to come across as a proactive guy, without coming across as a creepy guy there's some GAME you would still have to learn. That means, learn how to amplify attraction and create desire. HOw and when to pursue, and when to pull back and create the type of tension that builds desire.

These are things that you can learn, and they do not make you into a bad boy, just a proactive boy girls that like proactive women exactly what THEY want.

And I bet you she's the type that likes her hair being pulled when.... But I digress, that would be different chapter in proactivity.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 20
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/9/2014 2:52:57 PM
Good luck on your efforts to discover your inner hidden "Bad Boy" while dating this woman.
Hope it is ultimately successful for you. Be mindful of the challenges of long distance dating, too.
 rftv1020
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 21
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/9/2014 4:31:59 PM
Some of these post...........I really want to know what happened next. lol

Stay away from the person you are not. Especially the hidden bad boy. Be who you are. Women party with bad boys, leave their panties under his pillow and never call him again. They are not usually husband material. They get women's names tattooed on their body, ride a K-9 Chopper, have meaningless lustful sex with countless unnamed partners, grow old and live alone with a Beagle. lol Be a good guy, get married and have a family you will be happier.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 22
view profile
History
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/10/2014 4:26:30 AM

what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive

Show up on every date with her wearing a condom
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 23
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/10/2014 7:09:06 AM

Good luck on your efforts to discover your inner hidden "Bad Boy" while dating this woman.
Hope it is ultimately successful for you.


Sorry eric, but I am going to tear this statement apart.

Let's start with the problem. Shy men that are afraid of their own fvcking shadow that have to ask permission to their mamis to do anything, let alone go out with a woman.

Many of the self improvement gurus, not just about dating, but about being successful in life, in any pursuit tell you that you need to start being the person that you would like to be. You need to start projecting what you desire, and what you desire will eventually come to you. Is this true? I've seen it happen over and over.

So who is your inner bad boy? It's not necessarily a man that sleeps with a ton of women, but a man that is willing to go to the edge of his own comfort zone. So in a date, if in the past all you did was buy whatever the woman wanted, and sat there. Next time, you do things that push the attraction. That means you sit closer, you touch her, you wait and see if she touches you back. This is not about being a pestering, creepy guy, but one that is engaged.

Another thing that is important. Use every date as a learning curve. If you've never kissed a girl on a date, try to learn that. In my learning curve, I had to learn how to make the girl be the one that attacks you and demands that first kiss.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 24
view profile
History
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/10/2014 7:56:53 AM
OMG, OP! I originally read your name as Loli1! My jaw dropped to the floor. Damn you dyslexia! Rofl.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. I wouldn't expect much from her IMHO. If she is too lazy to put effort into anything, then it will carry over to relationships too. Now being aggressive and being proactive are seperate things. Pro-active tends to mean getting to know her and make an effort to make your intentions known to her. It doesnt mean you will chase after her and alter your persona to fit into what she wants. If she is feeling your vibe from you being yourself, she will naturally reciprocate with body language and words. The point is that you have to meet in the middle somehow, and both has to put effort into it.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 25
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/10/2014 9:32:27 PM

So i did see her sunday but couldnt get seat for the game so we sat outside and had lunch. It was pretty good overall but when we parted on the street it was slightly awkward i thought about hug or kiss but lota of passerby and she kinda moved forward expecting something but backed away too maybe i wasnt fast enough...

??? Sat outside? Do you mean at an outdoor café? You find pubic displays of affection awkward, even a hug?

Look, you are never going to be a “Bad Boy”, not in this lifetime.


Stay away from the person you are not. Especially the hidden bad boy…
Be a good guy, get married and have a family you will be happier~rftv1020

Pro-active tends to mean getting to know her and make an effort to make your intentions known to her. It doesnt mean you will chase after her and alter your persona to fit into what she wants. ~ basilisk123

+1 I think these two guys gave you good advice.
You cannot alter your basic personality.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive