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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!      Home login  
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 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 2
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Sorry about your experience. It is what it is and no telling why he flaked. Would knowing, or rather hearing another reason really help?

Some people freeze when they realize that they may have to allow themselves to trust another and it scares them. They bolt unexpectedly. Have had it happen. I was at a loss just as you are. Chances are you did nothing wrong, and he did have issues he needs to work thru and does not know how to come to terms with it.

You win some, you lose some. If it is any consolation, atleast you didn't have a lot more of your time and self invested in something that by all accounts was going to fail at some point because of his issues.

it's tough, but you will recover. Best of luck.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 3
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 4:20:43 AM
It was one date. When people tell you who they are, believe them! Be glad you found out now.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 6
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 5:04:58 AM
It's not bizarre behavior at all.... all those chats meant nothing, you can't determine real chemistry over the phone lines. You are strangers until you meet. You met once, spent some time together, and he decided you were not for him and he bailed. Next time, don't waste so much time... have 2-5 conversations and meet within a week or two. Be an efficient dater.

When they say, "It's not you, it's me", that's a classic line which means he's not romantically interested. Millions around the world have said this.

Sure you want closure... he rejected you, and then disappeared so you could not reject him back... it's hard to reject them when they are nowhere to be found. The one who gets rejected first feels the brunt of the pain. When the love plane goes down, there is only one parachute. The way you get closure is to date others, it's good therapy. Ultimately, time will heal, and you'll forget about this guy.

Why did he leave? It could be one of ten-thousand reasons... maybe he did not get the little red wagon he wanted for Christmas... maybe his dog died.... maybe he did not like your eye-shadow color.... who knows? He may indeed have issues. But the bottom line is, he has no interest in you. I'm sorry.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 8
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 6:27:49 AM
He probably didn't want to continue into a sexual relationship for whatever reason ... the expectations you two built up as being a "couple" would be my guess. I would not EVER move to sex with someone expecting a relationship if I wasn't certain I wanted one. It's a lot to commit to after only one meeting, and the right thing to do not to lead someone on if you aren't certain.

I would definitely slow it down ... no hotels on a first date. That relationship MIGHT have grown naturally if he had not been in a position to make (what he might have felt) was an all or nothing decision. He tells you that earlier .. that he finds it easy to get into relationships but harder to get out of them. I understand that .. some people DO feel a sense of responsibility once they engage someone emotionally or physically. That, at least, was honorable.

The bailing and not communicating more later was lame, IMO.

Another thought, if you hadn't said he texted only 10 minutes later, was that he was an addict and needed to get a fix, not wanting to return to you that way. The time frame makes that unlikely though.

He simply may not have wanted to be with someone who is a non smoker and go through those withdrawals all of the time.

I doubt trust was the issue, as he could have very well just played you for a one night stand if he wanted to and then disappeared.

If this was after 10 hours together it wasn't really mid date, it was at the conclusion of the date when (he may have felt) a decision was to be made. He did the right thing to stop it, but in the wrong was in disappearing. Not sure, but I'm assuming the sharing a hotel room was prearranged? He should have had his own room, whether he spent the night in yours or not.

Either way and anyways, he didn't know enough about you after 3 weeks of chatting/fantasy forming and one visit for you to take it too personally, IMO. I hope you don't.
 lovebug0
Joined: 5/9/2013
Msg: 9
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 6:28:04 AM
He seems a little unstable. You did 'reveal' to him you found it hard to start something new. I would say that, it is like saying you don't know if you should be with him. It is like you are not ready to be with him. He was the opposite in that way. Well he seems unlike you as far as, he smokes (you don't), you finished school (he quit), (and quit meaning it was not for something 'to attain something else' as a mature decision).
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 10
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 6:35:41 AM
Sorry to learn the date did not lead to additional dates and a potential relationship.
One positive note is he did the honorable thing of halting prior to a sexual event.
There is almost certainly "a lid for every pot" out there. Good luck with your romantic search. :-)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 11
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 6:42:12 AM
Sometimes it's all about the fantasy and the anticipation.
Reality is something else.

For whatever reason, his reality left him running for cover.

I agree, better he tells you now than six months down the road.

Sorry that happened. Best of luck in the future.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 12
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 7:28:47 AM
So let's reset the scene

*You've been talking for while, lovey, dovey I wanna be with you forever type stuff to each other.
*He's on his phone a lot during your meet
* Meeting you both are in la la fantasy land talk only now it's in person which leads to

*Drinking---------> being together alone drinking in a hotel room = Obviously things are going to get intimate (sex's going to happen)

This is where he dipped out so..... my two guesses as to why he dipped out just before getting intimate are

1) One he's married or has an SO (you have to realize that a large population of online daters are already in relationships of some sort, he's on his phone a lot and he dips out and disappears like a phantom in the night prior to sex). He might have felt guilty for cheating on his SO/wife and just couldn't go through with it. Some things are better left to fantasy......

2) He was only in it for sex and didn't want to deal with the repercussions of leading you on to think there would be more after the deed was done. Just wasn't worth it to him.

I'm leaning towards #1 honestly...... he's back on POF looking for attention but I'll bet money he won't make the mistake of meeting someone again he'll just lead them on filling up his ego making sure he's still wanted because his SO/wife probably doesn't want him.
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 13
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 7:55:27 AM
What difference does it matter in what the reason was??
You dodged a bullet.....when a person says they are no longer interested...believe them.
Lesson learned....meet before your mind starts with the "fantasy" of what the other person is about.
Hiding profiles and agreeing to being exclusive or whatever it was...is just silly.
Let it go...move on!

Edit in....to below post.
My point is...we can all "guess" or assume....she still will not really know....will she?
Why dwell on it....accept his decision and move on.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 14
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 7:59:59 AM

What difference does it matter in what the reason was??

Because it's natural to wonder why someone would do this. Sometimes it helps to know, you get some sort of closure from it. Beyond that maybe it's something you can learn from and improve on, like perhaps your not talkative on dates or you just talk about yourself. Getting feedback on where and what went wrong is useful even if it's just watch out for men/women who like to form relationships before ever meeting.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 15
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 8:10:29 AM
I'm thinking he's married and realized what a wonderful human being you are.

He couldn't continue to deceive you.

His conscience got the best of him.

If I were writing the conclusion to this story, that's how I would end it.

Anyway...you sound like a very authentic person. Heck, I don't even know you, but I can tell that was one hell of a date you described, filled with some nice moments with him.

I hope you're wise enough to not let him make you an option later on if he changes his mind. You deserve better :)
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 16
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 9:00:41 AM
Well, you are probably never going to know the real reason he decided he did not like her enough to continue... guessing what the problem is won't help you find the answer, there just isn't enough information.... like I said, it could be any one of ten-thousand reasons. Would it help with closure? - perhaps a little, but not as much as the healing power of time... she'll get over it in time.

Quick story... I dated a woman a few months ago... the first 4-hour date went great, we went to the beach, kissed, there was touching, everything looked promising. Second date bombed, she flaked... lower interest, no touching, no kiss, she started nagging, and said the dreaded "friends" word. By the next day, after that second date, I was mad at her for rejecting me, and lost any romantic interest I had (It's actually healthy to get mad in this situation, it's a healthy protection mechanism that keeps you from going back and getting your heart beat up... as long as you handle the anger properly, it's okay).

A few weeks later, however, she called, and we became friends. She eventually spilled her guts to me, and I learned the exact reason she flaked... I'm not going into personal details here, let's just say she was not emotionally available. Did it help me get over her? - no, after a couple weeks, by the time she called, I was not mad at her anymore, nor romantically interested. It was interesting to know the real reason, but it was academic at that point. I knew by her ACTIONS on date 2 that it was over - because people who are good relationship material, who actually like you, don't get flaky, they are consistent.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 17
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 9:12:22 AM
^^^
One of the sad realities about dating.

Bluntly speaking, there's often another peni$ or vagina in the background somewhere that you're competing with, sight unseen.

Also, let's not forget this dude was an artist.

No rational behavior is expected.

Some of this does sound like trailer park lore - cigarettes, drinks, rooms, etc.

Throw in a Heartland Scramble from Denny's for breakfast?

 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 18
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 9:25:03 AM
I agree with the others that it doesn't matter why he left ... he did and that is all that matters.

However, I am surprised that nobody else has commented on your behaviors ...

You altered your height in case you are wrong about it? REALLY? You have lived with yourself your whole life and should know how tall you are and you are letting an encounter with a guy who you just met change your ideas about how tall you are ... that is just plain crazy. There are other behaviors that lead me to wonder about you ... you went out to look for him though you'd been drinking quite a bit, you were at the harbor with tears running down your face .... wow, that type of behavior isn't healthy ... it just isn't ...

Guys (and girls) can and will flake - you essentially know nothing about them until you have spent time IN PERSON with them - and more than the first date ... You need to get a little thicker skin when it comes to OLD - don't let other people determine how you feel about yourself and if you can't help doing that ... then you need to stop dating until you can.

When someone tells you they have 'issues' BELIEVE THEM ...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 9:45:43 AM

We began texting and whatsapping regularly, calling each other to chat (sometimes for hours). We would video chat on Skype all the time. I would say we became quite emotionally involved during this amount of time. He spoke about wanting to 'make me his girlfriend'. We both 'hid' our Pof profiles...


Mistakes number 1: The endless computer chatting and falling for someone you never met, which is a very common mistake, especially for newbies-falling in love with a computer image. Which is why it's imperative to meet in person in the real world asap, to sort out fantasy from reality, before fantasy delusions take over your mind. E-mail a few times, then meet up. Save the chitter chatter for the real world.
Mistake number 2: Anyone who claims they want to be boyfriend/girlfriend with someone they never met is a huge red flag. You should have been hearing the starting pistol going off telling you to run.




10 minutes later, he text me saying 'I can't do this, it's not you, it's me, I have issues, please don't be mad'.
I replied saying 'what? Can you come and speak to me in person please?


What exactly was there to talk about? He told you he's not into you or not ready to date you. What more do you need? Usually, when somebody says they want to talk about breaking up, the correct interpretation is: "I want to have a chance to scream at you, call you every derogatory term in the book, and have you watch me wail and cry, hoping you will feel the same way and regret what you're doing." That is also the correct meaning of the "needing closure" crap-getting a chance to get even by going nuts on the person.



I saw today he has been back online on Pof. Why would he do that if he wasn't looking for someone.


He made it clear he's not into you and doesn't want to date you, so why do you care what he does? Besides, you were on it too, so he's wondering what you're doing on it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 11:30:27 AM

I wanted him to tell me to my face why he was leaving. In person. Thats not unreasonable.


You set the parameters for communication to be via electronic devices only right up until the first date. So why wouldn't you expect it to end the same way it started? I find it unreasonable to expect the guy to read your mind to know when you require face-to-face verbal communication and when you require electronic communication, since the electronic form is such a high priority.

If he was to tell you to your face what he told you in the message, what difference would it make? If he told you in person, would your response be: "That's fine. Thanks for letting me know. Good luck finding the right match for you" in a calm and pleasant manner, or would you be a little more coarse? Maybe he didn't want to take a chance on seeing a bitter side of you (if there is one). Would it be better if after the first date, he stopped any further communication with you and blocked you, and leave you wondering what's going on instead?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 24
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 11:37:12 AM
I used to wonder 'why' when people made choices that didn't include me.

I don't do that anymore.

I have had the pleasure of being told why I was not part of someone's future and it didn't take the sting away. But I guess you have to have that experience to realize it isn't really important. The only important thing is -he bailed and has shown himself as not a man of good character by not having the courage to speak to you in person about it. What more does a woman need to know...?

Good luck with your future dates op!!
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 25
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 11:47:54 AM
Ditto what the mailman said.

I've always felt that the communication and pace of the communication set precedents and expectations when meeting someone for the first time.

Whatever is ACCEPTED by both parties during the honeymoon period is EXPECTED later.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 26
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 11:56:10 AM

Whatever is ACCEPTED by both parties during the honeymoon period is EXPECTED later.


Good one.

OP: my apologies for making the assumption that the next step in that date was going to be sexual. My bad.
 daysleeper5
Joined: 11/6/2009
Msg: 27
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 3:33:49 PM
Things to exclude from future first dates:

- Hotel room
- An abundance of alcohol
- Confession of feelings prior to the first date
- Superfluous buildup of anticipation and expectations

The problem is that this wasn't really anything like a normal first date. You two seemed to have a whirlwind romance over the computer before putting flesh to bone. It sort of reminds me of the typical 'Catfish' scenario where one person falls for the other over countless e-mails, text messages and messenger chats before an actual meeting (that usually never takes place because the other person is a fraud). I suspect you feel emotionally-Catfished in this situation which is why you're seeking closure and answers that aren't normally necessary subsequent to a bad first date.

I think, maybe, you should ask some questions of yourself. What was it about this guy that allowed you to drop your guard so easily when you normally wouldn't? Why did you fall head-over-heels so fast? What's going on in your life that made you so vulnerable to him? (This is not an answer that you share with us, but just for your own benefit).
 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 28
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 4:52:13 PM
@PDAapproved What can i say back to that! Thanks for being negative, and analysing my own behaviours.


Well, OP, I don't see how it is negative to point out to you how you acted - it's actually being honest - hmmm .... some people associate the two b/c they don't like the truth ...


Why is it not healthy to go out and look for someone you care about? Why cant I cry if I have been hurt? I am entitled to feel something and express my emotions.



You can go out and look for someone and you can cry if you want, but after a first date - that is just off. OLD has so many instances of people not being who they say they are, those having awesome first dates and never hearing from them again, guys/gals never speaking again after hooking up, people who lie directly to your face, and so on ... You cannot get so attached to a guy on a first date ... or even a second one or a third one ... that you feel so bad about yourself or what they end up doing ... it is not healthy for you.


I know I am slightly taller than 5'10, but it seems men add an inch or two. Changed my profile to the higher of the two, so maybe no shorter men dates in future. Logical I thought.


You said at the beginning that you changed your height b/c he appeared shorter and therefore MAYBE YOU WERE WRONG about your height ... that is not what you implied above by restating it .... what you initially said came across as 'there's no way in hell he could have been lying about his height and therefore I must have been wrong about mine' ... I don't care if you want to change it so it says you are 10 ft tall - go ahead if it's what YOU want to do for yourself - not in response to a date with a guy.


If you don't think that is normal, i wonder how you yourself react when/if you are ever rejected. Or do you just not care/invest feelings into something enough to be affected enough to cry?


Yes, I have been rejected ... and, no, I don't invest enough feeling into a first meet or first date to worry one tiny second when they don't want to see me again. I don't let others rob me of my peace of mind b/c they don't like me or they have issues - it's just not worth it.
 BeachBikeHike
Joined: 8/15/2014
Msg: 29
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 5:33:11 PM
Thread title is misleading. I was thinking he walked out on you during a DATE, like sitting in a restaurant or coffee house????

So you were both horizontal and he left? Yikes.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 30
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 5:44:53 PM

Posted by BeachBikeHike:
"So you were both horizontal and he left? Yikes."

OP never said that at all.
She said they had run out of mixers for drinks and he was anxious for a quick cigarette.
He noted the room number and went downstairs ostensibly to address both.
 PenelopeLeChat
Joined: 7/29/2014
Msg: 31
He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 8:20:12 PM
Quote/"We ran out of mixers for our drinks, and he expressed he wanted a cigarette. He was a little twitchy and distracted, I guessed it was because he needed a cigarette. He knows I don't really like smoking, so I made light of it by saying 'I have a toothbrush, you can clean your teeth after you've had one' and we laughed."

Sorry Sweetie he had a date with his dealer and didn't know how to come back and show you how to use a crack pipe... So sorry this happened to you.
Hope you have better luck the next time.
LePew
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 32
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He walked out on me mid date... said he had issues. Help!
Posted: 9/11/2014 11:06:03 PM
Married men like the chase, then reality sets in when skin meets skin.
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