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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Beware of negging!!      Home login  
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 OrphicSpirit
Joined: 5/10/2014
Msg: 1
Beware of negging!!Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I don't know if any other ladies on this site have experienced being "negged". Negging is a tactic that a lot of insecure men use on women they find attractive. According to UrbanDictionary the definition is as follows:" Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances. This is something no decent guy would do. "

I went out on a date with the most sociopathic man ever, yeah he was good looking but if his personality matched his outside he'd have absolutely nothing going for him. There was something about him that made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. The date ended up being a disaster because I was shy, shyer than usual. After our date he txts me saying that we should just stay friends because there was "no attraction". I felt relieved because I felt there was something not right about him but at the same time there was a little bit of attraction. Fast forward two weeks later, he txts me trying to be buddy-buddy (obviously he wanted something), eventually the convo leads to him asking me if I would be interested in being FWB! (Red flag! Didn't he say there was "no attraction"?) I wanted to go off on him right then and there but instead I kindly declined and stopped talking to him. Fast forward a month later (I didn't block him since I assumed he had given up by now) he txts me again trying to be buddy buddy, the conversation ends up leading to if he even finds me attractive, then here comes the negging: he downplays that he finds me attractive, saying I'm pretty "but..." then he brings up the pair of jeans I decided to wear on our date! Saying that they didn't suit my "body type"! What kind of heterosexual male in their right mind would ever say something like that? He was trying to manipulate me and that's when I knew my initial intuition about him was correct.

Follow your gut, ladies! If it doesn't feel right it's him.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 2:07:01 PM
I'm in favor of going with instincts first, and figuring out what they were telling me later, generally.

And by the way, plenty of OVERLY secure men use as well. Manipulation is manipulation.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 3
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 2:53:27 PM
That's about the most passive "negging" comment I've ever heard of.

You participated in the conversation that eventually "led up to if he even finds me attractive". Why would you have that conversation? If he answered "yes" were you going to agree to the FWB? Sounds like he was giving you an honest answer to your question.

If he was a legitimate 'negger' you would have known it long before then. He had plenty of earlier opportunities to neg if that was his MO.

Sounds like you are making much ado about nothing. Not saying he isn't an immature and tactless prat, but I don't think it warrants a warning to women.

And what's with the "heterosexual male" comment? Is it normal for homosexual men (or women) to make comments like that? I don't get your point?
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 4
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 3:02:58 PM
So your date didn't go well .. So it has to be the guys fault.. Maybe he just didn't feel the attraction but felt FWB would work..
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 5
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 3:28:20 PM

: I don't know if any other ladies on this site have experienced being "negged". Negging is a tactic that a lot of insecure men use on women they find attractive. According to UrbanDictionary the definition is as follows:" Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances. This is something no decent guy would do. "


I remember this tactic being used by guys in grammar school. The teasing, the belittling, etc. juvenile behavior because they knew no better way to get a girl's attention. Didn't really work then, as it was kind of confusing, (though our moms would say 'he likes you') . And it is even more confusing when mature men do it . Like WHY??

Any assertion that goes, "I think you're pretty, BUT"---is a giant red flag. He doesn't really think you're pretty at all. He doesn't even really SEE you, he sees his fantasy of the perfect woman for him, and you have not quite made the grade. And you never will.

Don't let this guy take up room in your head.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 6
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 3:43:31 PM
Was this guy from a dating site? Sounds like classic behavior.

These guys have the across the board inability to make any real connection with a woman that does not consist of screwing with their heads in some manner. It all boils down to control, manipulation and misogyny. No woman needs an evaluation of her jeans a month after a date when the guy already said he's not interested.

But hey..maybe the degrading insults will make her feel GLAD he's got enough pity in his heart to eff her.

Anyway.

Demented, but not unusual. BLOCK phone numbers after those dud dates. You don't need to stay connected to someone, either for attention or out of curiosity, to see what they'll say next.

Let him find some other sucker to punch around.
 JohnnyI986
Joined: 7/6/2014
Msg: 7
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 3:48:13 PM
This is the dumbest shit I've read all week.

Sounds like he's a good looking guy and you messed it up by being shy and awkward so he said forget that.

Fast forward he's drunk one night and just trying his luck to get laid.

Stop being so over dramatic.

Pathetic.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 8
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Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 4:10:50 PM
"If it doesn't feel right, it's him."

LMBAO!
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 9
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 4:29:52 PM
^^^^^^Have to agree Johnny......don't see this situation as the clasic "negging" in the pua sense.....sounds more to me like awkward interaction and emotional immaturity leading to the employment of defense mechanisms.....not a sociopath either! :)



But personally.....I love it when I encounter these manipulative individuals that do use this technique when first meeting! I think.....yes.....let the games begin! And I have fun with it! ;)


Most of us are guilty of doing this at times.....but we are usually not consciously aware of it! That's what make it manipulative.....when someone knowingly does something to invoke a desired result that may not occur naturally.....
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 10
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 6:51:12 PM

Have to agree Johnny......don't see this situation as the clasic "negging" in the pua sense.....sounds more to me like awkward interaction and emotional immaturity leading to the employment of defense mechanisms.....not a sociopath either! :)



But personally.....I love it when I encounter these manipulative individuals that do use this technique when first meeting! I think.....yes.....let the games begin! And I have fun with it! ;)


Most of us are guilty of doing this at times.....but we are usually not consciously aware of it! That's what make it manipulative.....when someone knowingly does something to invoke a desired result that may not occur naturally.....


 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 11
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 8:14:40 PM

The date ended up being a disaster because I was shy, shyer than usual..


No, actually, the date ended up being a disaster because you chose to go out with "the most sociopathic man ever", based on looks.

Same old story.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 8:45:00 PM
then here comes the negging: he downplays that he finds me attractive, saying I'm pretty "but..." then he brings up the pair of jeans I decided to wear on our date! Saying that they didn't suit my "body type"!


Tell him that he seems confused about his sexual orientation, and you're sorry you're not built more like a man. Then block his number. Problem solved.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 13
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 9:07:06 PM
Wait, I thought women hated hearing that they're pretty, or hot, or physically attractive early in dating. I read it on the POF forums, that's on the internet, so it has to be true.

And no, a minipulative guy like that is going to go directly after your self-esteem. He's not going to say he wasn't attracted to you, he's going to convince you that no guy is attracted to you, so that you feel like he's your only choice or nothing, which he secures by convincing you that you need him for some reason, so "nothing" is out of the question. I promise you, these guys are in no way insecure.

But some guys do use the childish pick on you to get you to like him. It's not always their fault, some of them just didn't mature fast enough.

But the sad part, is that it actually works enough times that this got a name given to it. You might want to question your fellow women on that one.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 14
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Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 10:35:48 PM

Then came "negging". Good way to get a drink thrown in your face, guys. Or call blocked.

OP -- I think the guy WAS negging you. I do NOT think that every time a guy is not interested in a woman it is his fault. But I DO think THIS guy was negging YOU. Why do I think that? Because if he didn't think you were attractive, he would have simply left you alone.


If you get a drink thrown in your face, you're doing it wrong. The whole point of a neg is so you don't come across as the 100th guy that deperately wants to date this beautiful woman that always gets attention from men. Some women are used to men constantly giving them compliments and being attracted to them. You don't want to insult the woman with a neg, you want to convey value. Instead of saying something negative about her appearance like the OP's date did, it would be better to say something like "we wouldn't be good together, we're too alike". I think what people forget is that negs aren't meant for average women.


And, to you guys -- please quit reading those stupid books and just be yourselves. The guys who are trying to learn to play "hard to get" are learning hard lessons. The guys who are getting all the women are the ones who are acting like they're interested. Even the ones who just want to get laid.


"Be yourself" can be terrible advice. What if "being yourself" means only showering once a week and playing dungeons and dragons with all your time off? Wouldn't it be better to change up who you are, start going to the gym, clean yourself more often, and become more social?
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 15
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:32:43 PM

And, to you guys -- please quit reading those stupid books and just be yourselves. The guys who are trying to learn to play "hard to get" are learning hard lessons. The guys who are getting all the women are the ones who are acting like they're interested. Even the ones who just want to get laid.


This. I have never been attracted to rude, condescending,**** guys. I like friendly, easy-going guys who are interested in me and - wait for it - SHOW it. I usually don't fall for a guy until he shows interest in me and is enthusiastic about me. Like calling me, sending me poems, spending time with me, that type of thing.

The most typical neg I've gotten is "you look great for your age". The "for your age" part is a backhanded compliment. Either I look good or I don't. Or does that mean if my age was 20, I'd look hideous? Anyways, I immediately lose interest in guys like that. Another good one that I've heard used on some heavier women is "I don't care what the other guys are saying, I like a woman with a little meat on her bones". Not a compliment, this is to play on a woman's body image, as in "no one else wants you, so better give me a shot".

OP, you were right to ditch this guy. WHo wans to be around some arrogant azz like that.
 rftv1020
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 16
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 5:48:55 AM
I am totally confused and feel so old. lol I honestly had no idea there were books or names for techniques. I have scanned a few articles in Women's magazines while in the grocery store. Most giving women advice on how to manipulate a man. Funny Crap. So when these new techniques come out are men supposed to sign up for the mailing list or more book of the month club. I get the impression that people think there is an organized conspiracy against women. Apparently I missed the memo. I guess my question is if a man/woman goes on a date, there is no connection and the person is a total ass hole why go back for seconds. Bad dates are just that, bad dates. Put that one in the past and move forward.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 17
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:06:47 AM
^^^^^^Lol! Not old! Just scanning the wrong magazines.......try the men's! :)



"I guess my question is if a man/woman goes on a date, there is no connection and the person is a total ass hole why go back for seconds. Bad dates are just that, bad dates. Put that one in the past and move forward."


Can't answer that question......the possible answers are endless!
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 18
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:14:24 AM
Wait, I thought women hated hearing that they're pretty, or hot, or physically attractive early in dating. I read it on the POF forums, that's on the internet, so it has to be true.


Come on! You KNOW that isn't the issue. Many women do want to feel like the person they have just met finds them attractive. Many women don't mind a sincere compliment.

But what I'm guessing is that what many women do NOT want is to be completely/solely objectified: having the sense that our ONLY value to a man that approaches us is in our appearance; whether we possess a certain physical attribute that meets a certain standard. That nothing else about us - not our personality, our interests, the life we've led, etc matters at all.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 19
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:19:51 AM
Since I was not there, I cannot say if he was negging or not, he did sound like he was "dissing" you 4 sure!

Any person, regardless of gender, who resorts to game-playing & or manipulation is immature.

Op you have to decide, are you a girl or a woman? If you are a woman, you won't deal w/ boys.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:29:17 AM

The date ended up being a disaster because I was shy, shyer than usual. After our date he txts me saying that we should just stay friends because there was "no attraction".


So you were a boring date and he said he felt no attraction to you. That should have ended it.
Next time grow a set and stop responding to texts and inform any guy that keeps calling after insulting you that you are not interested.
 alanj805
Joined: 4/16/2014
Msg: 21
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Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:33:18 AM
I'd like to hear from Johnny again.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 22
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:53:34 AM

I am totally confused and feel so old. lol I honestly had no idea there were books or names for techniques. I have scanned a few articles in Women's magazines while in the grocery store. Most giving women advice on how to manipulate a man.


Hahaha. Funny. There are a lot of techniques that used correctly, they do work. The problem with the PUA mentality is that it was created for the Club scene, where single women go to find a male that they can mate with. It came about because people that were very good attracting these women, were not kissing up to the women, or telling them how hot they were or anything like that, they were simply having fun.

The problem with Negging is that is one dimensional. What happens when you meet up with a woman that happens to be a defense attorney. Is she going to put up with those silly tactics? Hell no, she will have one of these PUAs for lunch.

Now, does it work? Some of it does. There was this girl I dated a while back that looked like Michelle Phyffer. She had an incredible body since she taught pilates, and while just having fun, I told her that she had stubby fingers. She thought it was funny and placed her hand open against mine. It became our thing. She even called herself stubby fingers when we cuddled or were holding hands at some restaurant.

So rather than using the Negging, what guys should concentrate on is on learning not to put the woman in a pedestal, just because she is attractive.
 rftv1020
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 23
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 7:19:40 AM
But what I'm guessing is that what many women do NOT want is to be completely/solely objectified: having the sense that our ONLY value to a man that approaches us is in our appearance; whether we possess a certain physical attribute that meets a certain standard. That nothing else about us - not our personality, our interests, the life we've led, etc matters at all.



That works both ways. I realize that women never hang out at places where men with muscles, six pak abs and too much testosterone gather in numbers. No such thing as women who like guys in uniform, groupies or little Tab Chaser's that hang out at Ranger and SF Bars. When I was young and had those attributes I understood that those women who were approaching/sleeping with me were not objectifying me and my friends by a patch on our shoulder. They sincerely wanted to know our interest, who we were inside, the life we led, our favorite color and author. lmao. I have no clue what goes through a woman's head but at times I think women may objectify men more so then men do women. Maybe just in a different manner. Men narrow attractive to physical attributes. Women find a man's job, bike/car, body, muscles, athletic ability, self confidence as attributes they seek. None of those things being who he is inside. Men and women are equally guilty of being shallow and seek certain things before the emotional connection.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 24
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 8:28:30 AM
If you have any self confidence at all a "neg" will just turn you off and cause you to stop interacting.

The date ended up being a disaster because I was shy, shyer than usual. After our date he txts me saying that we should just stay friends because there was "no attraction". I felt relieved because I felt there was something not right about him but at the same time there was a little bit of attraction. Fast forward two weeks later, he txts me trying to be buddy-buddy (obviously he wanted something), eventually the convo leads to him asking me if I would be interested in being FWB!

1. I'd have answered the "no attraction" text with "OK good...it's mutual so now I feel better about it"
2. I'd have answered the FWB text three fold:
A. My already established lack of attraction to him would result in not wanting sex with him.
B. We're not already friends so an FWB isn't possible
C. I've already got an FWB but thanks for the offer.

That would be my honest response. I wouldn't really find the request offensive. Just typical.
*shrug*
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 25
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/17/2014 8:30:07 AM
^^ (now 2 posts up) I concur COMPLETELY.

I am often aghast at the behavior of my own gender and the things they appear to 'value'... I've spoken up in the past (through a different profile than I have now) about things women have said on here that I felt were really shallow and self-serving. Men don't have a monopoly on bad behavior.

The piece of my post that you quoted was in DIRECT response to a man's post who said that he'd read here in the forums that a man should NEVER give a compliment to a woman based on her appearance and I was offering an alternative perspective to the forum posts he had perhaps gotten that impression from.
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