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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy      Home login  
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 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoyPage 1 of 1    
In the AskAGirl forum, someone mentioned being enough of a fan about automobiles that their daily driver car was built up like a race car--including loud exhaust. The question had been, is this a turn-off in general? Which lead to a flurry of answers basically declaring, "I know more about what I love than you do, and so my opinion on what's right is also better."

This isn't unusual in the world of car-fandom....nor any other one. Find out a stranger knows martial arts, and suddenly its a contest equivalent to comparing dong-size. In guns its 9mm versus .45, hopefully with people who don't plan to kill anyone anytime soon to find if their theories are correct. And of course, in sports, heaven help you if you meet a true fan of an opposing team.

So, let's say you're on a date with someone who isn't smoking hot (b/c that of course does bias us) but isn't bad looking, seems to have a decent personality, when suddenly...you realize they are quite passionate about a field you're (just) interested in. Do you stick around to see if they are a one-trick pony, and where is your limit reached? If they seem like a good enough partner, but just can't allow anyone to get the last word in on something they're just too passionate about, do you see that as a red flag, or just something you overlook b/c, "really, how important to breaking up the relationship is it--let them have this one thing?" Is being so passionate a good thing, or are you determined not to be a football widow?

in the list of things you want and don't want in a partner, when you are on those first dates getting to know each other....where does this one show up?
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 2
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 7:26:59 AM
In my line of work, you run into ALOT of hardcore fans, mostly of movies, StarWars, ComicCon sort of things. Lots of guys who decorate their offices with action figures, etc. There are also daily discussions in the office about stuff like Star Wars, Star Trek, etc.

My last bf was hugely into GhostBusters. He was an excellent craftsman, and would make, by hand, proton packs out of fiberglass molds. That was his big thing. He converted not one-but two '59 Cadillacs into GhostBuster cars, then went on to buy a Delorean and turn that into the Back To The Future car. His big hobby was the prop replica thing, making R2D2's and Darth Vader helmets.

I would say a talk about Ghostbusters, BTTF, Star Wars or something related to this was a daily thing. It made up a big part of his world and he was really good at the prop replica end of it.

I didnt share any of this as a personal interest, although I was amazed and enjoyed his talent as a prop builder.

I eventually initiated the break up, and we moved on, although as friends. Part of the reason was that I realized I did not share a big part of his life, and didnt participate much in the fan conventions and "prop building sessions" he had on many weekends with buddies. I mean, I dont think a couple has to, necessarily, to get along, but it was almost a religious thing for him, and so intense and consistent, I felt it would be better for him to maybe find a gal who was as into it as he was.

Which is exactly what happened. He married shortly after we broke up, and his wife I think shares more of an interest in it, or , maybe a better way to put it is more able to absorb that into her life. I really wasnt able to. I had my own interests, like world travel, which he did not share.

I beleive there are a couple different scenarios here...either you have two very unique individuals that don't really cross paths when it comes to interests-which is what I think we were. Then you have the two people who TOTALLY share the same interests on the same level..and then you have the spouse who can *mold* themselves into..well, not exactly "going along" with things, but who has more of a "absorption rate" for their partner's interests. I think this is what 's going on now, and I do wish them well! He's still a goof friend and although I couldn't immerse myself into the world of Darth Vader and Marty McFly, I still enjoyed our time together!

Today, I would probably think twice about getting involved with someone with a very intense interest, but on the other hand, he and I did have a great time when we were together, but it wasnt going to last.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 3
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 7:41:49 AM

So, let's say you're on a date with someone who isn't smoking hot (b/c that of course does bias us) but isn't bad looking, seems to have a decent personality, when suddenly...you realize they are quite passionate about a field you're (just) interested in.


The problem with this is that many women that are into my sport have smoking hot bodies and have at least cute faces. Interestingly enough, there's a weathered look that some of them have that I actually find attractive and hot. With that said. I've also met other women that were into my passion and sorry, didn't do it for me in the other department, so I would gladly buy her a beer but no more than that.

So I guess the answer to the question is NO. Even if she is into my stuff I would not date her. I don't want a sport and drinking buddy, I want someone that is 100 percent sexually compatible with me. (Rhetorically speaking, of course, since my girlfriend is PERFECT for men in all compatibilities.)
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 4
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 9:13:49 AM
Posted by InnerGorilla:
"The problem with this is that many women that are into my sport have smoking hot bodies and have at least cute faces. Interestingly enough, there's a weathered look that some of them have that I actually find attractive and hot. With that said. I've also met other women that were into my passion and sorry, didn't do it for me in the other department, so I would gladly buy her a beer but no more than that..."

InnerGorilla...we are into the same sport...so I know precisely the "look" of which you speak.
It is cool if she has her own riding group and we don't have to be on EVERY ride together.
When she has some individuality it enables both to come back to share stories.

To further use the cycling example, it's nice if she is an enthusiast because it does smooth discussions about things like taking bicycles with you on vacations. That is occasionally quite a discussion with non-riders. This scenario naturally goes both ways with both genders equally impacted. Great post.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 5
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 11:03:36 AM
Interesting.

I've experienced the opposite lately.

When I'm NOT passionate about their interest, whether it be golf or competitive swing dancing.

Being chivalrous and attentive got me into the sack but not checking all her boxes kept her from being exclusive...

Unless I learned her passion. Nah, moving on.

I think VK, that you handled that situation wisely. I wasn't so much angry with these women but I kind of understood they wanted a partner with similar interests and let it go at that.

I'm still of the opinion that common interests are great, but common values are more important.

This gal/swing dancer's ex was a womanizer, but a great dancer. I would have thought that the ability to commit trumped someone's dancing abilities?
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 6
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 11:11:28 AM

I once knew someone whose ex-wife racked up thousands in credit card bills on collector dolls


Also, how d*mn creepy was it living in a house with all those dolls?? shudder!

I have found as well that often someone who is SO 'right about everything' about their particular passion may skew towards 'being right about every subject', which is a turn off to me. I've also found that someone that is REALLY passionate about something (the last man I dated was an artist) may often find my lack of total dedication to (in this case) a creative pursuit somehow made me a 'lesser' person.


How "hot" he is would be completely irrelevant. I don't understand why hotness is part of the equation.


Every time I read the whole 'if she's hot thing' I feel so out of touch (with the male gender if indeed that is how many/most of them view the world). I have dated a few guys (more than once or twice) in the past several years and their 'hotness' (which if I am objective about varied from 'probably not someone others would think was attractive and honestly I didn't think he was that good looking either ' to 'most of my friends commented on how good looking he was') NEVER factored into whether I wanted to continue to see them/whether they were a match for me based on our interaction. Heck, hotness didn't factor into whether I would go on a 2nd date with them - the best looking guy I have met, I didn't accept an invitation for a 2nd date from because talking to him was as interesting as watching paint dry.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 7
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 12:50:39 PM

Every time I read the whole 'if she's hot thing' I feel so out of touch (with the male gender if indeed that is how many/most of them view the world). I have dated a few guys (more than once or twice) in the past several years and their 'hotness' (which if I am objective about varied from 'probably not someone others would think was attractive and honestly I didn't think he was that good looking either ' to 'most of my friends commented on how good looking he was') NEVER factored into whether I wanted to continue to see them/whether they were a match for me based on our interaction. Heck, hotness didn't factor into whether I would go on a 2nd date with them - the best looking guy I have met, I didn't accept an invitation for a 2nd date from because talking to him was as interesting as watching paint dry.
+100.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 8
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 1:10:16 PM

So, let's say you're on a date with someone who isn't smoking hot (b/c that of course does bias us)
If he's not smokin' hot to me why exactly am I there?

but isn't bad looking, seems to have a decent personality, when suddenly...you realize they are quite passionate about a field you're (just) interested in. Do you stick around to see if they are a one-trick pony, and where is your limit reached? If they seem like a good enough partner, but just can't allow anyone to get the last word in on something they're just too passionate about, do you see that as a red flag, or just something you overlook b/c, "really, how important to breaking up the relationship is it--let them have this one thing?" Is being so passionate a good thing, or are you determined not to be a football widow?

He's got to have friends or peers he can blather on to about whatever it is. I am a DJ, love music, like talking shop with other DJs but most are just interested in music and don't want to get that into it in discussion. For that reason I have friends who I can talk to about that for hours.

A guy I'm dating isn't required to entertain that (and vice versa).
 rftv1020
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 9
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 1:57:48 PM
Not sure what the Hot and being compatible have to do with each other and the question. lol Regardless of attributes, if two people get on each others nerves probably not going to last long as a couple.

If he/she is fanatical about a sport or hobby I thing it is great. As long as it does not lead to an unhealthy obsession. I find people that do not have at least one passion/interest to be boring. Sharing the same passion can lead to fun debates or competitive battles. Sometimes you both may have to agree to disagree.

In a relationship I look for similar interest. Things that we both enjoy and can do as a couple. I also want us to have interest outside of the mutual. Many couples do, but I have never wanted to spend every minute awake with one person. People need time to do their on thing, re-charge. In my past long term relationships we had our friends, my friends and her friends same with hobbies. Gave us a little break away from each other.

Now the people who are constant know-it-alls, regardless of gender are annoying.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 10
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 2:41:54 PM
My girlfriend is not a cyclist. That is my passion, but she was aware of it when we started dating, and has since started cycling some. So we relate and for instance are planning a couple of vacations, one out west with mountain bikes, and one to the beach with road bikes. Also today she took her kids and my sister's boy to a mountain bike park that has a couple of dirt tracks with undulations and steep curves. It was a lot of fun for them. So, we're all embracing the sport.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 11
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/18/2014 3:19:13 PM

If they seem like a good enough partner, but just can't allow anyone to get the last word in on something they're just too passionate about, do you see that as a red flag, or just something you overlook b/c, "really, how important to breaking up the relationship is it--let them have this one thing?" Is being so passionate a good thing, or are you determined not to be a football widow?


I believe a person can (and should) be passionate about a subject yet, let others speak their view on the same subject. If the person "can't" do this, then I don't care what if that passion is the same as mine or not, she won't be part of my company.
My passions includes my "peace of mind" and I find no need to discuss(and /or debate) "passionately" about it, unless it involves doing harm to things that I value.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12
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When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/21/2014 11:15:03 AM
gtomustang said:


but just can't allow anyone to get the last word in on something they're just too passionate about, do you see that as a red flag, or just something you overlook b/c, "really, how important to breaking up the relationship is it--let them have this one thing?"


I can sometimes get like this, and even interrupt. But it's from enthusiasm, and something someone has said has made a thought or idea pop into my head and I have to get it out there before I forget it as I become engrossed in the rest of the conversation.

If it's based on enthusiasm, I think it's a good thing.

If, however, as Iam_RFSF2014 said:


someone who is SO 'right about everything' about their particular passion may skew towards 'being right about every subject',

then THAT'S a problem. If it's not the way they do it, or the way they see it, then it's flat out wrong. I'd go so far as to say that it's dysfunctional.

Hopefully, though, it's the former, and not the latter.
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