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 redGator22
Joined: 3/15/2014
Msg: 1
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I met a girl on this app and we chatted for a little while. I waited about a week to finally ask for her number. A few days later, I called her to see if she wanted to go to dinner and then movies. She said yes and from the sounds of her voice she was pretty excited. We were supposed to go on a Monday, but work kept her late. I understood and we rescheduled for Tuesday. Tuesday night, she tells me that her job is keeping her late but we could get a bite to eat later after she gets off. I never got a call back from her so I assumed she was no longer interested. Wednesday, late in the afternoon, she calls me saying how sorry she was and how she felt so bad. I was originally pissed at her and did not message her that whole day, but the fact that she called me meant that maybe she really did have shitty luck. I asked if she wanted to give it one more try and she agreed to catch dinner later that night. We kept in contact that whole night. But after work, she told me that she felt self conscious and tired and we should try again tomorrow. She told me that she was very sure that she would be done early from work. Annoyed but trying to be understanding, I agreed. That Thursday, I texted her. Nothing. I called her and still no reply. I made a few more sporadic attempts and did not get a single reply from her. I have been screwed in the dating game, but this plain sucks. Why would she call and apologize for standing me up only to do it again without even an apology or explanation? Am I getting catfished?Did she die or get hurt in an accident? Why would she put me through all this?
 NDTfan
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 2
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 4:34:09 PM

Why would she put me through all this?


She's not putting you through anything, you're putting yourself through it.

So why get so gut-wrenchingly upset over someone you barely know deciding they don't want you after you got all pissy and passive-aggressive over a rescheduled meet?
 redGator22
Joined: 3/15/2014
Msg: 3
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 4:38:53 PM
I never got pissy. I hid my annoyance with all the constant changes. I am annoyed at all the time that was wasted in all of this. She should have just not even called me back or just tell me no if she was not interested.
 SambaDeUmaNotaSo
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 4
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 5:07:33 PM
This girl that you like has things going on in her life. It could be work, it could be exhaustion, it could be another man, or other men. It could be anything. You will never know, unless she tells you. No point in conjecture.

The bottom line here is that she isn't keeping her word with you, for whatever the reason.

So, it's a good idea to stop pursuing her, and also to stop contacting her.

If she wants to see you, she can make the effort.

You're been patient, and you've done your part.

If she likes you, she will contact you, and she will propose that the two of you get together.

Until that happens (it might never happen), let this one go, and consider looking for a woman that has a different style as far as keeping commitments and maintaining communication.

Boa sorte!
 daysleeper5
Joined: 11/6/2009
Msg: 5
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 5:16:28 PM
Don't let NDT get under your skin. The man is always wrong in her eyes. Her only purpose on these forums is to put men down.

Back to your situation. There are several possible scenarios.

A. She's a flake
B. You were Plan B
C. Something better came along (in her mind)
D. All of the above

After the second blow-off, you should have moved on. It's almost always a bad sign when they cancel on the first date.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 6
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 5:40:10 PM
redGator22...that woman is a complete stranger. It might have even been five teenagers gathered around a computer.
Always remember this simple sentence when it comes to online dating: Nothing is real until you meet!
Dismiss her from your thoughts and simply move towards other people and interests. Good luck.
 redGator22
Joined: 3/15/2014
Msg: 7
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 6:00:35 PM
That quite possibly is the most the most mind numbing, idiotic, stupidest things that I have ever heard.
I never demanded anything from anybody. She had every right to not want to go out with whoever she wanted. I can take a simple rejection: I am not interested or sorry I have a boyfriend. I can hear that and I would move on peacefully. I was not planning to call her back after the first time, but she then called me. I was very patient and understanding with her work schedule. I tried to accommodate her. I hid my annoyance from her and continued to give her the benefit of the doubt. At the very least, call me or text me that she could not make it. If she was no longer interested, she could have just said NO I am not interested or just tell me No from the very beginning. But to completley ignore me and leave me hanging with no explanation and leaving me wondering what the heck happened was the thing that bothered me. I felt disrespected. To say that I demanded anything or that i controlled her is completely baseless and asinine.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 8
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 6:32:44 PM
Never communicate with her again. If she contacts you again, block her number.

Next time you exchange messages with a girl here:

- Ask for her number or to meet a lot sooner.
- When you get her number, call her soon, none of this few days nonsense.
- No dinner and certainly no movie. Do something you can enjoy alone in case she stands you up.
- Schedule the meet for a non - work day so she cannot use working late as an excuse. An ailing parent will be her most likely excuse.
- Keep looking online and in real life.
- If she cancels, don't keep giving her chances.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 7:18:28 PM

Don't let NDT get under your skin. The man is always wrong in her eyes. Her only purpose on these forums is to put men down.

I agree with NDT - and this isn't about gender. This is about someone getting way too upset over someone they didn't know and hadn't talked to long enough to get overly upset.

Also, people have lives. This woman may have totally wanted to meet him but wasn't in a position schedule wise to make it happen. It's happened to me several times - all that BS about making the time if you're interested is useless in a situation where you can't possibly know if you are interested because you haven't met.

Ya gotta have a thick skin to attempt to connect with people here. This is something that happens to everyone at least once, typically.
 redGator22
Joined: 3/15/2014
Msg: 10
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 8:05:24 PM
I never demanded anything from her. When you see someone that you talk to and you like, you ask them out on a date and that was what i did. I was always understanding of her work schedule and i gave her the benefit of the doubt. You are right. She owes me nothing and I knew that. If she did not like me, i would have kindly moved on. I have had girls tell me that they weren't interested and i never threw a stink about it. everybody has their own preferences. but if you know that you have no interest in said person and you have no desire to see that person, why would you call that person after you had blown them off the night before. What signal are you giving to that person? The first time she blew me off, i thought that she was trying to get out of the date and I was not going to force anybody to do something that they did not want to do. I took it as a sign that she was not interested and i was not going to bother again. i did not know what was going on. On top of that, making a plans with me( she chose Thursday at 4) and not only did she blow me off AGAIN after calling saying how bad she felt when she did it the last time, she did not even reply or call back. She left me wondering what the hell happened.

I know who i am and I am damn proud of who I am. I will make a good catch for somebody one day. If you don't want me to go out with me, that is all fine and dandy, but don't call my phone and make plans and leave me if you are not planning on following through. My time is precious and I have other things to do. That was rude and you know it. You would hate it if someone was playing mindgames with you and you know it. is it wrong to be asked to be treated with decency?
 MissBrattyPants
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 11
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 8:16:06 PM
Why would you continue to try and make plans with someone who blew you off repeatedly?

Personally, I wouldn't have bothered after being stood up AGAIN on Tuesday so you really have no one to blame but yourself.

Eric_Summit has some good advice. I strongly suggest you follow it or you will forever be disappointed by online dating.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 12
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 8:23:58 PM
She's not putting you through anything, you're putting yourself through it.


Totally disagree with this statement. You are treated the way you allow people to tread you. I give women with this crap one chance, after that they have to jump hoops to make it happen, they have to make the move. If they don't, fvck off b i t ch.

Without getting nasty, you need to set the parameters of what it means to get together. Maybe, you need to tell her "Hey, sounds to me that you have too many issues. Look, when I make an appointment, I keep it. If you can't keep it, then we are not going to work out."

Sometimes, you have to put women in their place as to what you're going to tolerate or not. Also, what type of statement this makes, if for some ridiculous reason you two work out. You make reservations for dinner, and at the last moment she cancels because her dog looked at her funny.

If I were you I would say, "Okay, let's try it tomorrow at this time. And look let's try to make the best of this." When she cancels, because she will, you tell her "have a great life. We're not going to work out."

And move on from this manipulative s h it.


I know who i am and I am damn proud of who I am. I will make a good catch for somebody one day. If you don't want me to go out with me, that is all fine and dandy, but don't call my phone and make plans and leave me if you are not planning on following through. My time is precious and I have other things to do. That was rude and you know it. You would hate it if someone was playing mindgames with you and you know it. is it wrong to be asked to be treated with decency?


Well said, now tell it to her.
 daysleeper5
Joined: 11/6/2009
Msg: 13
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 9:23:15 PM

Also, people have lives. This woman may have totally wanted to meet him but wasn't in a position schedule wise to make it happen.


Well, here's a thought then: You don't make plans during the work week! She agreed to meet up with him on FOUR different days and canceled on all of them. (Totally blowing him off on the last one) If that sounds normal to you, then I'm guessing there's some guy out there complaining about you, too. I've never heard of any person (either gender) who broke plans on four straight occasions with someone that really interested them.

She effed with him big time and if it was done to me, I would have dropped a wave of F-bombs on her voice mail like it was an ISIS training camp. Either you have dignity or you don't. For the OP's sake, I hope it was just a bored teenager's prank.

InnerGorilla: +100 on your entire post. :)
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 14
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 10:34:44 PM
Redgator22:

She doesn't owe you a damned thing.

The fact that you're so annoyed about someone whom you've not met is indicative of a controlling personality.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 15
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/23/2014 10:43:54 PM
Why? - it could be any one of 1,000 reasons, so what? Good, sane people who really like you don't break dates. Talk to another girl and don't worry about it.
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 16
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/24/2014 4:51:07 AM
Frankly, I just don't bother with people who never answer their phone, check their messages or reply to texts or e-mail - but call only when they want to see you.

It's just unspeakably rude. If their ears are closed to you, why bother speaking to them?

Yes, there are lots of things that can disrupt one or two contacts now and then. But a regular policy of only initiating contact and never responding is abusive and disrespectful. Right up there with always being late because you would rather let other people wait that do any waiting yourself.
ED BEAR
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 17
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/24/2014 6:50:45 AM
Sounds like she did want to meet you and wanted to do it right away, instead of setting up a date she knew would be more feasible. After work (if that's what it was) got in the way twice she might have been 1) frustrated and thinking "this just isn't working already" 2) embarrassed at not following through 3) sensed something from your reactions that wasn't appealing to her.

Not answering was wrong, IMO and discourteous. Some people just have avoidance personalities, or perhaps, if in the case that she sensed something that bothered her about your reactions, didn't want to say so or say something else that might be hurtful (like, "I'm not interested"). She could just use ignoring as her answer to awkward situations or situations she doesn't want to be in, no matter who (or both) contributed to it.

 redGator22
Joined: 3/15/2014
Msg: 18
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/24/2014 7:29:44 AM
Eternityboresme..... You don't know what the hell you are talking about and you obviously did not read the whole thing or understand what the heck is going on. Feel free to close your mouth.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 19
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/24/2014 7:36:32 AM


She's not putting you through anything, you're putting yourself through it.

Totally disagree with this statement. You are treated the way you allow people to tread you. I give women with this crap one chance, after that they have to jump hoops to make it happen, they have to make the move. If they don't, fvck off b i t ch.

Sounds to me like you're saying the same thing. He kept talking to her. That's not on her that's on him. There are people who will keep doing the same thing to you if you keep allowing it - that's the same as putting yourself through it.

Well, here's a thought then: You don't make plans during the work week! She agreed to meet up with him on FOUR different days and canceled on all of them. (Totally blowing him off on the last one) If that sounds normal to you, then I'm guessing there's some guy out there complaining about you, too. I've never heard of any person (either gender) who broke plans on four straight occasions with someone that really interested them.

Again - I may totally want to meet someone but haven't yet. In that case I don't know how interested I am since they are someone I am just e-mailing with. Yes - people I don't have established interest for will get put aside for the schedule I already have.

Once I meet someone I know I want to spend time with the priority changes. Granted I will usually invite someone to somewhere I am already going so that it's convenient for me before I've met them. Others will still attempt to build a meeting around a stranger instead, which can cause cancellations and stand ups when up against things like work and people you already know you like hanging out with.

She effed with him big time and if it was done to me, I would have dropped a wave of F-bombs on her voice mail like it was an ISIS training camp. Either you have dignity or you don't. For the OP's sake, I hope it was just a bored teenager's prank.

He allowed it. He could have taken it less seriously the second, third or fourth time but he didn't. Expecting everyone else to do things your way (especially on the internet) is a losing battle. Easier to cut people off early on who can't meet (for whatever reason) and take it all less personally if you want to be less stressed about it.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 20
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/24/2014 7:39:38 AM
GUess we have the answer to why she jammed
I agree - don't spend any more time wondering why - if time is precious then don't waste it.
OLD, nature of the Beast.
Also don't take out your anger at her ( and you are sounding angry) at others
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 21
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/24/2014 7:49:12 AM
Well... I don't think that you're whining and I DO think that you deserve the courtesy of an explanation....Are you ACTUALLY going to get one? Probably NOT!! Not everybody has good manners....I don't mean that she has to give you a LENGTHY and DETAILED explanation, but SOMETHING would be nice...
I wouldn't dwell on it though, if I were you...I WOULD pay attention though, in case she contacts you again...as she is "showing you" who she IS...
Just move on and go where you're wanted and find someone that has the time for you...Good luck!
 likepeas
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 22
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/25/2014 4:15:34 AM
"Nothing is real until you meet" -------> Oh how so true!
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 23
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/25/2014 6:13:07 AM
OP, my best advice is that you let go of the idea that you'll ever fully understand WHY people behave the way they do.

There are SO many threads on here from posters who want someone else to help them decode 'motive' of someone who has let them down.

I used to struggle a lot with that as well -- but I've found that all that really matter is how a person behaves and whether or not their behavior 'works' for me.

A recent example:

I have a male 'friend' who has claimed he wanted to explore us giving 'dating' another shot. We'd gone out a couple years ago, it hadn't worked but we'd kept in touch. Well? He cancelled twice on me last week - both times the day of. Cancelled Thursday (claiming a work situation), wanted to reschedule for Friday. OK - one night 'too busy at work' I get that. But then? He cancelled Friday late afternoon saying he hoped we could reschedule for Sat. I just told him no, I had plans and we've had no contact since.

Instead of getting mad/frustrated about it, I was almost amused and I also remembered 'oh yes, this is why I didn't want to date him, he's unreliable'. That doesn't make him a horrible person but it makes him a person whose behavior doesn't match what works for me. If he does get back in touch (as is his MO) at some point, I'll just say 'no thanks'.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 24
I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 9/25/2014 10:50:53 AM

Sounds to me like you're saying the same thing. He kept talking to her. That's not on her that's on him. There are people who will keep doing the same thing to you if you keep allowing it - that's the same as putting yourself through it.


WomanInProgress,

Damn, you're right. Good point. LOL.
 redGator22
Joined: 3/15/2014
Msg: 25
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I am very confused and trying to understand why this happened?
Posted: 10/15/2014 2:06:16 PM
Your right. I will never know why she pulled what she pulled. It is what is.

Sleeper5, your a good dude
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