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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 3
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Dead end relationshipPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
It is ok for a relationship to run its course and be over. If you are not married, have no children and do not live together than un-coupling should be fairly easy. No point on dragging out misery.
If you do not feel as if she is making enough effort or not making the realtionship a priority then you need to talk to one another, and don't do it when you are arguing, do it in a calm moment. Say "Mary I am concerned that we are not getting on as well as we did 6 months ago, can I do anything to help make things better for us?"
Either she is going to want to improve things or not.
If not, then you tried your best and walk away. They are better things out there if you want them.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 4
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 9:14:20 AM
You will have to sit down with her and tell her the relationship as it is right now, is not working for you. Be prepared to be specific on the issues making you unhappy.

If she wants this relationship, she will make an effort to make it work. If nothing changes after you two talk, you have to choose...either to accept things as they are or to leave. Staying and biatching about it after the fact is not a great option for either of you.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 5
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 10:00:32 AM
If you're really sick of it, end it.
 lelenc1
Joined: 9/10/2014
Msg: 8
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 10:55:20 AM
I have no advice. Only the observation that much like being a control freak in a relationship cuts both ways, self-centredness cuts both ways too.

Nothing to do about it. Here's the advice: since you both have issues only around one thing, and since you have a deep connection, you designate one room in your house with your effigi and a baseball bat, and inother room, her effigi and a baseball bat.

You can't go to the room with your effigi in it, and she can't go to the room with hers.

===================

Problem solved.

This is an old trick from Japanese management techniques, in factories, where each group of workers had a room with the boss's effingigi in it, and a baseball bat, (in Japanese, Harahitoyokomoto Tashanishimakuto), and productivity swung up like crazy.

0000000000000

I would also advise for the two of you to take a ten-minute break each hour of infighting and passive aggression, and do calisthenics and breathing exercises together. Does wonders for any marriage.

----------------------------------

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with a relationship, only that sex is becoming boring for one partner or the other. And they take it out on the partner with passive aggression, or with stepping up the controlfreaking, or with becoming self-centred. If it is indeed the sex that's a problem, then buy a kama sutra, and do it for ten minutes, then go out and make a sandwitch, then come back and do it some more, and stop and go read the paper for a while,then go back to her in bed, and get off of her after a while again, and do some sudoku. This will guarantee a long-lasting happiness in bed for ever, but you can expect her to exclaim in the forebeginnings, "John, what the....? you fvck like a Japanese car factory assemblyman."
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 9
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 11:51:19 AM
It's making me crazy and the fact that I can't seem to say screw it is making me look like a weak man. She does this, I fly off the handle, say mean stuff. I try to make it better but then I get ignored only to sit and get more annoyed.


It's easy to say fvck it. It takes balls to come back to the table and talk. One of the most powerful tools of the abuser is abandonment. It causes more damage than even physical abuse. The reason why you don't seem to be able or deep inside walk away, is because you're emotionally invested in this relationship and to walk away, without trying to make it work, would bring to you immense emotional pain. NOt only to you, but perhaps her as well.

But notice that you said also that you fly off the handle, you say mean stuff, then you try or pretend to make it better. What you have not realized is that the problem is not her, but you. There's a saying that therapist like to tell their patients that goes "There are no innocent bystanders." The problem is that you have a battle of egos and neither one is willing to come to the middle. Many of her needs are not being met. Many of your needs are not being met either. So both of you come stumping at each other demanding their needs to be met, but not willing to do for the other what they need. Or when doing something, feeling no gratification for the effort, thus retreating even deeper into a place of indifference, where eventually the relationship will DIE.

So, you need to sit down, and start a dialogue. Set the rules first. No nastiness, not final words. And whatever you ask of one, the other will also have to go through the same. Start by asking "What can I do to make you happy?" Listen to what she has to say. Do not interrupt. Then repeat those things to HER. Then she needs to ask you the same question and be willing to repeat it back to you. Without arguing, or fighting.

Keep the exercise on positives not negatives. And be willing to talk about everything, including intimacy, house chores, sex. She may tell you that it would make her happier if you took the garbage out more often, helped her with the dishes, held hands more often. You may tell her that you want her to also initiate sex more often, that spend some time watching some shows together, or give you more words of encouragement.

Start communicating, then you will find out that what she wants is not that bad, and she will find out that what you want is not that bad.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 10
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 12:53:31 PM
Perhaps the reason you'd bail so quick before...is due to being self-centered yourself? If so, maybe that's the connection you feel here--both of you are at the same levels, and it makes you feel comfortable to be at that level, now that you've found someone who runs their life the same way.

the problem, of course, is this time you're the target of it, instead of someone else being the target of it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 2:21:35 PM
ONE side of the story here only.

All I can give is my instant impression.

OP: you are entirely self-centered. Not self_ISH, that's different. Self-centered, as in you are entirely aware ONLY of yourself and your own desires and hungers. You genuinely believe that what you want and perceive and do, is 100% of what the world requires from anyone, as well as from any couple. Therefore, when your mate asks for anything you didn't have on your own list, you consider them to be extravagant, illogical, and demanding. Since you perceive all of your OWN desires and hungers to be basic to everyone, you don't recognize your own incessant stubbornness for what it is.

In the very old days, at least in fictional marriages, it was considered normal and basic for the husband to be served dinner as soon as he came home, no questions asked. At the same time, if a woman came home from her own work and asked that the husband cook a meal on occasion, she was thought to be insanely demanding. While you've given no details to know if that exact scenario applies to you, everything you HAVE said, gives me the impression that something like that is what is going on.

Up until now, when you've been in relationships, the other person has always been quite willing for you to leave, as soon as you became aware that they had their own concerns, which you were entirely unwilling to think of as anything but nonsense. This time, the woman is actually working to try to cajole you into opening your awareness of the real world enough to start to understand that you ARE asking for 100% cooperation FROM her, while refusing to even recognize that you refuse to give ANY cooperation TO her.

The reason why you feel "stuck," and "caught in a dead end relationship" with this person, is because she isn't following your script. She is SUPPOSED to become increasingly abrasive until you up and dump her, as previous women did, so that you can feel completely justified in doing so. But this one isn't becoming rude or mean about her concerns, she is trying to work through things with you. Since part of your self-centered world, requires that you maintain a positive impression of yourself as a reasonable and logical person, the fact that she wont play the jerk, kills your ability to blame her entirely for the end of things. I confirm THIS bit, from your statement that " the fact that I can't seem to say screw it is making me look like a weak man."

I would guess that although you are not completely Autistic or Aspergers, that you are still on one end of the spectrum. You aren't CONTROLLING, per se, it's more that you have no ability to recognize that there are more kinds of people than yourself, so you expect everyone to live and make do with what you live and make do with.

Either you find a way to break out of your narrow view of existence, or you will repeat your story again and again. The challenge is, that since you are SO convinced that you already know everything about the world, you might not be able to realize that you are partially socially blind.
 lelenc1
Joined: 9/10/2014
Msg: 12
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/24/2014 4:31:09 PM
^ according to this, I am very self-centred... but I call it inwardly turning.

It is okay now, for other people, because I live like a hermit, I communicate face-to-face or on the phone with others for about half hour each month, end-to-end.

But I am not happy. It's not so much fun to be self-centred when you are by yourself. I am downright lonely. Nobody to show off how self-centred I am.

I am actually getting clinically depressed about it. And my psychiatrist doesn't give a damn -- in fact, he keeps on reducing the frequency between appointments. He detests me, and can't stand hearing me speak.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 13
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/25/2014 8:32:48 PM
Sounds like a dead end relationship, wait that was the title.

Seriously though, just ditch her, selfish women tend to forget where they came from.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 14
Dead end relationship
Posted: 9/26/2014 12:25:51 PM
Igor,
from one small paragraph you have diagnosed the OP as, “although you are not completely Autistic or Aspergers, that you are still on one end of the spectrum”. How can you even begin to authentically qualify this statement?

Op, imo, you have not given sufficient information as to your circumstances; not even in response to the advice that has been offered to you. As to your short version of the problems in your relationship; you seem incapable of genuine communication. Your solution has always been to bolt as soon as expectations are required of you from your significant other.
 awesomefiftyman
Joined: 12/1/2014
Msg: 15
And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/26/2014 11:42:21 AM
Yes, dead, very dead indeed.

So let's move on and examine all the different relationships and how they came to be?
 awesomefiftyman
Joined: 12/1/2014
Msg: 16
And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/26/2014 11:45:29 AM
Given the fact that POF has the Gestapo Thought Police stomping out threads that they "feel" are not up to "their" standards, we will change the channel on this thread because..... it is.....DEAD.

from Captain Fantastic
smart man + smart woman = romance
smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
dumb man + smart woman = affair
dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

This is way too simple and vague, as stated by CTRLvector.
So let's stroll down "First-order logic" lane and discuss all the possibilities.





;)
 TerrieLynnC70
Joined: 6/22/2013
Msg: 17
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And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/28/2014 2:11:34 PM

smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy


That has GOT to be the DUMBEST statement I have ever read............it takes 2 to tango.............
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 18
And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/28/2014 2:23:13 PM
Think of where the stupid comment came from and it will make more sense to you.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 19
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And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/28/2014 2:39:06 PM
@igor...

Will you marry me????!!!! LOL

But seriously, I can recognize a well-thought out response to a question and you never fail me, my friend....

I'm with igor...she's not "playing true to form" as you're used to....

Deal with it!!!!

Maybe you'll grow and leave this pattern behind and have a real, grown-up relationship....where BOTH of your needs are considered and met to the best of your abilities...
You are ALSO allowed to go outside of the relationship and get your needs met by friends and family.
I applaud her for NOT allowing her needs to be pushed to the back burner so to speak, and continuing to make them a priority...as long as she is meeting YOUR needs...that's ALL that I see going on here....
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 20
And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/28/2014 2:43:16 PM
None of the above makes any sense at all. Too simple and vague?? Stupid in my opinion.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 21
And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/28/2014 3:17:49 PM
May I ask specifics of her self centredness?

Is she asking you to commit to marriage?
Phone before you come around?
Make plans ahead of time?
Spend time with her and her family over Christmas?
Wanting to put her toothbrush in your spot?
Insisting on the toilet seat being put down?
Insisting that you pay half the rent?
Wanting you to paint the ceiling instead of going fishing?
Wanting to have you pleasure her in bed?

What?

What does she want you to do that is unreasonable?
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 22
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And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/28/2014 7:59:17 PM
smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy


That has GOT to be the DUMBEST statement I have ever read............it takes 2 to tango.............


That's why he put in the "plus" sign.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 23
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And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/29/2014 11:42:28 PM
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ why this cracked me up is beyond me^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 24
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Dead end relationship
Posted: 12/29/2014 11:49:47 PM
o.p you guys need counselling, if you feel that that would be more trouble than its worth... you should probably split up.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 25
And now for something completely different
Posted: 12/29/2014 11:55:56 PM
The logic is sound.

A smart man gets a dumb women pregnant, therefore he is smart; which also denotes the stupidity of the women.

Why?

Because, that's why.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 27
And now for something completely different
Posted: 1/2/2015 11:38:59 PM
I thought you were reasonably intelligent CTRLvector but this comment makes no sense at all.
and again it is "woman" not "women". It is like there are two different people posting with you.
 1OdDmAnOuT2
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 28
And now for something completely different
Posted: 1/2/2015 11:49:59 PM
I will state with absolute certainty that I speak only for myself. Give me the benefit of the doubt. I am no psychopath with a god complex. I leave that to those people with passive aggressive behaviour. You cannot validate your assumptions anymore than I can calculate your next manipulative response.

I will leave you to your thoughts and the notion that I have relatively nothing to gain by posing as myself. Such antics would be perceived as lunatic fringe at best and and associated with cowardly, insecure and idiotic inferiority complex at worst.
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