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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?      Home login  
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
One technique might be to reduce the volume of temptation in your life. POF for starters.
Make it very, Very, VERY clear that you have a boyfriend in your POF profile narrative.

After you do that, hide and/or remove all of your photographs.
Then update your inbound message settings so that nobody can contact you.

There is also the possibility that you will never be devoted to your partner forever. Online or real life.
That may happen. Become comfortable with the notion you might occasionally enjoy the sensation of a new man.

Keep in mind that you might mesh best with a guy who periodically likes a fresh new woman, too.
It really does take all types to keep the world spinning. Good luck with your relationships.
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 3
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 6:03:47 PM

Just like everything else; there are genetic pre-dispositions for what some pple are inclined to do(or not do)
In your case, you were obviously pre-conditioned by your mom's behavior
even though you did not like what you witnessed; you now realize that it may not take much for you to cross that line, possibly because you may share in that trait.

But unlike your mom, you have uneasy feelings about being "unfaithful" because something in you is overriding that inclination. Locked away somewhere in your subconscious mind, there is a part of you that is resisting that temptation,
and it does so by reminding you of the hurt you felt when your mom was cheating on your dad.

Yours is a good example on how we humans can (if we try) to overcome our ingrained inclinations (whether by genetic endowment or indoctrination). If your boyfriend is a "keeper" then hang in there, and fight the good fight!

Don't let anybody convince you to do something you will later regret!!!
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 4
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 6:05:30 PM
Silent Ink- At least you are honest about it.
Physiologically speaking, there are reasons why it isn't easy to be faithful.
There is the issue or hormones, you are young and the younger you are the more hormones you have.
Then there is the fact that it's in our genes to seek out multiple partners because doing so means survival of the human race.
Then there is your mother's behavior that you witnessed growing up, that influenced you on a psychological level.
The good news is...........
There is a lot of research available for you to look up concerning cognitive retraining of your brain.
The more you do something or think something, the more automatic it becomes.
When you are tempted to cheat, recognize it and force yourself to remember that you DON'T want to cheat.
It will take time, but you can shut out the desire to cheat.
I got married at 20 and was full of hormones too (one reason NOT to get married at that age, but that is another thread).
I was raised not to cheat, so the thought pattern was already started.
I recognized that I was attracted to other men and I was tempted, but the more I told my self "don't go there", the easier it got.
When we divorced after 21 years, I had to do the opposite.
My flirt indicator was just off. I have had to work on realizing that I'm single and it's ok to flirt, or to even recognize that someone is flirting with me.
It's a process, but the fact that you WANT to be faithful is a start.
Good luck :)
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 5
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 7:23:59 PM
Yes op, you are honest and if your BF had any balls, he would tell you good luck and get the hell out of there. We all have choices and feelings and you have yours. For anyone to date someone that has to have major "restraints", I would question them. I really don't question your feelings because they are how YOU feel. If anything , I might question if you are ready to date, which I think not. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. Good luck.
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 6
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 7:36:46 PM
I have no idea....why some have problems with staying faithful and others don't.
I always looked at as a choice or want and a belief in good morals.
I wouldn't want it done to me so, I couldn't see doing it to another....imo. seems to be something that is hard to control with some people...I would ask "why" bother to have a S.O. then?
Stay what you want....promises are not broken to anyone and maybe....just maybe you will out grow it...idk.
Or you just might find that one person you adore/love.... that cheats on you and then you will know how much it hurts.
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 7
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 7:58:02 PM
Men are not naturally monogamous and some women also. Men are wired to have as many sexual partners as possible and if they stay faithful it is out of fear, lack of opportunity or loyalty to their partners.

Fantasy and reality are two different things and everyone dreams about other people I am sure. That is natural. Men will say they are faithful of course when they are not. In my experience it is the men that have been cheated on, as much as the other way around.

Whilst we are "in love" we are less likely to stray but that state does not last and if lucky it deepens into a more realistic love without all the hormonal buzz to skew the brain.
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 8
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 8:55:53 PM

Men are not naturally monogamous and some women also. Men are wired to have as many sexual partners as possible and if they stay faithful it is out of fear, lack of opportunity or loyalty to their partners.

- The other things you said are very true, but this quote above is a myth. I see you have bought into this popular lie men tell, many women have. The main reason men cheat is because their intuition is not typically as good as women... many men confuse fantasy thinking with reality too often when it comes to relationships. They fantasize about a woman and believe they should live out their fantasy. Also, they read stuff like this on a message board, from a woman. Plus, Jerry Springer says it's okay, he'll pay for the shrink and you can fix it (trust can be rebuilt sometimes, but it's a big gamble, more than half the time the woman leaves him).

The main reason women cheat is for revenge - when they fall out of love with their boyfriend or husband.
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 10
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 9:24:33 PM
You might need to employ manual techniques to take the edge off prior to leaving your home each day.
That might save you from a coffee meeting with a fellow yoga practitioner from turning into something else.

In any case the practical thing to do temporarily would be to take the notion of marriage off the table for now.
The other good news is many of us in our society eventually find someone to whom we are magnetically attracted.

I have been blessed to have that occur in my life and it is a wonderful thing.
Keep your fingers crossed and hope for good luck in perhaps finding that person.
Joined: 10/17/2014
Msg: 11
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 9:46:08 PM
"I've been in this relationship for awhile, we have been through quite a bit together. I might not be ready for a relationship as some of you said; but I am also in full denial about it at the moment if that's the truth. I know I want kids down the line for example and I want to be married. So for me to be single and act out on every single urge I get would be a huge step back in my opinion. I am trying hard to do the exact opposite and not give in to my promiscuity if you will, because again I want to be a better person. If I ruin this relationship and go along with all my urges I would end up being with quite a bit of men, and that is not something I would want for myself."

I get where you're coming from, OP. But, at the same time, you do realize you're not being fair to your current BF, right? I mean, essentially staying with him because you're scared of what you might do if you were single, isn't a reason to be in a relationship (And, I'm not saying you don't care about him). Staying with someone for the wrong reasons, isn't only unhealthy for you, but for him too. By holding onto him, you're preventing him from moving on.

Do you honestly think you can suppress these feelings indefinitely? My guess is, they're only going to intensify. You should re-evaluate your current relationship and examine why you're with him. I'm thinking it's not so much of your past that's igniting this itch, but more you're just not currently satisfied with all aspects of your current relationship and therefore looking elsewhere. Unless of course this has always been an issue in your relationships? Or, is it just this one?
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 12
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 9:47:37 PM
I don't understand where you're coming from because I've never been tempted to cheat in my life.

I also don't get how you (general you meaning people who feel the same) can simultaneously expect a relationship and act like you're single. You have to decide which is more important to you, because trying to walk the tightrope is going to end up in some very hurt feelings for your partners. And that's a very disgusting thing to put another human being through; nobody else should suffer for trusting you just because you can't figure your sh*t out.
Joined: 10/12/2014
Msg: 13
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/21/2014 10:24:31 PM

I quite honestly don't talk and haven't really talked to any one on here. Me specifically searching for profiles would be me looking for trouble.

Having said that I don't understand why you're here. You don't want trouble yet you invite it by being here. Is your boyfriend also on POF and looking for friends with other ladies? Just a question for thought.

Though when I come across someone who I feel a connection to and the attraction is very strongly present; it becomes very hard to think rationally.

We wouldn't be human if we disregarded attraction to the opposite sex. Acting upon it in the name of lust, however is a different story. Lust fades like any novelty does and when the fire is burnt out you come back to reality and pick up the pieces. Unfortunately some of those pieces are charcoal and cannot be fixed.

What I'm trying to say here is; if one really loves their partner they know they look but not touch. Let your love strengthen you therefore give you confidence and completeness. x
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 14
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 4:10:33 AM

What do old people always say to young people? Follow your heart.

Don't think there's much of that going on here.... LOL Sounds more like hormones to me....

At any the OP...

You're young and full of racing hormones...understandable, BUT,if you want to cheat then I suggest that you remove yourself from your relationship and go out and have FUN!!!

If you're anything like I was at your age then there is the almost constant "high" from all of the attention as well as the possibilities, and really you should explore what is out there before committing to anyone...
Not just sexually, but what "emotional cheating" indicates to me is either a very real dissatisfaction with your partner and/or a desire on your part to explore what may be available to you...elsewhere.

Hey, you actually may find someone better for you OR you may discover that it's all just an illusion and like chasing the carrot on a stick that you never QUITE catch...

Either way,if you are in love with someone then it's really not difficult to stay faithful...and you WILL end up hurting him if you continue trying to control these urges and not figure out why they are there....
Good luck!!!
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 4:58:39 AM
I disagree with almost everyone who has posted so far. Well, not with NDTfan, I'm basically the same way.

My primary defect, is thinking deeply about everything, and carefully examining my existence. So I know that the reason why anyone does or doesn't do anything, is because that's what they want to do.

If you have trouble being faithful, it's because you don't want to be so. Exactly why, actually isn't best described as "how you were raised," because that notion is based on the false idea that parents can successfully program children in a one-sided way. In reality, even the most thorough programming requires the interaction and cooperation of the person being programmed, to some degree. What happens with most people, is that they start out gathering in child-level understandings of what the world is trying to teach them, and as they age, they gradually adjust and reteach themselves a more nuanced, adult version of everything.

If you aren't sure why you do or don't exhibit a given behavior you think you should, it's usually because you haven't put in the work to figure out exactly why you are doing each thing you do. Most of the people I've known who didn't want to be faithful, thought of BEING faithful as a sacrifice, or a price they were paying like a bribe. Being faithful to anything or anyone, however, is only real and functional, if it's the RESULT of all the other decisions they've made about themselves, and about life, and about their chosen mate.

If you act faithful just to please your mate, or because you see it as a societal requirement, sooner or later everything will fall apart. You have to be faithful because that is what makes YOU feel respect for yourself. You literally don't see temptations, because you aren't having sex with your mate simply to entertain yourself with endorphins, you do it because being with your mate makes you feel good about you, as a person.

I have seen many things in people, which seem to be more likely genetically programmed and physiological than they are psychological, but I've never seen faithfulness as that. I suppose that if the brain structure required to think things through isn't present, then that would qualify as a biological reason for cheating, but beyond that, I'll need a lot more convincing. Personally, I think that if someone can think well enough to ask the question, they can probably think well enough to make the decisions and find the answers.
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 16
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 5:55:20 AM
I'm a lot older than you are, and went through both, infidelity and fidelity in stages. In my 20's I was in a LTR in which I and my BF were unfaithful to each other. Looking back on it, I see that he did not treat me well and was not meeting my needs. I should have left that relationship sooner.

Maybe your current BF is not meeting your needs. Do you have passion? Is he also your best friend? Does he treat you well? You call him "my person" in your joint photo on your profile. That strikes me as odd. If you are only on here for the forums, why not use that photo as your main one and title it as "Me with my awesome BF." You mention getting married and having children some day. Do you want to do that with him? If yes, obviously change is in order. If you don't envision marriage and kids with him, then you shouldn't be in the relationship, because you would be wasting time.

After I left that LTR, I met, married, remained faithful, and had a child with someone else, (who has since passed away). I resolved to never be unfaithful again as I understood how much chaos and pain infidelity causes. Infidelity starts a chain reaction of events that no one is in control of. You have no idea of how your life can be impacted.

If men are asking you out, you are sending signals that you are available. Your clothing, body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and small talk can all say "I'm interested and available" Based on the photos in your profile, I think you are probably doing that. Just like some people have to learn how to send out these signals, you may have to learn how NOT to send out these signals. That doesn't mean being unfriendly or unattractive, it means being friendly but not flirtatious. I had to learn flirting again after many years. I know it's working because often a man I'm talking to will work into the conversation a mention of his wife or GF. He's picked up that I'm available and looking, and wants to let me know in a friendly and not insulting manner that he is NOT available. Do you ever let the men you interact with know that you have a BF? If you don't do that, maybe your current BF is not really a match for you, maybe you are on the watch for a replacement. If that's what you are doing, instead you should break up with him, doing him a favor, and then go looking for someone else who is a better match.

Bottom line, do you want to keep this BF? If yes, you have to act like it.
Do you want a happy and stable married life some day? Become a stable and trustworthy person then.
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 17
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 8:36:40 AM
Because they've had to many sexual partners so they think everyone is disposable. That is how people date now get use to it . . . NEXT.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 8:38:14 AM
Not having healthy parental relationships to learn from makes it harder to form proper attachments as an adult. But that does not mean you should just throw up your hands and say 'I'm my Mother's daughter'. You can be whatever kind of adult and partner you choose to be. Perhaps a good therapist would help. But right now neither you nor your BF seem to have the tools needed to forge a healthy relationship.
You can work to fix the problem now, or spend the rest of your life living an unsatisfied life. Being faithful is a matter of choice.
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 19
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 9:01:41 AM

Do you think it has something to do with a persons value system and the way they were brought up? The thing is my mom was the one cheating on my dad in their marriage,

I don't know. It's a matter of principle. My dad cheated on my mom a lot. It bothered me a lot about his persona. So while I was single, I played around a lot. But when I got in a relationship, I've never, ever cheated.

That does not mean that I cannot see a beautiful woman and think how delicious it would be to make love to her. It simply means that I do not go there.

And one more thing. I think that actions speak louder than words. So if I was your boyfriend I would ask you. Have you cheated before? And if the answer is yes. We would not last. Period. We could move into a fvck buddy thing, but we would not be in an exclusive relationship. Actions, actions, actions.

Everything else is b u ll sh it.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 20
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 9:10:23 AM
the idea that its the man who spreads his seed, also generally comes from the notion that in general, a woman is more of a social creature, building social contacts, in comparison to "man, the lonely hunter". But in the end, it comes out of a belief system--rarely does one cheat in one field, but in others. It may be a desire to not let an opportunity go, it may be a desire to be wanted by as many people as possible b/c one's parents weren't too loving or were self-centered, but likely it has to do with putting onself, first, and the ways to do so, come second.

I remember a convo with a stranger once in St.John the Devine Cathedral in NYC (big place, I guess size makes ya philosophical about life :) ) about separating temptation from life. I theorized that for some, temptation IS life. If you lack healthy passions/pursuits to make you "feel alive", then there's always tempation. There's a quote about that, something about allowing temptation to stick around a little bit rather than getting rid of it fully. Kinda like the person who can't "just have one drink" yet always does, and viola, they become an alcoholic. better they found something to do other than "try just one" at a party.

As much as we despise the weakness in our parents (or in others--if we aren't at peace with the weakness in ourselves, usually by learning to avoid temptation by going elsewhere, then how can we be at peace with the human-ness we see in other people?), maybe b/c they ARE our parents and are supposed to be strong...we tend to follow their path IF we don't find an alternative. We saw them follow a path, they seemed to get away with doing so (b/c they were pretty, b/c they had encouraging friends, b/c their spouse was weak), and so we, it sorta worked for them.

In my life, I figured out quick, if I approached a situation, figured out what my self-centered father would do, and then do the opposite...i had real good odds of doing the right thing. so, I figured out what the alternate path was. I didn't want to do the mistakes my father made over and over. Then again, I knew I didn't have the looks or friends or siblings to get away with it :) whatever I did, I was left with the outcome, so it better be a smart one. A good friend of mine, on the other hand, is 55 and is still bad with money--she owes one sister alone $8,000. But she HAS a sister to owe. I don't HAVE the option, so I don't TAKE the option.

Frankly, the majority of people know what's right and wrong. BUT, they also know what feels good. There is a diff between what feels good in the short run, and what feels good in the long run. Many chose the short run, few chose the long run. Sometimes, its a matter of self respect--the friend I mentioned above, she's embarassed she owes, yet she still keeps doing it. Sometimes, its a matter of options. Of course, we're talking about actions here--some people do think, do plan, but refuse to carry out.
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 21
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 9:44:39 AM
The big question that everyone is dancing around is: are you in love?
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 22
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 12:30:10 PM
Just to clarify I am not even as much talking about physical cheating, but emotional cheating more so.

To me this simply means that you do not love him. I can have physical lust. I can look at a woman and imagine in my head all sorts of things that I would do to her. I do not pursue physically because I am in a relationship with an awesome woman. Then I can met other women, but emotionally there's not even a question or possibility to emotionally go there. That belongs to only one person and that person only. To betray that is to betray myself. It's to lie to myself that what I feel is true and honest.

So to me, it sounds like you have protected yourself emotionally from truly connecting with your boyfriend. You are leaving an emotional door open. When someone leaves an emotional door open, people realize that they have one foot in the relationship and the other foot elsewhere. The partner of such person then becomes mistrustful and starts to detach and they themselves start to open other doors. It's a very toxic and destructive thing because rips apart two of the fundamental elements of what constitutes love, and that is TRUST and vulnerability.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 12:32:45 PM
A big factor in whether a guy will be faithful or cheat is if the woman he's thinking of cheating with has a boyfriend or husband who's a bad-ass who owns guns.
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 24
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 4:06:32 PM
OP - I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you put an end to your current relationship and go and indulge in these desires you find yourself having such a hard time making a moral decision about.

From the clues I saw on your profile such as these examples and apart from your suggestive pictures: " If you live in my area though we can always be friends", or "By all means though if you want to be friends I always welcome that." and also the last picture of you and presumably your boyfriend but in which you label him as your "person" and not your "significant other".

It's apparent that you are well endowed on the top end and bottom end and have a pretty face to boot, and I'm without a doubt sure that this brings you an onslaught of attention from the opposite sex which to some extent is desired from you but also expected and encouraged.

What you are doing is playing games. Not only are you playing games with yourself, but you are playing games with emotions of your boyfriend. The fact that you have even the notion of having to question your abilities to be faithful and act in a manner as such obviously means that you are not ready for a committed relationship of any sort.

Furthermore, with your notable assets I'm going to presume that you probably have crossed that line to some degree. And I'll also assume that the poor schmuck that you have as your boyfriend isn't providing what you are looking for from a guy.

It would only be fair to you and your soon to be ex-boyfriend to break it off and go get all of that strange c.o.c.k that you fantasize about and find yourself struggling to turn down.

No offense girl, but it's not admirable to be a cheater, nor is it becoming to have to question your motives at every wink of an eye or suggestive smile from the cute client you've been training with....

Just my $.02
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 26
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 5:56:34 PM
AstroCat505 raises some good and valid points.
In terms of crystallizing things...a good step is to refer to the guy as your boyfriend and not as your person.

Have you considered putting your profile into "hidden" mode yet?
That would also be good commitment training.

I see what you're saying with your follow-up message with regard to "surrendering" to be in bed with another man.
At the same time, you seem to also have one-foot-out-the-door with the way your profile is arranged to grab attention.
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 27
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 6:11:53 PM

people all come from somewhere; but they do not have to carry on the tradition of their lineage. You can have parents that have a happy successful 50 year marriage and you get divorced; you can have parents that are three times divorced and you can have a long and satisfying relationship. You are the product of your own choices, not your heritage.

Have you seen children of alcoholics? Some choose to drink since they were brought up around drinking; and a lot of others choose to abstain; because they see the damage that has been done.

You obviously see the damage and you ALSO see the potential risks. As the offspring of an alcoholic, you MIGHT have a predisposition to drink and also have alcoholism. So the way to NOT carry that on? Is to not have a lot of alcohol around the house and not go to places where it is not only easy; but common, to have the alcohol flowing freely while doing fun things, where the alcohol is associated with fun times, excess and people not having boundaries.

With the familiarity of cheating; since both your side and your boyfreinds; both had it? You already know the damage that is done by cheating.

But being in an online "meat market" advertising yourself, talking "safely" (but is it really? to people who are talking to you because they think you are hot and wanting attention; and they want YOUR attention. You are surrounded by "drinks". You say you are doing it safely/ but when you are talking in secret to a person who you let down your guard with (because there is no perceived risk since youa re not in a relationship with them), you are literally almost IN a relationship. You have the best of both. You have the safety, the vulnerability and no risk whatsoever, because in your mind nothing is on the line with you and them. But you and your boyfriend there IS risk. Will you cheat on him? Will he cheat on you? Will one or both of you end up heartbroken? So in some ways; you might claim to be with him and you might be sleeping with him? But he is not getting the best part of you. And in fact, withholding yourself from him while ONLY being available to have "friends" you can open up to while telling yourself you are in a relationship? Is cheating already. Because he is getting leftovers... and you are carrying on in secret with people who very probably fantasize about you; would like nothing better than to break you up; and if you are talking about your relationship with him in a negative way with them? You are basically stripping him naked emotionally inf ront of other men and having them swoop in to the rescue.

How do you avoid cheating? Stay away from the alcohol. In the street you can't avoid eye contact with everyone; at the workplace you don't need to avoid talking civilly; but being in a place in secret for the express purpose of gardering men tto admire, interact with and share secrets with behind your boyfriend's back?

That will make it VERY hard to be faithful. Because you already aren't being. How you try and validate actions you know inside are not to the betterment of your relationship? If a person has that mindset? If you need to sell something being ok?

it's probably not.

And some people? Are all about avoiding things that make them uncomfortable, because they WANT to be ok with what they are doing.

Don't be that person, OP. Be better than your parents. Don't continue the family tradition. Make friends with your boyfriend. Give HIM the best of yourself. And if you can't? You need to get out of the relationship and avoid guys altogether until you can be a person that can be comfortable and at peace within your own skin without needing external validation and admiration. Because you will be enough; and you will learn that you can be trustworthy. Because the people that have the most difficulty trusting?

Are those who can't be trusted themselves. Change yourself; and then you won't hold yourself apart from your boyfriend.
Very best of luck, OP
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 28
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 6:29:01 PM
eric_summit, "one-foot-out-the-door" is precisely what I sensed after reviewing the OP's profile...
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