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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How Do you deal with loneliness?      Home login  
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 shawnmj1982
Joined: 9/30/2014
Msg: 1
How Do you deal with loneliness?Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
So I'm 32 years old and have been single my whole life. I have always been very shy and suffer from social anxiety which has made dating almost impossible. I have worked very hard to deal with my issues and have made a lot of progress, but I still haven't had much luck when it comes to dating. I try really hard to stay positive and be happy being single, but lately it's been very difficult. My question is to the people who are in the same situation as me. How do you deal with being alone?
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 2
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How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/8/2014 7:16:25 PM
Well your situation is almost a mirror image of mine.
I personally deal with it by doing stuff I enjoy.
Art, anime, manga, reading, coffee, music, etc.
I have only one friend who is very busy with her life, and like you I do suffer from social anxiety. My best advice is find a group of friends that would share whatever interests you have.

I had one of those back in the day when I used to play magic the gathering. It was very fun and wasn't lonely at all. I am going to try a meetup for anime at the end of this week to see if I can make anymore friends. I think it will be ok...hopefully.

As for romance, well don't try too hard. It will flow to ya if you are positive. If I wasn't so innocent and dense back then, I could have at least had a romantic relationship with at least 1 of my friends back then. Live and learn.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 3
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How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/8/2014 9:39:38 PM
Spend time with relatives. Spend time with friends. Ask them if they don't ask you.
Join clubs, a church, Meetup groups.
Make it a habit to strike up conversations with at least one person every place you go.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 4
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/8/2014 10:05:08 PM
How do you deal with being alone?


Try and have as much fun as possible... by however means possible.
The sky is the limit.
You sir....only have one life to life ( I am NOT saying yolo because I hate that term and if you do, Ill shoot you) anyways.... so .... do you want to not have fun and mope around the house about how lonely you are ?.....or
do you want to get out and do the things you've always wanted to do, have done or wanted to try?!!!!!!
Your choice.


I say do it!
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 5
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 12:42:35 AM
I started my own hiking group. We meet once a week on Sundays.

We talk and laugh and have a nice time while getting some exercise. This is really about the only socializing I do outside of work. I am introverted, and if I dont make an effort like this, I would probably never talk to people. It's true! Easy to be alone, not so easy when you feel *lonely.*

I am going to be alone on XMas again, so, I decided to host a "Christmas Orphans" hike. Anyone who has nothing to do on XMas can come with us and have a picnic lunch up in the Hollywood Hills.

Way better than sitting alone by myself.

Try to join a group, get involved with something, or that social anxiety is going to ruin your life. Talk to a therapist. Practice by going to a small get together..just find something, like a meetup group, and just tell yourself you will hang out for 20 minutes then you can leave. Next time, extend it to 30 minutes. Just set small goals. You'll find out that despite feeling like you are freaking out on the inside, people around you have no idea and arent really paying attention anyway.

Challenge yourself, You only live once.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 6
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 12:43:06 AM

How Do you deal with loneliness?

Tbh, I haven't been for a long time. The only times I was(and I was a lot when I was younger) was when:
1 I believed in fairy tale love as a panacea to my dreary life
2 I was smarting from some love bust up. Bleeding to death slowly... etc. till I recovered enough to believe in the love heroin again..Wanting a new fix..

It took giving up on those ideas to make my life sane and sober, recognize what is love over what is infatuated attraction.
Love is selfless, wanting the best for the other, wanting to see them thrive--even if that means you aren't in their life.

Love has little to do with loneliness.
I think loneliness is really about lacking meaning or purpose, mission, enthusiasm, self knowledge and mastery. Dating gets singled out as an antidote to those lacks, but you must fill those slots inside you before you can draw others to your party.
If you have a lot of unhappy free time, you are lonely. If you doubt life, yourself, your value, your validity you are lonely.

All this said, it is human to be frail and vulnerable at times, lonely and I don't want to imply people are defective for experiencing feelings of isolation and disconnection.
The only antidote is to offer yourself proactively, with confidence. By that I mean poise, and respect for who you are(how far you fought to come this far and how far you must go) and that same respect that every one of us has struggled too. You should never assume you are the only one. I've yet to meet one that hasn't struggled.


So I'm 32 years old and have been single my whole life. I have always been very shy and suffer from social anxiety which has made dating almost impossible.

Anxiety is your friend. It means growth, if nothing more than in thought, which is step 1. You are trying to be a bigger and better version of yourself. Anxiety come too in excitement. Be friends with him or her, give them some tea.They aren't going anywhere. They are just telling you to be a catalyst for change in your life, than a lump of play dough.

I have worked very hard to deal with my issues and have made a lot of progress, but I still haven't had much luck when it comes to dating.

Who has luck? You become the greatest version of yourself(as you see it) and somebody may or may not pick up on that.
True for all of us. Don't worry about success. You don't control success. You just work on your life and yourself and learn to be a good friend, son, brother, any other role you play. Enjoy yourself. Find the things you'd do without pay, and do them. Find passion.

I try really hard to stay positive and be happy being single, but lately it's been very difficult.My question is to the people who are in the same situation as me. How do you deal with being alone?

I'm better at it the longer I do it. Seriously, being experienced and self knowledgeable makes it all enjoyable vs a chore, as you seem to imply. Self nurture op, treat yourself well and take yourself out..
I'm used to being solo, but if I need company, I can join a group. I'm not bothered but if you are you can do something
Recently I surprised myself by being a bit forlorn, melancholy in a way I hadn't for some time, vulnerable. I realized I had gotten drawn into an attraction and it awoke some feelings. I realized I'm possibly too sensitive to date generally, though I may do so later. I have other priorities currently. But I think experiencing vulnerability can open oneself up, make one more compassionate, so there is value to the suffering. It can make one more sensitive and aware, possibly softer and kinder.
My advice--become strong in all areas of your life now so that when you do date, you will have a life to support you no matter what because dating is just something that's unpredictable and should never be taken for granted. It's an add on, not the main event. The main event is you and living the life you want. Once you do that, others aren't that relevant, unless you share a rare connection.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 7
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 12:53:31 AM
I started my own hiking group.

^^^
My good girl!
I joined one @meetup dot com and it was ................fun!
Beautiful too.
The scenery along with meeting many walks of life and conversing with them, just absolutely memorable.
I highly suggest
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 8
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How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 7:46:07 AM
Last anxiety attack I had, was the day before I got laid off. It was really bad. I usually feel one coming on when I am in a crowded situation. I can usually work through it if I can focus on something, but if I don't have anything to focus on, I get an uncontrollable urge to escape. This makes concerts and clubs too much for me. It is best to keep to a few people at first then build from there. Too much too fast can cause too much anxiety.
 nhtds231
Joined: 11/26/2014
Msg: 9
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 11:17:38 AM
I can't relate to the actual issues of anixety so I will not try. We can all be shy at times especially when we are in a situation that we are not familiar. I do believe that surrounding yourself with people is healthy. Becoming a hermit or introvert will just exasperate the condition. For me exercise, working out is the key. When I am not feeling 100 percent, nothing like a run. Being outside in the fresh air and sun I get my endorphin rush. Physically healthy will go along way to get you mentally healthy. Run, join a gym, hike as the others suggested join a local club. If you are an animal person volunteer at the local shelter. They always need help. Dogs/cats could care less about any issues, and always a good group of people. Also maybe help out with Scouts. Anyway lots of good suggestion from the other members. Good Luck.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 10
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How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 2:09:14 PM

So I'm 32 years old and have been single my whole life.

Ok. So, we take this as a given, since you expressed it as a fact.


I try really hard to stay positive and be happy being single, but lately it's been very difficult.

You are 32. So, you've had 32 years to try. Have you had any success at all during these 32 years? If your first impression is to respond with something like "fleeting" or "occasionally" then I challenge you to look again.


How do you deal with being alone?

You've been alone so far, according to the premise of your question... so you should be identifying how you have dealt with being alone for 32 years so far. You've dealt with it up to this point, even if it has bothered you. How have you managed it to this point?

There is no guarantee in life that you will partner up. So, make sure that you aren't thinking things like "I SHOULD be with someone, so why won't anyone love me?" The world isn't obligated to mate you up.

Ok. If that is too harsh, then think about it from a different POV. If "everyone" is right, and there is someone out there for everyone, then it is FAR more likely that your perfect mate, your soul mate, the one that the world decided was the "ONE" for you, is on the opposite side of the globe. She could be running a shop in Siberia, or serving tea in India, or deciding what to paint next in Melbourne.

Let's put it together. If there MUST be someone for you, and they MUST be somewhere you will be in the future, that means that Destiny is running the show, and there's no use in getting upset or bothered by all of this. If you believe that there has to be someone out there for you because that's how it should be, then you need to trust in that process completely... in that the person you are supposed to be with will come into your life when she is supposed to, and not one minute sooner. You can't only believe in Destiny half-way. You can't assume that there is someone there, but that it is up to YOU to do all the right things to find her.

Kinda sucks, eh? The idea of waiting on Destiny to do what it is going to do. That's why most people jump on the "There has to be someone out there, but why can't I find him/her?" bandwagon. Believing fate carried them half-way, but that it is up to someone else to point out what they are doing wrong to have not gotten what fate is supposed to have had for them. It's actually quite an irresponsible way to live.

Here is how it is though. You might meet someone. You might not. You might do everything right and still die alone. You might crack, go to prison for murder, and marry a prison groupie (the ones that start penpal relationships with prisoners). All you can do is continue on this journey through life.

Oh... and either hollow yourself out and do everything everyone else tells you so you can become who THEY think you should be... so you can meet the woman who wants that... OR just keep on keeping on and see where your life takes you.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 11
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 2:54:13 PM
How do I deal with being alone? When I have been alone, first of all, I treat myself to awesome dinners that I cook. From a Thai Salmon, Red Snapper Putanesca, then I get myself some awesome music and after dinner I sit and write and write and write. Other times, in the winter I set up my stationary bike and do intervals or a fat burner, or a base cardio. Eventually when I decided that I wanted company, I just brushed up and re-edited my profiles and went at it.

I now choose my alone time delicately. I enjoy being with my girlfriend a lot, yet at times, we both understand that space is important.


hen it is FAR more likely that your perfect mate, your soul mate, the one that the world decided was the "ONE" for you, is on the opposite side of the globe.


I don't believe that destiny decides for you. If you want something. You go get it. Period.
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 12
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 5:57:02 PM
I don't believe that destiny decides for you. If you want something. You go get it. Period.


Yes but wanting things and getting them can be part of a pre-written destiny. The very fact that you wrote on this forum today saying that there is no destiny, may be part of your destiny. There is no way to know.

Assume the Universe is just a 3D projection and that the actual information is stored on a sphere. If time runs on the surface of the sphere, laying out the projection of existence in 3D inside the sphere, what's on the sphere cannot be changed, so in that case the destiny is pre-written. Even me typing this, seemingly out of nowhere, may also be there.

So until there is proof I wouldn't be 100% sure. This existence...might be a recording that is re-played infinitly.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 13
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 6:05:52 PM
It's all in how you look at it.

You could see it as having no one to do things with - or you could see it as not having someone there preventing you from doing what you want when you want.

You could look at it as having no one to do things for - or you could look at it as not having to do things for someone...buy things, pick up the check on dates, buy holiday gifts, go sit with someone's family this time of year or have to forego seeing yours.

I don't see success as being part of a couple I see it as accomplishing things in my life I set out to accomplish. I may end up in a relationship, I may not. But what am I doing to make myself a better person overall (regardless of how many dates it gets me).

Being single a long time means you should be really good at it. I think if you've been married for years and your spouse is taken from you or leaves it's much harder to adjust to being single again.

Meanwhile - get out and about. While social anxiety is a very real thing, there are ways to deal with it. Join a group of peers, read about it, get therapy for it - find out what you need to do to get around it. This time of year is great for volunteering somewhere for people who have less than you...donate time or things you don't use to people who could use them. Talk to people who live in shelters and have no idea how they are going to eat...today. Do things that make you realize your problem isn't as bad as some other people out there.

...unless you are not interested in socializing with people in which case being single would be right up your alley as you aren't forced to interact with anyone for the sake of a relationship.

BTW single isn't "alone" - alone is a desert island somewhere with no sign of life.
 Lyonus
Joined: 9/24/2014
Msg: 14
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 8:51:02 PM
Look, Shawn-I know. Being alone sucks. So, you've got several things you can do: You can drink over it, you can eat over it, you can start doing drugs, you can cry about it.... Or you can do something about it. You can do something for you. Keep busy to keep your mind off of it. Go to the gym and get into great shape and clear your head. Go back to school. Venture out to bars. Talk to random people. Smile. Don't be afraid to shine. You can overcome social anxiety. Go to the gym. Go back to school. You don't have to move to another country to find a girl. And you don't have to make plans for a life of solitude and celibacy. Take this time, instead of worrying about all this, and go and become the best You you can be. Man, you will be having to fend them chicks off with a stick! Lol But really-all change starts from within. Change your situation before calling it quits.

In the meantime, you may want to take another look at your profile (I know-wrong section!). The information is pretty good, but seemed to lack a confident and assertive kind of tone. You know what you have to offer-tell them WHY they should go out with you. Might want to give the entire thing a makeover. Anyway, best of luck to you, man. And again-never give up. Only through challenge and adversity can we achieve greatness.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 15
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How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/9/2014 9:50:45 PM

I don't believe that destiny decides for you. If you want something. You go get it. Period.

I can't say as I disagree with you. You did quote me out of context though, and then you replied to your misquote as if that was what I really said.

For one thing, I wasn't talking about chickens... and your quote of mine starts off with the word "hen" which either means you edited my quote to add things I didn't say, or you REALLY misquoted me, and literally quoted me out of the context I was speaking in. Not to worry... here's the full quote.
{quote]If "everyone" is right, and there is someone out there for everyone, then it is FAR more likely that your perfect mate, your soul mate, the one that the world decided was the "ONE" for you, is on the opposite side of the globe.
You see, I was addressing something specific... that's why I used that little wonderful word "IF". I was saying that IF all the people who say "There is someone out there for everyone" are right, THEN it is more likely that this perfect soulmate is on the other side of the planet. That's an IF-THEN statement. It isn't a statement of fact, it is a conditional statement.

You don't believe in destiny or fate. That's great. So you would be one of the people who DOESN'T say that there is someone out there for everyone. I did account for people like you, in that I made an IF-THEN statement.

Sure. He can take this all in hand... which apparently he's been doing... and keep trying new things to get a woman. Of course, since he knows he has issues with people, maybe he should be seeing a therapist to work out why he is the way he is, so he can then get on to making things happen.
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 16
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/10/2014 7:19:28 AM
Ok. If that is too harsh, then think about it from a different POV. If "everyone" is right, and there is someone out there for everyone, then it is FAR more likely that your perfect mate, your soul mate, the one that the world decided was the "ONE" for you, is on the opposite side of the globe. She could be running a shop in Siberia, or serving tea in India, or deciding what to paint next in Melbourne.


Only self is one, the rest are plenty. You don't have to find a needle in a haystack to be happy as you are suggesting, so it is plainly wrong, and I rarely use the word wrong when adressing someone's opinion. To me it means a lot, it means that there is not a chance in a trillion for it to be right. InnerGorilla pointed out a mistake but didn't word it best.

Look how agnostic/atheist hindus describe the awareness inside:

Eka Braham Teutanaste,
Nee Naa Naste Kinchen,
Bagwan Echihe!
Dusura Nahihe!
Nahihe Nahihe Zarabi Nahihe!

Self is one without a second, without a double, without a duplicate. There is no half self. There is no other half on the opposite side of the globe, You are One. If you are not ONE with yourself, your personality is to blame. Not a woman in Singapore. There is only one self. 2 selves? 1/2 self? Not at all not at all not the LEAST whatsoever! Zarabi Nahihe!

It is clear like 2 + 2 = 4. It's an absolute truth. If you are not One with yourself, no woman will complement you. You are just looking for trouble. When the woman you find will leave you, you will be twice more depressed than now. Because you want her to fill a void in you that YOU YOURSELF have to fill, without help nor intervention.

If you don't understand this it will be very hard.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 17
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/10/2014 7:31:01 AM

For one thing, I wasn't talking about chickens... and your quote of mine starts off with the word "hen" which either means you edited my quote to add things I didn't say,


Hens? No, I copied and pasted and missed the T in your statement. No editing or adding. So it may not fit you to a T. (Sorry, pun intended, but not the mistake.)


So you would be one of the people who DOESN'T say that there is someone out there for everyone.


Because I may not believe that destiny is something that happens to you, but that you make happen, does not mean that you cannot or will not find a person that is perfect for you.

Take for instance my girlfriend. She is the one for me. She is awesome and we think alike. But had I met her 5 years ago, we would not have clicked the same way. Her mind was in a different place and so was her behavior. So now that we are together and click is the result of personal choices we both have made, not providence or destiny. Also, while I can say that I am in love with this person, because of previous experiences I believe that love is a work in progress that requires my full participation in the things that we built together and the things that we are willing to do to please each other.
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 18
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/10/2014 7:35:47 AM
Take for instance my girlfriend. She is the one for me. She is awesome and we think alike. But had I met her 5 years ago, we would not have clicked the same way. Her mind was in a different place and so was her behavior. So now that we are together and click is the result of personal choices we both have made, not providence or destiny. Also, while I can say that I am in love with this person, because of previous experiences I believe that love is a work in progress that requires my full participation in the things that we built together and the things that we are willing to do to please each other.


Exactly see, you gotta listen to brother InnerGorilla. He didn't get a girlfriend because he had one testicle and his girlfriend got him his second. No half half concept, just matching and the will to please eachother and stay happy.

Not "I will throw myself off a bridge unless I find my woman". Might as well buy codeine at the pharmacy and start using because it's the same thing. Any woman you get under such circumstances will be like a drug to you, unless you are happy in the first place and share your happyness with her.
 Supersoulson
Joined: 10/21/2014
Msg: 19
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/10/2014 8:39:10 AM

Might as well buy codeine at the pharmacy and start using because it's the same thing.


Actually, the codeine would probably be the better choice IF one had access to it at anytime since it would be more reliable/consistent in bringing the addicted person the fix they need.
Being addicted to a woman on the other hand is much more difficult since you can’t always get your fix anytime you want and she won’t always make you feel how you want anytime you want even when she is in your presence ( codeine doesn’t have mood swings, for example, lol ).
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 20
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/10/2014 9:13:31 AM
Go out as much as possible -but don't focus on meeting "your woman" -the more you socialize, the easier it will be.
Take all kinds of lessons -experience all sorts of things -whatever -just get out there and your odds of meeting someone will improve.
 Supersoulson
Joined: 10/21/2014
Msg: 21
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/10/2014 9:31:46 AM
Stop focusing on your loneliness.

Start focusing on what brings you joy, makes you feel good, takes your focus OFF your feelings of lack/loneliness.

If you tell yourself you’re lonely it will create a negative emotional reaction which will then reinforce the same thoughts resulting in a stronger negative emotional reaction , until you are fixated on “ find a mate because nothing else matters until I do “ kind of wrong thinking.

You say you’re looking for a woman with common interests so find something that interests you that will ALSO get you out in public and give you opportunities to meet other women.

Do NOT choose an interest that will only put you in a room with a bunch of other guys.
If your goal is to meet WOMEN then that would be a bad strategy.

Capice ?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/11/2014 4:22:49 AM
The majority of the time I don't even know I'm alone until I look around for the person I have been talking to for the past hour and he/she isn't there.

And then,


I laugh, and no one hears me.

I guess.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 23
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/11/2014 11:37:20 AM

The majority of the time I don't even know I'm alone until I look around for the person I have been talking to for the past hour and he/she isn't there.

And then,


I laugh, and no one hears me.

I guess.


Priceless~

And here I thought it was just me that sort of thing happened to... ;-)
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 24
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/11/2014 3:43:03 PM

How Do you deal with loneliness?


Imaginary friends.

Like Harvey, here, for example.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 25
How Do you deal with loneliness?
Posted: 12/11/2014 7:59:26 PM
You don't handle being alone, just like you don't handle a bad breakup, and just like you don't handle anything negative in life.

It is there, it takes a toll on you, but if it wasn't that, it would probably be something else. And I know that is a negative way to look at it, but its practical.

You know happiness (your happiness) can't be found in another person, you can only hope that other person can amplify your happiness.

So how do you deal with it? You adapt to meet the change you desire, or you forever feel unsatisfied. Fear can cage you and sap your potential. Avoid your comfort zone, its dangerous to get too comfortable.
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