Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 NerdySushiNinja
Joined: 12/13/2014
Msg: 1
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?Page 1 of 1    
Ok, I have noticed an interesting trend here, with not just this site but dating sites in general, and most sites giving advice about dating sites seem to say the same things too: when a woman lists "requirements" on a dating site, they're more like "wish lists", and even if you don't match up with them, if you like what you see you should try anyway, because people supposedly list a whole bunch of non-realistic requirements on these sites, even though they'd probably be perfectly fine dating someone who doesn't match up with someone's "wish list"...

But I have run into something of a blockade here, so it starts off like this: I see requirements on her profile (maybe height, maybe distance, maybe a shared love of sports) and then...

Scenario 1: Just ignore that part, because the other 99 percent of her profile looks like a great match... so I write her anyway, and completely ignore those little wishes on there... what happens? I get told off about how I "apparently missed" her "requirement" which I ignored because I thought it wasn't a big deal.

Scenario 2: Mention what I like about her profile, but then also point out her requirements and ask about them and why they're so important to her... what happens? I get told I'm "being negative" for having brought that up and then in no uncertain terms, said "requirements" are then "revealed" to not be all that important but more or less just ideals (as expected)... but then still can't talk with the girl because now she thinks I'm "negative" just for seeking clarification..

So, what IS the right move? If I KNOW that if I met said girl in person or got talking with her somehow WITHOUT her "wish list" getting in the way, we would probably get along GREAT... so how do I get AROUND the wish list? It feels like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't :/
 Boshed
Joined: 12/12/2014
Msg: 2
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 8:54:32 AM
Go with scenario 1.
If she tells you off, then you dodged a bullet.
If she ignores you, you know she's not interested.
If she responds then pat yourself on the back for not letting her wish list stop you.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 3
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 9:05:39 AM
"I get told off about how I "apparently missed" her "requirement" which I ignored because I thought it wasn't a big deal."

This is worth risking. If you have nothing invested upfront anyway, rejection shouldnt be an issue. Because you dont care.

This is part of why I gave up online dating..the "check the boxes" mentality of entitlement, as if you can just order up whatever person you want. Make a list and wait for someone to come along that fulfills everything exactly. Doesnt work that way.

Men have their lists too, and most of the time, I didnt fit into 'em. There's no way I could be as sexy, in shape and black dress wearin' as many want. Also all the long graphic descriptions of how they want their sex life to be, and what role I would play in that. Ugh.

Just dont invest much up front, Write your nice opening letters, some will be receptive, some wont be..just plow thru.

Then, get back into meeting people organically like thru meetup.com and other social outlets. Things make more sense that way. Its how we're supposed to be meeting people/selecting mates. Not thru an online human shopping mall.
 ScurvyLittleSpider
Joined: 11/23/2014
Msg: 4
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 9:22:06 AM
^^^Yes, and that.

Sounds to me like you're on the right track. Modify Scenario # 2 to make mention of the requirements (so she knows you did give attention to what she wrote) but skip the part where you interrogate her about her preferences.

I'm amused & impressed that you're systematically ignoring the wish lists-- I think you'll do well overall in the end.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 5
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 9:39:29 AM
I think I'll try meetup.com and see what happens. I just saw a "nerd group" in the Boston area I'd like to join.

I also agree with the poster who states about eliminating those questions about preferences. (Somebody sent a very passive-aggressive e-mail to me, feigning interest, as he wanted to grill me about my crazy list of limitations. I don't need to answer to anybody. And I'll just immediately block before I *clarify* anything. Everything on my profile is very clear -- take it or leave it, as they say.)
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 6
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 9:51:57 AM
Option 3: don't message her.

Option 4: (after a positive first sentence). "I read your entire profile text and saw you require a pianist who has a piano. I had a piano at home as a kid. Now I have a big organ. A Wurlitzer".
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 7
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 10:03:37 AM
I'd just not message her. Chances are you'll really just annoy/aggravate her. negative emotions as a first impression are never a good thing.

I think I'll try meetup.com and see what happens. I just saw a "nerd group" in the Boston area I'd like to join.


I've been going to a puzzle meet up group the last 2 months. hah. No date type stuff potentials there; just tea, muffins, puzzles and dorks.
 LittleLadyMaxine
Joined: 4/11/2014
Msg: 8
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 10:52:25 AM
When you get more sophisticated at dating, the right move is to bypass those profiles that have lists of "do nots"... they are indicative of a person with a less than stellar attitude and/or poor intuition. They are probably not the catch of the day or the pick of the litter. There is no reason for a list, people can choose who they wish to communicate with.

One of the cornerstones of a good catch is a positive attitude and good intuition... and the best of them don't make lists of "do nots" in their profiles, because they know it's unromantic.... they know the profile should be light-hearted and positive, not filled with serious junk. From your perspective, you only need to find one good one, who cares about the rest?

------Gary and Marie
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 9
view profile
History
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?ualificationduirements
Posted: 12/23/2014 11:23:47 AM
It would depend on the requirement. Some are likely not negotiable...others are 'soft'.

What is a reasonable non negotiable expectation...non smoker, fit,. In contrast one can probably take liberty a year or two outside of an age requirement or slightly outside a geographic area.

If a women had some comment like 'must be a good dancer' then I would respond that I'm athletic and always wanted to learn. It's just like applying for a job...use a positive attitude to fill in the missing qualifications.

However, agree that it might be best to avoid the profile that reads like a shopping list even if you do meet all the requirements. Some people can present requirements in a warm welcoming way...in contrast, others reveal a potentially self centered personality.

Also, I 'think' some women when first joining write the shopping list without realizing how they are presenting themselves. The same with those tired unimaginative phrases...'walking on he beach' etc. they are not really like that but haven't stood back and gave a lot of thought as to how they are coming across. They expect to be swept off their feet the first week...then reality sets in. Some revise their requirements' after a while not because they are dishonest but because they probably realize what they are actually seeking is a nice, respectful competent man.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
view profile
History
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 11:53:13 AM
Why would you disregard someone's list as non-realistic requirements? If these things are important enough to the person that they list them, who are you to decide if they are realistic or not? Just move on if the person hasn't listed you as what they want.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 11
view profile
History
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 12:01:37 PM
I have quite a bit of experience at this. Some good, some not so good (smile).

In my experience, scenario 1 works better than scenario 2. You do not want to dwell on the negative, instead just accentuate the positive.

Never, never, never be afraid of women, or afraid of rejection. You’re supposed to be a man, women like for men to act like men, not wussies.
 Kentish-Man
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 12
view profile
History
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 4:10:07 PM
My advice is to just lie. Lie about everything....your looks, income, personality, height...lie about it all. As long as it secures you a meet that's all that matters. When she turns up with fake tan, dyed hair, high heels, hair extensions, push-up bra, make-up and a designer handbag bought by her ex, all you can really do is apologise for misrepresenting yourself.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 13
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 4:21:31 PM
If you don't meet a woman's requirements, brow beating her about it, will get you nowhere. Don't message women whose criteria you don't meet. Simple. Again a whiny rant from a guy who feels women don't have a right to preference re height, distance etc. and that they are missing out on a great guy. If I were that unsuitable woman you insist on contacting, I would ignore you and I guess most do.

How about a fat single mother with two brats, contacts you but doesn't meet your requirements? how would you react?? You don't say what sort of woman you want, but I bet it is not her.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 5:08:07 PM

If you don't meet a woman's requirements, brow beating her about it, will get you nowhere. Don't message women whose criteria you don't meet. Simple. Again a whiny rant from a guy who feels women don't have a right to preference re height, distance etc. and that they are missing out on a great guy. If I were that unsuitable woman you insist on contacting, I would ignore you and I guess most do.

Yep!
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 15
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 5:17:43 PM
It depends upon the list of requirements. For example, "seeking a non-smoker / no drugs" is fine by me.
An exhaustive list of traits, features, do this, don't do that, this, that, and the other thing...I very rapidly lose interest.
It is kind of helpful though. When the woman is 5'1" and demands a 6'3" guy, it totally saves effort! :-)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 16
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 6:57:20 PM
^^ I don't think this guy has a problem with humor, check out his profile, lol.

A minority I see, but I prefer option 2. And it's happened to me lots, both ways. Personally I'm more annoyed by the ones who pretend not to see it, than the ones who make mention of it. I feel that they are more confident and direct, not going to whine like a you know what if I tell them what they likely already knew. Much depends on how you word things, as with all things in here I suppose.

The ones that got me were the guys who would say some version of- I know I'm not your type, but I am a kind hearted man and deserve a chance. Is that so? Lol.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 17
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 7:53:03 PM
"a designer handbag bought by her ex"

Hahahahaha
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 18
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 9:41:25 PM
Event Scenario - You over thinking something that just requires you send a message. Nothing is certain, so don't make impossible demands on certainty.

Tell me something - What is the difference in meeting the expectation of a practical request, versus that of an immature demand?

We'll it doesn't matter what you think or speculate, because the bottom line is it doesn't matter what you think. You aren't the one reciprocating interest, you are the one showing interest.

The right move is to stop psyching yourself out intensely over something that doesn't really deserve to be considered in depth.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 19
How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?
Posted: 12/23/2014 10:39:57 PM
Kentish man,
you do make me laugh but if you have seen the pics of the dyed hair, the tan, the push up bra, the high heels and make up, which by the way, the image of which, probably attracted you in the first place, then how is she lying?
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > How to deal with requirements listed that I don't meet?