Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Why do so many men end up with unkind women      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 1
Why do so many men end up with unkind womenPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Over the last week, with time off, I have been out and about more than usual and had a lot of activities. I was often struck at how badly women treated men that they accompanied, whether a wife or "girlfriend." Whether complaining throughout a movie the man was obviously interested in, insulting him at the end as he said how he liked it and she though it "for imbeciles, snatching a menu out of his hand, yelling at him that he was stupid or to "use your brain." or calling something that he had or wanted "silly" with a condescending tone. ALL OUT IN PUBLIC.
I used to think that the average commercial on TV made men look dumb and women like shrews. I am beginning to think that it simply reflects life today. But that is who they select. Maybe they are masochists. Who knows.
SAVE that the thread was posted before. No one wants to read a 6 year old thread and some people haven't been on this forum continuously here for decades so it is new to us.
I am just wondering whether others have noticed.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 6:02:51 AM
A lot of people--men and women--put up with crap b/c they do not want to be alone and/or are getting something out of this "relationship" even if what they get out of it isn't obvious (or attractive) to us. For some, negative attention is better than no attention.

Women may feel more emboldened to mistreat a guy in public; men doing the same thing would much more likely be at risk of others intervening. Just b/c you see it more (women berating men) does not mean it happens more (or less).

Some people treat others like s*it. One hopes that both people in that type of relationship learn to do better--but don't hold your breath, waiting for it to happen.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 3
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 6:09:38 AM
It just struck me and was actually jarring. In a couple of cases i saw other women nearby cringe as well.
It is like the commercials on TV where the woman is looking down her nose at her husband or making fun of him or something.
One theory is that these women can only retaliate without consequence in public for private mistreatment by the man. I don't know.
I always wonder why men select these women. I have seen in in my family and in neighbors and co-workers as well, now that I think about it. Maybe I have been out of a couple for so long that I don't get how being in a couple could make women mean. LOL!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 6:15:29 AM
So what percentage of the coupled women you observed were behaving like this? I'm just trying to figure out what you mean by "many." We do know that the divorce rate is about 50%. Was is more than that?

What I've observed is that some people bahve atrociously, some behave beautifully, and most are somewhere in the middle. If you feel that "many" women behave like this, perhaps you're assigning more importance to the ones who do than to all the other ones, or else things have really gotten bad down there in Philly since 2012.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 5
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 6:36:21 AM
Philly is not the kindest place in the world, no. LOL!
Even in light of that it was apparent, at least to me.
I would say, roughly, 80%.
Perhaps also telling was that a good number of the people in general in those places were alone or with one other person or a group of the same sex.
Anyway, it just struck me. Will be out and about today.
****Maybe it was the stress of the holidays?***
There is an entertaining article about "Dumb Men Commercials." They really are shrew wife commercials, which I think women should object to as well. ( But then again, Shakespeare covered this subject, didn't he? ) Does life reflect art or art reflect life? Are commercials art? Ha!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 6
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 7:18:31 AM
I honestly never really have noticed what the OP is suggesting when I'm out and about. I have noticed that a lot of people accept a lot of things that I wouldn't. But, really, haven't we all? I mean, the world does not revolve on what we , as individuals, wish, hope or believe.
What I believe to be "unkind" ,some believe to be the norm. What I believe to be unacceptable behaviour, some will accept. I don't think this gender specific either. How many times have we heard here in these forums about "bad boys" and the partners that they constantly seem to have????
People will accept what they do, for whatever reasons they have in their heads. I've given up trying to "figure" out the reasons for some of the actions that I witness.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 7
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 7:23:22 AM
Funny, I have a friend who pointed this out to me & she had some great insight.

There are some men out there who are BETA males, they may be laid back or even passive.

They attract/end up w/ aggressive females. And how do aggressive females act?

These men were not assertive/aggressive enough to pursue women, they allowed women to pursue them, so if they have a woman who browbeats, manipulates or controls them, the onus is on them.

Some men are submissive in their romantic relationships & want a woman who is domme-ish, so you may also be seeing some of that. But IMO the majority is passive lazy men who have poor boundaries w/ b1tchy aggressive woman.

I once was friendly w/ a woman who turned out to be the aggressive sort. It spilled over into all areas of her life. I couldn't stand it.

I saw her ex hubby w/ his new wife in the summer & he looked so HAPPY. I knew why. He wasn't stuck w/ a b1tchy control freak anymore.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 8:18:37 AM
my mother constantly berates and denigrates my father. it makes me furious. they're both in their 70s. my father retired after a career in public relations and got a teaching certificate. he guest teaches in local public schools. she retired from a long nursing career. so she has some very fixed ideas of how she wants life (her's and everyone else's) to look. i think a lot of women (men too) get a picture in their mind of how the world should work and they lash out when those around them don't measure up.

my dad has arthritis and tends to drop dishes when he tries to wash them. actually, he drops a lot of stuff. and catches hell for it.

one time she said 'i can't think of anything he does right.'
i replied, 'well, he brings home a paycheck.'
she said, 'yes. he does do that.'
i concluded the dialogue by observing, 'he never says anything bad about you.'

the end.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 8:56:00 AM
An interesting subject, thank you for starting the thread.


BlondeAngel845
There are some men out there who are BETA males, they may be laid back or even passive.

They attract/end up w/ aggressive females. And how do aggressive females act?

These men were not assertive/aggressive enough to pursue women, they allowed women to pursue them, so if they have a woman who browbeats, manipulates or controls them, the onus is on them.

Some men are submissive in their romantic relationships & want a woman who is domme-ish, so you may also be seeing some of that. But IMO the majority is passive lazy men who have poor boundaries w/ b1tchy aggressive woman.


I have never been really big on this “alpha versus beta male” thing, but certainly there are men who are too passive. I suspect everyone has seen this at one time or another. An excellent example is contained in this post:

JuniperMoon
my dad has arthritis and tends to drop dishes when he tries to wash them. actually, he drops a lot of stuff. and catches hell for it.

one time she said 'i can't think of anything he does right.'
i replied, 'well, he brings home a paycheck.'
she said, 'yes. he does do that.'
i concluded the dialogue by observing, 'he never says anything bad about you.'

An example of behavior that no one should ever have to put up with. Every human being, man or woman, should have boundaries. “This far I will go and no further.”

An example in modern literature, in Steven King’s “The Stand”, one of the female leads, Frannie, has parents who are perfect examples of this totally unacceptable behavior.

I do like Walts comment:


Not my circus, not my monkeys.


ON EDIT: In response to BlueMoons post below, about the unruly children. God help us, it is everywhere. I was trying to watch Houseboat just the other night, a classic with Cary Grant and Sophia Loren. There is a scene early in the movie where Cary takes his 3 small children to a symphony concert. They are sitting in the front row, and the smallest of the 3, a little boy, is very disruptive, ruining the evening not just for his father but for all of the others present.

When I saw this movie before, I don’t remember being as bothered by that scene. I probably thought it was humorous then, but not now. Perhaps I have become a “Grumpy old man”?
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 10
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 8:57:20 AM
I've rarely seen this in public. Even rarer to see it among my circle of friends. What I do notice is people with unruly children that ignore the behaviours in public. But women berating their men in public, nope.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 9:17:03 AM
YES!!!!

I was at the hospital last month and where I go is on the same floor as the Family Clinic...Can't say how MANY times, I've been there and see children running WILD while both Mom and Dad sit there on their smart phones(!) in the HOSPITAL for HEAVEN'S SAKE....
I mean, seriously?!?!?!?!

So yes, TOTALLY oblivious to the chaos their children cause and am pretty certain they wouldn't care any way....
That is a difference in values that gets publicly demonstrated on a regular basis for me....LOL

I once intervened in a situation when I was driving behind a guy and his g/f one summer day...I could actually HEAR him berating her while driving about 20 FEET behind them, no a/c...And when we both stopped at a stop light, I got out of my car went up to her window and asked if she needed a ride...She said yes, came to my car and we took off before buddy realized what was happening and had time to gather his wits enough to follow....

He had just threatened her, which is why I decided to do it....
I've also broken a car window to rescue a Yorkie one summer day when some fvckwit had left him in the car with the window cracked....The poor thing was half dead by the time I got to him....

So sometimes, breaking social contraventions and standing up and SAYING or doing something is the way to go....
But generally, I don't witness that kind of behaviour in public by men or women towards their partner...and unless there are threats of violence or actual violence, as sad as it may be, I usually take the stance of this is an adult who has made this choice, for their own reasons and it's not my place to intervene or even judge, frankly....it's their own business and they obviously have their own issues to deal with....
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 12
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 9:27:14 AM
My sister is mean to her husband, a LOT. In front of others and out in public too. I don't know why he puts up with it, but he does. He works and makes good money, comes home to cook dinner and take the dog for a walk. He's positive, keeps in shape and is always in a chipper mood (something she freely admits is annoying to her).

She literally stays up all night playing farmville and sleeps half the day away. She does not work, has gained a lot of weight over the years and isn't doing anything about it and is so scathingly negative, it is difficult to be around her for any length of time.

I don't understand? But yeah, he must be getting something out of it that I fail to comprehend.

I don't have a relationship with my mother or father anymore, but when I did I could see that my mom was mean to her husband, totally controlled him, and same with my dad in reverse. Passive men disgust me tbh, guess I'm sick of seeing it.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 13
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 9:44:12 AM
I've occasionally seen this. Women going on and on picking on their husbands. Not often, but it happens. I'm sure *plenty* of stuff goes on behind closed doors.

People are cruel creatures. We beat on each other, use each other and abuse each other. People are also shockingly selfish. It's part of human nature. So is being kind, altruistic and supportive.... people are comprised of both the dark and the light. With the good comes the not so good. I realized this as soon as I hit the age of 13. Suddenly friendly kids I used to know and play with in elementary school were hit with hormones, growth surges and *intense spontanious emotions* and jr. high ended up being a hot bed of mean girls, aggression, us against them mentality, fights, bullies and everything else that comes with growing up.

The idiot husband/boyfriend commercials I think about a lot. I am about to embark on a book project that is about the history of women's advertising and how it's been used to shame and guilt women into buying stuff. On the other hand is the moron men being portrayed in commercials who cant be bothered to take out the trash or do anything useful...women rolling their eyes at the useless men. This is supposed to be funny, and appears to be more acceptable at the moment than bashing women in TV ads...can you imagine if a man was rolling his eyes at a ditzy female? Oh the Twitter backlash! Fortunately some men DO notice the crap in commercials and are aware the advertising industry is playing on the stereotypes of the useless man around the house who just gets into the efficient woman's way.

Also, I work in animation and there is ABSOLUTELY a trend to "empower" female characters and make the boy characters in the show dumb tagalongs...the girls are better at EVERYTHING...math, sports, science..and the guys just end up being dumb or getting in trouble. This is a real agenda. I've worked on several shows that are all the same. The girls are the saviors, the boys idiots.

So while women get the heat mostly thru magazines (check out stupid mags like Women's Weekly, those cheap ones at the check outs) EVERY WEEK it's this onslaught of weight loss ads. Almost all women's mags are about weight loss. Flattening your belly, melting your fat..and always next to recipes for cupcakes. :)

Women get beat up mostly thru the weight loss/make up/everything is airbrushed perfection fixation..men seem to be hammered thru ads on TV and some preschool/children's programming.

But I guess that is off the point of the original post. I have seen at least one of my good friends end up with a bitchy, controlling woman and witnessed her firsthand trying to actually pull him away from talking to me and then berating him for socializing with me. We had been friends for 15 years up to that point, and I just gently warned him about what I was seeing happen.

He ended up marrying her and going thru IVF so she could get pregnant. On the rare occasions I visited him, she would be giving me the eye, the vibe was very clear she did NOT want me around at all. When we would meet at mutual friends houses for parties she would walk right past me without acknowledging me. With twin boys and her iron hand (this controlling behavior was witnessed by many others in other ways) I eventually let my friendship with him go. She did NOT want me around and probably many of his other friends as well. She chose where they were to live and who were going to be their friends.

He WAS weak willed. As much as he ranted on about men's rights and everything, he allowed himself to be completely dominated not just by her, but also his FIRST wife as well.

So, sometimes its a matter of which personalities get together. If a man ALLOWS a woman to bitch on and on, or choose his friends, and dominate his life, well...
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 14
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 10:41:45 AM
Women who are like this found that being complacent, pleasing and loving got them treated like a doormat. Obvious this works for them so why should you care?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 11:04:54 AM
hotdogsshop
Women who are like this found that being complacent, pleasing and loving got them treated like a doormat.


Why do you assume that this type of uncouth behaviour comes from being mistreated by men? That seems to be quite a stretch. Other possibilities may include:
1) growing up with this type of behaviour modelled at home
2) a culture of entitlement
3) watching way too much reality tv where this type of behaviour is glorified
4) valuing winning power games over establishing safe and stable relationships

Obvious this works for them so why should you care?
1) because our children see this behaviour and think it's acceptable and they are at risk for behaving this way
2) because this type of behaviour is unkind and toxic and affects the people around them
3) it puts us in a position of being a bystander to abusive relationship (complicit) or taking an action in response to this abusive behaviour (risk of abuse being directed towards us, highly negative stressful situation).

of course this type of interpersonal cruelty is not gender specific. When men are abusive towards women would you say that men
'are like this found that being complacent, pleasing and loving got them treated like a doormat'
(?)

Misandry perhaps?
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 16
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 11:29:16 AM
Haven’t seen it myself, although I knew a few b!tchy women/mothers when I was a kid. In fairness, I have no idea how these husbands treated their wives when no one was looking. I found out years later one of the women underwent shock therapy treatment. Make of that what you will. It’s dangerous and kinda dumb IMO to assume you know all about every couple’s situation from a few minutes of eavesdropping.

80%? Of how many? And ALL the men reacted with non-reaction, the very same way? Maybe there’s an epidemic of some kind where you live. :/

I don’t think it’s wise for anyone to try to intervene in a situation which has absolutely nothing to do with you….unless someone is being harmed and in imminent danger. Passersby are not responsible for the upbringing of possible present or future children of couples whom eavesdroppers perceive as toxic. It’s not up to self imagined do-gooders to fix what they don’t like about others. This is one of the reasons assuming can be dangerous.

PS. Dee, I was not referring to you. :)

 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 17
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 11:40:20 AM
Again mind your own business. I think it is in the younger generation that there is an entitlement disease. My generation was not part of the entitled. Secondly everyone will have an opinion about a subject matter if you don't like pass it up. My opinions aren't changing because you think they should. Go out in real life and control women in general it isn't working here little boy. Again I don't see how other people's relationships affect me. If I don't like it I don't associate with it. Children - most will experience less than the leave it to beaver life and function fine.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 18
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 12:19:59 PM
So sometimes, breaking social contraventions and standing up and SAYING or doing something is the way to go....


This along with OP's observation brings to mind a certain gf of mine who has... everything a woman could want handed to her by her husband ..... and yet, god did she ever berate him as if not thankful for anything. And it spilled out towards her two good boys.
I gave her shyt!

Now... I'm all for girl power blah blah blah. I'm alpha aggressive (big shocker eh? *giggles*) .
Our times have changed from the old days where 'women know their place'. We are more vocal hence what OP is noticing but my gosh, there is a line not to be crossed.
And when it is, do something.
As I mentioned being alpha aggressive, I, myself am guilty of being the berating kind. My experience with my gf made me look within and I became aware of who I am so I now do my best to catch myself or redeem myself and supplement it with a kinder alternative to save myself from hurting anyone I care about. Hard to do being who I am but I do try.

These unkind women need to be made aware of how they are acting.
Standing up and saying or doing something is the way to go imo


As for kids, I'm old school
I take no shyt from them and will happily let any child know. Any child.
Some parents don't like it...and yet some thank me.
'Takes a village to raise a child '
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 12:20:45 PM

hotdogshop100
Again mind your own business.

Talk about someone who doesn’t get the concept. This is an internet forum. People come here to talk about other people’s business, the exact opposite of what you’re proposing.

hotdogshop
Go out in real life and control women in general it isn't working here little boy.

Who the heck are you talking to? You never quote, you never identify the people you’re addressing.

The post immediately above yours is by a woman. The post above that is by another woman. And the one above that is by – that’s right, by you. The OP (original poster) is a woman. So who the heck are you talking to?
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 20
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 12:28:22 PM
You are correct Henry. And I totally disagree with Hotdog, I think she is wrong in her thinking, in my opinion.

I asked my mother once why there seemed to be so many cranky women at her age (she was about 75 at the time) and Mom said - they've always been cranky. I think she was right.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 21
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 12:35:12 PM
@Shakti
Its pretty simple why your sister can treat her husband like this....because she can.What are his options?Divorce?What would his support payments be and where would he live?

Forty year old man I know well.They had lived in a very large house,four children.She is now on the golf course in Willow Park and he is in a condo.


 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 12:48:31 PM
A lot of males, "talk a good game", but they're weak and needy. Some of the things that I see and hear my male co-workers and associates deal with, would be highly unacceptable to me. However, if they like it, then I love it (for them).

The stereotype is often that women are needy. Maybe 30+ years ago, but today, I notice the same thing as the OP, especially in the over 30 crowd. Younger women (teens, early & mid 20's) seem to still fit the mold of the ever accommodating, 'eager to please', doormat. I have remarked to many associates, about how a 20-something couple will roll up to a convenience store (the woman is in the driver's seat....................literally AND figuratively), and she will get out of the car to go into the store, while the guy sits in the car like a King. I have seen this repeatedly.

I work with a fair number of mid-20's women, and while I don't associate with them directly, I have overheard enough stories and heard things 'through the grapevine', that reinforce that these younger women are generally docile and eager to please.

Conversely, in the over 30 crowd, I agree wholeheartedly with the OP. I often see shrewish, nagging women berating, denigrating, and 'talking down' to men that they are with. And, if the woman perceives herself to be more intelligent and/or earning more money than the guy she is with, it increases the likelihood of this poor behavior exponentially.

I believe that younger dudes know that pv55y has never been easier to get from young women (if you're a young guy, who looks even halfway decent). A lot of young guys have an "abundance mentality"; whereas, a lot of these 35, 45, 55 year-old guys know that if they lose this shrewish woman that they have........................chances are very good that they will NEVER get another woman in this lifetime, and that's why they are willing to put up with so much nonsense. A good-looking 50 year-old man who works out, grooms, dresses well, and has his paper straight, will pull women. A 50 year-old beta male with no confidence and no balls, will have a steep, uphill, climb (unless he is very financially well-off). These older guys have a, "scarcity mentality". And, let's be honest, it is much easier to start over when you're 25 than when you're 45.

I never feel any sympathy for the "put upon" party. The way I see it, none of these people are in hostage situations, and therefore they deserve whatever they tolerate. Weak people sicken me, especially weak males. However, it is 100% that male's fault, for failing to check that woman from the door. Check her right.....................the FIRST time, and it is highly unlikely that you will have a problem in the future (with her), because either A) She will KNOW what kind of man she is dealing with or B) She will choose to leave. Either way is a "Win".

I would never intervene in any situation involving adults. She chose him. He chose her. Let them have each other. They deserve whatever they allow.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 23
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 12:54:49 PM
^^^
@Nikon

No children.Longest relationship...2 years.The sweetheart up thread is 3 years....
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 24
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 1:03:17 PM
I see a lot of poor behavior comes from poor upbringings - the examples our parents set, and the examples we set for our kids.

My mom had an alcoholic Father, so she became the Alcoholic for our family - she didn't drink, but she did suffer from depression and aggressively blamed my dad (and the rest of the world) for her problems like an alcoholic would do. My Dad was part of a farm family where his Dad had to travel a lot earning extra income on the railroad, leaving Gramma in charge, which meant he was raised by a woman head-of-household and learned how to deal with being dominated in that decision making process. A match made in heaven. Still married 45 years.

People simply don't realize how bad or different their behavior is because it wasn't 'taught' to them - they learned by observing and experience. Nobody needed to identify it as 'right' or 'wrong' because they don't see a reason WHY it should be questioned. Adrian Peterson whipping his 4 year old kid severely is an extreme example of how people learn bad behaviors. Unkind women in here were probably raised in an unkind household. People that have serious trouble sharing were probably single children or spoiled to a significant degree. Men that think it's OK to beat up women probably witnessed it themselves when they were growing up.


My opinions aren't changing because you think they should. Go out in real life and control women in general it isn't working here little boy. Again I don't see how other people's relationships affect me. If I don't like it I don't associate with it. Children - most will experience less than the leave it to beaver life and function fine.

That speaks volumes. I don't even want to know where the heck that attitude comes from. Your posting history shows several cynical bitter posts directed at men, in several threads. Do you carry the same attitude in life in action as a role model for anyone?

Kids soak up everything like a sponge. EVERYTHING. How it affects them can't always be immediately identifiable - but one thing for sure, the "Do as I say, not as I do." method of parenting doesn't work. At all. We all need/need to be parental figures to help keep that moral compass straight, and it starts with our own actions, not words.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/1/2015 1:34:09 PM
Sweet animal ^^^ very well said. Kudos!


..........................................................................
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Why do so many men end up with unkind women